GUYS' GUIDE TO HUGGING GUYS/Script

Introduction
In the house

Anthony: Well, thanks for coming over, guys. It was fun.

John: Yep. Sure was.

Anthony: Bye. (hugs John) Later, John. And, uh, it was great meeting you, Barry. (talks in his thoughts) Aw, crap: Is he going for a handshake or a hug? Did he see me hug John and just think I'm one of those guys that hugs everyone? I mean, I just met this guy. I should reach out for a handshake before it's too late. Wait, he's raising two hands; he's going for a hug. Okay, I'll just hug. No wait; it's a handshake! (accidentally punches Harry and talks out loud) I'm sorry; I thought... (runs away while screaming)

Pat: (pauses the video) Has something like this happened to you? Don't worry; I'm here to help.

Deleted Scene
Anthony: And uh, it was great meeting you Barry.

Harry: It's Harry.

Anthony: (stretches his shirt) What is?

Harry: My name is Harry.

Anthony: (exhales heavily) Oh, oh, alright man. Well, thanks man. (tries to hug Harry) Um.

The Guide
Pat: Aside from morning wood, hugging can be the most stressful and confusing thing a man will face on a daily basis. But with my helpful tips, your awkward insists of hugging will be a thing of the past.

narrator: (talks as the words pop up to the screen) THE GUYS' GUIDE TO HUGGING GUYS!

Pat: The first thing to keep in mind is to only guys that you are close friends with. Three easy ways to know if your friends with a guy are if you fought over the last potato chip,

In the house

(Anthony and Ian fights over the last potato chip)

Anthony: You just take it.

Ian: No, you take it.

Anthony: Why won't we just split it? (shoots a laser from his watch onto the chip)

Pat: If you've accidentally worn the same shirt,

Outside the house

(Anthony and Ian bump into each other wearing the same Minion shirt)

Anthony and Ian: (While pointing at each other's shirt) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ian: Yeah, that's my shirt you're wearin.

Pat: or if you've mistakenly seen his penis...

(Ian walks out of the shower with nothing on except towels on his shoulders and head)

Anthony: (walks in and sees Ian's penis) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Pat: Twice.

(Ian's standing in front of Anthony swinging his hips while wearing no pants)

Ian: I told you I can do the helicopter!

Pat: Another thing to remember is always minimize your hugging duration. When two men hug, there should never be any hang time between full embrace and departure. If you linger, you may make things a little uncomfortable.

(Barry whines as Anthony has been hugging him for 4 minutes straight)

Pat: But don't forget about those hands. When you pat a man's back during a hug, you're telling him, "You're a good friend, but don't get the wrong idea, Slim." When you hold your hands solidly, you're telling him, "You're a really good friend, and I know we aren't attracted to each other at all." When you grasp onto his flesh and/or buttocks, you're telling him, "F*** ME! F*** ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!" Most of your straight friends will not appreciate that.

Barry: (In a whiney voice) I wanna go home!

Pat: And depending on how ugly you are, some of your gay friends may not even like it.

(this time, Anthony is hugging Fabian)

Fabian: (struggles out of the hug) Ew, keep dreaming bitch!

Pat: Now that you've learned how to properly hug your guy friends, here are some hugs you should never perform.

The side hug
(Anthony hugs Ian from the side)

The gap hug (Only acceptable if you have a boner)
(Anthony bends forward from a few feet away to hug Ian)

The Spider-Man hug
(Anthony, while hanging upside down in a Spiderman costume, hugs Ian)

The Manspider hug
(Anthony, in his Manspider costume, jumps out, causing Ian to scream and run away)

The leg hug
(Anthony hugs Ian's leg while Ian is trying to walk)

The butt hug
(Anthony bumps into Ian's butt with his own)

Pat: And finally, never hug naked. Allow me to demonstrate. (Two students remove Pat's robe, which was the only piece of clothing he was wearing. He then proceeds to hug Anthony)

Anthony: MOLESTER!!!!!!

Pat: Oh, crap! (runs as sirens start sounding)

In jail

Pat: (Now wearing prison clothes and laying down) Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time for guys' guide to spooning guys. (Shows him spooning with his cell mate) Bye!

Cell mate: Shut up!

Pat: Okay, T-Bone.

Cell mate: It's daddy!

Pat: Okay, big daddy.

(Cell mate grows a seductive smile)

Deleted Scene
Pat: Hugging girls is pretty much acceptable in all cases. If a girl doesn't wanna hug you, it can only mean one of three things.

1. You're a creep.

2. You smell.

3. She's just a f***ing bitch.