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Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire is the forty-third honest trailer.


"From the company (Nintendo) that brought us a Pokémon sequel that exceeded expectations, comes yet another Pokémon sequel that doesn't...quite do that: Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire.

You got addicted to the first two games; now experience your first taste of franchise fatigue in a half-hearted sequel featuring none of the original characters, key features removed, and a huge drop off on sales in the Pokémon-equivalent to Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift (scene from movie is shown).

Journey to Hoenn, yet another region where Pokémon are kept as slaves for their human masters and forced to fight for their owner's glory and financial gain. But hey, at least the music is cool this time. (Maxie walks by the trainer)

Step into the shoes and stupid hat of Brendan, yet another ten-year-old kid with criminally negligent parents tasked yet by another tree-named professor (Birch) to defeat yet another group of gym leaders and yet become another Pokémon League champion, and sell these copy-pasted games will go until Nintendo goes bankrupt or the world runs out of new twelve-year-olds.

Along the way, prepare to battle one of two terrorist organizations depending on which version of the game you begged your mom to buy: Team Aqua, a group of One Piece rejects who planned to decrease the world's land mass like Lex Luthor did in the original Superman movie,
unseen Superman character: The west coast as we know it would...
Lex Luthor: Fall into the sea.
or Team Magma, a bunch of spirit-hooded nerds who plans to increase the world's land mass like Lex Luthor did in that other Superman movie.
Lex Luthor: Not just an island, an entirely new continent.

Enjoy a few brand new features like 2V2 battles, innate abilities, and unskipable twenty-minute-long Pokémon beauty contests that'll make you question your life choices, sanity, and sexuality. Why am I doing this?

But while Nintendo giveth, Nintendo take it away for no reason as those features are countered by the removal of the day-night cycle, re-challenging trainers, and transferring Pokémon from previous Generations making the two hundred fifty-one you spent collecting completely useless in the first and only Pokémon game where you literally can't catch them all. Sorry kids! I know I joke here, that's just, that's just really f**ked up.

Starring twenty-two badass new Pokémon and one hundred thirteen others who are just kinda whatever. But since I'm paid by the word, we're going to do them all, again.

Save 15% or more by switching to Treecko

Last of the Grovylecans (Grovyle)

Esceptile Dysfunction (Sceptile)

Popcorn Chicken (Torchic)

Original Recipe (Combusken)

420 Blaziken

I heard you like memes (Mudkip)

Nipple cheeks (Marshtomp)

Butt hawk (Swampert)

Balto: Based on a True Story (Poochyena)

Team Jacob (Mightyena)

The coon (Zigzagoon)

Roadkill (Linoone)

Ribbed for her pleasure (Wurmple)

Oh yeah, that's the spot (Silcoon)

Behold, the monarch! (Beautifly)

Didn't we just do this one? (Cascoon)

Dr. Dre's Dustox

Petri dish (Lotad)

Curious Jorge (Lombre)

Samba de Amigo (Ludicolo)

Dis nut (Seedot)

Deez Nuzleaf

Treez nutz (Shiftry)

Red robbin (Taillow)

Yummmmmm (Swellow)

Mine! Mine! Mine! (Wingull)

Get in my mouth if you want to live (Pelipper)

Ian (Ralts)

Mari (Kirlia)

Anthony (Gardevoir)

Daddy long nipple (Surskit)

Madame Buttereyes (Masquerian)

Just the tip (Shroomish)

Uncircumcised (Breloom)

You must be this high to play (Slakoth)

Wampa (Vigoroth)

Draw me like one of your French girls (Slaking)

Tick tac (Nincada)

Beattleborg (Ninjask)

All bugs go to heaven (Shedinja)

Can't unsee (Whismur)

Turn down for what (Loudred)

Blowhard (Exploud)

Fat buu (Makuhita)

E-Honda (Hariyama)

Blue balls (Azurill)

Mr. Rocktatohead (Nosepass)

Hello Skitty

Fancy Feast (Delcatty)

Lucy in the eyes with diamonds (Sableye)

Barbershop of horrors (Mawile)

Jason Vorfleas (Aron)

Spinal tap (Lairon)

Super Shredder (Aggron)

Yogurt flame (Meditite)

MC Hammerpants (Medicham)

Static shock (Electrike)

Dogs can go Super Saiyan? (Manectric)

AC (Pulsle)

DC (Minun)

All About that Buzz (Volbeat)

By Megan Trainor (Illumise)

Right hand is red, left hand is blue
We couldn't think of a good name for you (Roselia)

The Globfather (Gulpin)

Fu Mangoo (Swalot)

One fish (Carvanha)

Two fish (Sharpedo)

Fat fish (Wailmer)

Dildo (Wailord)

Shmoe camel (Numel)

Skeeball cow (Camerupt)

Tokey-mon (cough) (Torkoal)

Pimple (Spoink)

Blackhead (Grumpig)

Pikcoachella (Spinda)

Teenage Mutant Naked Turtle (Trapinch)

Diamond Dragon Page (Vibrava)

Let Flygon's be Flygons

Cactaur (Cacnea)

Spooky Gumby (Cacturnate)

Q-Tip (Swablu)

Cottonball (Altaria)

Zingy Scardust (Zangoose)

Seviper no seviping

Mac Tonight (Lunatone)

I'm a Souuuuul Rock! (Solrock)

Sentient condom (Barboach)

Whiz Cashlifa (Whiscash)

Ron Howard (Corphish)

Oh no you Crawdaunt

Inception totem (Baltoy)

8 penguins stapled together (Claydol)

Dick Bouquet (Lileep)

Dick fan Dyke (Cradily)

Sacagawea-mon (Anorith)

Feather neck, plate, um, bug. Pass (shown as ??????????????) (Armaldo)

Magikorpse (Feebas)

Lady Rainicorn (Milotic)

Early Bloomer (Castform)

Invisible bicycle (Kecleon)

Pitching a tent (Shuppet)

Bring out the gimp (Banette)

Ghost fart (Duskull)

Honk honk (Dusclops)

I am a banana tree (Troplus)

Used tampon (Chimecho)

Absol-utely not


Assassin's Creed Logo (Snorunt)

Freddy Googer (Glalie)

Right in the Spheals

Dr. Sealbotnik (Sealeo)

Club it with fire (Walrien)

Shhh, she's sleeping (Clampearl)

Eel Patrick Harris (Huntail)

Ladysperm (Gorebyss)

S***fish (Relicanth)

Less than 3 (Luvdisc)

Osama bin Yoshi (Bagon)

Wilson! (Shelgon)

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (Salamance)

Rocky GLaDOS (Beldum)

Metang Clan ain't nothing to f*** with

X Marks the rock (Metagross)

Preparation H (Regirock)

Crystal Meth (Regice)

Real Steel (Registeel)

Latinas (Latias)

Latinos (Latios)

Legen...wait for it... (Kyogre)

Dary! (Groudon)

Everybody loves Rayguaza (Rayquaza)

C-Section Scar (Jirachi)


Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man, Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man, Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man, Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man (Deoxys)

Poké-formula: reddish bluish.

At least Nintendo had the decency to take "Gotta catch 'em all!" off the boxart. Am I right?"