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- "After a while...I noticed that puberty isn't cool, in fact it sucks!"
- —Ian Hecox[src]
"Oh, the Joys of Puberty" was a 2002 Smosh.com article submitted by Ian Hecox under the username "PubicSmosh." The first article on the website, it was published on November 13, 2002 in the Stories category, and was lost by September 16, 2006 when Smosh.com owner Anthony Padilla's computer hard drive failed and all Smosh.com content was lost. In the article, fifteen-year-old Ian Hecox, while under threat from killer gnomes, writes about a series of embarrassing incidents he finds himself in after finding puberty.
Synopsis[]
Starting puberty[]
- "This must mean That [sic] I am going through puberty...but, what I didn't know, is that this would become a burden."
- —Ian Hecox[src]
While walking down a street, fifteen-year-old Ian Hecox notices that he is attracting the attention of everyone around him, including a group of giggling girls pointing at him. Ignoring them, he enters a Burger King and orders a Whopper. The cashier jokes that Hecox already has one. Confused, Hecox asks what he means, but the cashier rolls his eyes and comments that he hopes he was not the cause of Hecox's "Whopper". Enraged but still oblivious to the meaning of the joke, the boy leaves the restaurant, at which point he moves his hand to scratch his crotch, only to feel a wet spot. Looking down and realizing an erection is sticking out of his pants, Hecox dives behind the Burger King and looks in his pants to confirm what he saw. Upon seeing it, he whoops and hollers in celebration, his erection signifying the start of puberty.[1]
Two weeks later, Hecox is having a dream in which he is about to "make sweet love" to a girl in a blouse when he is awakened by his alarm. In his bedroom in his family's apartment, he realizes that, for the fifth time that week, he has soiled his bed after wet dreaming. The boy grabs his bedsheets and, after confirming no one else in the apartment is awake, leaves for the local laundromat. Despite the cold temperatures in and outside the apartment hallway — as Hecox is dressed only in his boxers — he runs to the laundromat to get his sheets cleaned before anyone else in the apartment wakes up.[1]
Only a block away, Hecox arrives at the laundromat and tosses his sheets inside a washing machine, but when he goes to insert a quarter, he realizes that he forgot to bring change for the machine. Furthermore, his erection has not subsided, but Hecox takes the risk and returns to his apartment while attracting the attention of passersby. While running upstairs, he collides with a security guard of the apartment building. The teenager hides his bulge with his hands and tries to play dumb, causing the guard to panic and confuse Hecox for a terrorist, in turn pulling out his pistol and trying to arrest him. The boy is forced to reveal his erection, making the guard burst into laughter. Sidestepping the laughing guard, Hecox retrieves his change and returns to the laundromat, only to find a dirty homeless man fleeing the scene with the bedsheets in hand while excitedly yelling about the "frosting" on them. A dejected Hecox returns home and finds his mother waiting for him, to whom he lies that ninjas had once again stolen his sheets.[1]
Further incidents[]
- "I have to take my sheets to get washed every damn morning, and so far, 'ninjas' (as I tell my mom) has [sic] stolen my sheets 5 different times!!!"
- —Ian Hecox[src]
Two weeks after the laundromat incident, Hecox writes that he found a Playboy magazine but was disappointed that it only contained an advertisement for Playgirl, denying him the opportunity to view pornography. Additionally, his erectile problems have worsened. So far, he has had to take his bedsheets to get washed every morning and lie to his mother that ninjas stole them five times so far. Additionally, he constantly gets erections at school — where wonders if his math teacher Mr. Slater likes looking at his bulge — and walks with his hands in his pockets to conceal the bulge. He has also soiled himself multiple times and continues to be laughed at by everyone at school, as well as at home by his younger sister and possibly his dog. Hecox concludes that puberty is not fun and admits that he tried to commit suicide through seppuku, but through a fake tutorial involving swallowing a Frisbee on the satirical website The Official Ninja Webpage: Real Ultimate Power.[1]
Hecox ends the article with a list of eight "reasons" to love puberty. The first two are sarcastic bits of advice based on the story, specifically that puberty offers the "privilege" of cleaning one's sheets every morning to avoid embarrassment and the necessity of bending over and resembling a scoliosis victim in order to avoid others seeing one's erection. The third claims a natural limit to daily masturbation, asserting that masturbating more than three times in one day is unnatural, and the fourth and fifth advise readers to stay away from pornographic websites labeled "mature" and to not bother with conditioner, respectively. In the seventh, Hecox explains that he wrote the article to offer advice to other "losers" like him that get wet dreams. However, in the sixth, the boy reveals that he was forced by a group of killer gnomes to write the story and requests help, but by the time he is writing the eighth, the gnomes return and start stabbing him, cutting off Hecox's pleas for help.[1]
History[]
"Oh, the Joys of Puberty" was an article submitted by Smosh.com user[1] and Staff member Ian Hecox[2] under the username "PubicSmosh" and published on November 13, 2002 at 2:19:28 a.m. in the Stories category in the website's "Articles" section.[1] It was the first in the category, as well as the first article on Smosh.com, published[4] three days after the website's launch on November 10.[5] The next Stories article — and the next Smosh.com article overall — was "The Clueless Happy Boy," which was submitted by[6] Staff member Andy A.[2] under the username "DementedSmosh" and published on November 14, 2002.[6] By September 16, 2006, Smosh.com Webmaster Anthony Padilla's computer hard drive failed, bringing the website and all of its content down, including "Oh, the Joys of Puberty." Additionally, his backup drives had been wiped clean with no way of recovering the data, meaning the article could not be officially restored.[3]
Reception[]
By May 11, 2003, "Oh, the Joys of Puberty" had 2907 page views.[1]
Continuity[]
"Oh, the Joys of Puberty" established the practice of Smosh.com Staff basing their submitted articles on events they experienced in real life,[1] which was continued in subsequent articles such as "The Clueless Happy Boy" by Andy A.[7] and "Inverted Gravity" by Stephen,[8] which were both published on November 14, 2002.[7][8] The article also marks the first appearance of a fictional version of Ian Hecox, as well as that of his mother and his dog.[1]
Appearances[]
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Sources[]
Oh, the Joys of Puberty on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)- Stories on Smosh.com (link) (content removed; backup link)
References[]
- ↑ 1.00 1.01 1.02 1.03 1.04 1.05 1.06 1.07 1.08 1.09 1.10 1.11 1.12 1.13
Oh, the Joys of Puberty on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Staff on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)
- ↑ 3.0 3.1
A Brand New Smosh Site! on the Smosh Forums (content obsolete, backup link)
- ↑ Cite error: Invalid
<ref>tag; no text was provided for refs namedTCHB - ↑ Smosh.com on the Smosh Forums — WienerSmosh: "We finally got smosh.com! With this new domain name, we also got a new server. Due to the new server, you will be seeing a lot of updates, so keep refreshing, bookmark us, and check back frequently! / Oh yeah, we got some staff pictures so check those out HERE." (Posted November 10, 2002, 11:43 AM) (content removed, backup link)
- ↑ 6.0 6.1 Stories on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)
- ↑ 7.0 7.1 The Clueless Happy Boy on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)
- ↑ 8.0 8.1 Inverted Gravity on Smosh.com (content removed; backup link)
