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(Anthony is in the middle of a park eating a taquito at a table)

Food Battle 1 Script.png


                                                                               What are you doing?


Eating a taquito.

It's the best food in the world. 


Taquito? More like CRAPito. 


What's your favorite food?

(A tray full of donuts suddenly appears in Ian's hands) 

Ian: Duh, it's right here in my hand. Pink frosted sprinkled donut. 

Anthony: Well I bet my taquito can do more everyday tasks than your pink frosted pieces of crap!

Ian: You're on!


At the table

Anthony: How about this plunger?

At the toilet

(Anthony plunges the taquitto in the toilet but it falls down and fails)

Anthony: Dang it. X

Ian: Don't let me down, donut.

(Ian does the same thing, but doesn't work ) X

Ian: Mine didn't work either. (Eats the poop donut) But, it still tastes pretty good again.


At the table

Ian: What about, uh, socks?

Outside in the front yard

Anthony: Stupid Ian. Time for a taquito sock.

(Anthony tries to put the taquito in his feet but the taquito does not fit) X

Ian: Anthony doesn't know it, but donuts are made to be socks. He is going dowwwn.

(Ian puts his donuts in his finger) ✅

Ian: Time for a stroll down the city. 

(Ian walks with his donuts. While walking, a donut falls down)


At the table

Anthony: Telescope. Let's do a telescope.

Ian: OK!

Outside in the yard

Ian: OK, time to teach Anthony a lesson. (the doughnut covers Ian's eyes) I don't see anything. I don't know what's going on. X

Anthony: Can't see anything. Or I just do. (sees Ian humping a fire hydrant) Ian. Ian, what are you doing? ✅


At the table

Ian: How about an airbag?

Anthony: Ok.

In the car

Ian: Don't let me down donut, please. (banged his head to the donut) It works. ✅

Anthony: I know you're so much better than a donut. You'll save my life. (banged his head to the taquito, but got injured and screams in pain) OWWWWW! X


At the table

Anthony: Cigarette. 

Ian: I'm gonna smoke you on this compitition. 

(they both laugh)

Anthony: Like a stick, yeah----It doesn't make sense.

(they stopped laughing)

Ian: I think it's funny.

Anthony: It's not funny.

Outside near the gate

Anthony: Alright let's-let's smoke this bad boy. (smokes using a taquito) ✅

Ian: I'm totally going to fire up Anthony on this food smoking. He's goin' downtown. Oh yeah. (lights the match and puts it on the donut but fails at smoking but still let the fire out) That was a close one. (Relit the match and puts it on the donut but fails again) Oh no no no, too close! (drops the donut and fails) X


At the kitchen

Ian: Let's see your crappy piece of crap be a ballpoint pen. 

Anthony: What do you think ink's made out of? BEEF.

At the table outside

Anthony: Alright lets put this beef to use. (used the taquitto as a pen) I wrote the Bill of Rights! (showed his paper) ✅

Ian: Let's see Anthony beat this. (used his donut as a pen) Yeah. Okay, haha, yes. No, no no no. (stomps on the doughnut to release the fire) X


At the table inside

Ian: Lipstick. 

In the bathroom

Anthony: (used his taquito as lipstick) It worked! ✅

Ian: (used his doughnut as lipstick, but spits it out) Oh, my God! I look so beautiful! ✅


At the table

Anthony: Prepare to be defeated when my taquito is....a girlfriend or boyfriend!

Ian: Ha, ha, because you've never had one. Hahaha!

Anthony: Yes I have.

Ian: No.

Anthony: Yeah.

Ian: No, that time in 7th grade did not count!

Anthony: No, yes I have! We went on a...

Ian: No, I, I...

Anthony: We, we kissed by the bus.

Ian: No, you didn't.

Anthony: I walked home and she broke up with me online but I went out for three hours.

Ian: Fine so, my donut is still gonna kick your ass!

Anthony: No...

Near a door

Ian: I just want to tell you donut. I love you. (eats the donut) I'm ready, are you? ✅ My donut had a hole, and...

Anthony: No.

Ian: know taquitos, you know, not exactly a hole. I thought you loved your taquittos.

Anthony: I love my taquittos it's just...

Ian: Anthony decided to forfeit this round, cause he's a pansy.

Anthony: I'm not a pansy, you're the one! You're the one who's a pansy.


Toy Airplane (Deleted)

(In extras of Food Battle 2010)

At the table

Anthony: How about (flipped a page) a toy airplane?

Ian: Oh, my god!

Anthony: Yeah!

Ian: Okay.

Anthony: Yeah, okay. Let's go. (Runs off)

Ian: All right. (Runs the other direction)

(Anthony stopped for Ian and they both run at different directions)


Anthony: Be free. Fly like an EAGLE. (Throws the taquitto)

(The taquitto flew and Anthony succeed) ✅

Ian: Your going down, watch my donut fly. (Throws the donut)

(The donut flew to Anthony's back hurting him and Ian succeed)

Anthony: Ow! ✅

Pool Floaties

At the table

Ian: How about, pool floaties?

Anthony: Pool floaties?!

Ian: Yeah, pool floaties.

Anthony: What'd you think beef's made of; cows and they float all the time.

Ian: I-I've never seen a cow float before.

Anthony: They always go swimming in the lakes.

Ian: Maybe in your butt they do.

Near the pool

Anthony: I'm gonna prove to Ian that beef really does float. (used his taquitos in the deep end as a pool floaty, but fails) I can't... Beef doesn't float, really...X

Ian: Anthony can eat my shorts. (used his doughnuts in the shallow end as pool floaties and succeeds) Heh heh, these things float so good. Look how good I'm floating. Y-Yeah. Ah man. Anthony's totally gonna lose. Hear that Anthony? You're gonna lose. ✅


Ian: Hey Anthony, are you drowning? Because if you do, it's an automatic forfeit. Anthony?

(Anthony drowned)

Near the entrance of the store

announcer: (chases down Ian) Ian Ian (stops Ian), you've just won Food Battle 2006, what will you do now?

Ian: I'm gonna to Disneyland!

announcer: Oh boy Disneyland! Can I come?

Ian: NO!