Food Battle 2012/Script

Introduction
(Anthony has a staring contest againist a stuffed cat until Ian stops the staring contest)

Ian: Ha! I'm back from the dead and I had all my rotting body parts replaced.

Anthony: Uh, what about that?

Ian: What are you ta-(sees his ugly left ear) DAMMIT!

2 months later

(Ian comes back again)

Ian: Alright! Now that I got everything fixed, I'm gonna-(sees his ugly nose in the mirror Anthony's holding) S**T!

2 more months later

(Ian comes back normal)

Ian: Okay, now I got everything fixed!

Anthony: Ugh, your face still looks really messed up.

Ian: That's my normal face, DICK!

Anthony: Oh. (gets up) WELL IN THAT CASE, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR STUPID PINK FORSTED SPRINKLED DOUGHNUT'S ASS WITH MY NEW FAVORITE FOOD (holds up his stuffed cat then takes an eggroll out of the cat) EGGROLL!

Ian: If you think your crappy crap eggroll can beat my pink frosted sprinkled doughnuts of awesome, then you're on, cock goblin! (eats his doughnuts with rage)

(Dramatic music is played)

Alternate Scene
When Ian comes to Anthony for the first time

Ian: ...and I had all my rotten body parts fixed.

Anthony: What about your nipple? lol jk

Ian: I don't need nipples. I'm a man and I don't need to shoot no milk out of them.bitch

Whistle
(At the table)

Anthony: Let's see your stupid doughnut be a whistle!

Ian: Alright, it's time for me to blow you doughnut. (tries to use the doughnut as a whistle but fails) X WHATEVER, F*** YOU GUYS!

Anthony: Yeah alright, let's do this eggroll! (blows the eggroll's stuffing on Ian's mom) Uh, sorry Ian's mom. (gets thrown out of the front door) WUAA! X

Fake ID
(At the table)

Anthony: How about let's-

Ian: (notices Anthony's cut) Woah, how'd you get that?

Anthony: I blew pork all over your mom's face.

Ian: What?!

Anthony: Let's just do a fake ID.

Ian: Okay!

(In the store)

Ian: Hello sir, I would like to purchase this alchomahol and here's my ID to prove that I'm of legal drinking age.

Clerk: Nah, I don't need to see that. You got a beard; you got to be what, fifty, seventy years old?

Ian: Uh, you know it! HAAAAA! ✓

Anthony: Good afternoon, sir. I would like to purchace this fine pornographic magazine.

Clerk: I.D.?

Anthony: Sure, I've got it right here.

(The Clerk looks at the eggroll, then Anthony. The Clerk then throws him out of the entrance to the store)

Anthony: WUAA! X

Alternate Scene
Clerk: I.D.?

Anthony: Sure. (Anthony flips the clerk off)

(everybody laughs)

Anthony: I don't have an egg roll.

Hot Prom Date
(At the table)

(Ian has his arms tucked in his shirt)

Ian: I bet my sexy doughnut can be a... (he tries to point with his teeth) I can't point. Point for me. (Anthony points to the same spot.) Yeah, a hot prom date!

Ian's mom: Let me get a picture of you and your date!

Ian: Okay! (He pulls out the doughnut and poses)

Ian's mom: You gotta be kidding me.

Ian: Well, at least I'm gettin laid, MOM!

Ian's mom: Finally!

(She takes the picture, labled 'Ian's first time') ✓

At a prom

(a prom date walks away from the Photographer)

Photographer: Next.

(Anthony awkwardly walks up)

Photographer: Where's your date?

Anthony: Well, the line was really long, so, heh, I ate her.

Photographer: Nice! ✓

Alternate Scene # 1
Anthony: Well, the line was really long, so, heh, I ate her.

Photographer: What flavor is she?

Alternate Scene # 2
Anthony: Well, the line was really long, so, heh, I ate her.

Photographer: I never got that far.

Alternate Scene # 3
Anthony: ... I ate her

Photographer: Is that, like, fifth base?

Alternate Scene # 4
Ian: You know what happens at prom dates, right?

Anthony: They get f**ked.

Ian: No, you buy 'em dinner

Anthony: Oh.

Ian: And you be really nice to them.

Anthony: And you put a corsage on 'em.

Ian: Yeah.

Anthony: Or do they put the corsage on you? I never know who wears the corsage.

Ian: Uh, I've never been to a prom.

Anthony: Yeah me either, I just put the corsage on my balls.

Alternate Scene # 5
Ian: I bet my sexy doughnut can be a... (he turns the page with his teeth) hot prom date!

Anthony: Ohhhh yeah.

Ian: Yeah, where the f**k are my arms?

Wedding Ring
(At the table)

(Anthony finds something)

Anthony: Ooh!

Ian:Ooh?

Anthony: Ooh!

Ian: Ooh?

Anthony: Ooh.

Ian: Ooh!

Anthony: Ooh.

Ian: Ooh!

Anthony: OOH! OOH!

Ian: OOH!

Anthony: Ooh.

Ian: OOH!

Anthony: Ooh!

Ian:Ooh!

Anthony:Oh.

Ian: OOH!

Anthony: Ew.

Ian: Ooh!

Anthony: Ooh!

Ian: Ooh.

Anthony: Ooh.

Ian: Ooh!

Anthony (with a drawn on moustache): Ooh.

Ian: Ooh.

Anthony: A wedding ring.

Ian: Ooh.

(At the kitchen)

(Ian kneels to propose)

Ian: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend #1: Oh my God!

(Ian reveals the doughnut, the girlfriend is not amused)

Ian: Do you like it?

(The girlfriend throws up on Ian)

Ian: Augh! X

Ian: Pfft. Whatever.

(He eats the doughnut)

Ian: Not the first time I've been barfed on after proposing.

(At a chapel)

Minister: Do you have the ring?

Anthony: Yeah, it's right here.

(Anthony slips the egg roll on her finger)

Girlfriend #2: Eww! The wedding's off!

(The girlfriend runs off) X

Anthony: Babe, wait!

(The minister looks around then eats what's left of the egg roll)

Masturbator
(At the table)

Ian: Hey bitch, let's do a M********ur B******!

Anthony: Oh my God, yeah!

(At the pool)

Ian: Alright, you ready for this doughnut? I know I am.

(CENSORED)

Ian: Myeah! ✓

Anthony: I've never done this outside before but, whatever. Hastag YOLO!

(Not going to say, sees it's broken in half)

Anthony: What the f***ing s***?! X

Wings
(At the table)

Anthony: I bet my eggroll would make great wings!

Ian: Yeah, and I bet your ass would make a great, (pauses for a moment) ass! (turns around and talks softly) I'm so stupid.

(At the playground)

Anthony: Alright eggrolls, give me the power of the Chinese dragon! Dragon powers! (jumps off the swing) Woah hoho! (hits his head with the jungle gym and falls) X

Ian: Anthony might have failed, but my pink little friends won't let me down. (licks the doughnuts, jumps off of the swing, and sings in his thoughts)

''I believe I am able to fly And that I can go up to the sky. Sometimes I think about it all the time To trim off my arms and fly up in the sky.''

(Anthony starts to get up and then Ian crash lands on him) X

Redneck: I knew I shouldn't have voted againist gay marriage.

(After this is when Anthony switched bodies with Ian)

A Bandage for a Life Threatening Wound
Anthony (now in Ian's body): How about... a bandage for a life threatening wound?!

Ian (now in Anthony's body): Okay!

(Anthony screams when Ian woke up)

(At the playground)

(Ian's mom is disguised as Anthony)

(Anthony pukes out doughnut)

Anthony: Alright doughnut, let's block some heavy bleeding. (gets his gun and aims at Ian's mom disguised as him)

Ian's mom: What?! Why don't you just try that on yourself?!

Anthony: Nah, I don't feel like it. (shoots Ian's mom and tries to heal the wound)

Ian's mom: It's not working!

(Anthony fails to heal the wound) X

Other's Result: No Contest

Ending
Anthony: Oh well, looks like you're gonna die, and I'm gonna win Food Battle this year! (laughs)

Ian's mom: But, you can't win Food Battle unless that announcer guy says so, and he died last year.

Anthony: What are you talking about? He's right over there.

(Ian's mom turns around)

Food Battle News Reporter: Hey guys!

Ian's mom: (turns back facing Anthony in Ian's body) But that's impossible! I saw him die!

Anthony: Well no duh, idiot! Nothing makes sense in Food Battle.

Ian's mom: Oh yeah. (sounds like he's choking) Mike Tyson. (dies)

Anthony: Yes, hehe.

Ian: (pops up by Anthony) Ha! Ha! You didn't kill me; you killed your mom in a mask.

Anthony: No.

Ian: Yeah! And now it's time for YOU to die. (giggles) But there's one more thing; I'm not Anthony. I'm...(takes off the mask) Ian! (laughs)

(Anthony in Ian's body shows Ian his new face in the mirror)

Ian: But, how? I mean, I know I'm Ian, but- THIS ISN'T A MASK!

Anthony: Hehe, your such an idiot, Ian! Earlier when we were knocked out, I woke up and I dragged your body to a laboratory!

(Anthony in the background put one part of the switcher to Ian's head while laughing and put the other part of the switcher on his Anthony's head)

Anthony: Then I had our brains switched. (Anthony switched brains with Ian in the background) So I am you and you are me. Hehahaha.

Ian: No. NO!

Anthony: Oh, and I also had your heart switched with your stupid pink frost sprinkled doughnut. (He laughs in the background in Ian's body while switching the doughnut with his heart that Ian holds)

Ian: Well, that's no biggy 'cause I know for a fact pink frosted sprinkled doughnuts make great hearts, you stupid i- (starts to die)  Waffle crisp. (dies)

Anthony: Haa, bitch!

(Later on)

(Anthony is doing PSY Gangnam Style)

Food Battle News Reporter: Ian; or Anthony! I don't know, that whole thing was really confusing. (stops Anthony) Anyway, you've just won Food Battle 2012! What are you gonna do now?!

Anthony: I'm gonna try a new body part switcher!

Food Battle News Reporter: Oh boy, a new body part switcher! Can I come?

(In the laboratory)

(Anthony puts one part of the new body part switcher on his penis)

Anthony: OOH!

Food Battle News Reporter: Why would you want to switch it to that?

Anthony: You'll see. (starts to switch his penis wih the stuff cats penis and laughs) Cat d**k.

Alternate Scene
(When Ian starts to die)

Ian: Kate Winslet. (dies)

(Another version of Ian dying)

Ian: Large area ordeals. (dies)

(When Ian's mom starts to die)

Ian's mom: Duck funny. (dies)