KILLER TEDDY BEAR!/Script

Story
''We see Anthony sitting in front of the computer, reading OMG Facts. Suspenseful music plays in the background.''

Anthony: "Teddy bears and other toys kill more people than real bears." [drawn out] Right.

''Cut to Anthony at the table, opening a box with a pair of scissors, accompanied by cheerful music. He looks to his right. An ominous sting plays as Anthony notices a teddy bear sitting on the seat next to him. Anthony is nervous for a moment, but shrugs it off and continues opening the package, the cheerful music returning. He puts the scissors down to open the box himself, which contains a Self Defence for Dummies DVD.''

Anthony: [quietly] Yes!

''Anthony tries to open the DVD but fails, realizing it is still wrapped in plastic. He reaches for the scissors. The music suddenly stops when he discovers the scissors are missing. Another ominous sting occurs as the camera pans up to see the teddy bear, unmoved from the chair. Anthony's nervousness slowly turns to horror as he stares at the teddy bear. There's a knock on the door, and Anthony answers it to find Ian.''

Anthony: Hey.

Ian: Hey! So I finally got that clone machine working and I th -

Anthony: AHH!!!

Yet another sting plays as the camera quickly cuts to the teddy bear, having somehow followed Anthony to the front door, holding the missing scissors.

Anthony: [scared] It's trying to kill me!

Ian: [annoyed] You've been reading those OMG Facts again, haven't you?

Anthony: [defensively] They're true facts!

Ian walks over and picks up the teddy bear and the scissors, and proceeds to mock Anthony by pretending the bear is trying to stab him.

Ian: [mocking] Oh no! Oh help! Help! The teddy bear's stabbing me! Oh no! Oh!

Ian's phone rings, and he looks at the screen.

Ian: [normally] Oh, uh huh. Well, while you're playing with your little teddy bear...

Ian throws the teddy bear to Anthony, who catches it but immediately tries to get rid of it.

Ian: ...I got a hot girl to talk to. Her name's Ashley! (laughs)

Anthony: Is it your mom?

Ian: [annoyed] Eh - no!

''Ian heads off into another room, leaving Anthony by himself. Anthony looks down at the teddy bear on the floor.''

Ian: [still on the phone] No, I didn't pack any underwear. I'm only gonna be here for a couple of hours! Yeah. Bye, Ashley.

''The door mysteriously opens as Ian finishes his call, but he only notices when the door shuts again. Suspenseful music resumes as Ian slowly turns around in the chair, to discover the teddy bear in the room, holding the scissors. Ian shuffles himself and the chair forward and picks the teddy bear and scissors up. He quickly dismisses all of this as a joke by Anthony.''

Ian: Nice try, Anthony!

Ian shakes his head, but then suspiciously looks back down at the teddy bear.

Cut to Anthony in the living room, watching Self Defense for Dummies. The instructor (KassemG) is currently on screen, presenting how to deter an attacker (Ian).

Instructor: To confuse your assailant, try a random word or phrase, like [to assailant] "I have diarrhea".

Assailant: [confused] Huh? [walks off screen]

Instructor: Now you try. I have diarrhea.

Anthony: I have diarrhea!

Instructor: Again!

Anthony: I have diarrhea!

''A bloodcurdling scream sounds through the house. Anthony runs to the study to investigate, and finds Ian.''

Anthony: [annoyed] OK, man, I get it! You don't have to keep making fun of me!

''Ian's head suddenly falls off his body. The camera quickly zooms in on the teddy bear, which stares at Anthony.''

Anthony: AHH!!! I HAVE DIARRHEA!

Anthony runs away screaming, reaching the front door, when a Kung Fu Sensei (Ian) walks in.

Anthony: AHH!! I HAVE -

Sensei: SILENCE!

Anthony is promptly slapped by the Sensei, calming him down.

Sensei: Defeating a teddy bear is simple. All you have to do is - AARRGH!

Anthony: AHH!

It is revealed the Sensei was speared with a javelin by the teddy bear, which has once again followed Anthony.

Sensei: Oh no! Javelin! Damn you, teddy bear! Oh, (unintelligible)...

''Sensei slumps to the ground, dying. Anthony is about to break down in front of him.''

Sensei: Listen. T-Tell my cats that I love them, and that I miss them!

Anthony: Just tell me how to defeat the teddy bear!

Sensei: I'm so sorry, but my last dying words can only be 140 characters long.

Anthony looks at the Sensei with bewilderment, as Sensei mentally adds up all the characters, using his hands.

Sensei: Yep, all up. [dies immediately]

Suddenly, a police officer (also Ian) barges through the front door, shoving Anthony back and aiming a gun at the teddy bear.

Policeman: Crap! Get back! Stop right there, teddy bear!

Anthony looks on in horror as the policeman's hand starts to shake uncontrollably, progressively beginning to point downwards.

Policeman: Oh God! He's controlling my mind!

The gun is now pointed straight down, towards the policeman's penis.

Policeman: No! Not down there! I make babies with that! [shoots] OOWWW!!! MY WIENER!

''The police officer slumps to the ground. Anthony quickly picks up the gun and aims at the teddy bear.''

Anthony: [panicking] G-Get away from me!

''Anthony fires three shots, but they all miss the teddy bear. He pulls again, but the gun has run out of bullets. Anthony slumps against the corner, beginning to cry. He soon hears mocking laughter.''

Ian: Yeah! Got you! (laughs)

Both the Sensei and Policeman get back up, seemingly unharmed, and begin laughing at a confused Anthony.

Ian: I get you with my clones, ''every time! ''Yeah!

Policeman Ian: (laughing) You are so stupid!

Sensei Ian: (laughing) You are an idiot!

Policeman Ian and Sensei Ian high-five each other.

Anthony: What about the teddy bear?

The teddy bear now has Ian's face.

Midget Ian: [slightly higher pitched] Midget clone! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Anthony: [shocked] Eulgh!

Everyone except Anthony continues laughing.

Policeman Ian: Hahaha - yeah, (unintelligible) -

He raises his blood-coated hand.

Policeman Ian: Guys, I really shot my wiener off.

Credits
Sensei: To see the full self-defense video, starring KassemG, go to Smosh.com!

KassemG: Today I'm going to show you how to repel bad guys.

Sensei: Also check out the OMG Facts official YouTube channel, and watch Smosh present an OMG Fact. It'll make you say OMG! Or at least... that's a very interesting fact! And thank you for subscribing. Brings great honor to my family. Especially to my grandma cause she likes YouTube. She has YouTube channel. Youtube.com/grandma_of_samurai_woman2357... Justin Bieber.