Magic Wipes/Script

Paul: (spills milk in the kitchen) Oh, no. Looks like you got a stain on your floor. There's no way you can get that stain out.

Paulie (chatters) Unless you have some magic! 

Later on

Paul

Hi, I'm Paul.

Paulie: And I his brother, Paulie, and pfese are...

Paul: No no, just do it again; no one can understand you.  

Take 2

Paul: Hi, I'm Paul.

Paulie: And I'm his brother Paulie, and thes...

Paul: No. 

Take 3

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Hi, I'm Paul.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: And I'm his brother Paulie, and these are P Prothers Magic Wipes.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Good enough, man. Good enough. <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">Back in the kitchen

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul

<p style="text-align:center;">It can clean anything like... (pours milk on the floor)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: (cleans up the mess)

<p style="text-align:center;">...ten percent milk on the floor.

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul gives a thumbs up) <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">In the living room

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul

<p style="text-align:center;">Smudges on shirts! (cleans the smudge on Paulie's shirt)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow, that's amazing!

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul shrugs) <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">By a window

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie (places his hand on the window)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hand prints on the window.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: (cleans the prints off)

<p style="text-align:center;">What the hell was on your hand?

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie

<p style="text-align:center;">Buttered popcorn; want it?

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: (backs away) No.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: Wanna smell it?

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: No! <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">Outside

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie

<p style="text-align:center;">Wipe lipstick on my hot girlfriend's mouth!

<p style="text-align:center;">Girl

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not your... (gets Magic Wipe on her mouth and turns into an Asian man)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul and Paulie <p style="text-align:center;">Unbelievable! <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">Somewhere else outside

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paulie holds a wiener dog)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: It's great for dog hair! (cleans the dog hair with a wipe)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: I guess you can teach an old dog new fur.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: That doesn't make any sense.

<p style="text-align:center;">(the dog runs away) <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">In the bathroom

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: Teeth! (puts the wipe on a homeless man's teeth) <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">Later on

<p style="text-align:center;">(the homeless guy is suffocating and Paulie moves while sitting acting anxiously)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul (gives CPR to the homeless guy) <p style="text-align:center;">YOU CAN'T PUT THOSE WIPES IN HIS MOUTH! AH! <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">In a Japanese place

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul

<p style="text-align:center;">You can use it on an Asian man's butt.

<p style="text-align:center;">Asian man

<p style="text-align:center;">What? (gets pushed down by Paul)

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul cleans the part of the pants covering the Asian man's butt)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie

<p style="text-align:center;">Clean as a baby's leg.

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Yeah there. Now nice and, nice and clean. Yeah. <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">In the kitchen

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: I know you're asking yourselves: "But what about the bigger stains...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: ...like...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: ...oil... (pours a bucket of oil on the ground)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: ...a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon! (pours a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: ...or the biggest stain, blood?" (cuts himself with a knife) Gah, oh, ah. Now watch the magic wipe get rid of the stains like magic. (tries to clean the stain off, but fails)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: (bends down and gets another wipe) Uh, it gets rid of it like magic. (tries to clean the stain off, but fails also)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: What are we gonna do?

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: Dad's gonna kill us when he gets home! (cries)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: I know, maybe we can cover it up with other stains.

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul and Paulie cover the stains with raisins, chocolate milk, honey, a piece of chocolate cake, scraps of paper, dust, and trash full of styrofoam containers with a banana peel)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: Okay, try now!

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Okay! (tries to clean the stain off, but fails again) Oh, we're super f***ed now!

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paulie finds candles and pushes one of them over on the stain setting it on fire)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Great idea! No one will know the stain on the carpet...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul and Paulie: ...if the house burns down! <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">Later on

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul and Paulie clean with the wipes)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: Magic wipes...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: ...are great for...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: ...cleaning fingerprints...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: ...and erasing incriminating evidence,...

<p style="text-align:center;">(Paul and Paulie back away from the fire)

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: ...but...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paulie: ...it can't help you...

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul: ...ESCAPE FROM A BURNING BUILDING!

<p style="text-align:center;">Paul and Paulie: AHAHAHAHAH!

<p style="text-align:center;">Choir: ''If tough stains might take your life  Then the best to the best, they're magic wipes.''

<p style="text-align:center;">Narrator: Magic wipes, they don't work, ever.