If Texts Were Real/Texts

1
Lucas's Mom (Amanda Lehan-Canto): I went to the pet store today. It was fun pegging all the animals.

Lucas (Damien Haas): Mom, what?

Lucas's Mom: Sorry. I meant to say pegging all the animals.

Lucas: Yeah, mom. No, I hear you loud and clear.

Lucas's Mom: I meant to say that I went to the pet store and I pegged all the animals. Dance this auto correct.

2
Dave (Shayne Topp): Hey, are you free this Friday? We could do dinner and drinks.

not Kendra (Courtney Miller): Katrina helped me. This super weird guy just asked me out. How do I tell him that's the last thing I want to do and that I would literally rather die?

Dave: It's not Katrina. You accidentally sent this to me. It's Dave.

not Kendra: Oh, I am so sorry. That is so embarrassing.

Dave: It's totally cool. It's an accident.

not Kendra: Katrina, I just made things really weird between me and this super fucking creepy dude. What do I do?

Dave: Still not Katrina.

not Kendra: Shit.

Dave: Shit.

3
fashionnova.com ad (Courtney): Alert, bitch! Our big fucking 80% Off sale starts right now, girlie! What are you waiting for? Good to fashionnova.com or I'll hunt you down.

Christine (Amanda): No!

fashionnova.com ad: I'll hunt you down, I said!

4
Dave: Oh my God.

Joe Biden (Ian Hecox): Hi Dave. It's me, Joe Biden. All I'm asking for is a simple donation of $12.

Dave: Don't you have $12? You're the president. I'm a waiter.

Joe: Hey, Dave it's your old buddy, Joe Biden here. All I need is $12. Can you please help me?

Dave: You're not listening to me are you? Yeah, you're a robot.

Joe: Dave, Joe. It's old Papa Joe. I was vice president, now I'm president. Start from the bottom now we're here, am I right?

Dave: Yeah, no, that's definitely an automated response.

Joe: Error 502.

Dave: Yep.

Joe: This is the automated response.

Dave: Yep.

Joe: Press one to donate $12. This is Joe Biden. Have you seen my pants?

5
Lucas: The rash has spread.

not Kendra: New phone. Who dis?

Lucas: Kendra, this is Lucas. The rash you have given me has spread. It is everywhere! It is covering my back. It is on my legs. My body has been consumed by rash. My body belongs to the rash now.

not Kendra: Yeah, my name's not Kendra and you definitely have the wrong number.

Lucas: Oh. What do you know about getting rid of rashes? I'm asking for a friend, Kendra.

not Kendra: I'm not fucking Kendra.

Lucas: I'm not fucking Kendra either. How do you think I got this rash?

6
Dave: Maybe: Daeb. Hey, it's Daeb.

Christine: Who's Daeb?

Dave: Maybe: Dave.

Christine: Dave?

Dave: I meant to say Dave, sorry. It's Dave.

Christine: Oh...No...

Dave: How's it going?

(error)

Dave: Shit.

7
not Kendra: Happy Thanksgiving Turkey baddie. Or should I say spanks-giving you sexy little motherfucking Pilgrim. 🦃

Christine: Ow.

not Kendra: 🌽

Christine: Okay. That was a full corn.

not Kendra: 👅

Christine: Ew!

not Kendra: That turkey's not the only thing that should be getting stuffed tonight.

Christine: Oh my god.

not Kendra: 😉

Christine: Okay.

not Kendra: 🦃, again.

Christine: Glad you got the other beast. I totally got of a-

not Kendra: 🍑

Christine: That was a collarbone.

not Kendra: Send this to your top 12 Christines that you're most thankful for. Or else you won't have sex for 12 years.

Christine: Hey, you never called me back. Can I call you right now?

not Kendra: I currently have, "Do not disturb while driving," turned on. I'm not receiving notifications. Reply, "Urgent" to send a notification anyway, thus putting me in immediate danger.

Christine: Wow. Nevermind.

not Kendra: I currently have, "Do not disturb while driving," turned on. Please do not text-

Christine: 🦃

not Kendra: Ow!

Christine: Happy Thanksgiving, girlfriend.

8
Lucas's Mom: Grandma is very sick. LOL.

Lucas: No mom, LOL does not mean lots of love.

Lucas's Dad (Ian): And Grandpa's leaving her too. Sending her LOL.

Lucas: Don't send her LOL.

Lucas's Dad: I wrote, I heard about your illness and the divorce, IDC.

Lucas: IDC means I don't care.

Lucas's Dad: No, it means I did cry!

Lucas's Mom: IDC, grandma, LOL.

Lucas's Dad: 😭

Lucas's Mom: 😭

9
not Kendra: Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok. (TikTok link of a girl falling)

Christine: Ha, she fell. Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok. (TikTok link of a funny dance)

not Kendra: Oh my God, that's such a funny dance. Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok. (TikTok link of a divorce announcement)

Christine: Wait, my mom just told me my parents are getting divorced.

not Kendra: Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok. (Unknown TikTok link) Oh shit wait, what?

Christine: Yeah.

not Kendra: Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok. This one's really good, I promise. (TikTok link of a puppy)

Christine: Oh puppy.

10
Dave: I can't wait to hang out tonight.

not Kendra: Yeah, I'm so excited for our friends night. 💛😂

Dave: 😂❤️

not Kendra: Um....💅🍷

Dave: Ha? 🌹

not Kendra: Oh...

Dave: Ha? 🍆

not Kendra: Oh my God!

(not Kendra slaps her phone, causing an error)

Dave: Shit.

11
Christine: Ooh, you are so sexy!

Lucas: You are sexy!

Christine: Ooh, I wish we were at your place.

Lucas: Oh, yeah? What would we even do at my place?

In a different DM:

Christine's father (Shayne): This is Christine's father. If you contact her again, I'll kill you with my hands.

Lucas: 🏃

In a different DM:

Joe: Hey, Christine's father, it's Joe. All I'm asking for is a ride to the bus station.

Christine's father: Yeah, all right. Where are you?

Joe: I'm at my place. Come through?

Christine's father: Is that-

Joe: Bring McDonald's, I'm hungry.

Christine's father: Are we, is this like a thing? Or is this...

Joe: JFK once said we're going to the moon.

Christine's father: What? What the fuck are you talking about? 😂

Joe: 😂