I HAVE A SECRET SON is a Smosh main channel video.
Antoinette assumed that her ex-boyfriend Ian is the biological father of this overgrown-bearded child.
In the kitchen, Anthony microwaves his underwear and mentions while putting it on that warm undy balls are the best no matter what others think. All of the sudden, Anthony sees Antoinette bringing some random guy named Kwan over to see Ian.
In Ian's room, Ian simulates sex with a cutout of Fabio and sees Antoinette with Kwan in his room. They greet each other in an unfriendly way and Antoinette asks who Ian was with. Ian said that "she's" a better replacement, a better kisser than Antoinette, and has a straight up bonerific cleavage. Ian also asked about who Antoinette was with thinking he's her hot-new-muscular-bigger-stronger-manlier-sweatier-gurthier-new boyfriend. Antoinette replied that Kwan's his "son", making the three surprised.
In the living room, Ian asked Antoinette how old Kwan is which she replied that he's thirteen. Ian thinks Kwan looks like he's thirty, to which Kwan says he got a thyroid condition, which leads Ian to apologize. Ian asked Antoinette what she wants him for which she said that she wants Ian to get off his dead beat ass and start paying to child support. Anthony interrupted saying that a thirteen-year-old can't have a beard and that the child is black. This surprises the other and they believe Anthony is racist. Ian punches Anthony for the comment. Kwan says "you get'em daddy!" Ian said that he would do whatever Antoinette said and won't be a dead-beat dad anymore.
Later on, Jeff Bridges (Ian) sings a song about Ian being the best dad there ever was even though he believes in Santa. Jeff even sang about Ian feeding people apple sauce and reading books in bed. Jeff also mentioned about Ian being dropped on his head by his mama when he was a child.
In the living room, Ian drinks out of a coffee cup that says, "#1 Dad" thinking that being a father is hard work, but rewarding. Anthony doesn't think Ian is serious knowing Kwan isn't his son. Ian says that Antoinette has held hands with him many times. Anthony thinks that Ian has no idea how babies are made. Ian thinks he does by saying that babies are made by when a man meets a woman; when they like each other, they hold their right hands; the sweat from their hands enters each others' pores making the woman get fat and have a baby pop out of the belly button three weeks later. Anthony thought that Ian was a virgin and Antoinette was lying to him. Ian got off the couch and said that since Kwan, Antoinette, and him are a family now and can't be reared apart. Antoinette wanted to get out of the house and held Ian's left hand. Ian then remembers that she had always held his left hand when they were making comments about each other, playing a Xbox game, and chopping vegetables. Ian then notices that since she never held his right hand, he couldn't make Antoinette pregnant.
Kwan came clean and admitted that it was all his idea. Kwan eventually apologized to both Anthony and Antoinette for lying to them. Ian wondered why he wasn't apologized since he changed Kwan's diapers. Kwan said that he was to get close to Ian and Antoinette and said to Anthony and Antoinette that he's their father making his children and Ian surprised. Anthony thought that wasn't possible, but Kwan said that it was and even held his and Antoinette's mother's right hand in the eighties. Much to Anthony's doubt, he thinks that no one can get pregnant by holding someone's hand and even demonstrates by holding Stevie's right hand with his right hand.
Three weeks later in the hospital, Anthony is pregnant in the hospital about to get the baby out. Stevie approaches Anthony thinking their baby will be so cute, and Anthony tells him to "F**K OFF". Jeff then sings about Anthony being the best dad in the world. When Stevie mentions about holding hands to make a baby girl, Jeff also tells Stevie to "f**k off".
On the driveway outside, Anthony sees Kwan locked in the car with the windows rolled up thinking it was dangerous. However, Anthony got a second thought thinking Kwan is using the car as a sauna to stay in shape thinking he's a genius. Kwan sees Anthony drinking from a water bottle and tries to ask for the bottle by pointing at it, but Anthony thought Kwan liked his pants. Kwan tries again by acting like he's drinking from the bottle, but Anthony thought Kwan is a sick pervert and backs away from him in the house.
In the house by the dining table, Ian wonders how a solid gold beaver is going to help their "son" which Antoinette states that Ian knows nothing about raising a child. Anthony approaches to the two thinking Kwan tried to hit on him making Ian wonder where Kwan is. Antoinette told Ian that she left him in the car making Ian run outside to get Kwan. Antoinette wanted Ian to come back to massage her feet.
Back on the driveway, Ian tries opens the car door to get Kwan before he suffocates. He then apologizes and promises to be the best father ever.
When Ian held Antoinette's hand right before they were about to leave, Ian states that she "never held his right hand" when he thought that she did when really she didn't. Instead, he was holding her right hand with his left hand which this could've been an error in the making of the video.
Ian stated that two people have to really like each other in order to have a baby but by seeing Anthony getting pregnant from Stevie, it could be a joke or secretly, he could have liked Stevie in a way.
In the scene where Ian and Antoinette are playing Xbox, Antoinette mentions that one pony is hers and Ian says she's letting Twilight Sparkle escape, which is a reference to My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Twilight Sparkle is one of the characters on the show.
This possibly is another reference to "Bronies" (the male fanbase of My Little Pony) in Smosh, earlier references are Ian's "G1 Pony" shirt in My Pet Pikachu and his ringtone being the theme song in My Friend's Hot Sister. Both references could mean that Ian is a brony.
In My Friend's Hot Sister, Antoinette says she doesn't like video games. But in one of the hand holding flashbacks, Ian and Antoinette are holding hands together playing a video game. She could've recently liked video games or she only played video games to make Ian happy.
Before Ian sits on the couch and starts talking, also before he stands up and grabs Stevie, Anthony is reading a copy of the new Smosh Magazine.
The Fabio Standee from earlier videos such as Arm Wrestling TO THE DEATH returns this episode and it does not say "I want to sex you up."
This is the second time Ian punched someone, thinking that they are racist. The first instance was The Rarest Pokemon Card!.
In Anthony is Mexican, it was revealed that Anthony has an African-American heritage. This video proves it.
When Anthony holds Stevie's hand, he appears in the hospital about to have the baby three weeks later. It takes about nine months for a baby to be fully born. If Anthony's daughter was born in only three weeks, she would die from being born that prematurely.
The book Ian was reading to Kwan was Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer.
Shut Up! Opening
"You are not the father. (crowd cheers) SHUT UP!"
"Jeff: Thanks for subscribing an-and...
Anthony: No no no no no, we're not-we're not gonna sing a dubway story.
Jeff: No? But I-I like singing dub...
Anthony: No! We're not-we're not gonna---- Damn it, Jeff Bridges!
Anthony: We're not gonna sing his voice anymore!
Jeff: I like singing...
Anthony: NO JEFF-JEFF BRIDGES!
Anthony: I know you have your R.I.P.D., you just want to do, be an anything now. But no!