If Kids Shows Were Real/Script

This is the Script of If Kids Shows Were Real.

To view the article for If Kids Shows Were Real, click here.

Script
(Ian and Anthony are watching Dora the Explorer.)

Dora: What was your favorite part?

Anthony: I like the part where Boots stole the burrito and ate it in the tree.

Dora: I like that part, too!

Ian: This show's so dumb. You do realize she can't actually hear you, right?

Anthony: Uh, yeah, but it's a freakin' kids show. Can you imagine how stupid it would be if kids shows were actually realistic?



 If Kids Shows Were Real

 Care Bears (Ian and Anthony are behind a fence, which contains a bear inside of it.)

Anthony: I need to talk to Cheer Bear. He'll know how to cheer me up.

Ian: Good luck.

(Anthony climbs the fence.)

Anthony: Cheer Bear!

(sounds of roars.)

Ian: ANTHONY! NO!

(Anthony's amputated arm hits the fence.)

 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Adam: I'm not gonna be the black ranger this time. I'm not.

 Blue's Clues Steve Burns: Okay, kids, let's see if we can find one of Blue's clues.

Blue: Bow, bow!

(Steve finds Blue's paw print on the rug.)

Steve Burns: Is that a clue?

Blue: Bow, bow, bow!

Steve Burns: Let's see.

(Steve realizes Blue uses wet paint when touching with his finger) 

Steve Burns: GODDAMMIT, BLUE, YOU GOT PAINT IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE!

Blue: Bow, bow!

Steve Burns: YOU BITCH!

(Burns kicks Blue, and then realizes the kids are watching him)

Steve Burns: Oh. Ah. See, kids? Bitch is a female dog.

 Barney

(Several people run out of a room screaming, covered in blood.)

Random Woman: '''HE'S EATING EVERYONE! AHHHH!

(Screen cuts to a child covered in blood crawling out of the room.)

(Barney's hand grabs the kids' foot and drags him.)

Child: AHHHHHHH!!!

(Barney roars.)

 VeggieTales

 Sesame Street

(Screen shows a doctor and Kermit the Frog in the hospital with the Cookie Monster in a bed.)

Kermit the Frog: So, uh, how did he croak?

Doctor: He's been eating nothing but cookies for the past 42 years! (examines Cookie Monster more) And he smoked ass loads of meth.

 Teletubbies

(Ian and Anthony are outside screaming at the sun, which has a "baby's" face on it, as seen from Teletubbies.)

Sun: Heh heh hehe, heh hehe heh heh heh ...

 Pee-wee's Playhouse Girl: Hey, I'm in the back, come on in!

Pee-wee: Are you ready to see my little P Wii?

Chris: Why don't you have a seat right over there?

Pee-wee: But, I was just going to show every on my little P Wii. LOOK!

(Pulls out a box of a fictional game console, the P Wii.)

Chris: Oh! It's just, ah, heh, I thought it was your d... um... can I play?

(The screen cuts to Pee-wee and Chris Hansen playing the P Wii. Chris Hansen beats Pee-wee.)

Chris: Ha! Thirty love, BITCH!

 Reading Rainbow

Child: Hi, I would like to tell you about a book I read called Twilight! It f**king sucked!

 Thomas the Tank Engine Thomas: Kill... me!

(Screen cuts back to Ian and Anthony sitting on the couch.)

Ian: Okay, so that really would suck.

Anthony: Told you so.

Ian: Whatever, man, why are we even watching this, can you just turn it off?

Anthony: Can't, lost the remote.

Ian: (sighs) Fine...

(Ian pulls out a gun and shoots the television screen, which ricochets and hits Anthony in the shoulder.)

Anthony: AHHH, YOU SHOT ME, YOU IDIOT!

Ian: O-Oh God! Wha-what do I do?!

Anthony: Ask the audience.

Ian: No, that's stupid!

Anthony: JUST DO IT!

Ian: Fine... (turns toward the audience) What do you think I should do? GREAT IDEA!

(Ian grabs a plastic bat and begins to hit himself in the head with it 3 times, fall over unconscious. Anthony turns to the audience)

Anthony: (sarcastically) Wow. Thanks a lot, a**holes.

 Bob the Builder (Deleted)

(Bob is smoking a cigar while banging on wood with a hammer and takes the cigar out of his mouth, spits AND BURPS)

 The Wiggles (Deleted)

(The Wiggles are videotaping and taking pictures of girls which they saw one)

Anthony: Oh, look at that bam.

(Police sirens are heard )

Jeff: OH SH**!

(They run)