HITCHHIKING DISASTER!/Script

Ian and Anthony stand in front of a grave, on it is written "RIP ROCKY, best friend".

Anthony (tearfully): Goodbye Rocky, you were the best friend I ever had.

Ian: Yeah. Wait, um, who was Rocky?

Anthony (scoffing): Duh! my pet rock!

Ian and Anthony return to their car.

Ian: I can't believe we came all the way out here just to bury some stupid rock!

Anthony: You just don't understand what it's like to have-

'Anthony pulls on his door handle, but it's locked. He keeps pulling, but it won't open. Anthony pats his pants pocket nervously, dramatic music swells.'

Ian: You locked your keys in the car, didn't you?

Anthony nods overdramatically.

Ian (huffing dramatically): Alright, well it looks like we'll have to walk to the next gas station and get help.

'The camera pans to a sign that reads "NEXT GAS STATION 200 MILES". Ian gasps. The camera pans over to another signs, this one reads "PLEASE REMAIN IN CAR. KILLER BEARS EVERYWHERE." Ian gasps again. The camera pans to a third sign, which reads, "IF YOU LOCK YOUR KEYS IN YOUR CAR, YOU'RE BASICALLY F**KED.", (with the 'u' and 'c' purposefully scratched out'. Ian points to the slight cracked open window.'

Ian: The window!

'Ian and Anthony begin to rabidly grapple for the keys through the window. They give up.'

Ian: I told you we had fat arms!

Anthony: Well what are we gonna do now?

Ian: Oh!

Ian pulls a tub of butter out from behind him.

Anthony: Why do you carry a tub of butter with you?!

Ian: Why would I not?

Ian begins to shove his butter hands through the window.

Anthony: Dude that's not gonna work! You're getting my window all buttery! Let's just try something else.

'The two stand forlornly on the side of the road. Ian begins to eat the butter.'

Ian: I know! If you hit the car, it'll trigger the car's OnStar system, and then it'll call for help!

Anthony: Yes! Quick, hit the car! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait-

Ian hits the car, hurting his hand.

Anthony: I don't have OnStar...

The sound of 'killer bears' is heard in the distance.

Ian: Is that a bear?!?!

Anthony: Get away from us you stupid bears!

Anthony throws his keys at the bears.

Ian: Wait, what did you just throw?

Anthony: My spare keys.

Ian: You have spare keys the whole time?!

Ian grabs Anthony but the neck.

Anthony: Uh...oops

Ian: That's it man, looks like we're just gonna have to hitchhike

Anthony: Dude, no one picks up hitchhikers anymore!

'A blue pickup truck speeds by. A bearded man licks his lips'

Man: Sweet....Prostitutes!

The man pulls up to Ian and Anthony.

Ian: No one picks up hitchhikers

Man: Hey you boys looking to u...go all the way?

Anthony: Well, of course we want to go all the way

Ian: Yeah, why would we go halfway

Man: Mmmm, that's what I like to hear. What do you wanna do?

Anthony: Well, we wanna go down South.

Man: Hell yeah, come on in boys!

'The man cleans off his seat as Ian and Anthony get in. The man grabs Anthony by the shoulder, pulling cash out of his shirt.'

Man: So, is this enough for you to go....all the way?

Anthony: Woaaaah, we get paid to do this?

Man: So it's your first time, too?

Ian and Anthony: Yep.

Man: Jackpot.

'Ian and Anthony go running out of the car as it speeds off. '

Anthony: God, that is NOT how they showed hitchhiking in the movies!

Ian: Oh my god! My dad told me HE used to hitchhike.....all over the country!

Anthony: Your dad used to do that? All over the country? (laughing)

Ian: Whatever man! If you need me, I'll be sleeping!

Ian gets into the car.

Anthony (souring): You didn't....loCK YOUR SIDE??

Ian: Whatever! It's not like anyone broke in!

The camera cuts to Anthony slamming Ian's head against the rear of the car.

Anthony (slamming): YOU IDIOT! YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!!

HITCHHIKING DISASTER!