A Real Ouija Board?/Script

In the garage

(Ian and Anthony search for something)

ANTHONY

Oh! (places the box near him) Found it! (opens the box)

IAN

Nice!

ANTHONY

Dude, I told you she's so much hotter when she was topless. (looks through his photos of topless Brittany Spears)

IAN

I know. (looks at the box behind him) Whoa, have you ever seen that box before?

ANTHONY

Yeah, but it says, "Creepy box, do not open ever." So I stay the hell away from it.

IAN

(opens the creepy box) Let me get inside you son of a bitch. (takes out an Ouija Board) Whoa, it's Ouija Board.

ANTHONY

Oh my god, you know what we have to do with this, right?

Sometime later

(a séance is preformed)

ANTHONY

Oh spirits, does Ian have herpes?

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">What?!

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Well it's either this or you actually get it checked out by a doctor.

<p style="text-align:center;">(Ian puts his hands on the planchette)

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">That's what I thought. (concentrates really hard and moves the planchette)

<p style="text-align:center;">(Ian is astonished)

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my god dude, it's working!

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian: I'm not moving it. Are you?

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony: (breathes heavily) Of course I'm moving it, it's f***ing fake!

<p style="text-align:center;">Ian: What do you mean fake?

Anthony: As in not real; something that is not genuine; a forgery or sham.

Ian: Did you just read that out of a dictionary.

Anthony: (throws the dictionary away) You know what man? I think we might be the only people on Earth that know Ouija Boards are fake.

(Ian picks up his phone)

Anthony: Who is that?

Ian: Oh it's just this girl, Terra, from my yoga class.

Anthony: Is she hot? (fights over the phone with Ian)

Ian: No, come on!

Anthony: (takes the phone and looks at the picture of Terra) Oh my god dude, this chick is banging. She have a boyfriend?

Ian: Yeah.

Anthony: Not for loooong.

Ian: Ohohohoh.

(Ian and Anthony play an imaginary gun fight with each other)

narrator: Two hours later...

(Ian and Anthony brought Terra to the Ouija Board)

Terra: So, does this thing really work? (sits down with the guys)

Anthony: Yeah, but you need to be completely serious about it, okay?

Ian: Yeah, this-this isn't a joke, I mean this thing has predicted a ton of stuff and it's all came true.

Anthony: Like it predicted Ian would wet the bed this morning and (sighs) it happened.

Ian: Um, yeah yeah, it totally did. But it also predicted that Anthony would shart himself right before he came over, right Anthony?

Anthony: Are we just gonna do this thing or not?!

Ian: Uh, fine. (places his hands on the planchette with the others) Oh great spirits, does Terra's boyfriend really still love her?

Ian and Anthony: (move the planchette) Oh oh oh oh, (stops moving the planchette at "No") oh no!

Anthony: Um, has he ever cheated on her?

Ian and Anthony: (move the planchette) Oh oh.

Anthony: It's not looking good.

Ian and Anthony: Oh.

Anthony: Oh yeah, he did. (gasps with Ian) Um, who has he cheated on her with?

Ian and Anthony: (move the planchette) Oh oh, L, O, T, S. (stops moving the planchette) Lots? (gasp)

Ian: Oh no! How many? (moves the planchette with Anthony) One, zero...

Terra: Ten?!

(Anthony gasp)

Ian: Wait, wait! (moves the planchette to "5") A hundred and five girls?!

Anthony: Damn girl, your boyfriend must straight-up hate your ass.

Ian: Yeah you should totally dump him for like a way more (raises his arm) muscular guy.

Anthony: Uh, so uh, ha! Does Ian kiss a photo of Terra every night before bed? (tries to move the planchette) Uh.

Ian: (tries to stop Anthony and whispers) No no dude! Don't don't do this to me. (grabs the planchette and moves it over to "Yes")

Anthony: Ah yes, oh he does. What a loser.

Ian: That never happened!

Anthony: Oh, the spirits never lie dude.

Terra: That's weird.

Ian: Oh okay! Uh, great spirits, does Anthony sing One Direction in the mirror and make out with a Louis doll.

Anthony: It's pronounced Loui, and-and-and that's not even true.

Ian: Spirits never lie dude!

Anthony: Oh great spirits, uh what should I smack Ian across the stupid face with?! (moves the planchette and stands up) Oh, oh no, where's it going?

Ian: Oh.

Ian and Anthony: Ohohohoh. (stops near a bat)

Anthony: Ah, (grabs the bat) a bat? Oh! Well, the spirits never lie, dude.

Ian: No, no no no! (gets smacked by a bat) Ow! Oh let's see what the stupid spirits say now. (moves the planchette)

Ian and Anthony: Woah, woah woah!

In the bathroom

Ian: (enters the room with Anthony and Terra) Where does Anthony want to put his head?

(the planchette points at the hole of the toilet seat)

Anthony: Oh god!

Ian: Spirits never lie! (puts Anthony's head in the toilet) Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

In the kitchen

Anthony: The spirits want you to put a condom on your head.

Ian: No, no!

(Anthony covers Ian's face with a condom which causes Ian to make some noise)

Near the entrance of the house

Ian: The spirits want you to run (pushes Anthony outside of the house) naked in the streets. (closes the door)

Anthony: (knocks the door) No, no! Dude!

In the garage

Anthony: The spirits want Terra to cough at Ian's face? (slaps Terra)

(Terra coughs and spits near Ian)

In the kitchen

Ian: The spirits want you (gives Anthony a bottle of viagra) to eat down this whole bottle of viagra.

(Anthony doses himself with the entire bottle)

Sometime later

Anthony: (moves the planchette near the glass of water) The spirits want you to slowly take a sip of water while everyone watches.

(Ian slowly takes a sip of water)

Anthony: (claps while giggle quietly and happily states) Oh my, what a loser!

In the garage

Ian: The spirits want Terra to ride on your back while you squeal like a pig.

(Anthony let's Terra ride on his back while squealing like a pig causing Ian to laugh)

Sometime later

(Ian, Anthony, and Terra sit near the Ouija Board)

Terra: Look, I think I'm just gonna go home.

Anthony: Oh wait wait wait, no no. We we got one more question (winks at Ian), right?

Ian: (winks back at Anthony) Yeah um, dear spirits, what should we touch next?

Ian and Anthony: (lift up the planchette) Whoa, whoaoaoaoaoa! (move the planchette near Terra's breast) Whoaoaoa, whoaoaoaoaoa, whoaoaoaoa...

Terra: (grabs the planchette) Okay that's it! (places the planchette on the board) Am I done with this fake Ouija Board bullsh*t, and do I never ever want to see Ian or Anthony ever again? (moves the planchette) Wooooo, woooooo! (places the planchette above "Yes") Losers! (flips the board and planchette, and leaves the room)

Ian: Do you maybe want to get some milkshakes?

Anthony: (lifts a different Ouija Board and planchette) Hell frigging yeah, (moves the board) bitch!

Sometime later

(Ian and Anthony dances to the Milky Milkshake song)

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