THE WITCHER 3

THE WITCHER 3 is the 52nd Honest Game Trailer.

Transcript
From the studio who sounds like they picked three random words out of a hat comes a franchise based on the books you never read a sequel to the game you never played and a follow-up to the game you heard was really really good and scramble to finish before this one came out. Come on – you know you did.

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

Journey to an overwhelmingly vast and polish land where Gerald is Geralt, Jennifer is Yennefer and the locals are covered in charming Eastern European prison tattoos.

Become a Witcher, which is confusingly different from being a witch or witch hunter but is basically just a fancy Orkin-Man.

Geralt while in Novigrad: "A professional monster slayer in the world's largest city, looking for rat shit. Geez."

Thrill as you haggle with their poor villagers over how much it will cost to safe them from unspeakable horrors. Then rob their crumbling shanties blind once they paid up.

Woohoo, goat hide! *Geralt finds Goat Hide in the game*

It's the second most dangerous profession in the kingdom. Right behind bouncer trying to keep you from entering a building.

Bouncer: "Cock a doodle do, what am I to do? Shit myself?"

Geralt: "All right." *Geralt slaughters them afterwards*

Take control of Geralt a whirling dance of death while in combat and an impossible to control spaz when you trying to open a chest or pick some flowers. Use his finely tuned Witcher senses to locate stuff you could easily find with your normal senses. Like bloodstains, dead bodies and shoes. Just take your mini-map, dude.

Get ready for the monster-hunter-game Capcom wishes they made as you take down griffins, trolls and wraiths in epic fun-to-play battles. After hours of tedious potion, oil and spell preparation. That's as fun as making lightsaber noises at a spreadsheet.

Set out on an epic quest to safe Ciri, a princess who is always in another castle. Full of though moral choices that will result in innocent deaths no matter which option you pick. Like Game of Thrones ever were choose your own adventure book. Then completely ignore the main quest as you take on more pressing matters like escorting a goat, snowball fights and helping an old woman find her missing pan.

Old Woman: "Found the pan, have ye?"

Damn it. I'm a Witcher; not a panner! Stop wasting my time!

But it will all be worth it when you finally take on the Swedish death metal album art known as the Wild Hunt. In an ending so final in its endingness, gamers will unanimously agree that's totally how the game ends... Yeah.. Ah we haven't been there either.

Eskel (a Witcher): "Summon the bitches!"

Role play as a man who is not just a freak but also a super freak. *plays Super Freak from Rick James*

As the latest installment of this X-rated dating Sim doesn't disappoint. Full of bewbs! Bewbs! BEWBS! And dangly old water hag bewbs. Kill it! Kill it with Igni!

The developer heard you liked games so they put a game in your game so you could game while you game with Gwent, a card game featuring images of characters from the game you're currently playing outside of that card game. Gameception. *plays Inception horn sound effect*

So dive into a franchise whose biggest flaw is having to quit your job or drop out of school to experience it all. From the real-time beard growth to the beautifully rendered areolis to the stunning vistas that will absolutely take your breath aw... *Geralt falls down a cliff and dies* Oh no... I haven't saved in like four hours.

Starring: The Glitcher, Trisstan Dunst, Yennifer Love Hewitt, Robert Baratheon, Ciriously where the f!@k did you go?!!, Sauron and The View

The Guy With Two Swords 3: Helen Hunt

Anyone else notice that Roach is pretty much a teleporting demon horse? Uaahh!