MARI THE MINECRAFT NOOB/Transcript

Note: This is a work in progress.

Transcript
[The episode starts with a blank screen, then reveals white letters reading "Dawn of the First Episode", under it saying "-5 Days Remain-".]

Jon Bailey: Five days remain.

Intro.

Mari: Hey guys; welcome to this week's episode of Super Mari Minecraft Time (whaat?) Okay, so I know we haven't done, like, any Minecraft; maybe, like, one Minecraft video on Smosh Games, but I thought I would, y'know, change the mold a little bit. Let me know what you think; I... need your guys' help as much as possible because I don't know what the f*ck I'm doing! Let's try it out, and see what's goin' on!

[Screen switches to Minecraft, with Mari in the corner.]

Alright, so I've made a new world; it's called ButtParty, because... ButtParty? I don't create worlds very often, okay, so ButtParty it is.

[Screen switches to Mari spawning in snow-covered forest].

Oh, god, it's snowing! It's snowing, and I got a little hand knob for a hand.

[Proceeds to punch out snow and dirt.]

Alright, let's get rid of this snow, and I'm getting- I'm getting stuff! [starts punching out tree] Can I have- can I haz you? [gets tree block] Yes, I can haz you! [starts punching tree blocks upward, chuckling] I love when you take tree trunks, then the rest of the tree just floats, because real life is like that!

I have ten tree parts, I gotta hurry. [suddenly surprised] Oh, cool! This is sweet! I gotta figure out where I'm gonna create my house. Actually, I don't want a house, I want a f*cking castle. [proceeds to punch away tree leaves] Alright, let's get rid of all these trees and all this sh*t. [refers to leaves] Get out o' here. Get out o' here! You get out o' here, too! F*ck you, tree. F*ck you, get out o' here! Crazy tree...

I should probably build something at this point. So... [''opens crafting table menu] Alright, I need to craft some sh*t, but... [toggles through wood items while making popping noises] I don't seem to have the correct trees to do this...''

[sees pig over a pile of dirt too tall to jump over] Oh, oh, there's a pig! Ah! [goes around] Where'd you g- [sees pig and heads toward it| high pitched] Oh, there you are! There you are, pig! C'mere, little piggy! Hi! [punches pig several times] Hi! Hi! Hi, could I- let me hurt you, I want some bacon!

[Cutoff: Guy in blue shirt holds up a bacon, saying" BAC-ON".]

I'm gonna set up a mansion, [fakes a British accent] a mansion, do you here that? A mansion, 'cause I'm a fancy person, so I need a mansion. Winter, is here. It has come, and winter is here. Winter's not coming, winter is here. [sighs] So... [places crafting table|in British accent] Place this here... and we'll make stuff here... [opens crafting table menu|in normal voice] let's make a little pickaxe, how about a little- a little shovel? Ah, so adorable!

[chops dirt with pickaxe despite having shovel, notices sunset on the horizon.] Oh, sh*t, is that the sun going down? Oh my god... Oh, sh*t, I need to build stuff, like, now or I'm gonna f*cking die. I have nothing for fire! Oh, sh*t! This is bad...

[created a six by eight dirt foundation] Okay, maybe I made this place a little bit too big for right now. I think it's a little bit too big. [gets darker, bit manages to spot mobs] Oh my god, I can't see shi- oh, no, oh, no, there's stuff! Oh, sh*t, oh sh*t, there's people! [proceeds to build walls around herself] What is this peaceful-ass f*cking music? It's not a peaceful time right now... oh! Oh my god... [drops dirt block] Come back to me... [sees mob and places dirt block in front of her|high-pitched] Eeh! There's something down there, don't you see it?!

Oh, sh*t; I'm just gonna hide out here... [sees spider near beach] Oh my god, there's a spider out there! Oh my god. All I have is a f*cking shovel! [hears zombie growl] Oh, f*ck, did you hear that sh*t? Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. I hear something! Can they come in here? Where the f*ck is it, I can't see sh*t! Goddammit, this is turning into f*cking Outlast. I am freaking out, man!

[higher off ground|proud voice] Ha ha, you cannot get me, I am so high up! [hears mob noise, gets scared again] Oh my god, there it is, there it is, again, right there... AH, there's another one right there. [notices light on horizon] Oh, look it, it's daytime! Sun's comin' up! I'm gonna survive a night! Hell yes, okay, alright, I'm gonna use my time a little bit more efficiently this time [mines out of dirt shelter, sees zombie a few blocks away] Oh my god! Oh, f*ck, why are you still out?! [sees another zombie on fire] Ah, that one's on fire! Why- oh, 'cause the sun!

Alright, I'm gonna go out, and venture out, and find some stuff. [sees chicken behind some trees] Oh, that's a chicken! Alright, I need to eat something, so, that chicken's gonna die...

[to chicken] Hiii, I'm not gonna hurt you, [kills chicken] just kidding, I'm gonna f*cking hurt all of you guys. [moves on to cow, switches to third-person view] Oh, c'mere, c'mere, f*cking meat!

Text on bottom: That's what she said

Mari: Ah, sorry! Alright, I'm gonna consume you. [while eating raw meat] Yum yum yum yum yum! Aye, yum yum yum yum yum yum! [notices two pigs near foot of a snowy hill] There's two bacons running around. [kills pig with shovel] C'mere, bacons! I'm gonna get you, little bacon, you're mine now!

Uh, think, Mari, you need some... f*cking iron? Alright, I'm gonna try mining downwards; maybe there's iron down here?

[singing while mining stone] I'm a stone man! Is that a real song? I think I just made it up. Alright, I'm getting a bunch of... stone!

[Out of hole as the sky is darkening] Oh sh*t, it's getting freaking dark again?! This sucks...