I LOST MY HAIR!/Script

Anthony: (sings while driving) ''I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over!  Will it be so...''

(Anthony crashes into a homeless guy)

guy: (gets up) Spare change sir?

Anthony: Sorry, I don't carry any cash.

guy: What about that?!

(Anthony's car reveals money)

Anthony: How about you get off your lazy ass and go get a real job?!

guy: This is a real job! I bet I make more money than you.

Anthony: Yeah, and I bet I have more hair than you; and I'd win that bet because I'm not a stupid bald idiot.

guy: Oh so you think bald people is stupid, huh?

Anthony: Ah, yeah.

guy: Mark my words, you're gonna ruin the day you've ever said that to me. ---Imperio! Crucio! Avada Kedavra!

Anthony: What the hell are you doing?

guy: I'm cursing you.

Anthony: Yeah, well curse this.

(Anthony runs over the guy's toe with is car)

guy: OWWWWW!

Anthony: Enjoy your pancake foot you bald idiot!

In the house

(Ian was playing with the Bop-it)

bop-it: High score 1. Bop it.

(Ian accidentally twists)

bop-it: Yeah!

Ian: Damn it!

bop-it: Hohoho!

(Ian sees Anthony upset)

Ian: What's wrong man?

Anthony: I ran some homeless guy over and got blood all over my car.

Ian: Ah well, you know what always cheers me up after running over homeless people?

Anthony: What?

Ian: (grabs a shot gun) Shooting things!

Anthony: (gets the gun) Yeah!

(Ian starts laughing as Anthony is shooting things even Peter Peter until Anthony aimed for a red barrel)

Ian: (slow motion) No, not the red barrel!

Anthony: (slow motion) Why not?

Ian: (slow motion) Because everyone knows when you shoot a red barrel it explodes.

Anthony: (slow motion) Well crap, I already pulled the trigger!

Ian: (slow motion) Well than why isn't it explo...

(The barrel exploded and made Ian and Anthony startled)

At the hospital

(Anthony wakes up reliazing where he is)

doctor: (comes up to him) I have good news and I have bad news. Good news is you don't have herpes. (laughs hysterically then stops) Okay, bad news is that the explosion burned off all your hair permanently. (gives Anthony a mirror)

(Anthony takes off the towel, sees that he's bald, and screams)

Anthony: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

At Bangs

(Anthony works as a janitor)

boss: Hey Anthony, could you stop beside my office? (Goes to his ofice)

(Anthony goes to the office)

At the office

boss: (talking on the phone) You know, I just think being a hooker is always a valuable option. All right, talk to you later mom. (hangs up the phone and talks to Anthony) Yeah, I'm sorry but we're gonna have to let you go.

Anthony: It's because of my bald head, isn't it?

boss: It's just this restaurant's called Bangs for a reason. Even our janitors are expected to have the sexiest bangs in town.

Anthony: Oh I get it, you're a racist, aren't you?

(The comment startled his boss)

boss: Am not; I have...bald friends.

Anthony: Like who?!

boss: Ah, Vin Diesel, Shrek, uh Voldemort.

(Anthony sees that his boss is looking at the DVD cases)

Anthony: (Stands up) I HOPE YOU GET HERPES!

boss: Too late, bitch.

(Anthony runs away)

boss: (picks up the phone) Hi mom, you still there?


 * *Hair Ballad



I've been unlucky in love

and so disenchanted

I screwed it all up

and took you for granted

Hair...I wish you never were not there.

Can't get a job and nobody loves me

Used to have friends, but now I'm so lonely

Hair...I hope you know that I still care.

Hair, you make me feel so complete

If you'd come back, I'd grow you down to my feet

Even fat girls won't look at me on the street

I swear...I'd do it all for some more hair

Motorists beware

'cause I might blind you with my glare

Life's so unfair

I really miss my sweet ass hair

I don't mean my "ass hair"

I should've put a hyphen there...

After Hair Ballad in the house

(Anthony talks to Ian)

Anthony: At least you're still my friend, right?

Ian: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(The doctor comes in)

doctor: Oops, you actually do have herpes. (laughs hysterically and leaves)

narrator: Will Anthony get his hair back? Will Ian and Anthony remain BFF's despite Anthony's deformity? Will Ian ever learn to brush his teeth? Find out the answers to all these questions, except for the last one 'cause Ian's an idiot next week!

Alternate Scene
(At Bangs)

boss: I have...bald friends.

Anthony: Like who?!

boss: Your mom.

Deleted Clip
(In the house before Anthony became bald)

Ian: (slow motion)...when you shoot a red barrel it explodes.

Anthony: (slow motion) What?! Why?!

Ian: (slow motion) Well duh idiot, it's like that in every video game.