HOW TO DUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND!/Script

Introduction
ANTHONY

Have you ever been so completely in love with your girlfriend that you just knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Me neither! So I'm gonna tell you how to dump that b**ch!

(Anthony says the titles, except the ending)

Insult Her Style
IN THE CLOSET

(The girlfriend dresses up as a cow)

GIRLFRIEND

How do I look?

ANTHONY

You look like a cow?

GIRLFRIEND

Well f*** you, a**hole! (leaves)

NARRATOR

Great!

Play World of Warcraft
By the kitchen

Anthony: (plays World of Warcraft) Alright, let tanks get aggro before you start DPS. EveryNoob, don't stand in the fire! CutOkay goddammit, I need a healer up here or...

girlfriend: (sneaks by Anthony) Whatcha doin'?

Anthony: SHUT THE F*** UP, I'M RAIDING!

narrator: WOW!!!

Cheat on Her
girlfriend: (talks on the phone) Hey, free for dinner?

Anthony: (talks on the phone) Uh, no sorry um, I'm-I'm busy tonight. (talks in a higher-pitched voice) Oh Anthony, I love you so much! (talks normal) Oh, I love you too new girlfriend. Uh yeah, I'm so super-busy tonight. (talks in a higher pitched voice) Oh, come over here and let me give you a blow(turns to his girlfriend)owowowowtorch?

narrator: BUSTED!

Over Text Message
(Anthony says the title after "Do an")

In the bedroom

(Anthony sends the text message to his girlfriend)

girlfriend: (reads the message) You want to break cups with me?

Anthony: DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!

narrator: iPHOWNED!

Always Mention Your Ex
girlfriend: (seems to do something sexual) You like that?

Anthony: Brenda did it better, but whatever.

girlfriend: You know I never learned how to tie a double knot!

narrator: SHOE NOOB!

Act Like a 5-Year-Old
By the kitchen

girlfriend: Alright, I get the joke. Stop it.

Anthony: Alright, I get the joke. Stop it.

girlfriend: I mean it!

Anthony: I mean it!

girlfriend: My name is Anthony and I'm a douche.

Anthony: My name is Anthony and I'm a douche.

girlfriend: Oh my god, I can't take this anymore! (walks away to a window) Copy this, you son of a bitch! (jumps out of the window)

(Anthony gives a thumbs up)

narrator: SUICIDE BONUS!

Fake a Pregnancy Scare
At the couch

Anthony: The condom broke.

girlfriend: (gets surprised for a little bit) Wait, we never had sex.

Anthony: Then explain why I'm pregnant!

narrator: CONGRATULATIONS!

Alternate Scene
Anthony: There's something we need to talk about.

Girlfriend: (fans herself with your hands) Okay. Can't believe this is happening.

Anthony: The condom broke.

girlfriend: (gets surprised for a little bit) Wait what? But we never even had sex.

Anthony: Oh, I got you confused with someone else. Okay sor, I'm sorry. (curses)

Never Talk to Her Again
At the park

girlfriend: Anthony, hi.

Anthony: Oh hey um, this is my wife, Meg.

girlfriend: Wait, what do you mean wife? I-I'm still your girlfriend.

Anthony: I-I thought completely ignoring you made it pretty obvious...

girlfriend: I have been waiting for ten years! (starts to turn around) Dick! (leaves)

(Anthony gives a thumbs up)

narrator: RUINED A LIFE!

Fake Your Own Death
In the house

girlfriend: (cries) Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

Anthony: Cause you're a b**ch.

girlfriend: Wait what?

Ian: (bends down) Sometimes the dead can send a message from beyond. You have beautiful eyes.

(Ian pushes away Anthony and makes out with his girlfriend)

Anthony: What the hell?!

narrator: SLOPPY SECONDS!

Playing Games (Deleted)
(Anthony and his girlfriend play Scrabble)

Anthony: There, how many points is that?

girlfriend: (reads) I hate you. You're illiterate and I'm taking a dump on you?

Anthony: No, it says, "I'M DUMPING YOU!"

narrator: TRIPLE WORD SCORE!

Ending
Anthony: If all else fails, be honest with her. (turns around) I-I just don't think things are working out. I-I just think we should breakup.

Girlfriend: Yeah I don't think that's a good idea.

Anthony: Why?

girlfriend: My daddy's a cop.

Anous: (appears from the closet) Stop right there, you're a great guy and have a stable job. Don't breakup with her!

Anthony: Oh-Oh I-I sorry, I-I just don't love her anymore.

Anous: BULLS**T! (repeatedly shoots Anthony) Bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang!

narrator: FINGER BANG'D!