IF VIDEO GAMES WERE REAL 3/Script

This is the script for IF VIDEO GAMES WERE REAL 3.

Shut Up! Opening
(The Pac-man sound effect can be heard.)

Ian Hecox: SHUT UP!

Introduction
(In the living room, Anthony Padilla is playing Super Mario 3D World while Ian Hecox is observing him play.)

(Mario proceeds to jump twice while making a cat noise.)

Ian Hecox (IH): This game is so unrealistic. Nobody with a cat outfit would have cat powers.

Anthony Padilla (AP): How would you know? Have you ever tried it?

IH (somehow in a catsuit suddenly): Uh yeah.

AP: Whatever. Video games would still suck if they were realistic.

Portal
Nerd (Anthony Padilla): (programs the Portal Gun, shoots two sides of the wall and then scratches his butt) Ah, I'm such a genius.

Mass Effect
Ashley (unknown actress): Commander Shepard, we have to act fast; the Reapers are coming. What should we do?

Shepard (Anthony Padilla): (tries to choose between saving the galaxy and banging Ashley; he chooses to bang her) We'll bang, okay?

Qwop
(The runner, Anthony Padilla, runs like a buffoon on the sidewalk while breathing hesitantly.)

FarmVille
IH: (plows dirt) Okay seriously, how the f**k is this a video game?

Call of Duty: Ghosts
(Two soldiers (Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox) are shooting away.)

Soldier 1 (AP): Shoot the bad guys!

Soldier 2 (IH): Yeah!

Battlefield 4
(Both soldiers are still shooting their guns.)

Soldier 1: Keep shooting the bad guys!

Soldier 2: No shame!

Medal of Honor
(Both soldiers are still shooting their guns.)

Killzone
(Both soldiers are still shooting their guns.)

===Red Faction: Armageddon, Frontlines: Fuel of War, Operation Flashpoint: Cold War Crisis, Resistance: Burning Skies, Far Cry, Doom, Counter-Strike, Wolfenstein, Quake, Arma 2: Operation Arrowhead, Titanfall & Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6: Patriots, Wii Fit U=== (Both soldiers are still shooting their guns when the second soldier stops shooting before stopping his comrade from shooting.)

Soldier 2: Hey, can we do anything other than shoot bad guys?

Soldier 1: Hmm, nope!

(The first soldier then resumes firing with the second soldier following suit.)

Mortal Kombat
(Sub-Zero (Ian Hecox) kicks Scorpion (Anthony Padilla) until his health is drained all the way.)

Announcer: FINISH HIM!

(Sub-Zero tries to rip Scorpion's head off, but struggles and fails to do so.)

Scorpion: What are you doing?

Sub-Zero: You know I 'm trying to tear your head off, but it's a lot harder than it looks!

Scorpion: Can you just hurry up? I'm starting to get dizzy.

Sub-Zero: Okay, sorry bro. (tries to tear Scorpion's head, but still fails to do so and gives up) Augh screw it! Let's just go look at Kitana's boobs.

Scorpion: Okay!

(Both Sub-Zero and Scorpion then sneak behind Kitana and look at her boobs.)

Sub-Zero: Boobies.

(Not feeling pleased with them, Kitana punches Sub-Zero and Scorpion, knocking them out.)

Announcer: BOOBTALITY!

Super Meat Boy
(a raw ground meat patty on a plate is shown on the table)

Slender
Player (Ian Hecox): Why didn't I just wait until daytime to look for some stupid pages?

(Sensing something behind him, the player turned to see Slenderman. He naturally freaks out and runs.)

Slenderman (sad): I just wanted to be your friend!

Deleted Scene
(Seeing Slenderman, the player naturally freaks out and runs.)

Slenderman (sad): I just wanted to be your friend!

Shepard: (appears by Slenderman) We'll bang, okay?

(Slenderman gives a thumbs up.)

Shepard: We're gonna go bang.

Minecraft
(A player (Anthony Padilla) is attempting to break down a brick wall with a diamond pickaxe when he is approached by another player (Ian Hecox).)

Second player: Okay, so our 100-foot recreation of Slave Leia's boobies is almost complete! All we need now is a daylight sensor!

First player: Okay! But, can you tell me how to craft it?

Second player: Uhuh, yeah! (ducks down) Just let me check the Wiki. (grabs his laptop)

First player: Hurry up, it's getting dark! I don't want these freaking zombie creeps!

Second player: Oh, here it is! Uh, we need a wood.

First player: Oh okay, like what kind of wood? Like a stick or a block?

Second player: No, it goes across three blocks.

First player: Yeah, that's called a stick.

Second player: No, it's not a stick! Okay, I know a stick.

First player: YOU KNOW WHAT? (throws away the pickaxe) F**K THIS! (walks away)

Second player: (types in his laptop) How to craft girlfriend.

Surgeon Simulator 2013
(The surgeon (Anthony Padilla) touches the patient's (Ian Hecox) face)

Patient: Dude, what the hell? Are you drunk or something?

Surgeon: Trust me, I'm a surgeon.

Patient: Put the mask... (his voice is muffled after the mask is on and he soon falls asleep)

Surgeon: (grabs a power tool, shows off his middle finger to him, and grabs a hand saw) Okay, so I'm gonna make a small incision right (slips and accidentally kills the patient) Oh. My bad bro.

Plants Vs. Zombies
(The zombies start walking towards the homeowner (Ian Hecox).)

Homeowner: Time to bust out my secret weapon! (throws a plant at one of the zombies who briefly pause before speeding up their assault on him) Ah s**t! (screams while being attacked by the zombies)

Donkey Kong (Deleted)
Cranky Kong (Ian Hecox): Eat barrel Mario! (rolls two barrels close to Mario)

Mario (Anthony Padilla): (jumps over the two barrels) Wait, why don't I just walk around them?

Cranky Kong: Ah sh*t, he figured it out!

Ending
IH: Yeah I guess that would...

AP: ...suck?

IH: How did you know what I was going to say?

AP: 'Cause you always say the same goddamn thing.

(Suddenly, Ian's phone makes a noise, reminding him that he needs to go.)

IH: Oh crap. Um, I have to run dude. I-I have choir practice. (stands up)

AP: Yeah. Okay dude, we all know "choir practice" just means going poop in the McDonald's bathroom.

IH: It just feels better, okay?! (runs out of the house)

(Later on outside in the neighborhood.)

IH: I'm a grown-ass man. I can McPoop wherever I McWant, Mcbitch! (bumps into Shepard)

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

IH: What?

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

Ian: No, no no no! I don't wanna bang, okay?! (runs away) No no no! (sees a "wall") Uh? (looks at his paws and sticks one of them towards the wall) No way! (puts the other paw on the wall and thinks that he's climbing) Oh! Ha ha, try to bang me now, bitch! (laughs as he's actually seen crawling on the ground) Idiot! (sees Shepard lying down on the ground)

Shepard: We'll bang, okay?

(Ian screams as he fears the worst.)

Sponsor segment
Unknown voice: This video was made possible by this show's only (inaudible sound). Give 'em lots of love, yeah!

Epilogue
Shepard: (fires a fake gun) We just banged, okay?

IH: Oh, that wasn't so bad.

Subscription ending
AP: To see bloopers, (Shows scene from the blooper video of the two soldiers screaming.), and a deleted Donkey Kong scene...

Cranky Kong (from blooper video): Eat barrel, Mario!

(Mario yells as he jumped to avoid the barrels.)

AP: Brutally rip the spine out of the video on the left! To see more If Video Games Were Real episodes...

Homeowner (Anthony Padilla)(from If Video Games Were Real) Hey, what the hell are you doing with my stuff?!

Link (Ian Hecox): I'm looking for rupees! (resumes destroying the homeowner's properties while grunting.)

AP: Oh, look! A subscribe button! You'd better click it till its...face melts off and...blood squirts out of...its ears. And other brutal Mortal Kombat stuff like that.