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Watch Magic Wipes get rid of the stain like magic!
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Goddammit, EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER, we need more information!
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Why are there no pictures of EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER on the wall?
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Yeah, let's find that son of a bitch!
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I funded a perk for EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER to get my name in the credits... where the frackin' frack is it?!
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EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER is an episode of Every Blank Ever. It was released on February 11, 2019.
Whether it's Seamless, Grubhub, Doordash, UBER Eats or Postmates, a lot of us are paying other people to get our own food for us. We truly live in a golden age. By the way, you better be tipping those people.
Synopsis[]
Shayne arrives at Courtney's house to deliver her pizza. When Courtney opens the box, she notices and points out to Shayne that half of the pizza is missing. Shayne denies that his involvement, but Courtney also points out the sauce and pepperoni on his mouth and shirt. Shayne half-heartedly claims that it is actually blood and that he was stabbed.
Courtney is using her phone to track the delivery man, who she irritatedly notes is moving slow. Much to her confusion, however, her delivery man (Ian) jogs up, heavily breathing, and tosses her food to her. A rather sweaty Ian yells "Don't forget to tip!" before running off to his next pickup five miles away as Courtney watches on in shock.
Bobby arrives with food at the residence of James, an old high school classmate. They catch up, both of them seeing that James is doing much better than Bobby. James's wife and Bobby's ex-girlfriend Carol appears behind James, who greets Bobby and asks how his rap career is doing (after "brutally" dumping her, having claimed that she was the only thing in his way). Carol grabs the food and the couple shuts the door in Bobby's face.
Courtney opens the door for Ian, who gives her her ordered food while seemingly staring her up and down while licking his lips. Courtney asks him to stop and Ian explains that he has a genetic condition in his face and chronic dry lip syndrome. Courtney apologizes as her boyfriend (Damien) appears and sees Ian lustingly looking at him, and explains to Courtney that he is genuinely hitting on her boyfriend
Damien arrives with Shayne's ice cream, explaining that the line was crazy and he has social anxiety. Damien goes on to explain that he is going through a breakup and she is being weird about them remaining friends and his parents unfairly nagging him to get married. Damien starts to get angry as he recounts his story, grabbing Shayne's ice cream and eating it in tears.
James and Carol are waiting for their food to arrive via drone. Carol excitedly goes to the front porch once she is notified that their food has arrived. The drone, target locked, fires the "air burger" and ends up knocking her out. James opens the door to find Carol unconscious but is preoccupied with the burger's lack of Thousand Island dressing that he had ordered.
Ian from Postmates arrives with Courtney's Gatorade. Courtney notices that she received Fruit Punch instead of Lemon Lime, so Ian calls in an order for the correct flavor. After several seconds of awkward silence, Shayne from Grubhub appears with another Fruit Punch Gatorade; seeing the error, he orders a Lemon Lime. Ian receives the delivery notification and leaves to fulfill it, leaving Courtney and Shayne to wait for their Lemon Limes to arrive.
Outtakes[]
Ian jogs by Courtney and tosses her her food, but she fails to catch it.
Courtney fails again to catch the food.
Damien, as Bobby, messes up his line because he accidentally looked into the camera.
Courtney, as Carol, messes up her line.
Damien needs a spit bag after studying his mouth with ice cream.
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"Hey guys, thanks so much for watching this video. I hope my delivery was good [...] Ahh... I'm an actor. If you want a very special video just for you, click the box on the left, or if you want something weird, click the box on the right. G'bye!"
— Courtney over a looped clip of her (as Carol) being struck by an air burger
Main article: EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER/Script
