KINGDOM HEARTS (Honest Game Trailers)

Kingdom Hearts is the twenty-eighth Honest Game Trailer.

Script
(many requests for Kingdom Hearts appear one after the other)

Okay already!

From the Japanese company (Square Enix) who's dominated the culture by rehashing the same predictable formula for decades and its American equivalent (Disney) comes a mashup of franchises that goes together like soy sauce and ketchup... (tries the mashup) Mmm, not as bad as you think. Kingdom Hearts.

Journey across the Disney universe to track down Kingdom Hearts and defeat the evil Ansem who is not the real Ansem, but Xehanort's Heartless who is also named "Ansem". The real Ansem is named DiZ, but his apprentice, Xehanort, stole his identity after Master Xehanort forced his soul into the body of Terra. Who's Terra, you ask? Terra, along with Aqua and Ven, were originally tasked by Master Eraqus to defeat Master Xehanort. The real Ansem was actually a good guy. Once you beat Ansem who is Xehanort's Heartless, you have to fight Xemnas, Xehanort's Nobody. Nobodies are created when someone turns into a Heartless. They don't have feelings, except when they actually do. They want Hearts, so Xehanort, who is actually Terra-Xehanort, went back in time to find several copies of Xehanort. Also, Donald Duck is in it. (the Ta-Da noise from Microsoft Windows 3.1 is heard)

Your journey begins with Sora, a ten-year-old boy with enough zippers and belts to start his own bondage convention. Follow along on his quest to master the Keyblade, a weapon that looks stupid and impractical even by Final Fantasy standards. With only six living masters in the world, Sora's got some big shoes to fill... in addition to his actual gigantic shoes. Along for the ride are two of the most famous cartoon characters of all time. But don't worry if you forget everyone's name because they'll remind you every five seconds.

Roxas: Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

''Goofy: We're Sora, Donald, and Goofy. ''

Tron: Sora, Donald, Goofy...

Sora: I'm Sora, he's Donald, and that's Goofy.

Goofy: Sora!

''Sora: Goofy! Donald!''

Augh! I know already!

Fight side-by-side with Dolan and Gooby while visiting some of Disney's most beloved characters, and also Quasimodo, as you cross paths with the hot topic E versions of your favorite Final Fantasy heroes, and also Vivi, in these fun fast-paced action RPGs with great mechanics that are buried under nearly fourteen hours of cutscenes. We counted. (Total amount comes to 14:23:06)

Blast off into a game series with more padding than Kairi's training bra, from KHI's terrible space shooting segments to KHII's never-ending tutorial to reusing the exact same worlds over and over and over and over and over again. Wait, doesn't Disney own Pixar?! Where's Nemo World? Monsters Inc., any new?! Come on!

So while you wait patiently for Kingdom Hearts III to never come out, buy a minimum of four different consoles so you can play all of the HD ReMIXes, glorified cellphone games, and portable spinoffs that sound like they've been named by a random word generator because the only thing more powerful than darkness, light, and the Keyblade are greed, laziness and corporate sinergy.

Starring: Generic Anime Guys (Sora, Ventus, and Xion), Hatsune Riku, Disney spelled backwards (Yen Sid), American Pikachu (Mickey), SSJ Trunks (Cloud), Boys in da hood (Organization XIII), MC Hammer Pants (Aladdin), Aflac (Donald), Disney's Wolverine (Beast), Evil Adele (Ursula), GLaDOS (Master Control Program), a dog (Pluto), and also a dog (Goofy)? Huh, interesting. So one wears pants? Disney Infinity.

''Sephiroth: I am the chosen one! I shall be reborn!''

Where have I heard that voice before?

Lance Bass: You always kinda ask that question like, could he be gay?

No way!