• Ian: Oh, uh, do you have the time?
  • Anthony: Yeah, it's 12:15.
  • Apple employee: It took 1.5 seconds for you to check the time!
  • Anthony: You timed that?
  • Apple employee: With this stopwatch on my all new Apple Watch! Just one of the amazing features it has.
  • Ian: Doesn't the iPhone already have a stopwatch?
  • Anthony: Yeah, who the hell wears a wristwatch anymore?
  • Apple employee: The better question is, who doesn't?
  • Ian: Newborn babies.
  • Anthony: Someone with two broken wrists.
  • Ian: A guy with no arms.
  • Anthony: People with really small clock phobias.
  • Ian: Pretty much everyone, really.
  • Anthony: Why are you even so excited about this thing?
  • Ian: Yeah, it's just another useless Apple product they want us to think we need.
  • Female Apple employee to Apple employee: That's a really sexy watch. [turning to Ian and Anthony] Too bad you guys don't have one to cover your fat, ugly wrists.

[Ian and Anthony cover their wrists looking around in shame]

[30 minutes later]

  • Ian: Okay, we got your stupid watch, now what can it do? [Anthony points to the watch]
  • Apple employee: You can tap on it and your friends will feel the tapping!
  • Anthony: That is really creepy.
  • Ian: Is Apple trying to bring back Morse Code or something?
  • Apple employee: Uh... It can send a heartbeat!
  • Ian: Why would you wanna do that?
  • Apple employee: So you know your friends are still alive?...
  • Anthony: Okay, why wouldn't my friend just send me a text or call me?
  • Ian: Yeah, or they could send you a picture of them not dead.
  • Apple employee: .... I gotta go.... Pee!...

[walks to his car nervously]

  • Apple employee: It's just a quick tinkle! Why don't you fellas stay there? [laughing nervously]

[he drives off and Ian shrugs]

At the Apple HQ: [building burning and screams in the background]

  • Apple employee to Female Apple employee and black employee: Our plan didn't work.
  • Black Apple employee: But she fat-shamed their wrists into getting the watches, right?
  • Apple employee: Yeah, and they still think they're lame.
  • Black Apple employee: They won't after you let them know you can run home appliances with it.
  • Female Apple employee: Only the internet-enabled ones, like your TV and, um... y-y-y-your TV!
  • Black Apple employee: That's right.
  • Anthony: Why would I wanna turn my TV on while I'm not at home?
  • Ian: Yeah, that's almost as pointless as sucking a fat man's nipples for milk.
  • Apple employee: .... I'll be back!

[tires screech]

  • Anthony: What kind of a metaphor was that?
  • Ian: Okay, it's not a metaphor, it's a simile, and I may have tried it once..... I-I-I don't recommend it...

At the Apple HQ:

  • Apple employee: They didn't care at all! They just... talked about sucking on some fat dude's nipples.
  • Female Apple employee: [seductively] Go on....
  • Black Apple employee: Alright.... Time to pull out the big guns.... [starts struggling with the watch]... How do I get to the fitness app again?...
  • Female Apple employee: Hold two fingers on the screen for two seconds.
  • Black Apple employee: Okay... One, two...

[[[Ultimate Assassin's Creed 3 Song]] starts playing]

  • Female Apple employee: Wrong app, idiot!
  • Black Apple employee: Damn it! I'll hold it for four seconds... Woop, nope, those are my nudes... Three seconds.... O-O-Female Apple employee?...

[she's clinging to his shoulder seductively]

  • Black Apple employee: Female Apple employee! Those my baby pictures, my momma the only person supposed to see those now! No!

[Apple employee runs back to Ian and Anthony]

  • Apple employee: [panting and out of breath] .... Look...... It shows your heart rate.... And how far you've walked... Along with how many calories you burned, and... I just ran 14 miles... Because my piece of shit car broke down!... Ha!....
  • Ian: That's great and all, but I really don't care about fitness, do you?
  • Anthony: No, I'm perfectly fine with dying at 30.
  • Apple employee: Come on! [runs off clumsily with sweat pouring down the back of his shirt]

A the Apple HQ:

  • Black Apple employee: Yeah, we got nothing else.
  • Apple employee: Then what did we spend the last five years developing?! It's a $350 piece of garbage!
  • Female Apple employee: The gold-plated one cost me $5,000.
  • Apple employee: Oh, come on! Apple used to be a place for innovation, not gimmicky bullshit for rich people!
  • Black Apple employee: Yeah, but we like money.
  • Apple employee: You guys getting this Morse Code tap?
  • Black Apple employee: Oh, yeah.
  • Female Apple employee: What does it say?
  • Apple employee: It says go fuck yourselves! [flips them off and leaves]
  • Apple employee: [running up to Anthony and Ian out of breath and panting again]: Fine! Heh.... You guys win! Okay? This thing sucks big fat floppy dicks! Alright? I'ma draw you a picture and send it to you to show you exactly what it looks like! Ha! Ha ha! [draws the dick and sends it to them]
  • Ian: Hold up, man. You can draw pictures of dicks and send them to your friends on this thing?
  • Apple employee: Yeah! Who cares?!
  • Title screen: Apple Watch. The best dick drawing invention of all time. And it can tell time, I guess.
  • Ian and Anthony: DICKS!!!!
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