GIRLFRIENDS IN THE WILD/Script

Introduction
George: Behold! The average girlfriend; a subspecies of Homo sapien that will suck the life right out of you and drain you of everything you have.

(Boyfriend #1 gives Girlfriend #1 cash hoping for a kiss, but she runs away with the money leaving him alone and upset)

George: For years they have worked in plain site destroying the human male little by little, but the methods have been a mystery, until now. This is Girlfriends In the Wild!

(Title card: Girlfriends in the Wild with George Zazz: Wilderness Expert)

(Anthony plays as Boyfriends #2-5)

Low-Selfesteemus
Boyfriend # 2: Come on! Are you almost done?

George: Here we see the human male attempting to lure this subspecies of girlfriend known as the Low-Selfesteemus from her nest. (He starts observing)

Boyfriend # 2: (Knocks on the door) Come on! The doctor says my grandma only has a half hour to live.

Girlfriend # 2: (Opens the door)  You know I can't go out looking like this. I barely have any makeup on.

Boyfriend # 2: Come on baby; you look great!

Girlfriend # 2: You are an asshole.

(She slams the door and boyfriend's fingers got stuck to the door making him feel pain trying to slip his fingers off )

George: Never try to compliment the Low-Selfesteemus. It will only serve to agitate her further.

Boyfriend # 2: (Spots George as he was backing up and then runs away) Hey! What are you doing in my ho-?!

(Title Card: Girlfriends in the Wild with George Zazz: Wilderness Expert)

Deleted Scene
George: It will only serve to agitate her further.

Boyfriend # 2: (Spots George as he was backing up and then runs away) Hey! What are you doing in my house! Get out! Actually, can you help me get my fingers out the door?

George: (Comes back) Nope! I'm just going to steal your flowers. (Leaves after he steals them and laughs)

Boyfriend # 2: They're for my granny!

George: (Shows his middle finger) Bitch! (After that he leaves)

Talkalotimus
George: The common bedroom what should be a place for excitement and fun is quickly turned deadly with the talkative subspecies of girlfriend known as the Talkalotimus. (Starts observing)

Girlfriend #3: Oh my god, I had the craziest dream. Do you want to her it?

Boyfriend #3: Nope!

Girlfriend #3: Okay, so like it was me, Jerry; you were there but I couldn't see any of your faces. And Jerry started selling marshmallows which was so totally weird because he doesn't...

(Boyfriend puts a gun to his head as the girlfriend keeps on being a chatterbox)

George: As you can see, the douchebag males only escape from the Talkalotimus is through ritual suicide.

(George gets on the bed and the boyfriend notices)

Boyfriend #3: Hey what the f**k?! (Starts shooting at George while he runs away)

(Title Card: Girlfriends in the Wild with George Zazz: Wilderness Expert)

Alternate Scene #1
Girlfriend #3: I had the craziest dream. Do you want to hear it?

Boyfriend #3: Nope!

Girlfriend #3: Okay, so like it was me, Jerry; you were there...

"Later on"Girlfriend #3: And we were at a pizza place for some reason and Jerry started selling marshmallows...

Even later on

Girlfriend #3: It gets weirder, you then ask me if I want to taste some of Jerry's marshmallows and I'm like (grossed out) No way; I'm allergic to that plus the color freaks me out. It reminds me of our fluffy kitty cat.

Alternate Scene #2
Girlfriend # 3: Okay so it only gets weirder because Dr. Phil shows up and he tells us we all got issues in our lives that we need to re...

Boyfriend # 3: Do we all have sex with Dr. Phil; that is all I hear about.

Girlfriend # 3: (sighing) Let me get to that point. Okay honey, pace yourself. It was great though, mustache-rides. You know the whole the whole words.

Boyfriend # 3: Were they free?

Girlfriend # 3: Certainly not! Do you think Dr. Phil would be free? Come on now.

Alternate Scene #3
Girlfriend # 3: Can I get back to my story?

Boyfriend # 3: Okay.

Girlfriend # 3: Thanks. Great. So anyways, Dr. Phil shows up and starts guilt-triping on all of us.

Boyfriend # 3: Do we get to touch his bald head?!

Girlfriend # 3: Yes! All of us. You, me, and Jerry. It was great; it was so shiny and sweaty.

Boyfriend # 3: Who's Jerry?

Girlfriend # 3: Umm! Hey hon, actually do you want to turn something on T.V?

Alwaysonadietus
(George observes the Alwaysonadietus and her boyfriend)

George: The human feeding ground is always a bloodbath when it comes to the average girlfriend species known as the Alwaysonadietus.

Girlfriend #4: You know I can't have bread. I'm on a diet! (She throws the bread to her boyfriend) (In a seafood restaurant)

Girlfriend #4: You know I can't have water. I'm on a diet! (She splashes water on her boyfriend) (Outside of a Mexican restaurant)

Girlfriend #4: You know I can't see silverware. It makes me think of food!

(She throws the silverware at her boyfriend)

Boyfriend #4: Ow!

(Title Card: Girlfriends in the Wild with George Zazz: Wilderness Expert)

Exceptationus Gigantus
(The living room, where it seems a girlfriend is angry with boyfriend) George: The most unstable species is the Exceptationus Gigantus.

Girlfriend #5: You forgot today is our three year and second month anniversary?

(She slaps her boyfriend)

Boyfriend #5: Agh! Girlfriend #5: (Finishes reading Twilight) Why can't you be more like Edward?

(She slaps her boyfriend)

Boyfriend #5: Agh!

Girlfriend #5: (Finishes reading The Hunger Games) Why can't you be more like Katniss?

(She slaps her boyfriend)

Boyfriend #5: Agh!

George: The key with dealing this species is to have simple aversion tactics readywhen the threat arises.

George's Wife: There you are!

Pissedoffallthetimeus
George's wife: I've been looking for you everywhere. You're late for our anniversary dinner again.

George: Oh god guys! This is the worst species of girlfriend known as the Pissedoffallthetimeus or more simply known as...my girlfriend.

George's wife: I can hear you ass hole and I thought I told you I didn't want be on camera. It makes me look fat.

George: Baby, yo-you look great.

George's wife: Oh save it George and I'm assuming you are forgetting our anniversary.

George: Ahhhh; of course not! Umm; I was just wanting to surprise you with a surprise trip to umm, Utah.

(His wife felt suspicious)

George: I mean we'll we'll be going to Italy, where we'll be staying in a beautiful and very expensive...mansion.

George's wife: (Filled with happiness and starts to hug him) Baby; I love you!

George: You too.

George's wife: (Felt angry) Say it.

George: Uh, I love you too.

(George's wife starts hugging again and George chuckles fakely)

Giganticpussyasaurus
George's son (not Jacob): As you can see, my father has completely caved in all of this creature's demands. His species is known as the Giganticpussyasaurus.

George: I'm sorry sweetcheaks! I'll never say "no" to you again.

George's son (not Jacob): (sighing) Join us next time where my dad tries to grow a pair of freakin' balls.

George: Help. Please.

(Title Card: Whipped Boyfriends in the Wild with George Zazz: Sackless Bitch

Deleted Scene #1
George's son (not Jacob): (sighing) Join us next time where my dad tries to grow a pair of freaking balls.

George: You're grounded son.

Deleted Scene #2
George's son (not Jacob): ...freaking balls.

George: Not gonna happen. I had surgery. No more balls.

Deleted Scene #3
George's son (not Jacob): ...freaking balls.

George: I'll have to wait for them to drop.