Few people have heard of this indie movie called "Harry Potter" so we decided to give it the Every Blank Ever treatment. From parseltongue to horcruxes, this is EVERY HARRY POTTER EVER.
- Noah Grossman as Harry Potter and Lucius Malfoy
- Olivia Sui as Cho Chang and herself
- Ian Hecox as talk show host Rodger Hodgson, Albus Dumbledore, Ron Weasley, and Lord Voldemort
- Courtney Miller as J. K. Rowling, Hermione Granger, and Minerva McGonagall
- Keith Leak Jr. as the New Hogwarts Hire and himself
- Director: Ryan Todd
- Producers: Kristina Nikolic and Ryan Todd
- Writers: Monica Vasandani and Ryan Finnerty
- Editor: Nick Agich
- Assistant Editor: Matthew Duran
- Production Manager: Jon-Michael Burgess
- Production Designer: Tayler Nicholson
- Art Assistant: Jake Sperling
- Camera: Brennan Iketani
- Gaffer: Trent Turner
- Grip: Joseph Pitruzzello
- Sound Mixer: Greg Jones
- Makeup Artist: Rachel Jenkins
- Costume Supervisor: Lindsay Hamilton
- Script Supervisor: Merina Seidel
- Post-Production Supervisor: Reed Brice
- Senior Design: Ness Cardano
|Harry Potter (Noah Grossman) and Cho Chang (Olivia Sui) are walking together through Hogwarts when Cho spots a snake on the carpet. Cho asks a reluctant Harry to speak to it in Parseltongue. Harry relents and greets it. The snake asks where it can find any mice. When Harry responds with "No?!", the snake attacks him, who yelps and runs off. Cho, oblivious to Harry's distress, remarks with only "How cool!"|
|On Deep Talk with Rodger Hodgson, Rodger Hodgson (Ian Hecox) interviews J. K. Rowling (Courtney Miller). Rodger asks if the decision to make Dumbledore gay was a spontaneous one or a planned character trait. Rowling casually confirms the former, and also reveals that Nagini used to be human, Hagrid is a hoarder, and Snape sells weed. When Rodger points out that this changes the entire context of the story, Rowling scoffs and explains that the story is for her, not him. Rowling also mentions Ron's bed-wetting and Neville being a furry.|
|Professor Dumbledore (Ian) is interviewing a potential new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor (Keith Leak Jr.). The interviewee confirms that he both hates children and has secrets connections to Voldemort, which gets him hired. The new hire declares that his first order of business is to isolate Harry Potter in a locked room as soon as possible, which Dumbledore will happily assist him with.|
|Harry is with Ron (Ian) and Hermione (Courtney), who are asking if he is doing the "mind connection thing" with Voldemort again. Hermione asks if he is aware of the danger this puts them in, which Harry acknowledges. Ron asks him to stop, which Harry mockingly says that he doesn't want to. Harry's scar starts to burn again, giving him visions of Voldemort aware of their location and coming to them. Ron groans and Hermione berates Harry's poor decision-making, causing Harry to throw a tantrum that his friends won't pity him since his parents are dead.|
|Harry asks Professor McGonagall (Courtney) to sign his permission slip to go to Hogsmeade. McGonagall declines, apologizing and explains that only parents or guardians can sign it. Harry, incredulous, states the irony in needing a permission slip to go to Hogsmeade when that is not required to play Quidditch, fight a dragon during the Triwizard Tournament, or fight a boggart in a D.A.D.A. class. McGonagall confirms this and returns the slip to Harry.|
|Voldemort (Ian) is musing about how he will need another's wand to kill Harry Potter and is about to ask Lucius Malfoy (Noah) for his when he notices Lucius about to eat a sandwich. Lucius asks if it is a meeting snack. Voldemort yells that it is not and that the sandwich is a Horcrux. He admits that a sandwich was not a good idea for a Horcrux but yells at Lucius again, who flinches and admits his weakness for avocados.|
|Keith and Olivia are sitting on a couch, watching television. Keith sees Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is on, much to Olivia's displeasure. Her reaction confuses Keith and she explains that she loves the books but dislikes the movies for "ruin[ing] the story". Olivia explains her frustration with the movies being due to Dumbledore yelling at Harry if he put his name is the Goblet of Fire instead of calmly asking, like in the book. Ironically, Olivia is oblivious to Keith's sarcasm when he reflects that the entire story is ruined due to the delivery of one otherwise unchanged line.|
|Harry and Ron are running through a forest when Ron spots a dementor. Harry casts the Disarming Charm (Expelliarmus), which proves ineffective (dementors don't carry wands, which Ron points out). Ron suggests summoning a Patronus, but Harry tries Expelliarmus again and fails. Ron is getting frustrated and Harry admits that Expelliarmus is the only spell he knows. In a sudden change of topic, Harry asks Ron if he can date his sister (Ginny), which Ron initially refuses until offered chocolate. As they leave, Harry remembers the dementor and they start to run.|
Noah: "Hello there, I'm Harry Potter. If you enjoyed the video and my trash English accent, click the box on the left to watch The Big WHAT IF HARRY POTTER..."
- Ian as Rodger Hodgson calling J. K. Rowling "Ms. Dumbledore". Ryan even thought this was intentional.
- Ron and Hermione leave up the stairs to have sex.
- Olivia about to express her dislike of the movies in a deep voice before she and Keith crack up.
- Noah as Harry gasping hard in reaction to the dementor.
- Noah: "Expecto Patronum!"
- Courtney: "My wand is actually a stylus!"
- Ian (deep, nasally voice): "Mr. Potter, our newest celebrity."
- Ian (gruffly): "Oi, I'm Hagrid!"
- Unknown: "Am I the only one here who thinks that Voldemort got a nose job?"
- Courtney: "Is that Moaning Myrtle?" Noah: "No, that's Jake. He had Taco Bell." Courtney: "Oh."
- Courtney: "Every Harry–" Ian: "Potter!" Courtney: "–Ever."
- This is the first episode of Every Blank Ever released since Defy Media shut down.
- This video reached #11 in YouTube's Trending feed.
- For the second video in a row, Ness Cordano's credit for senior design is listed twice in the description.
- Harry lists the Triwizard Tournament, which occurs while he is in his fourth year, as an example of a participatory event that does not require parental permission despite being in his third year.