MORTAL KOMBAT X (Honest Game Trailers)

(Clips of Street Fighter V are shown) Because Street Fighter V is still a year away, and Smash Bros. WiiU doesn't count, fighting game fans will have to tie themselves over with...Mortal Kombat X.

Pry the Cs of your keyboard, because Mortal Kombat is back, even though it's been back for awhile. But now it's even back-er, in the best Mortal Kombat experience since you beat your older brother in the MK2 machine in the back of the car wash. (Clip from Mortal Kombat 2 as Sub-Zero freezes Reptile, then hits him so hard he explodes) Take that, Craig!

Prepare for a deep, well-balanced action packed fighting game, but who cares? We know why you're really here, you sick f***s: Gore. Play the next generation of interactive snuff films with: Fatalities that treat blood like Gatorade, (Kotal Kahn crushes his opponent's heart, making the blood drip onto his face) Brutalities where you punch someone so hard in their dick that their eyes pop out. (One such Brutality is Johnny Cage punching Quan Chi so hard in the balls his eyes pop out)

Johnny Cage: Oh yeah!

Killer old lady projectiles. (Scorpion throws an old lady at Sub-Zero) And X-Ray moves that somehow don't result in instant death. (Takeda's X-ray is shown where he throws his cable into Cassie Cage's mouth which comes out the back of her neck, moves around behind her to kick her in the back, breaking her spine, then driving his heel into her skull, shattering it. After all of that, she just gets up like nothing happened!) Walk it off!

But it's not all about the gore though. Dive into an extensive story mode where the Teen Titans of Earthrealm search for a magical necklace (Shinnok's amulet) that will have you constantly pausing to look up their move list in this three hour cutscene interrupted by the occasional quicktime event, aggressively stupid line of dialogue...

Cassie Cage: You got Caged!

...And a tea party.

(Scorpion and Sub-Zero are sitting down having tea)

Sub-Zero: ...Grandmaster's plans, but Sektor had realized his father's vision. The Lin Kuei had been fully cyberized. (The announcer snores throughout the scene) I pledged to kill Sektor and his followers, reform the Lin Kuei and restore our honor.

Select your combatant from the next generation of fighters (Cassie Cage, Jacqui Briggs, Kung Jin and Takahashi Takeda), newcomers who look like they were designed by an angsty middle schooler (Erron Black, D'Vorah and Ferra/Torr), and your old favorites who are now just...really old looking. (Kenshi, Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade, Sub-Zero)

Johnny Cage: You lost, Coldilocks? (to Sub-Zero)

Okay, grandpa.

Head online to the ultimate Mortal Kombat challenge of fighting Scorpion over and over and over again, and do battle against lag so bad (A ping bar is shown being at the bottom), you might as well be drawing the match by hand. (One person is drawing Scorpion in orange marker while the other person draws Sub-Zero in blue marker) But it's all worth it when every victory earns sweet, sweet Faction experience which you can use to...uh, which you can use to...yeah, I don't know. They're about as arbitrary as Hogwarts points.

(Clip from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorceror's Stone)

Dumbledore: 472 points, Slytherin House.

So enjoy the latest from the franchise that started as a bloody gimmick (Scorpion performs his fireball fatality on Reptile), but grew into a really solid fighting game with a bloody gimmick, (Scorpion performing his X-Ray on Mileena is shown) and if that core game isn't enough, drown in an avalanche of extra content like...The Krypt, a store menu with jump scares for some reason. (A giant spider pops up on screen) Ah, (bleep)! Test Your Luck, the mode you play when you're drunk. Test Your Might, the fingerbang simulator. (Erron Black fails to break the item in front of him, which then makes bombs drop down and blow him up) Oh no, my hand! Damn it! What the hell?

And if you're a rich idiot who sucks at the game and life, spend $5 for 30 Easy Fatality tokens, which, I mean, seriously? That's worse than horse armor. (Interview clip of Ed Boon) You were doing so well, Ed Boon. (Zoom in on Ed Boon's eyebrows) Shame on you. And shame on your greedy eyebrows. (Greedy!)

Starring...

Nepotism (Cassie Cage), Not The Bees! (D'Vorah), Ermac-errrd, Kid Rock (Erron Black), Machamp (Goro), Jax-y (Jacqui Briggs), Getting Too Old For This Sh*t (Jax), John Cage Vandamme, Lasik (Kano), Pin The Sword On The Donkey (Kenshi), Fan Club (Kitana), Apocalypto (Kotal Kahn), Gay Hawkeye, or just regular Hawkeye (Kung Jin), Hat Trick (Kung Lao) My Teeth Are Up Here (Mileena), Megamind (Quan Chi), P.K. Thunder (Raiden), Chris Bosh (Reptile), Get Over It (Scorpion), Cammy (Sonya Blade), ALS Ice Bucket Challenge (Sub-Zero), Whip It Good (Takahashi Takeda), and Shinookie (Shinnok).

Mortal Kombat Times

(Sub-Zero's arcade ending is shown)

Did you know if you beat the game as Sub-Zero, he becomes Khaleesi.

Narrator: They accepted their Lin Kuei masters and their training as Kombat mounts. With a force of dragon riders, the Lin Kuei's ferocity became legend.

Oh, spoiler alert!