No! No! Don't go in that door! There's a monster in there! SHUT UP!" —Shut Up! Opening
If Movies Were Real is a Smosh video uploaded on September 4, 2009 and is the first installment of the If...Were Real series. Ever wondered what movies would be like if they were actually realistic?
Ian and Anthony are watching the Transformers 2007 movie. Ian suddenly complains that "no girl that hot would know that much about cars." Anthony tells him to get over it because it's just a movie, but Ian says that "the only way a girl would know that much about cars is if she was ugly, had bad BO, or was a lesbian." Anthony tells him to imagine how stupid movies would be if they were actually realistic.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Pineapples are raining on a bleeding Anthony and Ian. Both are trying to avoid the onslaught when Anthony yells "WHY'D IT HAVE TO RAIN PINEAPPLES?!".
Bella (Ian) claims that she knows what Edward (Anthony) is. Because his skin is pale white, and he doesn't go out in the sun, Bella assumes Edward is a vampire. However, Edward says that he just plays a lot of World of Warcraft.
Forrest (Ian) is trying to tell a random kid (Anthony) about how you could "tell a lot about a person just by looking at their shoes." The kid runs away, though Forrest doesn't seem to notice. The kid comes back and steals the box of chocolates on Forrest's lap. Forrest shouts "Hey, those are my chocolates!".
Hotel For Dogs
Mark (Anthony) holds up two plastic bags filled with dog poop, exclaiming, "There's dogsh*t everywhere!".
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Voldemort is driving away in a pickup truck while taunting Harry (Ian). Harry tries to fly after him on a broomstick, but falls and lands on his "English teabags."
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York
Harry and Marv (Anthony and Ian, respectively) are talking to Kevin (Ian), who is standing on top of a playground apparatus (which was a tall building in the film). Harry tells Kevin that if he throws his camera (containing footage of their criminal acts) down to them, they won't harm him. Kevin agrees and chucks a brick at them instead. The brick hits Marv in the face, killing him.
Big Boy (Ian) is communicating with Speckles (
Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig) with walkie-talkies. Speckles does not say anything during the conversation. Big Boy screams "ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"
A picture of Dr. Manhattan (Anthony) is shown with his crotch area censored.
Carl Fredricksen (Anthony) is sticking his head out of the window of his house when he exclaims, "So long, boys!". He releases several balloons out of his window, which unsurprisingly fails to lift the house.
Aladdin (Anthony) tells his magic carpet to fly, but a frustrated Harry Potter (Ian) walks by and tells Aladdin not to bother. Harry continues to throw his broomstick at the ground in anger.
The Sixth Sense
Dr. Malcolm Crowe (Ian) asks Cole (Anthony) what's wrong with him. Cole replies with the famous line, "I see dead people." Seconds later, Cole is in a straitjacket, trying to break free and prove that he's not insane.
Ian admits that movies would suck if they were real. Anthony said so. Ian gets up from the couch and decides to leave for work, though Anthony tells him that "selling Miley Cyrus's used tissues on eBay is not work." Ian angrily says it is, then slams the front door. Ian is driving, when suddenly his car breaks down. He is looking at the engine, when suddenly a girl with a striking resemblance to Megan Fox takes a look at his car and diagnoses the problem. Ian is excited about what is happening, and begins to ask the girl out, but then he sees that the girl has a penis (particularly a boner), making Ian shocked, that she is most likely a transvestite.
When Ian sees the girl's penis, he screams in shock. She asks "what?" in a deep voice.
If Movies Were Real/Script
If Movies Were Real/Gallery
Home Alone would be referenced again with an older Kevin (played by Anthony) in STUPID MOVIE SEQUELS.
In the Home Alone 2 segment, the scene occurs at day. But in the actual movie, however, it occurs at night.
In the other If......Were Real videos, Ian would be on the left side of the couch near the lamp/mirror and Anthony would be on the right side near the opening to the bedrooms and the kitchen.
This video was nominated for a Webby Award for "Viral" in 2009 but lost.
This is the first appearance of Charlie.
The actual line the girl was meant to say was "A USDM EJ205 with a TD-04 turbo", but she was never able to get it. They instead ran with "A USDM TJ-05 with a TDF turbo".
The EJ205 is supposed to be a Subaru engine, but Anthony's Scion tC was used and not Ian's Subaru.
In the Up segment, Carl perched 5 balloons. In reality, you would need 105,854 balloons to lift a house.
When the girl's boner was shown, it was in fact Ian playing as a double.
Many people assume the ending confirms she is a transvestite. There is no official proof of it.
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