WORST ID PHOTO EVER!/Script

(the mail man knocks on the door until Anthony opens it)

Anthony

Yeah?

Mailman

Special delivery for a Anthony Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Padi-Padildo.

Anthony

It's Padilla.

Mailman

Great, I just need to see your ID.

(Anthony shows the mail man his ID)

mail man: (laughs) Dude, you look like a puppy molester.

Ian: Who looks like a puppy molester?

Mailman: This guy; look at his photo.

Ian: (looks at Anthony's photo and sees laughs) You do look like a puppy molester.

Mailman: You know it only takes like five minutes in the DMV to change your photo; right?

Ian: Shshshsh, don't tell him that.

Anthony: (took his license back) YOU GUYS ARE DICKS! (runs away)

mail man: (opens the package) Woah sweet, an eye pad. (covers his eyes with the pad) Wow, this thing looks great; hey, I can't see anything at all. (laughs)

Anthony: (drives and talk in his thoughts) Ah, stupid Ian and that delivery guy. Let's see them make fun of my photo now. Sweet, an open parking spot right in front... (sees the DMV lady parking with her bike and got out of his car) Hey, what the hell? That was my spot!

DMV lady: Sorry sweetie, I was here first. Might as well park your car in the dumpster.

Anthony: That doesn't even make sense.

DMV lady: Your hair doesn't make sense.

(Anthony punches the lady)

Anthony (thoughts): No one makes fun of my hair.

In the DMV

(Anthony walks in and sees a line)

Anthony: (talks in his thoughts) Oooof course there's a line. (talks to the chicken guy) Hey, how long is this line suppose to take?

chicken guy: Oh, it shouldn't be more than a couple of minutes. Good thing I got this bottomless bucket of chicken to keep me occupied. (eats a chicken wing)

6 Hours Later

(the chicken guy finished his turn and got a fatter)

chicken guy: Okay, you're next bro dude. (goes to the driving course)

Anthony: Hey, I just need to change (sees the DMV lady) MY PANTS! Photo, I-I need to change my photo.

DMV lady: Oh, so now you want me to do something for you?

Anthony: Well that's your job, isn't it?

DMV lady: Oh that's your job, right? (lifts the keyboard) You-you, press this keyboard all day and do everyone's work. (puts the keyboard) No!

Anthony: Okay, can you uh, change my photo or not?

DMV lady: Sorry hon, you have to retake your driver's test.

Anthony: Why?

DMV lady: Because all you sick puppy molesters are required to!

Anthony: I never molested a puppy.

DMV lady: Have you ever touched a puppy before without its permission.

Anthony: Okay who ask permission before petting a pup?

DMV lady: Listen sir, I don't wanna hear about your little puppy molestations. In fact it grosses me out to the extend that I just barfed in my mouth a little bit. So go out there and retake your driver's test. GET OUT OF MY FACE! NEXT!

In the driving test line

Anthony: (sighs) How long is this suppose to take?

chicken guy: This part's super quick; don't worry about it! (eats more chicken)

6 More Hours Later

(a girl ran away crying from her driver's test)

Anthony: Alright go ahead, your up.

chicken guy: (looked even fatter) Screw it! I can't even fit in a car anymore! (leaves while breathing)

(Anthony gets in the car)

Anthony: Alright, let's do this!

DMV lady: Hello, sweetie.

Anthony: Ah! (talks in his thoughts) It's okay Anthony, you just have to drive. You do it all the time.

DMV lady: One more thing, you have to do the whole test (gets a puppy) without molesting this puppy.

Puppy: Pet me, Anthony.

Anthony (thoughts): Don't pet that puppy Anthony; don't pet it.

puppy: Oh, I'm so adorable.

Anthony: Must not pet the puppy.

puppy: Pet me.

Anthony: DON'T YOU DARE PET THAT... (pets the puppy and talks out) Damn it!

DMV lady: Ha, I knew you were a puppy molester. You failed!

Anthony: Please, just let me take this driver's test. I'll do anything.

DMV lady: Anything?

In Anthony's house

(Anthony is wearing underwear and holding a sponge)

Anthony: I don't know if I can go through with this.

DMV lady: If you want your license, you better start scrubbing. (sees him scrubbing her bike) Ah, that's nice. Rub it on real slowly.

Mail man: Why is he in his underwear?

DMV lady: Why not?

Mail man: True. This is the best first date ever.

Anthony: Huh?

(the DMV lady took Anthony's picture)

Later on

(Ian sees Anthony's new ID)

Ian: Dude, you look like a bike molester now.

Anthony: Ah, s**t. (throws his license down)

Alternate Scene
(In the DMV line)

chicken guy: Good thing I got this bottomless bucket of chicken to keep me occupied. (eats a chicken wing)

Anthony: You like drumsticks in your mouth? It's really good.