AMAZING NEW DRINK!/Script

narrator: Are you tired of pouring your own water? Are you tired of drinking the same water poor people drink? Well worry no more with our amazing new product, bottled water. Why get your water for practically free from your faucet when you can pay up to five dollars a bottle for our water?

Ian and Anthony: Yeaeaeaeaeaeah!

narrator: Plus all our bottles come adorned with pretty pictures of mountains and palm trees or anything you like.

Anthony: I like baseball!

Ian: I like zombies.

Anthony: Baseball zombies!

Ian: Lungfish.

Anthony: Quidditch!

Ian: Boobies!

Anthony: Thailand!

Ian: Green beans!

narrator: You know what they say, once you got bottled water, you'll never go back.

Ian: Go to hell faucet! (punches the faucet)

narrator: Bottled water can do almost anything?

Near the outdoors

Ian: Can it wash my car?

narrator: Of course it can!

(Anthony washes the car with bottled water)

Ian: Wow!

Near a building

fat man: Can it heal my shank wound?

narrator: Arba kadabra!

(Anthony healed the wound with bottled water)

fat man: Wow!

In the house

Ian: Can it make you fly?

narrator: Absolutely!

Anthony: (falls off the building) Wheeee! Ah! (crashes down and puts it in the recycling bin)

narrator: You can even recycle them and it'll probably go where everything else goes.

In a foreign country

narrator: Don't worry, that foreign country likes having our trash in their backyard. See how happy that child is to live in your waste?

foreign child: (speaks in a different language) F**k my life.

narrator: Bottled water is amazing! Just listen to these testimonials!

In an office

Richard: I used to spend too little money on tap water, now I spend up to ten thousand times more for bottled water. Boy was I stupid!

In a bathroom

Heidi: Pouring water from my faucet, that's why I drive my SUV twenty-five miles to the grocery store to buy bottled water.

In the streets

(Heidi almost ran over someone with his baby who cried)

In another office

Queen: After I switched, my boss stopped sexually harassing me.

Near a building

homeless guy: I drank so much bottled water, I pissed myself.

In the backyard of another building

Suzie: Bottled water brought grandpa back from the dead!

In a house

Amanda: I used to be a man.

Awomanda: I used to be a woman.

Tom: I used to not be pregnant.

Harry: I think bottled water is cool.

(the police come in)

police # 1: Freeze, bottled water police!

Harry: Wha-what did I do?! (gets pushed) Augh! WHAT THE HELL?

police # 1: (drinks the water and spits it out) Paugh! Just what I thought, he replaces bottled water with tap water!

Harry: I'm sorry, I just didn't wanna look poor!

police # 1: Too late.

(the policemen shoot Harry)

narrator: Some people say you save money and reduce waste by drinking faucet water, but those people are definitely drug addicts and seal clubbers.

Ian: So if you wanna be seen as a racist, sexist child molester who kills baby animals, then by all means, stay on that faucet water crap!

Anthony: But if you want huge balls,

Ian: All the girl and / or boyfriends you can handle,

Anthony: Huge balls,

Ian: Trained monkeys that make you toast,

Anthony: And abnormally large testicles,

narrator: Then switch to bottled water today!

everyone: Thanks bottled water!

Deleted Testimonial #1
(the workout person lifts a heavy weight bar)

workout person: Ten thousand. Straight up looks cool when you drink bottled water. See? (drinks water) I look f**king awesome.

Deleted Testimonial #2
Heidi: I only date guys who drink bottled water. Seeing a guy drinking faucet water is so gay.

Deleted Testimonial #3
goth guy: One time, I drank faucet water AND I DIED.

Deleted Testimonial #4
hooded guy: I always drink bottled water. If it wasn't for guys like me, people in foreign countries wouldn't have those awesome amount of bottles on their land. I'm so jealous!

Deleted Testimonial #5
woman: If it wasn't for bottled water, I wouldn't have anything to throw at Justin Bieber.

Extended Scene
(the policemen shoot Harry)

(the first policeman beats Harry up with a stick)

policeman #1: (gets up) Come on, let's get some burgers; freaking hungry. Kill me.

Deleted Scene
Richard: What are you waiting for? Get out there and buy bottled water; because paying five cents for a gallon of tap water is just plain i*di*o*tic. (laughs)