In Ian's bedroom, Ian dreams about something to do with him not wanting to ride a pony. All of the sudden, his personal alarm for the alarm clock wakes him up. It talks about him starting a new day and his hair being dumb and looking like bread. Ian thinks his hair is awesome and looks more like a fluffy dinner roll than bread, although a picture of bread on his head shows that it does. All of sudden, Seymour Tayntz (which according Ian's phone, he calls him a douchebag) starts to call Ian which he picks up. Seymour tells Ian that they're late which Ian wanted to know. Seymour said they were doing a clip show for their If...Were Real videos to a group of very important old people. Ian wants to know why, but Seymour doesn't care and even tells him to bring Anthony with him within a hour or he'll come and break their "ball sacks". Ian hangs up and starts to stretch until he finds Anthony under the blanket. Anthony doesn't want to be killed which Ian wants to know what he was doing under there. Anthony said that there was a monster in his closet which he replaced his body with a dummy made of raw meat and set a ton of booby traps to catch it. Ian felt excited, so he tries to check the traps out until he falls off his bed. Anthony asked if Ian knows that booby traps isn't made of boobs. Ian says that he does and informs Anthony they need to go the opera house or else Seymour will break their ball sacks. All of the sudden, Anthony heard the "monster" trapped and decides to tape it like they did in Cloverfield and starts going to his room. The name of the movie echoes because if references to one of the movies they did in If Movies Were Real 2.
In the hallway, the "monster" gets out of Anthony's room. When Anthony saw it, he threw his camera at it. But when Anthony uncovers the "monster" he saw that it was Ian's mom. Anthony thought it wouldn't make sense for her to hide in the closet, but then remembers something.
In a flashback, Ian's mom asked Anthony if she could eat the trail mix found in his closet which Anthony allowed. Ian's mom thanked him and ate the trail mix in the closet and even closed it.
Back in the present, Anthony hides Ian's mom in his room with the door shut. Ian exits out of the hallway asking Anthony about the "monster". Anthony said that it was a false alarm, but then realizes his hands are full of blood. Anthony told Ian he needs to wash his hands before they leave. Ian thought that was fine if Anthony will let him pee first. They both race to the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Anthony cuts in front of Ian and rushes to the shower. Ian decided if Anthony was going to play rough, he would pee while Anthony showers. Anthony tells Ian to use the bathroom, but Ian told him the same thing not wanting to leave. After Anthony comment back, Ian decides to keep on flushing to see how Anthony feels when he showers without any water temperature control. Anthony didn't like the fact that the shower was so hot. He even wishes he could remove the toilet like in The Sims. Then the story pauses and goes to If Video Games Were Real.
In the kitchen, Ian says that they're totally gonna be late for the clip show. Anthony gets some tap water telling Ian that they should eat first so they won't show up being weak and useless while trying to introduce their clips. Ian agrees and decides to check the refrigerator for some food, but it seems no food was in there. Anthony decides to whip up his "extreme cooking skills" which made Ian asked when he got them. Anthony said he got them last night after watching an extreme cooking show and thinks of himself as a genius when it comes to cooking. Ian said that he saw a lollipop commercial which then made him thinks he is also a genius when it comes to cooking food. Anthony thinks there's a cooking competition going on which Ian agrees only for Anthony to lose. After they got the ingredients, Ian decides to make Anthony a bowl of cereal by having a bowl of Sour Patch snacks and bread that is covered in ketchup with orange juice poured in; Anthony decides to make Ian a bowl of sticky rice by having a bowl of hot dog wieners covered in chocolate with an unpeeled onions sacked on it with some chocolate on it and rice sprinkled on the onion. When they judged each other's food, they thought the other one was good at first. But a few seconds later, they spat it out. Ian thought Anthony's food tasted like a wet hamburger. The words "a wet hamburger" echoed since it's a reference to If Cartoons Were Real.
Later on, Ian and Anthony realized they can't leave the kitchen when there's a mess. Ian thinks of not cleaning it making Anthony use the chore wheel. Ian hates it since he gets the crappy chores while Anthony gets the awesome ones. Anthony told Ian that the wheel doesn't play favorites, but winks acting like the wheel does. Anthony tells Ian to close his eyes and spin the wheel. Even though he got "Take out the trash", Anthony told him to do the laundry, do the dishes, and comb Anthony's hair while giving a back massage. Ian doesn't believe and wants to see the wheel for himself, but Anthony told him not to saying it's bad luck. Ian asks what Anthony got. Although Anthony got "Clean the whole house and then rub Ian's feet", he told Ian that he got the chore of sitting around playing video games all day. Ian thought Anthony was lucky and has him move out of the way so he can wash the dishes. While washing the dishes with his eyes cover, Ian asked if he can open eyes so he can see, but he broke a piece of a dish while washing the dishes. He cuts his pinky finger and sees it making him scared of the blood coming out of the cut while running away. Anthony turned off the sink and said that it wasn't really scary while also calling him a pussy. The word "scary" echoed referencing If Scary Movies Were Real.
While Ian and Anthony were about to leave, Seymour calls Anthony. Seymour asks where Ian and Anthony where they are and tells them that the elders are getting restless, running out of prunes, and are breaking there fragile bones like crazy. Anthony says that they were and just got a little held up. Seymour tells them that they should hurry up so that he wouldn't hunt them down and break their "ball sacks". After he hanged up, Ian and Anthony decided to leave. However, Anthony found Fitness Dan outside causing the duo to hide from him by the door. Dan checks the window telling Ian and Anthony that it's Fitness Day and is in Sacramento for a day to workout. He calls Ian and Anthony to get their lives pumped. Ian wanted to tell him that they don't want to get fit anymore, but Anthony told him not thinking he'll kill them since he almost broke Ian's wrist after he refused to wear Dan's spandex he offered. When Dan decided to come in, Ian and Anthony moved to a different hiding spot having him wonder where they are. It is revealed they hid under the eating table. But when Dan tried to find them under the table, they moved to a different hiding spot. Dan then wondered if they have any snacks.
In the kitchen, Dan opens the refrigerator revealing where Ian and Anthony was hiding. However, he wanted orange juice from their. He poured it into a cup with the cereal Ian made for Anthony and drank it; he thought it was good and left the house with the cup. Ian opened the fridge so Anthony and him can leave, but they're stuck together. Ian thought Anthony should leave first, but Anthony is stuck and tries to call for help. Ian wishes the audience tells them what to do like in Dora the Explorer. Dora the Explorer echoed since it's a reference to If Kids Shows Were Real. Anthony even wished Ian's breath didn't smell like rotting garbage having Ian smell himself.
Later on, Ian asks for some more help, but Anthony tells him to just accept the fact that they're gonna die in the refrigerator. All of the sudden, Cree Pywood Guy (crē pīwo͝od gē) came in asking if Ian and Anthony needs any help from him. Anthony told him about needing help to get out of which he agrees to do, but then sees how stuck they are. Ian just tells him to get them out which he agreed for a couple of special request. Anthony agrees just as long as he helps them get out.
Later on, Ian and Anthony were dressed in Christmas clothing with Anthony asking why they're doing a Christmas card in June. Cree said it's so his family think he has friends and starts the film. Ian tells his family on camera that Creepy Wood Guy is Anthony's and his new best friend. Cree stops the film and tells them how his name is pronounced saying it's French-Canadian. After Cree starts filming again, Ian started to say his name correctly with them saying he's their best friend in the world and that they're spending Christmas with only him as Cree puts lip gloss on Anthony. This made Anthony hate the holidays and then got a picture with Cree. The word "holidays" echoed referencing If Holidays Were Real.
Later on, Ian and Anthony take off the Christmas sweaters having Anthony ask to never talk about the thing they did again. All of the sudden, Seymour calls Ian on his phone which Ian didn't like. Seymour tells them that they're pissing him off and that they should go to the opera house right now or by the souls of his dead wives (he swore he didn't them) that he'll come to their house and break some "ball sacks". After Ian hanged up, a rasta talks to Ian telling him he needs an herb. Anthony asked if Ian knew the guy which he said that he didn't. The rasta tells Ian that he does know him and has gotten the money this time. Ian asked if he needed that herb which he said yes. Ian gave the rasta the herb candle which he licks the herb. Anthony asked what was that about having Ian say that he has a side job of making Rosemary herb scented candles and that the rasta seems to like them. Anthony couldn't believe Ian had a secret job that he couldn't tell Anthony about and that while also stating that Anthony tells Ian everything about him. All of the sudden, a guy named Vito calls Anthony saying that he got him another job having him get ready. Anthony videotapes himself wearing no clothes except for a cape and underwear while carrying a broom. The video was for Gloria Maclehorn's ninety-second birthday which shows him cleaning the kitchen with the broom. He also asks Gloria if she likes it when he likes it when he mops the floor so hard which he's doing it for her dirty grannies. Ian asked what Anthony was doing having him feel embarrass saying it was nothing. Ian said that Anthony the lamest superhero in the world. The story pauses and then goes to If Superheroes Were Real.
While Ian and Anthony were leaving house, Ian couldn't believe that Anthony strip mops for old ladies while with a sore leg. Anthony says that he keeps it classy while not doing full funnel, but promises that if Ian doesn't tell anyone about it that he wouldn't tell anyone about the scented candles. Ian told Anthony he already uploaded the video and that Anthony has to drive his car. Anthony wanted to know why which Ian told him he dropped candle wax on his foot and the rasta tried to eat it.
In the flashback, Ian was yelling for help when the rasta was trying to eat his foot.
Back in the present, Anthony says that he doesn't know how to drive a stick. Ian said, "That's what your mom said," making it like a joke, but told him that she totally said that last night and that he doesn't have a choice while giving Anthony the keys. In the car, Ian told Anthony to relax, let out the clutch slowly and roll out; but when Anthony just backed-up, he accidentally ran over Fitness Dan. Anthony wondered if he was okay, but Ian told him to worry more about the car. This made Anthony wonder if he can get a hot female mechanic to fix the car. The story pauses and then goes to If Movies Were Real.
In the living room, Ian and Anthony sit on the couch. Ian reveals that the car's broken and they won't make it to the clip show. Anthony doesn't care thinking that the old people wouldn't watch their show anyway which Ian agreed on. Ian questions about the show they're watching which Anthony it was Keeping Up with the Kardashians while giving it a thumbs down and blowing a raspberry. Ian agrees with Anthony. Anthony decides to leave the living room which Ian does too. A little while later, Ian comes back to the couch and watches the show that he said he hated. Anthony questions about what Ian was doing which he says that he's getting used to the show. Anthony reveals that he likes the show too. Ian gets excited and questions about Anthony liking the show. Anthony agrees and starts to turn up the volume. The story pauses and then goes to If TV Shows Were Real.
Script (excluding clips)
If...Were Real episodes
(these are the episodes in the If... Were Real series in order from the movie)
- If Movies Were Real 2
- If Video Games Were Real
- If Cartoons Were Real
- If Scary Movies Were Real
- If Kids Shows Were Real
- If Holidays Were Real
- If Superheroes Were Real
- If Movies Were Real
- If TV Shows Were Real
- If Video Games Were Real 2
- If Movies Were Real 3