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Watch Magic Wipes get rid of the stain like magic!
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Yeah, let's find that son of a bitch!
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Ian: "Mmm, oh yeah, that's good, that's a very good..."
"FOOD BATTLE 2013" is a Smosh video released on November 1, 2013 and is the eighth installment in the famous Food Battle series. It was officially announced on September 3, 2013. The voting process began on September 3 and ended on September 24, 2013.
The video opens with an announcer explaining that Food Battle is canceled due to YouTube's new "food related violence" law, and this year's Food Battle will look something like this (shows a dog playing with itself in a mirror). Angrily, Ian (as another announcer) shoots the first guy and says that Food Battle 2013 is on.
Plot[]
Introduction[]
After a stare down, Anthony and Ian both declare a rematch, since last year was confusing when Anthony switched his brain with Ian's. Anthony then pulls his new food out of his pants: the giant gummy snake (From Vat 19). Ian accepts the challenge though at the point where he is supposed to devour two of his donuts and start the battle proper, Ian doesn't have his donuts. A person behind the camera hands them to Ian and Food Battle 2013 begins.
Challenges[]
Coffee Mug[]
Anthony chooses the coffee mug.
Anthony - Anthony sings a butchered version of the Folgers coffee jingle before pouring coffee onto the snake, burning his hand as Anthony screams in pain. Result: X
Ian - Ian pours coffee on his hand and at first is fine, only for his hand to catch on fire and incinerate as Ian screams in pain. Result: X
Hypnotist[]
Ian's hand is burnt and he asks it what it wants to do. The hand picks "hippo tits" to which Anthony corrects as hypnotist. The hand then responds "That's what I said jackass".
Ian - Ian starts hypnotizing himself with the donut and says that he will do anything anyone tells him. Anthony appears behind him with a bat and tells the hypnotized Ian that he will grab the nearest object and smash it on his head whenever Ian hears the word "Balls". Ian is confused, but Anthony says "balls", prompting Ian to grab the bat and smash it on his head Result: ✓
Anthony - Anthony hypnotizes himself to imagine himself face first in a pair of huge jugs. Anthony, in a hypnotized state, starts to move towards the girl's large breasts, but falls and misses the girl, but lands on a pair of one gallon jugs of milk. Result: ✓
Shin Guards[]
Anthony is unconscious but wakes up immediately and picks shin guards if Ian has the balls. Hearing "balls", Ian grabs a nearby bottle and smashes it on his head. He then agrees.
Anthony - Anthony wraps the gummy snake around one of his legs and drops a brick on it, hurting his leg and screaming, "Sweet monkey pee-pee sauce!". Result: X
Ian - Ian sarcastically says that a "heavy" beach ball is going to break his leg and drops it, only for the beach ball to actually break his leg as Ian screams, "Ahh why?!". Result: X
Hot Girl[]
Ian uses his injured leg to choose a hot girl. Anthony makes a joke saying he will do a hot girl but Ian hits him with his broken leg, prompting Anthony to yell, "Ow! My areola!".
Ian - Ian throws the donut up in the air and then catches it. The donut is now wearing a small maid's bra and panties, but Ian gets grossed out when he sees "man bulge" on the panties. Result: X
Anthony - Anthony throws the gummy snake up in the air which turns into a girl. But when she lands in front of Anthony, she's dead and Anthony runs away just to make sure no one thinks he killed the girl. Result: ✓
Blanket to Hide a Dead Body[]
Ian is about to suggest something but Anthony quickly takes the book and suggest a blanket to hide a dead body. Ian asks why and Anthony says "no reason" nervously.
Ian - Ian whistles as a guy reading a book walks by. Ian shoots that guy and throws the donut on him. Ian gives a thumbs up. Result: ✓
Thumbnail of the video
Anthony - Anthony puts his gummy snake on the same dead girl that fell in front of him from after Anthony tossed his other gummy snake in the previous match but Anous suddenly appears and saw what Anthony did. He shoots him just because he thought Anthony wasted a perfectly good gummy snake. Anous goes to the gummy snake and eats it, completely ignoring the dead girl. Result: ✓
Alternate Scene #1[]
After Anthony chooses to do a blanket to hide a dead body, Ian accepts as he comes up from the table and the camera comes closer to him while having the creepy look.
Alternate Scene #2[]
After Anthony took the book, Anthony talked differently. Even the cameraman thankfully thought that was the alternate scene.
Crystal Ball[]
Ian asks why Anthony has a band-aid. Anthony prepares to explain but Ian falls asleep and Anthony yells "let's do a crystal ball!" and Ian wakes up. A narrator says "Don't worry folks. Anthony said crystal ball, not balls. Oh f**k it! I don't know why I'm bothering to explain this!"
Ian - Ian looks into the hole of the donut and sees a girl, which he calls his future girlfriend. Ian says that she's hot but sees her hugging another guy. Ian runs up to confront the couple, only to find out that the girl is actually a long haired guy, causing Ian to scream in horror. Result: X
Anthony - Anthony tells his gummy snake that he'll love it "all night long" if he could tell him who wins Food Battle. The snake produces an image of Ian being impaled by a sword while saying he got impaled by a sword because he is a "dumbass". Anthony is excited that he's going to win and starts making out with the gummy snake. Result: ✓
Money[]
Ian picks the challenge while his finger sticks out of his fly. But Anthony suddenly sticks his snake out of his fly and picks money then walks away with the book stuck to his snake.
Anthony - Anthony pulls over and asks a prostitute (Ian) how much he should pay her, in which she asks how much he has. Anthony says that he doesn't have any money, but he tells her about "something that's bright red and 30 inches long". The prostitute says that is nasty, but Anthony KOs her with the snake. Result: X
Ian - Ian tries to use donut to purchase crack, but trips on a cardboard head and starts falling towards a sword. After flailing a lot, Ian narrowly escapes being impaled by a sword. Anthony comes in complaining that his gummy snake predicted that Ian would die and Anthony would win. Ian says that it's "crazy as balls," but since Ian said the trigger word from earlier, he hits himself with a stuffed cat and is then "killed" by a sword after he falls into it as Anthony says that he is a winner. Result: Result Not Taken
Alternate Scene[]
After Anthony accepts Ian's suggestion, Ian gets scared of Anthony's arms made of giant gummy snakes which Anthony doesn't know what he was scared of.
Ending[]
Ian survives being impaled because his mom's bra stopped the sword before it could kill him. Ian throws the sword into the air, sticking it onto the ceiling. Anthony and Ian hug after realizing that they should be friends and not wish for their deaths. As they hug, the crack dealer says that the hug is "gay as balls." Ian is still under the effects of the hypnotism and hits himself with the donut, breaking the hug. The sword falls off the ceiling and impales Anthony, killing him. Ian does a victory walk through the garage as the Food Battle News Reporter follows him, declaring Ian the winner of Food Battle of 2013. Asking him what he's going to do now, Ian says he is going to walk around with his bra on. He asks if the Reporter if he want to come as well; to which the Reporter unbuttons his shirt, revealing he is also wearing a bra, and yells "F**k Yeah!"
Cast[]
I funded a perk for FOOD BATTLE 2013 to get my name in the credits... where the frackin' frack is it?!
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The following foods were up for voting to be Anthony's Food.
The foods for the final voting round; Giant Gummy Snake and Hot Dog Weiner
Giant Gummy Snake (VICTOR; Won Round 3 Matchup vs Hot Dog Wiener)
Hot Dog Wiener (Eliminated in Round 3 Matchup vs Giant Gummy Snake)
Candy Cane (Eliminated in Round 2 by Giant Gummy Snake)
Banana (Eliminated in Round 2 by Hot Dog Wiener)
Chocolate Bar Donut (Eliminated by Giant Gummy Snake in the first vote period)
Fried Pickle (Eliminated by Hot Dog Weiner in the first vote period)
Pretzel (Eliminated by Candy Cane in the first vote period)
Corn on the Cob (Eliminated by Banana in the first vote period)
Trivia/Goofs/Notes[]
Most info about this and the announcement were announced at the end of the Livestream.
In the trailer at 0:45, behind the black censor box (that reads: "SECRETS ARE BACK HERE") you can visibly see something that looks like the Giant Gummy Snake.
This is the second Food Battle where Anthony's food was candy. The first was in 2011 where Anthony used the Rainbow Lollipop.
Running Gags:
The Gummy Snake coming out of Anthony's pants.
Ian hitting himself on the head whenever he hears someone say, "balls".
Anthony's gummy snake probably didn't predict the real future, since it predicted that Ian would die so Anthony could win; which nearly happened though didn't showing the possible fact that The Gummy Snake was something that sees events through a parallel universe due to the multiverse theory.
Just like every Food Battle's "SHUT UP!" Opening, a person usually says that he's eating something "very good". This time he doesn't get to finish what he wanted to say before he was Shut Up'ed.
As heard in the video, Anthony sings a butchered version of the jingle from Folgers' Coffee in the first battle.
What Anthony did in the beginning (taking the snake out of his pants) was possibly in reference to the Hot Dog Weiner's campaign video where other foods made fun of Hot Dog for looking like a penis, so the viewers can think that Food Battle 2013 was Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut vs. Hot Dog Weiner due to the d**k joke.
In the "Blanket to Hide a Dead Body" battle, Ian is whistling the tune of Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop".
When Sgt. Anous shoots Anthony, it is done similar to the way it is in the "How-To" Series, although he doesn't scream "BULLS**T!!!" before shooting, and when he fires his pistol, it fires completely automatically. This may mean he were using an automatic pistol.
It is shown in Food Battle 2009 that Anthony smashes a glass on Ian's head without knocking him out. A similar thing happens here, while this time, a beer bottle was used though was a "break-away" prop.
This is the second time Ian doesn't say "NO!" to the Food Battle Reporter at the end, the first was Food Battle 2011, when they both were in the afterlife.
In the Money challenge, when Anthony KOs the prostitute, the KO effect obviously comes from Super Street Fighter IV and its own arcade edition.
This is the last Food Battle made during the Defy Media era to have been filmed at Ian's parents' house. Anthony stated in the BTS for Food Battle X that they stopped using this house for Food Battle to give Ian's parents their privacy. When Anthony returned in 2023, they went back to this house to film again as a tribute.
This is the last Food Battle video where Anthony has his emo hair.
This is the last Food Battle video where Ian is the winner until FOOD BATTLE 2023.
Subscription Ending[]
"Ian: Click the subscribe button to get a free bra.
: Food Battle Series