CANDY CRUSH SAGA (Honest Game Trailers)

Candy Crush Saga is the seventh honest trailer.

Script
(Many requests appear for other trailers)

We're working on all of those, but before we get to the games you've been asking for, here's the one you won't admit you've played.

From every stay-at-home mom's favorite game company (King) comes a mindless, shallow piece of entertainment that makes you dumber just for being exposed to it. It's basically the Kardashian of video games.

Kim Kardashian: I wasted everyone's time and you know I wasted everyone's money.

Candy Crush Saga.

Prepare for another unoriginal, color-matching game that combines the random chance of a slot machine with the swipe based action of Tinder.

Enjoy colors, music, and sound effects that are so soothing, you'll forget whatever deep, personal sadness got you to try the game in the first place with fun modes like get rid of the jelly, drop the ingredients, and clear the board in fewer moves than a breakdancing white guy.

Suffer through a game that goes from pants-poopingly easy to phone-smashingly impossible where you'll learn to rage at things that you never expected to like chocolate, corners, and the game attempting to help you. No, I am not doing that move! Are you trying to destroy me?!

People taking a dump everywhere can't get enough of the app that is as addictive as crack, but far less rewarding where the first taste is free, then it shakes you down like an angry mafia goon with options like paying to unlock new levels, paying for power ups, paying to make more moves, paying for more lives, and paying for the ability to pay for more lives. But if you're poor, impatient, and born with no sense of shame, link Candy Crush to your Facebook account and beg your real life friends for help. (The narrator doesn't choose to help his friends) No, and no.

It's not just the game that's evil. Play with the full knowledge that you're supporting King digital, the EA of casual gaming. Cringe as they earn nearly a million dollars a day which they spend on stealing games from other developers, suing the same developers they stole from, and applying to trademark the words "candy" and "saga" despite all of the other video games that use them. (Bullet Candy, Candy and Clyde, Christmas Adventure: Candy Storm, Dizzy's Candy Quest, Unbound Saga, Ninja Saga, The Banner Saga, Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga, Warcraft II: The Dark Saga, and Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga are shown as examples) Seriously, f**k off!

Starring Ginger Wonka (Mr. Toffee), future eating disorder (Tiffi), piss dragon (Lemonade Dragon), guilt trips (Crying lives), and diabetes (Candies). And also starring game ideas King stole from: Columns, Bejeweled, Yoshi's Cookie, Candyland, and the 2010 Facebook and mobile game, Candy Swipe, you plagiarizing assholes. Candy Crush Suga.

You know you can just change the date on your phone to get more lives, right? So you never have to stop playing. Oh, man, I-I think I have a problem."