MY BATHROOM SECRET/Script

[disclaimer is spoken]

IAN

She's supposed to be an even better actress than Megan Fox.

ANTHONY

Dude, how's that possible? Megan Fox...

IAN

Oh, I gotta go pee really quick. [walks in the bathroom]

Anthony: Dude, come on. We're already gonna be late.

Ian: Well, I don't wanna piss myself at the movies.

Anthony: Yeah, I should probably go too.

[walks in with Ian and sees him sitting down]

Oh, come on, man. You said you were just going pee.

Ian: I am, but I can't go with you watching me. Go away!

[urinates and then stops when Anthony looks repeatedly]

Stop it!

Anthony: If you're just going pee, then why are you sitting down?

Ian: [comes out of the stall] Why would I not?

Anthony: Seriously?

Ian: Yeah?

Anthony: Hey, Troy, do you pee standing up or sitting down?

Troy: Standing up?

Ian: Well, fine I guess I'm the freak, then! [walks out]

Troy: Geez. [pulls down his pants] What's that guy's problem?

[2 Days Later]

Anthony: [urinates while he sings SpongeBob theme song]

Ian: Yes, Anthony, I'm taking a crap while standing up. Are you happy now?

Anthony: What?

Ian: Oh, dude! How is this even the correct way? I'm getting some major splashage from this height.

Anthony: No, you're supposed to do THAT sitting down.

Ian: [comes out of the stall] Well, which one is it man?! Sitting down or standing up?! MAKE UP YOUR GOD DAMN MIND! God... the only thing more annoying than listening to you is trying to use one of these stupid drinking fountains. [flushes and drinks from the urinal] Especially when these idiots piss in them! Like that's real funny! [Anthony stares disgustedly at him] What?!