My Stupid Dying Grandpa!/Script

(Ian starts to fly a kite)

Ian: (sings) Kite day, kite day, it's a freakin kite day. (opens the door and gets outside)

Blue kite, blu-blu-blu-blue ki... (sees his grandpa) What the hell is this?

Ian's mom: Your grandpa's dying and I don't want to take care of him anymore.

Ian: Come on mom, I don't want his old,  this smelly ass in my house!

Ian's mom: Take him! (Gives Ian his grandfather)

Ian: You take him! (Gives his mother his grandfather)

Ian's mom: You! (Gives Ian his grandfather)

Ian: No, you! (Gives his mother his grandfather)

Ian's mom: Not it! (Runs away and laughs)

Ian: Fine! Run away, but I'm not taking him in. (Goes in his house)

Next morning

(Ian woke up with a mug of coffee while wearing a robe)

Ian: Ah.

(Ian walked out of his house and got his newspaper while seeing his grandpa)

Ian: Fine! (Takes his grandfather in the house)

Anthony: (sees Ian bringing his grandfather) What's this?

Ian: It's my stupid grandpa, I gotta take care of his dying ass.

(The grandfather gives Ian a piece of paper)

Ian: What the hell is this?! (takes the paper)

Anthony: Dude, that's a bucket list, all the things he wanted to do before he dies.

Ian: But he didn't finish it.

Anthony: You should totally finish it for him!

Ian: Is that what you want grandpa?

(The grandfather shook his head up and as the soft music plays)

Later on

(Ian got out of his robe)

Anthony: All right, so first thing on the list is conquer your biggest fear. What's your biggest fear?

Ian: Aunt Jemima.

Anthony: You're afraid of syrup?

Ian: No, I'm afraid of her. She just sits on that bottle smiling at me. No matter where I go, I can feel those eyes piercing into my soul.

Anthony: So you're afraid of (shows the bottle) THIS?

Ian: NO!

Anthony: Kiss her!

Ian: GET HER AWAY FROM ME ANTHONY!

Anthony: If you want to get over your fear, you're gonna have to kiss her.

Ian: I CAN'T!

Anthony: Do it for your grandpa.

Ian: No, no, NO NO! I DON'T WANNA KISS HER!

(Anthony sends the bottle closer to Ian's mouth)

Ian: NOOOOOOO! (Kisses Jemima and runs away screaming)

Anthony: Alright so um, only thirty more to go.

Outside of the house

Anthony: Next up, we have steal candy from a little kid.

Ian: Sweet! (starts to leave then comes back) No pun attended. (leaves again and laughs)

(A girl was skipping with her cookie until Ian took it)

Ian: Give me that! (takes the cookie and eats it in front of the girl)

(Ian sees the girl's father which beaten Ian towards the pile of trash)

Anthony: So, how's that cookie taste?

Ian: Can we just finish this stupid list?

(Ian licks a door knob, gets a tattoo, pours two gallons of milk on himself, and starts to shave his nipple hair)

Ian: No, no! No, NOOOO! (Gets shaved) AH! [CENSOR IS HEARD] BARBARA STREISAND, AHHHH!

Back in the house

Anthony: Alright, so the last thing on the list is eat cat litter.

Ian: What?

Anthony: Yeah, already got some from the neighbor. (Drops the cat litter) Eat up.

(Ian tries to feel relaxed, grabs a part of the liter, and starts to eat it)

After eating the cat litter

(Ian and Anthony comes back to the grandfather)

Ian: I finished your stupid bucket list grandpa; I hope you're happy!

(The camera reveals the grandfather dead)

Anthony: Sorry dude. He didn't make it in time.

Ian: It's funny, before this bucket list stuff I thought my grandpa was a loser, but I guess I didn't just understand him. I just wish I could've spend a little time with him before he Never mind, I'll see you later man. (leaves and cries)

Anthony: HE TOTALLY FELL FOR IT!

(The grandfather woke up)

Ian's grandfather: Haha, what an idiot! Who falls for a prank like that?!

Ian's mom: (shows up from the couch) Haha, did you get him to eat the kitty litter?

Anthony: Yeah! You should've seen him, he's like, "Ah, blblbl! Ah, I got a little cat poop in my mouth. Lllll." Hahahahahaha!

Ian's grandfather: Oh. Hang on fellas, I got one more prank.

At the wake

Ian: (sees his grandfather) Well grandpa, you were a great man. I just wish... (sees his grandfather but thinks of him as a zombie) AHHHH!

Alternate Scene
(When Ian starts to fly his kite)

Ian: (sings) ''Gonna fly my kite, so high in the air!  Gonna ki-kite! Kite in your hair!'' (goes outside)

Deleted Scene
(After Ian gets thrown to a pile of trash)

Anthony: You got a little something ah, something right...

Ian: Got it.

Anthony: You got it?

Ian: Yeah I got it.

Anthony: You are such a little bitch.

Ian: I know!

Anthony: Just get up!

Ian: Nooo!

Alternate Ending
(When the grandfather woke up)

Ian's grandfather: Haha, what an idiot! Who falls for a prank like that?!

Anthony: Hahaha. Seriously?!

(Ian's grandfather falls back to sleep and Ian comes back)

Ian: Hey hey, what are you, what are you laughing about?

Anthony: Ah, grandpa s**t himself when he died.

Ian: PLAHAHA, IT TOTALLY WORKED!

Anthony: Yeah.

Ian: I TOLD YOU HE WOULD S**T HIMSELF

Anthony: Yeah.

Ian: WHEN HE DIED.

Anthony: Yeah, that's-that's what I'm saying.

Ian: Yeah, highfive. (Sees Anthony giving him a highfive and laughing) Yeah, you're cleaning it up. (leaves)

Anthony: (laughs and then stops laughing) No. Good save, good save.