Attention: Facebook Users/Script

ANTHONY I'm so bored... I know! I'm gonna post a pointless status update on Facebook!

IAN

Stop!

Anthony freezes while Ian continues.

IAN

Hi. If you're watching this video, it's likely that someone has sent this to you for a very specific reason. You see, Facebook is a great way to let your friends and family know what's going on in your life.

[Someone off-screen helps Ian put a sweater on.] 

But sometimes, you just need to shut the f*** up!

Cut to the foyer, with Ian now wearing a red sweater over his new sweater.

IAN

Ladies, please stop posting vague status updates that are obviously directed at one person,

[someone helps Ian put a blue coat on]

and yet are somehow supposed to solicit our sympathy and giveaf***ness.

Ian points to a woman in a bikini holding a sign, which is read by a narrator.

NARRATOR

Giveaf***ness: The act of giving a f*** over a certain subject.

Ian is now wearing 7 sweatshirts plus his blue shirt.

IAN

Here's a few examples of these posts.

''Transition to outside, where Chrissa (Anthony) runs to the front of the house, crying. She gets out her phone.''

CHRISSA: [typing]

Wow thanks A LOT for that thing you did. I'm NEVER talking to you again!!!

[runs off]                                                            Nyeh, I'm a whiny bitch!

''Cut back to the living room. Ian is no longer wearing any coats.''

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian

<p style="text-align:center;">Giveaf***ness level: zero. Now how about this one?

Transition to Arielle (Anthony) in her room, on her computer.

<p style="text-align:center;">Arielle: [typing]

<p style="text-align:center;">Brad told me all about that thing you did at summer camp. WOW skank much?

Cut back to the living room.

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian

<p style="text-align:center;">That's great that whoever you're talking about did something at someplace [puts a towel on Anthony] and that this Brad guy told you about it. But honestly, no one on your friends list gives a f***! Oh, but this one's my favorite!

Transition to Jessica (Anthony), crying.

Jessica: [typing] NEVER AGAIN...

Cut to the foyer.

Ian: If you still aren't following where I'm getting at, here's a pie chart representing girls' status updates on my feed. [points to a blue section] This tiny sliver represents how often I give a f*** about a girl's status update. But girls aren't the only ones that should shut the f*** up. Guys should also know when to STFU.

Cut back to living room with Anthony, who now has a plate of spaghetti on his head.

Ian: Guys, perhaps before you post, take a step back. [starts gathering spaghetti with a fork] Ask yourself, "Is this something that I really wanna be telling everyone?" Or rather, [eats spaghetti] imagine you're sitting in front of your mom, and you're telling her what you're about to post. Here's an example using a real post someone made.

''Transition to the bathroom. Victor (Anthony) is sitting on the toilet in front of his mother.''

Victor: [monotone] So I woke up super-glued to the toilet seat. And the toilet was filled with poop. I mean FILLED, like 10 people just decided not to flush. I started gagging so I flushed the toilet... and then it started overflowing with me still glued to the seat. So there I was, glued to the toilet and being hit with wave after wave of other people's poop.

''A beat ensues. Victor's mom throws up.''

Cut back to living room with Anthony, who now has a variety of objects all over him.

Ian: Okay, never mind, that was pretty awesome. Guys, keep posting that stuff! But ladies, please... SHUT THE F*** UP!

Credits
Ian: To see deleted scenes, and bloopers, click the link in the description below!

Anthony: Broccoli. (laughter)

Ian: Thanks for subscribing! Now I'm gonna go post a pointless status update on Facebook! *BANG* AUGH! Never mind...

Epilogue
Ian: And unfreeze.

Anthony: [notices the stuff on him] AAAAAHHHHH!!!!