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The official script of Every Dad Ever.

Script

Dad: (knocks three times on door)

Bobby! Is this your meth pipe I found?

Bobby:

Oh, oh, no, Dad, no that's NOT mine.

Dad:

Tut tut. Bobby, do you know what my dad did when he found me smoking cigarettes when I was younger? Well he handed me a lighter...and he said, Gerard, you smoke all of those cigarettes until you don't even wanna look at a cigarette anymore.

Bobby:

Okay, Dad, but I think this a little differen-

Dad: "Pulls out a pistol* Smoke the meth pipe. Smoke it all.

Narrator:

Every Dad Ever.

Daughter:

Whew, Dad, no one's seen Mom in two days, I'm starting to get really worried! She hasn't done the dishes, I haven't seen her at the-..Dad! Dad, Dad, Dad!

Dad:

I don't know; ask your mother.

Narrator:

Every Darr Taker!

Dad:

Whew, okay, we are seven minutes behind schedule but if we don't take any more bathroom breaks for the rest of the trip, we should be able to make it to the Grand Canyon by sunset. So, here's the piss bottle 

*Pulls out bottle of piss*

if you gotta go.

Teenage Son: Not gonna happen. Ow, Mom, what the hell?

Dad:

If we're gonna make it to Arizona, we're not gonna make any stops for food, okay, so let your mother have her way with your body.

Mom:

Keep driving Frank; you're doing great!

Dad:

Got ya, Babe, don't you worry.

Teenage Son:

Did you buy this or-

Mom and Dad:

Shh!

Narrator:

Every Dad Evvveeerrr.

Girlfriend:

So are we gonna make out or what?

Boyfriend:

What about your dad?

Girlfriend:

Don't mind him; he's harmless.

Dad:

*Restocks his shotgun*

Narrator:

Daddy!

Dad:

Oh, hey, you two lovebirds going out tonight?

Girlfriend and dad's son:

Yeah.

Dad:

Before you go, do you wanna hear a joke?

Girlfriend:

Okay.

Boyfriend:

Oh, Dad.

Dad:

Alright, uh...knock knock.

Girlfriend:

Who's there? *Dad loudly defecates in his pants*

Boyfriend:

Goddamn it, Dad!

Dad:

Ha ha ha ha, oh! Hey, honey?

Mom (offscreen):

Yeah, hun?

Dad:

Yeah, I think I pooped my pants again.

Mom:

Fart joke?

Dad:

Oh, yeah.

Mom:

Classic!

*both laughing*

Ha ha ha!

Narrator:

Papa!

(allegedly) Adopted teenager:

How many times do I have to tell you, Doug? I hate sports and you're not my real dad. Like, you never listen to me.

Adopter:

Here goes the football.

Adopted Teenager:

Doof! *hit by football*

Adopter:

Here, bruises will get you hurt.

Adopted Teenager:

Gah, I'm a vegetarian, damn it!

Adopter:

You need it to stop the bruising.

Adopted Teenager:

Stop it, gah!

Adopter:

EAT THE MEAT, SON.

Narrator: Daddy!

Boyfriend:

I think Dad is dressing up drag pretending to be a maid so he can get closer to us after the divorce.

Girlfriend: No way!

Divorced Husband/Maid:

Okay, I finish with the dishes now, Mrs. Carly, so you want me to clean the bedroom?

Divorced Wife:

I know it's you, Frank.

Divorced Husband/Maid:

You say Francesca very weird short way, Mrs. Carly.

Divorced Wife:

Just...mow the lawn, okay?

Divorced Husband/Maid:

I go mow the lawn now, hmm, ha ha!

Narrator: Daaaaa...

Gangsta Dad:

Yo, yo!

Bestfriend #2:

Oh my god.  Is that your dad?

Gangsta Dad:

Y'all see my Snapechat story this mornin'; that dope was fly!

Bestfriend #1:

Dad, it's Snapchat not Snapechat; that's Harry Potter.

Gangsta Dad:

Whatever, yo. Hey hold up one sec -  my hat got me turned up. Mmm, yeah, now me "fleeking"! Ahh? Do you hots wanna roll or nah?

Bestfriend #1:

What is wrong with you? Gah, we're walking home.

Gangsta Dad:

A'ight, suit yourself! Later, hoe!

Narrator:

Every Dad Ever.

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