WTF! I'm Old!/Script

''' WTF! I'm Old! Script '''

Ian and Anthony stand outside a nightclub.

Ian: Dude, I bet there's gonna be hella hot girls and there, and all we have to do is just give 'em some drinks, and then they have to kiss us. It's like the economy of the bar.

Anthony: Do you believe everything you see on Jersey Shore?

Bouncer: Next.

Anthony shows the Bouncer his I.D.

Bouncer: Go ahead.

Ian shows the Bouncer his I.D.

Bouncer: Woah. I said he could come in here, not you. We don't let little kids in here.

Ian: Well, I'm old enough-

Bouncer: I don't think you heard me.

The Bouncer pulls out a banana.

Ian: What are you gonna do with that?

Bouncer: This

The Bouncer bitch-slaps Ian with the banana.

Ian: OW! Who the hell slaps someone in the face with a banana?!

Bouncer: I do, bitch! Now get out of here, both of y'all. Next.

'The scene switches to Ian attempting to do a puzzle in the Smosh House. He tries to bang two pieces into the wrong places in the puzzle. Anthony enters.'

Anthony: Hey, uh, you know how you couldn't get into the bar earlier because you look like you're ten years old?

Ian: ....Yeah.

Anthony: Well I got this experimental stuff here that's supposed to make you look older when you drink it.

Ian grabs the bottle, drinking all of it.

Anthony: No dude, not the whole thing!

Ian: Oh, oh god! It feels like a midgets inside me punching my uterus!

'Ian runs away in pain as Anthony shakes his head. Ian runs to lay down on his bed. He pulls a blanket over himself and kisses his Pikachu pillow. The camera fades to black as Ian awakens the next morning. He gets up out of bed, and goes to the bathroom, where he turns on the light to reveal in the mirror that he's turned into an old man.'

Old Ian (excitedly): I'm old!! I'm old!! I'm old!! I'm old!!

'Old Ian enters to kitchen, where is mom is drying a plate. '

Old Ian: Bye ma, I'm going to a bar.

Mom: Ian, you know I don't like- who are you and why are you wearing my son's clothes?!?

Old Ian: Mom, it's me!

Ian's mom runs at him with a knife.

Mom: You molested my son, molester, molester!

Old Ian: No, mom, mom!

'Ian runs out of the house. Text appears on screen, reading "Later that evening...". Old Ian and Anthony stand outside a bar.'

Bouncer: Next.

He nods to Anthony.

Bouncer: Alright, go ahead.

He stops Old Ian.

Bouncer: Hey, wait a minute, you look familiar...

Old Ian: Perhaps this will jog your memory-

'Old Ian whips out a banana from his pocket. He bitch-slaps the Bouncer with the banana.'

Old Ian: How does that feel, BITCH?!

Bouncer (sniffling): Not good.

'Old Ian and Anthony enter the bar in slow motion. Anthony dramatically pulls off sunglasses he was not previously wearing. Old Ian throws the banana to the side.'

Old Ian: Oh, what the hell?

'A panning shot reveals that the bar is mostly empty, besides a very drunk man asleep at the counter. '

Old Ian: I wanted to kiss girls! This is nothing like Jersey Shore! Shit!

Anthony: Well, here comes some ladies now.

'Ian's Mom and two others stand in the doorway. One brandises an axe, the other a crowbar, and Ian's mom holds an oar. '

Mom: That's him, that's that man that moo-lested my son. Let's kick his butt!

Man: Let's break his legs.

Woman: Let's reach our hands down his throat and pull out his intestines, and wrap them around his neck, and strange him! (Evil Laugher)

Mom: ....Let's just kick his butt.

Woman: Fine.

'The three begin to corner Old Ian and Anthony. Anthony runs as the three begin to grow closer to Old Ian, who is frozen in fear. Text appears on screen, reading "The next day...". Ian sits in a doctor's office with his head bandaged.'

Doctor: I'm sorry Ian, but the beating has left your face severely deformed. You may puke the first time you see your face. I know I sure did the first couple of times. Let's get those bandages off, okay?

'The doctor reaches forward to take off the bandages. He wretches as he takes the last one off, before handing a mirror to him.'

Doctor: I'm sorry Ian, but that's just something you're going to have to live with.

Ian: I look...DISGUSTING!

Doctor: Oh, and I've got this package here for you...

'The Bouncer emerges from the packages, and bitch-slaps Ian with the banana. He hits him so hard Ian's head flies off, bouncing onto the table. '

Bouncer: Payback, bitch!

Ian pulls down his sweater to reveal that it was a fake head the whole time.

Ian: HA! I was wearing a fake head the whole time!

He pauses to let it sink in.

Ian: BITCH.

'Full Video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbOe8nR76e4&t=1s WTF! I'm Old!]'