The Harry Potter Pill/Script

DICKIE

Hey Harry Potter fans, do you feel like your life's over because everything you care about is now gone?

HARRY FAN #1

Yes.

DICKIE


 * You may have tried to fill that boy by buying all their merchandise or writing really creepy fan fiction.  But no matter how many steaming stories you write about Harry Potter rescuing you from your pathetic life, you'll never be able to satisfy your Harry Potter obsession.

(the first fan cried over licking her Harry Potter doll)

DICKIE

And that's why we're here to help bring a solution to your problem.

Say hello to the Potter Pill.

HARRY FAN # 1

The Potter Pill?

DICKIE

That's right, you freakin' loser – the Potter Pill.

(girl takes the pill and injects it)

DICKIE

A single dose of the Potter Pill will end all of your suffering

from the gaping hole that Harry Potter has left in your life.

(the girl died from the pill)

DICKIE

<p style="text-align:center;">The Potter Pill consist of three simple ingredients:


 * enriched wheat flour, vitamin B6, and a dose of Cyanide.


 * Did we mention it makes a great gift.

In an office, MIKE talks on the phone

<p style="text-align:center;">Mike

<p style="text-align:center;">...oh yeah with pizza.

(talks to the audience)


 * 'I had this co-worker that just wouldn't shut the hell up about Harry Potter.  So I gave her the Potter Pill; I haven't heard a word from her since.

In the girl's bedroom

Paramedic: This sounds so complicated. How does it work? (gets a pill and eats it)

Dickle: Using the Potter Pill is simple. Put the Potter Pill in your mouth, don't forget to swallow, and experience eternal glimpse from the torrent of no Harry Potter.

(the paramedic dies)

In a different house

Timmy's mom: I don't know, my kids are pretty finicky when it comes to taking pills.

(Timmy grunts)

Dickle: Don't worry moms, for junior we have Potter Pill Chewables.

(the mother feeds Timmy like a baby)

Timmy's mom: That's a good boy.

(Timmy starts choking)

Timmy's mom: Now sleep, sleep, Ha Ha, Ha

In a different house

Dickle: The Potter Pill also comes in suppository form because you have to be a pretty hardcore fan to want one of those.

(Ian put his thumbs up)

Somewhere else

<p style="text-align:center;">DICKIE

<p style="text-align:center;">It's even FDA approved.

<p style="text-align:center;">DR. PEACOCK (has a gun over his head)

<p style="text-align:center;">This product is FDA approved.

<p style="text-align:center;">DICKIE

<p style="text-align:center;">Most doctors can attest to the effectiveness of the Potter Pill.

In the lab

Dr. Splash bottom: I just cannot endorse this product; I would suggest potential customers to instead find a different book series to obsess over. Perhaps the Twilight Saga. (get shot) Eh!

Dickle: And if you don't believe the Potter Pill will work for you, just listen to these satisfied customers.

(the customers are seen dead)

Narrator: Don't use Potter Pills when operating a motor vehicle.

Anthony: (Eats the Potter Pill in his car but he chokes in the end) X

Narrator: And don't use in conjunction with Viagra.

Dead Guy: (Using in Conjuction with Viagra) X

Dickle: Order within the next five minutes and get a free fan-fiction about Harry and DumbleDore.

Dumbledore: I think it's about time we finally touched wands, Harry Potter.

Harry: Okay.

(they touched their wands with each other)

Dickle: And that's not all; order now and we'll throw in Dumbledore's greatest pickup lines.

Dumbledore: Are you from Hogwarts? Because I like to hog your warts.