EVIL FORTUNE COOKIE!/Script

Int - house
(Ian and Anthony were eating Chinese food when Ian opens a fortune cookie)

ANTHONY

That's not how you open a fortune cookie. (takes out a knife) This is! HYAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (breaks fortune cookie with knife)

IAN

Dude, that's dangerous!

ANTHONY

Danger's my middle name!

(Anthony turns at the sound of the doorknob and in comes a guy with an eyepatch)

EYEPATCH GUY

Gimme all your milk!

ANTHONY

Who the hell are you?

Eyepatch Guy: (Sniffs Anthony) I can smell the milk! Tell me where it is!

Anthony: It's over there in the fridge.

Eyepatch Guy: Thank you darling. (Kisses Anthony, goes to the fridge to get the milk) Oh milk. (Starts chugging on the milk bottle as he leaves)

Ian: That was pretty weird.

Anthony: Which part, the fact that some guy just stole our milk or the fact that he kissed me?

Ian: No, my fortune predicted that I'd meet a guy with an eyepatch.

The next day
Anthony: So is your fortune cookie gonna predict the future again?

Ian: Yeah, that was pretty firetruckin' weird, right? (Ian opens his fortune cookie when he looks at the fortune intently)

Anthony: What does it say?

Ian: Get the shovel!

Outside
Anthony: (digging) There is nothing here man, I feel like an idiot!

Ian: Oh look! (picks up treasure chest) It looks like some sort of ancient language.

(Anthony turns the chest so the glitter message reads BLACKBEARD'S SECRET TREASURE)

Ian: Oh sweet! (opens the chest to find various jewlery and one big diamond ring inside)

Anthony: My god dude, we're gonna be rich!

Ian and Anthony: Yeah! (high five)

The next day
(Ian hurriedly eats all his noodles)

Anthony: Come on!

(Ian finishes and opens the fortune cookie)

Anthony: What is it?

Ian: It... says that... you and I... get married.

Anthony: Wait, like I- like I marry you?

Ian: How is this possible?

Anthony: It's not!

Ian: But the other two fortunes were correct. I'm not gay, are you?

Anthony: You kidding?

Ian: So... that's a yes?

Anthony: No! Jesus, Ian, it's just a stupid fortune cookie! Just forget about it!

Ian: No Anthony, you don't understand! It's fortelling a prophecy! There's no way around it. What if... what if this is all... meant to be? (starts taking off a ring) Anthony Danger Padilla... (presents ring) Will you marry me?

Anthony: (shakes his head) You need help. (leaves)

Ian: Fine! I would have just divorced you anyway! (throws ring on the table) Men!

(a camera is revealed hidden in a plant filming Ian crying)

In another room
Ian's Mom: Dammit! Our plan has failed! How are we gonna make money off that website now? I knew we shouldn't have paid for that billboard.

(The scene then shows the billboard advertising IanAndAnthonyAreGay.com)