Food Battle 2009/Script

Introduction
''[Ian walks out of a room and hears rock music. Confused, he walks to the living room and finds Anthony, back from the dead, playing drums on Rock Band. Anthony notices Ian and stops playing]''

Ian: (screams)

Anthony: I want a rematch!

Ian: But I saw you die last year!

Anthony: Well I'm here, so I'm obviously a -

Ian: [interrupts] A zombie?!

Anthony: Can a zombie do this? [throws drumstick at Ian]

Ian: OH! [a beat] Yeah!

[Cut to Anthony standing with Ian near a coffee table]

Anthony: How about this? [picks up and throws Ian on the table, breaking it]

Ian: AUGH! [a beat] Yeah!

[Cut to both in the kitchen]

Anthony: Can I do this? [picks up a green glass]

Ian: What? [Anthony smashes the glass on Ian's head] OHHH! OWW!! Yeah!

[Cut to outside, with Anthony in a car]

Anthony: How about this? [Anthony reverses over Ian with his car]

Ian: (defiantly) Maybe?

[Cut to pool, with Ian lying his head down on a table and Anthony with an axe]

Anthony: Could I do this? [raises the axe, about to decapitate Ian]

Ian: You know what? Um, maybe you're not actually a zombie.

Anthony: Alright, well, in that case, [pulls out a burrito] I want a rematch!

Ian: Pfft! You think your stupid burrito can do more everyday tasks than my pink frosted sprinkled donut?!

Anthony: Yeah?

Ian: BRING IT ON, CHODE-KNOCKER! [loudly shoves three donuts in his mouth at once]

Toothbrush
[Cut to both Ian and Anthony putting the catalog down on the table]

Anthony: How 'bout this toothbrush?

[Cut to Anthony brushing his teeth with the burrito, but his teeth somehow end up even worse]

Result: X

[Cut to Ian brushing his teeth with the donut, leaving behind chunks of frosting and donut on his teeth]

Ian: (cheerfully) My dentist is gonna be so proud!

Result: X

Shovel
[Cut back to the catalog]

Ian: Let's do... a shovel! Ya ''dig? (chuckles)''

Anthony: If you do one more stupid pun I'm gonna punt your ass... to Bangkok!

Ian: (immaturely smirks)

Anthony: Why are you laughing?

Ian: You said - [tries to contain himself]

Anthony: (annoyed) What?

Ian: You said punt.

[Cut to outside, with Ian and his donut]

Ian: Come on donut!

''[The donut breaks up and crumbles almost immediately. Ian yells unintelligibly in frustration]''

Result: X

[Ian scorns while eating the remains of his donut]

[Cut to Anthony and his burrito]

Anthony: (enthusiastically) Dig me a hole to China, burrito! [starts digging] I wanna see some Chinese people!

''[After a short while, Anthony stops digging in confusion, and then unearths a blue vase. The Merchant from Resident Evil 4 appears]''

The Merchant: Greetings, stranger! What are you selling?

Anthony: This is... this is a vase!

The Merchant: Ahh! I'll buy it at a high price! [Gives Anthony money in exchange for the vase]

Anthony: (excited) Oh! Eleven bucks?! WOO! [runs off screen] YEAH!

Result: ✓

Wig
[Cut back to the catalog]

Anthony: Let's do... a wig!

Ian: Oh! The - like, the...like the one you put on your head?

Anthony: (sarcastically) No, the one you put on your butt. Yeah, the one you put on your head!

Ian: [interrupts] (excitedly) OH! (unintelligible) Dude!

Anthony: (annoyed) No, the one -

Ian: [interrupts again] The butt - no! The butt wig! Yeah!

Anthony: No, the one you put on your head!

Ian: Are we doing the butt wig?

Anthony: (frustrated) The one you put on your HEAD!

''[Cut to outside on the street, where Anthony places three burritos wrapped in plastic on his head to make a wig. A random guy approaches, mistaking Anthony for his girlfriend.]''

Random Guy: Sherry? I didn't know you were back in town! I know this is a bit soon, but...

[Random Guy goes down on one knee before "Sherry", straightening his tie (a shirt print)]

Random Guy: Sherry Lucas Wellington-Worth II (the second), will you marry me?

Anthony: (excitedly) Yes?!

''[The Random Guy runs off with Anthony, and a quick photo montage appears of their marriage, their honeymoon, and a picture of their kids in hospital. Anthony's burrito wig was therefore successful.]''

Result: ✓

[Cut back to the street, with Anthony and his husband]

Anthony's Husband: Sherry? I hope we'll be together forev -

[As he strokes Anthony's hair, he accidentally takes the wig off]

Anthony's Husband (horrified) OH MY GOD YOU'RE A DUDE! [runs away]

Anthony: (anguished) NOOOOOO!

[Cut to Ian on the street with his donut]

Ian: Come on donut! I know you can be a freakin' sweet wig.

''[Ian places the donut on top of his head. Anthony's Husband appears to greet him]''

Anthony's Husband: Oh, hey Ian! [notices the "wig"] I didn't know you were Jewish.

Ian: (annoyed) This isn't a yarmulke!

Result: X

Ian: [oblivious] Oh, by the way, congratulations on the marriage.

Anthony's Husband: SHUT UP, ASS-GASKET!

[He runs off screen crying, leaving Ian confused]

Video Game
[Cut back to the catalog]

Anthony: Let's do... a video game!

Ian: (annoyed) OK, excuse me! It's MY turn to go! Let's do... [turns the catalog pages before going back to the same page] ...a video game!

[Cut to Ian in the living room]

Ian: Oh, I can't wait to play Super Donut 64! [puts donut in the cartridge slot of a Nintendo 64] Let's go... (unintelligible)

[Ian powers on the N64, only to find the TV displaying a blue screen of death]

Ian: ''NOOOO - ! [cut off]''

Result: X

[Cut to Anthony in the living room]

Anthony: Come on burrito. Let's play Donut Massacre 64!

''[Anthony puts the burrito on the cartridge slot and powers on the N64, but the TV image is noisy and distorted, so he turns the console off and takes the burrito out. After blowing on it to get rid of any dust, he then firmly shoves the burrito back into the cartridge slot, before powering on the console again. Donut Massacre 64 successfully starts, and Anthony happily picks up the controller.]''

Anthony: Die, donuts! (laughs evilly) Yeah! (more evil giggles)

Result: ✓

Boomerang
[Cut back to the catalog, but Ian has drastically changed]

Anthony: A boomerang!

"Ian": OK!

[Cuts to close up of Anthony]

Anthony: (startled) Oh my God, what happened to you?!

[Cuts back to table, with a normal Ian]

Ian: (confused) What?

[Cut to outside in a park, with Ian and his donut]

Ian: Let's do this donut! Fly like a majestic eagle! [throws the donut]

[Cut to a bench, where the RE4 Merchant is sitting, holding the blue vase] 

The Merchant: [singing in the tune of "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson] The little vase is not my lover. He's -

[Ian's donut hits the vase, causing the Merchant to drop it]

The Merchant OH! SHH... [the vase smashes on the ground] Aww... sh**.

Ian: Dang it!

Result: X

[Cut to Anthony with his burrito]

Anthony: Let's go, burrito! Come back to me!

[Anthony throws the burrito, which comes back, soaring straight over his head and keeps on going]

Burrito: See you later, f*ggot! HA HA HA HA HA - oh wait. Wait! What's that?!

[The burrito is shredded through the jet engine of a passing airplane]

Anthony: (confused) What?

Result: ✓

Mind Control Device
[Cut back to the catalog]

Ian: Let's see your burrito be a mind control device!

Anthony: Alright, and I'm gonna mind control your mom to touch my prinkly -

Ian: [interrupts] Whoa! Whoa. Don't say it.

Anthony: I was gonna say "touch my prinkly legs".

Ian: (relieved) Oh. Well in that case, that would be fine. But you know what? Let's just use the mind control device to, uh... I don't know... get some girls to make out with us?!

Anthony: (excited) YEAH!!! (laughs)

''[Cut to outside with a girl sitting at a table, reading a book. Anthony sits down and attempts to hypnotize her with his burrito]''

Anthony: You are growing sleeepy... let all your worries go away and you wanna kiss me. [leans in for the kiss]

Girl: Eww, gross! [promptly runs away]

Anthony: (confused) Why not?

Result: X

''[Cut to same girl sitting at a different spot, reading her book. Ian sits down next to her]''

Ian: Hey there, pretty lady!

[Ian also attempts to hypnotize her with his donut]

Ian: Ian is super hot. In fact, you think he's Robert Pattison, or... some other man of equal hotness. You now wanna kiss him.

[Ian and the girl both lean in for the kiss, but at the last second, the girl vomits on Ian]

Ian: Oh! ''WHAT THE FU - ?! [cut off]''

Result: X

An Edible Food
[Cut back to the catalog]

Anthony: Let's do.... an edible food!

Ian: (smirks) Dude, you're totally gonna lose this one! Burritos are made out of, OK - one: cement, and two: Donald Trump's old skin!

Anthony: Yeah? But I've tried both those things, and they TASTE JUST FINE!

''[Cut to outside, where Ian is cautiously trying to eat his donut. He eventually manages to eat the tiniest sliver of frosting off the donut and win this time]''

Ian: Whoa! It's edible!

Result: ✓

[Cut to Anthony with the burrito]

Anthony: 50% cement, 50% skin, equals 100% awesome!

[Takes a huge bite of his burrito, and almost immediately spits it out, clutching his throat]

Result: X

[Ian appears from behind a trash can]

Ian: Ha, ha! I put cyanide into your burrito! [high pitched] Sucka!

Anthony: THAT'S GONNA KILL ME YOU IDIOT!

Ian: It doesn't matter. You're a zombie! You can't die.

Anthony: I'M NOT A FREAKING ZOMBIE!

Ian: (realising) Oh... yeah.

[Anthony lies motionless on the ground, dead]

[Blackout]

Ending
[The Announcer Guy rushes up to Ian]

Announcer Guy: Ian! Ian! You've just won Food Battle 2009 -

Anthony's Husband: (interrupts angrily) Wait just one second!

[Ian looks on as Anthony's husband picks up his burrito, and pulls out a corn dog from the burrito]

Anthony's Husband: You killed my wife, and for that, I challenge you to a duel.

Ian: Bring it on! [raises middle finger at the last second]

[The screen displays Japanese symbols around Anthony's Husband, parodying anime-style battle scenes]

Anthony's Husband: [in bad Japanese/English] CORN DOG CHARGE ATTACK!

[Ian quickly opens a door directly behind him]

Anthony's Husband: (panicked) I CAN'T STOP RUNNING!

''[Ian easily dodges his attack as Anthony's husband runs into the room, and Ian closes the door. The door is labelled "Viewing Room for Susan Boyle Sex Tape".]''

Anthony's Husband: (horrified) What's going on? Oh my God, it looks like there's Beef 'n Go everywhere! NO! AAAAAHHHHH!!!

[Blackout]

[The Announcer Guy rushes up to Ian]

Announcer Guy: Ian! Ian! You've just won Food Battle 2009! What are you gonna do now!

Ian: (excited) I'm gonna go watch paint dry!

Announcer Guy: (excited) Oh boy, watching paint dry! Can I come?

[Cut to Ian and Announcer Guy staring at a freshly painted wall]

Announcer Guy: Is it dry yet?

Ian: No.

Announcer Guy: Is it dry yet?

Ian: No.

Announcer Guy: Is it dry yet?

Ian: (annoyed) No!

Announcer Guy: Is it dry yet?

Ian: (angrily) NOOO!!!

Outro
[As per tradition, the Food Battle outro is done by Barney the Purple Dinosaur]

Barney the Dinosaur: H-Hey there, kids! It's Barney! Go to Smosh.com to see the new Food Battle 2009 Bloopers, and also see how the corn dog snuck it's way into the burrito!* Also check out the Smosh store to get the new Food Battle 2009 shirt and poster!** So basically if you don't go to Smosh.com right now, I'm gonna kill you in your sleep! Oh ho ho ho!

''* Official versions of these videos on the Smosh website do not appear to be working with newer browsers. This appears to be due to the older videos requiring an obsolete version of Adobe Flash to run properly. Both videos exist unofficially on YouTube, but will not be linked here under Wikia terms of use. Please support official content whenever possible!''

Tested using Google Chrome, Microsoft Edge and Internet Explorer 11, running Windows 10.

** Both items no longer exist.