STAR FOX ZERO (Honest Game Trailers)

Star Fox Zero is the 96th Honest Game Trailer.

Script
From the publishers that devour your nostalgia to sustain their shambling husk (Nintendo) and the developers of flashy action games about edgy weirdos (PlatinumGames) comes the final nail in the coffin for a beloved franchise: Star Fox Zero.

Guide your Arwing through the intergalactic petting zoo of Star Fox Zero and awkwardly shoot your way through a space war between dogs and monkeys, where you'll solve the interstellar conflict and reunite with your ghost dad by shooting things in their glowy bits until they explode. War, war never changes.

Strap on the Dragon Ball Z scouter of Fox McCloud, ace pilot of Star Fox, and join up with his crew of fellow space-faring furries, featuring Falco Lombardi, your literal wingman; Slippy Toad, the ace mechanic who you'll be tempted to leave to his death on multiple occasions; and Peppy Hare, the old mentor who will never let you forget that you have a dead father (Peppy: You're becoming more like your father.), to take out a giant floating space monkey head (Andross) who's pulling the strings from behind a series of wormholes, in an adventure that could have only come from mixing animal crackers, Top Gun, and Ambien.

Go back in time to a Star Fox experience so old school, it's practically identical to the games from the '90s, as Nintendo brings back all of the things that you can't remember if you loved or not from the original games, like the same levels, the same enemies, the same bosses, the same space harrier-ass gameplay, the same branching level structure, the same story from Star Fox 64, and that same drunk guy that says "Good luck", as the nostalgia is piled on so heavily, you'll slip back into your childhood and find a place of pure youthful joy. At least I think that's what's supposed to happen? Did I mention this game kinda sucks?

Get ready to do a barrel roll over and over again, directly into a wall, as you struggle with a control scheme that was clearly designed for pod people, where you're constantly forced out of the classic third-person piloting action into clumsy first-person precision aiming on the gamepad, and you frantically shuffle from one view to another to do even the simplest of maneuvers, making simple dog fights and boss battles into frustrating struggles with your own lack of coordination, in a gameplay experience that's somehow even worse than playing Star Fox with an N64 controller. Seriously, if you're gonna screw with only one part of the formula, don't make it the one part that makes the game fun to play.

Take a break from awkwardly circling things you're trying to shoot in the air, to awkwardly circling things you're trying to shoot on the ground, as you make use of Zero's chicken walker mode to walk through terrible interior sections; blast enemies with a Landmaster tank, which is basically just another Arwing since it can fly now; or putter around in the Gyrocopter, a vehicle so boring that it feels like you're being punished as you creep your way through a tedious stuff mission and an even more tedious hacking minigame, until the most difficult task of all becomes not hitting the power button and chucking your entire Wii U in the garbage.

So suit up in your snazzy white jacket, clip on your wolf tail, and prepare your expectations for a game so disappointing, the franchise may never be the same again. But, c'mon, at least you'll always have Final Destination, right?

Starring Furry Han Solo (Fox McCloud), Kind of an Asshole (Falco Lombardi), Useless (Slippy Toad), "Your Dad Died!" (Peppy Hare), Fur Fatale (Katt Monroe), Buster Wolf (Wolf O'Donnell), P-P-P-P-Porky Pig (Pigma Dengar), The Space Station Mojo Jojo (Andross), and Dead Ex Machina (James McCloud).

Star F!@ks Given: Zero.

Wait, Star Wolf's ships turn into wolves? I've rescued the solar system, what, like five times, and I don't get the dope wolf form?! Ugh, I am so done with this universe.