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Shayne: "Sir, I don't know how they do things at H&R Block or wherever chaotic sh*thole you work, but here at Chipotle, we have strict rules and regulations, you got it?!"
Courtney: "Yeah, and for trying to bully us into violating those rules, we're gonna have to ask you to leave!"
— Two Chipotle employees to Damien

EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER is the 137th episode of the Smosh series Every Blank Ever. It video released on August 12, 2019.

Description

Let's just be real for a second: You're going to regret ordering the Sofritas over steak, you want a burrito— not a salad, and you're gonna get guac no matter how much more they charge you for it. This is EVERY CHIPOTLE EVER.

Credits

Cast

Crew

Synopsis

EveryChipotleEver Clip 1 Olivia is trying to eat healthier and does not want a burrito, so Shayne recommends a bowl. Olivia agrees, but essentially ends up with a burrito, filling her bowl with beans, rice, steak, sour cream, a few fistfuls of cheese, and queso, as well as "two tortillas worth of chips" to "treat" herself for eating healthy.
EveryChipotleEver Clip 2 Courtney asks Ian if he wants black or pinto beans on his meal. Not knowing the difference, Ian is confused when Courtney unenthusiastically asks him again. Fed up, Ian yells "Pinto!". Courtney adds the beans while murmuring to herself (to Ian's frustration and further confusion). Ian asks for rice, but Courtney asks if he would like white or brown.
EveryChipotleEver Clip 3 Damien decides that he is good on rice, but changes his mind. However, because his meal had already been moved from Bases to Toppings, the employees start to panic. Damien questions why his meal cannot simply be moved back to get the rice, so the employees angrily explain that the meal is only supposed to travel one swift direction, and eventually ask him to leave for trying to "bully" them into violating Chipotle's "strict rules and regulations".
EveryChipotleEver Clip 4 Ian complains about Olivia's desire to go to Chipotle since their rather large burritos make his belly appear "bloated" and mockingly states that everything she wants to do "sucks ass". Olivia turns around and asks for a (humorously oversized) burrito and tosses it in Ian's arms, which causes him to fall over through a wall.
EveryChipotleEver Clip 5 Courtney is training Damien and offers to teach him how to wrap a burrito. Damien declines, thinking the action to be easy. Damien tries to wrap several burritos in different ways, all of which fail to function as a burrito. Frustrated, Damien declares "quittin' time" and goes to leave, but trips and falls on the way out.
EveryChipotleEver Clip 6 Curious about what is written on the side of Chipotle cups, Ian reads what turns out to be a message from an indentured cup artist: Six of them were kidnapped in the night and taken to a lighthouse prison, where four of them have died to E. coli. One of them writes to his wife and promises to find a way home to her. Olivia and Ian both chalk it up to "corporate bullsh*t".
EveryChipotleEver Clip 7 Damien tries to bargain with Courtney to get his "avacado salsa", as salsa is free and guacamole is extra. His first offer, involving giving him an avacado (as vegetables are free) and salsa, is declined. His second offer, involving Courtney withholding the cheese and sour cream and replacing it with guacamole and extra meat so everyone is happy, causes an unamused Courtney to declare that she is going on break and leave. Damien steps back to try and make a similar bargain with a customer.
EveryChipotleEver Clip 8 Shayne, under the impression that Chipotle is an "authentic Mexican experience", tries to make an order in fluffed Spanish, to the confusion of the employee. Courtney translates, explaining that Shayne wants a meat wrap with "those little black potatoes" and "spicy ketchup". A disappointed Shayne tells the two that neither of them have culture.

Transitions

  • Courtney: "Every Chipotle Ever."
  • Shayne: "You want a quesadilla? It'll be ready in two days."
  • Damien: "So "frita" is just Spanish for "ain't no meat in this!"."
  • Courtney: "I ordered the bowl and then I just used chips as a utensil."
  • Shayne: "Sorry, we're out of grilled veggies. We always have been, and we always will be."
  • Damien: "Are you actually going to order a margarita here?"
  • Shayne: "The Cheesarito is a real thing and it's on the secret menu. Order it."

Outro

"Thank you guys so much for watching Every Chipotle Ever. If you still want to see more sketches, check out the one we did last week, DATING IN 1999 vs. 2019. Or, if you're in a Summer Games mode and want to see some competitions, click this playlist to see everything we've done so far."
— Damien

Gallery

References

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