XCOM (Honest Game Trailers)

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XCOM is the 84th Honest Game Trailer.

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Script[]

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In a world where killer aliens battle deadly special forces, one commander will rise to lead the humans to victory by constantly reloading a save file. Shhhh. I won't tell if you don't. XCOM.

When aliens invade, the entire planet is counting on the XCOM project, a strike force with crappy off-the-shelf technology, rookie soldiers with the aim of a hypothermic Ray Charles, and such a tiny budget, you'll have to beg for funding like the world's deadliest hobo.

Council Representative: It is unfortunate that your recent efforts have failed to...

Hey, that guy sounds pretty cool.

Before you play the sequel that just assumes you got your ass handed to you in the last game, relive the franchise you've sucked at for decades, featuring the ones with all the micromanaging, the ones you never played, the one we're all just gonna pretend doesn't exist (X-COM: Enforcer), and the one that proved AAA strategy games aren't dead (XCOM: Enemy Unknown). There's room for, like, one of them at a time.

Get creepily attached to your squad as you customize your soldiers to look like your friends and family, then weep manly tears as they're killed on the field of battle. Or customize your soldiers to look like your ex-girlfriend Jessica, then cheer as she eats a laser with her stupid face! Now who plays too many video games, Jessica? (sighs) Me. It's still me.

Do you crave pulse-pounding action and split-second decision-making? Play something else, because XCOM is all about taking your sweet-ass time. Inch your team across the map like heavily-armed toddlers learning how to crawl, then blow it all when you miss an almost-guaranteed chance to hit, or get a bad damage roll, or if you're playing the original X-COM, take a single step in any direction.

But there's more to XCOM than unfair turn-based combat. There's also base management, which lets you fulfill your lifelong dream of being a construction foreman, and an air game that, uh...technically exists. (Interceptor engages in fight with UFO) Wow. I didn't think you could make UFO-versus-jet-fighter dog fights boring, but they did.

So enjoy the sweet pain of losing at XCOM until the random numbers break in your direction long enough to turn the tide, and you unleash a tabasco-drenched dick full of revenge on the alien menace, torturing them, murdering them, and beating the game by more or less becoming them. (Uber Ethereal: You have succeeded where we have failed.) Yep, even if you win the game, you still lose. Heh heh, XCOM, that is so you.

Starring:

Ayyy LMAO (Sectoids)

The Covenant (Mutons)

Here Come the Men in Black (Thin Men)

Zerg Rush (Chryssalids)

Angry Frisbees (Cyberdiscs)

Metal Gear (Sectopods)

Vahl Halen (Dr. Vahlen)

Egg Shen (Dr. Shen)

and A Voice Like Melted Butter (Council Representative). Aw yeah, Commander.

XCOME ON, HOW DID I MISS THAT?!

So when I sell these dead alien corpses to make my rent for the month, who's buying 'em?