HEAVY RAIN (Honest Game Trailers)

HEAVY RAIN is the 88th Honest Game Trailer, released on March 8, 2016.

Script
From the developer of games so European, it hurts (Quantic Dream), comes the interactive fiction that set out to prove once and for all that games could be art, but just ended up being a weird mash-up of L.A. Noire and the Saw franchise: Heavy Rain.

Enter the aggressively depressing world of Heavy Rain and take on the mean streets of not-Philadelphia, where you'll fight past constant storms, dangerous traps, and serial killer cliches, and solve the mystery of the Origami murders using your wits, a handful of clues, and the most unnecessary quick time events in video game history, because nothing spices up the narrative like watching the main character brush his f*** teeth! Ugh.

Experience the adventure game that's so deep in the uncanny valley, it's digging up fossils, as you sit through awkward, stilted animations, facial expressions that look like aliens wearing human suits, random French voice actors, the world's most disturbing kissing scene, and unforgettable glitches. But, hey, at least there's plenty of digital boobs.

Get ready for a story so noire, it doesn't have a single likable character, featuring an overweight Columbo whose investigative technique is to kick the sh** out of everybody he runs into, an FBI agent hooked on weird future drugs that give him Lawnmower Man powers, a police detective who's a literal psychopath, a feisty reporter who will do pretty much anything to get her story, a desperate father you're supposed to root for, even after he straight up murders a guy, and the terrifying robot children he's trying to save. (Ethan stands near electrical wires) Wait, you want me to do what for this kid? F*** that!

Prepare yourself for a game that takes the boring parts the movies don't show you and turns them into slow, laborious quick time events, where you'll apply makeup, take multiple showers, rock a baby back and forth, draw lines, and count, or just fail repeatedly on purpose and watch as a tense situation devolves into a Dumb and Dumber movie. And make sure to pay close attention and rotate those thumb sticks just right, as one mistake can mean the difference between saving your dumb kid's life and dying horribly in a pool of your own blood. Huh, fun!

Dive into the surprisingly compelling narrative of Heavy Rain, whose twists, turns, and intense drama will have you on the edge of your seat, until the game ends and you have more questions than you started with, like why was Ethan having blackouts? Why is he waking up with origami figures in his hand? Why doesn't Ethan go to the police? Why doesn't anyone connect the weird letters they get before the kidnappings with the kidnappings? Why does Ethan need every single letter to complete the address? Has he never seen Wheel of Fortune? How does Madison know who the detective and the FBI guy are without ever meeting them? Why does Scott go after that creepy rich kid who knows he's the actual killer? How can the killer afford so many elaborate death traps and rooms to put them in? How does he own this factory? Is this all coming out of his retirement? And, the biggest question of all, why do I spend so much time thinking about this game?

So get ready for the emotional roller coaster that is Heavy Rain, where you can feel the desperation of each character and the anxiety of racing against the clock until, you know, this happens:

(Scott shoots Ethan)

Ethan: Shaun!

Madison: Ethan!

Ethan: Shaun! Shaun!

(Ethan collapses)

Starring Shawn!? Shawwwwnn!? (Shaun Mars), Neurotic Veronica Mars (Madison Paige), "Say hello to your motha for me" (Mark Wahlberg) (Norman Jayden), Japanese Culture Enthusiast John Goodman (Scott Shelby), and Press 'X' to Jason (Ethan Mars) (shows Ethan yelling "Jason!" multiple times, then saying "Jason, wait for me. Wait for your dad, son.").

It's Never Sunny in Philadelphia.

The best ending is the one where you get attacked by the tiny tanks. David Cage, you've done it again.