Food Battle 2013/Script

Introduction
(Ian and Anthony look at each other angrily)

(in unison)

I want a rematch!

Anthony

Wait, wh-why do you want a rematch? You won last year.

Ian

No, no, no, no, no, you won! Well, I mean your head was in my body.

Anthony

Damn it! Last year's Food Battle was way too confusing.

Ian

Dude, I know! But I still want a rematch!

Anthony

Oh really well I am gonna destroy you with my new favorite food the (unzips his pants and puts his hands in through), come on your embarrassing me (pulls out a giant gummy snake) giant gummy snake!

Ian

If you think your stupid gummy snake can do more every day tasks than my pink frosted doughy balls of amazingness, then your going down, taint waffle! (tries to eat donuts but there's nothing in his hand) What the hell? (someone gives him two donuts and he takes the donuts from someone) Oh, thank you. Taint waffle! (eats the donuts)

Coffee Mug
At the table

Anthony

(Sees it on the catalog)

Let's do a coffee mug.

In the kitchen

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony

<p style="text-align:center;">(sings)

<p style="text-align:center;">The best part of when I wake

Is coffee in my snake.

(stops singing and pours coffee on his hand that caused it to burn and screams in pain)

<p style="text-align:center;">AAAAHHHHH! X

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian

(pours coffee on his donut on his hand nervously)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, that's not too bad.

(his hand then catches on fire and incinerates and he screams in pain)

<p style="text-align:center;">AAAAHHHHHH! X

Hypnotist
At the table

Ian: What do you wanna do today Mr. Burnthand? (talks in a higher pitched voice) Oo, I wanna do hippo tits.

Anthony: Hypnotist.

Ian: (speaks in a high pitched voice) Yeah, That's what I said jackass.

By the pool

Ian: (snickers) little does Anthony know but all the best hippo tits wear bras. I am now falling into a trance and will do what anyone tells me.

Anthony: Hey whenever you hear the word "balls", you'll grab the nearest object and smash it on your head.

Ian: What word?

Anthony: (gives Ian the bat) Balls.

(Ian hits himself with the baseball bat) ✓

Anthony: You're now getting very sleepy. Just imagine yourself face first in a pair of huge jugs. (slowly falls close to hot girl onto two jugs of milk) ✓

Shin Guards
At the table

(Ian pokes at Anthony as he's sleeping)

Anthony: (wakes up) Let's do shin guards! if you have the (says slowly) balls.(Cursed word or something like that)

Ian: (grabs a bottle and smashes it on his head) Okay!

In the living room

Anthony: Alright giant gummy snake, time to be the best shin guard in hisssstory. (grabs a brick, drops it on his shin and screams in pain) SWEET MONKEY PEE-PEE SAUCE! X

Ian: Oh no, I hope this really heavy beach ball doesn't break my leg. Heh heh heh. (drops the beach ball on the donut on his leg, his leg falls off, and screams in pain) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH AHHHHHHHH OH WHY? X

Hot Girl
At the table

Ian: Let's do (gets his served leg to point) a hot girl. Heh.

Anthony: Yeah, I'll do a hot girl.

(Ian hits Anthony with his served leg)

Anthony: OOOOWWW, MY AREOLA!

By the pool

Ian: Come on donut, I know you can be a hot girl. (tosses the donut in the air and comes down) oh yeah! (the donut has a bikini on) Eeeewwww, man bulge. X

Anthony: Please be a hot girl gummy snake. (throws the gummy snake) Please please please please please please please.

hot girl: (falls from the sky) AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Anthony: Sweet! (sees the hot girl dead) Oh sh*t. (runs away) ✓

Blanket to Hide a Dead Body
At the table

Ian: Let's do...

Anthony: (grabs the catalog) Let's just do this blanket to hide a dead body.

Ian: Why?

Anthony: No reason.

In the neighborhood

Ian:(whistles, shoots a man walking by, and throws the donut on his body) It worked! ✓

By the pool

Anthony: (puts the gummy snake on the dead hot girl) Sweet!

Anous: Stop right there! (shoots Anthony) You wasted a perfectly good gummy snake! (he then eats the gummy snake) ✓

Alternate Scene #1
Anthony: (grabs the catalog) Let's do a blanket to hide a dead body.

Ian: (pops out of the table) Okay.

(the comes closer to Ian with creepy sounds heard)

Alternate Scene #2
Ian: Let's...

Anthony: (grabs the catalog and talks in an accent) LLL-let's do a blanket to hide a dead body, see.

Crystal Ball
At the table

Ian: (sees a mark on Anthony) Dude, what happened to you?

Anthony: Well it's a long story. I got shot 'cause I was, I was at the back then I... (sees Ian sleeping) Fine, let's just do a CRYSTAL BALL!

(Ian wakes up)

Narrator: (pauses the video) Don't worry, folks. Anthony said, "crystal ball," not "balls." oh f**k it! I don't even know why I'm bothering to explain this. (plays the video)

In the neighborhood

Ian: Tell me my fortune you stupid little donut. (sees through the donut and sees a girl) Oh my god, is that my future girlfriend? She is so hot (finds the girls hugging another man) hey, that's my future wife you're hugging. (goes and stops them from hugging and finds out the girl is this long haired man)

long haired man: (turns around) Huh?

Ian: (Starts screaming in horror) AAAAAAAAAAAAAA   X AAGGH!

In the house

Anthony: Alright gummy snake, tell me who wins Food Battle this year and I will love you all night long. (sees into the future)

Ian (in thoughts): (falls towards a sword) Oh I got impaled by a random sword because I'm a dumbass. Oh I guess Anthony will win Food Battle. Woaoaoaoah, I'm dying. (dies)

Anthony: Yes, Ian dies. Well, guess I've to love you all night long. (starts making out with the gummy snake) ✓

Money
At the table

Ian: Let's do... (brings his finger out of his zipper)

Anthony: (gets up and drops the giant gummy snake that was inside his zipper hole onto the catalog and talks with swagger) Money. (walks away with the giant gummy snake still having a hold of the book)

(Ian gets curious about the snake and Anthony)

Outside in the neighborhood

Anthony:(drives up to a hooker) Hey girl. How much for a little uh you know what?

hooker: How much you got?

Anthony: Well I don't exactly have any money, but I've got something that's bright red and thirty inches long.

hooker: Eww, that's hecka nasty!

(Anthony hits the hooker for saying that with the gummy snake)

narrator: K.O! X

In a drug store

Ian: Hello friendly crack dealer, I would like to use this to purchase some of your finest drugs. (trips on the head of a cutout) Woaoaoaoah, woaoaoah! I'm tripping and I'm falling towards a sword and it might kill me! Woaoaoah, woaoaoah, woaoaoah! Sword, sword! (makes random noises and stops tripping) I was almost impaled by that sword.

Anthony: What the fricken frick man?! My gummy snake predicted that you would die and I win Food Battle!

Ian: Man, that's crazy as (talks in slow motion) balls. (hits himself with a stuff cat and lands on the tip of the sword)

Anthony: YEAH! (plays with the gummy snake) I'm the winner! I'm the winner!

Result: None Given

Alternate Scene
Ian: Let's do money.

Anthony: Okay!

(Ian gets scared of the gummy snake arms)

Anthony: What?

Ending
Ian: (pulls the sword out) Yeah, my mom's bra's stopped the sword. (chuckles) Yeah! (throws the sword at the ceiling)

Anthony: You know what man, I was pissed that you didn't die, but I just realized you're my best friend and our friendship is worth way more than a stupid Food Battle.

(they both cry as the sword starts falling down)

Ian: Let's hug it out bro.

(they both cry and hug each other)

drug dealer: Man, that's gay as (talks in slow-motion) balls.

(Ian hits himself with his donut and falls down)

Anthony: (gets stabbed by the falling sword) Seriously?! (tries to make dying noises) Lady Gaga's toad. (dies on Ian)

Ian: Eww, go die (gets up) somewhere else you sicko! ugh, gross.

Later on

Food Battle News Reporter: Ian, Ian. You just won Food Battle 2013. What are you gonna do now?

Ian: I'm gonna stroll around the city in my mom's (takes off his shirt) bra! Wanna come?

Food Battle News Reporter: (unbuttons himself) F**K YEAH!