If Movies Were Real/Script

Introduction
(Ian and Anthony are sitting on their couch watching a movie)

Ian: This movie's retarded. No girl that hot would know this much about cars.

Anthony: It's a Transformers movie. Get over it.

Ian: I know, but it just bothers me, because the only way a girl would know that much about cars is if she was ugly, had bad B.O., or was a lesbian.

Anthony: Yeah, but just imagine how stupid movies would be if they were all realistic.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
(Pineapples are raining down while Ian and Anthony are running and screaming)

Anthony: WHY'D IT HAVE TO RAIN PINEAPPLES?!

Twilight
(Several scenes of Edward (Anthony) and Bella (Ian), while Bella voices over)

Bella: I know what you are. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. You don't go out into the sunlight.

Edward: Say it, out loud. Say it.

Bella: Vampire.

Edward: No, I, just play a lot of World of Warcraft.

Forrest Gump
(Forrest (Ian) and a random man (Anthony) are sitting on a park bench)

Forrest: Momma always told me, there's an awful lot you can tell by someone, just by looking at their shoes. Where they're going, where they be -

(The man steals the box Forrest is holding)

Forrest: Hey, those are my chocolates!

Hotel for Dogs
(Mark (Anthony) is holding two garbage bags full of dog poop)

Mark: THERE'S DOG S**T EVERYWHERE!

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
(Voldemort is getting away in a blue pickup truck, with Harry (Ian) about to chase)

Voldemort: Try and catch me, Potter!

Harry: Get back here, Voldemort!

(Tries to chase him on a broom, but falls to the ground almost immediately)

Harry: AHH! Oh, my English tea bags!

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
(Harry (Anthony) and Marv (Ian) are making a deal with Kevin (also Ian)

Harry: Let me make a deal with you. You throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you.

Kevin: OKAY!

(Kevin picks up a brick instead and throws it, hitting and killing Marv)

Music: R.I.P Marv

G-Force
(Ben (Ian) is attempting to contact Speckles (Charlie))

Ben: Big Boy to Speckles, come in.

(No response)

Ben: Big Boy to Speckles, do you read me?

(Still no response)

Ben: ANSWER ME DAMMIT!

Watchmen
(Dr. Manhattan (Anthony) just stands still with his crotch area censored)

Up
(Carl (Anthony) is sticking his head out of a window)

Carl: So long boys! (Blows a raspberry and releases five balloons from the window, which unsurprisingly fails to lift the house)

Ending
(Cut back to the couch)

Ian: Yeah, I guess those movies would suck.

Anthony: Told you.

Ian: (sighs) Well, I've gotta go to work.

Anthony: Selling Miley Cyrus's used tissues on eBay is not work.

Ian: YES IT IS!

(Cut to Ian driving his car, which begins to break down)

Ian: (quietly) Oh, oh crap.

(Cut to Ian looking at the car engine bay, and is approached by a girl with striking resemblance to Megan Fox, who inspects the engine)

girl: A USDM TJ-05 with a TDF turbo? That's pretty impressive. I see what's wrong here. Your, uh, distributor cap's a little loose.

Ian: (turning away) Oh my God, it really does happen?! (turns back) Hey, um, do you think maybe you and me could -

(Ian sees that the 'girl' has a penis, which greatly shocks him)

Alternate Ending
Ian: Hey, um, do you think maybe you and me could - (sees the 'girl's' penis) AHHH!!!

girl: (in a male voice) WHAT?

The Sixth Sense (Deleted Scene)
(A man (Ian) approaches Cole (Anthony), who is lying on a bed)

Man: What's wrong with you kid?

Cole: (whispering) I see dead people.

(Cut to Cole squirming in a straightjacket)

Cole: (screaming)'' I SWEAR I SAW HIM! LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT!!''

Aladdin (Deleted Scene)
(Aladdin (Anthony) is telling the magic carpet to fly)

Aladdin: Fly magic carpet! Fly!

(A frustrated Harry Potter (Ian) walks by)

Harry: Don't even bother.

(Harry throws the broom on the ground, curses at it, and walks off angrily)