So Many Hickeys!/Script

Smosh video starts in Ian's room where Anthony opens the door to get in.

ANTHONY

(enters the room) Do you care to explain (Ian gets out of the covers seen with blue-penguin themed pjs) why I woke up today with a hickey on my neck?! (points at the visible hickey on the right side of his neck)

IAN

(clears his throat)

I don't know.

ANTHONY

Oh, my God. You have one too.

IAN

What?

ANTHONY

(approaches Ian)

Yeah man. (grabs Ian's chin) Oh, my God. You gotta look at this thing.

IAN

On what?

ANTHONY

It's disgusting.

IAN

Where?

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM (enters the room and gets jaw-dropped)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh.

<p style="text-align:center;">(Ian and Anthony look up to see her)

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM

<p style="text-align:center;">You two need to be more careful when you're kissing.

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">What?!

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Gram-Gram we weren't... kissing.

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM (doubts them)

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, sure. I think it might be time to have the "birds and bees" talk with you two.

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">We already know about birds and bees. They have wings, they fly around and stuff.

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, we're not stupid, duh!

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM

<p style="text-align:center;">Listen, hickeys are just gay-way kisses to naughtier kisses. Yeah, (nods) like this. (holds onto Miss Hugsalot. A reference to Smosh Babies)

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing with my Miss Hugsalot?

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM: Whatever you do, do not let anyone give you this deadly kiss, the Louisiana Steamboat. (demonstrates but as she does, Ian and Anthony get disgusted) Now just in case, (toss plastic condoms) take these for protection.

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Whwh-What are they?

<p style="text-align:center;">GRAM-GRAM

<p style="text-align:center;">Ear condoms, duh.

[In the living room, Ian and Anthony watch the History Channel]

<p style="text-align:center;">NARRATOR

<p style="text-align:center;">We now return to Ancient Boogeymen.

<p style="text-align:center;">GIORGIO

<p style="text-align:center;">The pyramids, made by boogeymen. The Empire State Building, boogeymen. Rainbows, boogeymen.

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Do people actually believe this guy?

(Ian shushes Anthony)

<p style="text-align:center;">GIORGIO

<p style="text-align:right;">But you gotta watch out for the young boogeymen cuz those guys don't have teeth. So when they go to suck on you, they leave small marks on your neck resembling hickeys. Boogeymen are responsible for all of life's mysteries. This show, boogeymen. Kim Kardashian's ass, boogeymen. My hair--- gay guy named Carlos; but he was birthed by boogeymen.

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I'm not gonna be the boogeyman's bitch. I think we need to set up some cameras in my room and catch this thing.

<p style="text-align:center;">[In Ian's room at 3:24:09 P.M., he sets up the cameras he mentioned before]

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony

<p style="text-align:center;">(sleeps in an L position) Wh-why... Why do we have to sleep like this?

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian: It's the only way we can both get in the shot. (lays down in the same position) Sh-Shut up and go to sleep.

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay.

(The camera speeds up showing them moving around excessively in their sleep) 5 hours, 16 minutes later. The camera was moved and something's making sucking noises)

<p style="text-align:center;">Narrator (Stevie)

<p style="text-align:center;">The next morning.

(Ian and Anthony wake up)

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony

<p style="text-align:center;">Dude, it happened again!

(Ian is holding Miss Hugsalot and flowers)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian: And it left us flowers?!

(Anthony unzips his onesie and there are numerous hickeys, Ian and Anthony scream very loudly. In the next scene, They are both on the computer watching the footage)

Anthony: Did you see that? Something moved the camera.

Ian: What the frick? Do you hear that?

(there are noises on the computer)

Ian: Sounds like a baby boogeyman.

Anthony: Okay, we need to do some serious research.

[In the living room]

Narrator: You're watching The History Channel. We ran out of World War II shows so here's some bulls**t show about boogeymen.

Anthony: Okay, this is not what I meant by serious research.

Ian: You're just jealous of that guy's awesome hair.

Anthony: True.

Giorgio: Baby boogeymen mature very quickly. On the first night, they give you hickeys.

(Ian gasps)

Giorgio: Then on the second night, they give you gifts.

(Ian holds up the flowers and gasps)

Giorgio: And then, they'll suck you dry! Like this, (demonstrates)

Ian: Oh, my God, that's the Louisiana Steamboat! (points at the demonstration)

Anthony: No, that's the Mississipi Mudflap.

Ian: No, the Mississipi Mudflap is when you **** a **** and then everyone **** and under the **** and then your **** comes in and **** the rope out of your ****.

Anthony: Well either way, no one's giving me the Cleveland Steamer.

Ian: Louisiana Steamboat.

Anthony: Yeah whatever! Are you gonna help me kill this thing or not? In Ian's room

Narrator (Stevie): Later that day, I mean night.

(Ian and Anthony prepare for the boogeyman)

Ian: Alright, (tries to give plastic condoms) here. I got you some too.

Anthony: Ew, (slaps the condoms off) no! Gross!

Ian: Fine, it's your funeral.

(Something comes out of the closet having Ian and Anthony scared at first, but Anthony charges at it with a bat and hits it to the bed while Ian shoots it with a shotgun)

Anthony: Dude, was that really necessary?

Ian: Uh, yeah! Damn, this gun's O.P.!

Anthony: Ogre porn?

Ian: No. O.P., overpowered.

Anthony: Uh no, I'm pretty sure it means ogre porn. Trust me, I've frequented in many Shrek forms in my day. (Ian looks at him awkwardly) Oh, so uh, you-you think he's dead.

(Ian shakily opens the hood to reveal Stevie having Ian and Anthony scream in fear)

Ian: WHAT THE F**K, STEVIE!

Anthony: Stevie, what the hell (helps Stevie get up) have you been doing to us in our sleep?!

Stevie: It's okay, guys (takes off the coat). My trusty friend book stopped the bullets.

Ian: Why are you giving us hickeys and flowers, dude?

Stevie: Cuz, I want to be friends with you and that's what the book told me to do.

Anthony: Uh, this is how to get a boyfriend (points at the book's title).

Stevie: Yeah, you guys are boys and a friend; boyfriend, duh. And I'm sorry about your clothes Ian; why I was in there for like seven hours and kinda had to take a poop, so I'm sorry about that. But can we still be friends?

Ian: Goddamn it, Stevie, I'm gonna kill you!---

Anthony: (stops Ian from hurting Stevie) Hey! At least there's no such thing as the boogeyman, right?

Ian: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Boogeyman: (appears from the closet) Sure about that?

(Ian and Anthony get scared, shove Stevie in the closet, and runs away)

Stevie: (gets sucked by the boogeyman) No, not the Louisiana Steamboat! NoOh. Damn - it's kinda good!

[end of the video]