If Holidays Were Real/Script

Introduction
Anthony: (sighs) C'mon Ian, Hurry up!

(Ian comes out, dressed like a leprechaun)

Ian: (groans) St Patrick's day is so dumb! Do Irish people even believe in these stupid leprechaun crap?

Anthony: Okay, I know it sounds a little crazy, but all holidays are like that. Can you imagine how stupid it'd be if holidays were actually realistic?

Christmas
Santa: AAAH WHAT THE HELL I'M F***ING STUCK!!!! F***ING MOTHER F***ER! (starts to burn by the fire) AAH!

Easter
Billy: This Easter Egg Hunt is so cool!

Billy's friend: I've got jelly beans in mine!

Billy: Where does it come from anyway?

(They hear grunting and go to investigate)

Easter bunny: (poops egg) Happy Easter!

(Billy's friend vomits out the jellybeans)

Thanksgiving
Miles: I think the both of our (waves to himself) peoples (carries his two hands) working to-get-her can benefit (waves around) e-ve-ry-one.

Squanto: (goes to Massasoit) Why is he talking like that?

Massasoit: I think he might be mentally challenged.

Squanto: That explains the stupid hat.

Halloween
(Billy wears a Pikachu costume)

Billy: Pika-pika! (Empties out the candy) I got so much candy!

Mother: Check every piece of candy before you eat it young man. You know there might be razorblades in there.

Billy: Come on mom, when has anybody ever... (ate a razorblade in the candy and shoots out blood) Bleeh!!

New Year
Girl: I wanna make out with someone and blame it on being drunk!

Chinese New Year
Chinese girl: 我想用的人，把它归咎于醉 ！ (I wanna make out with someone and blame it on being drunk!)

Columbus Day
Mr. Ball: Okay class, Christopher Columbus definitely intended to find Amercia, he definitely found Amercia first, and he definitely wasn't responsible for the savage murder of all of the Natives.

European student: (holds a gun) Good. Good

Valentine's Day
Date: I love you more you snooker doodles.

Anthony: Nm.

Date and Anthony: You're so cute!

Date: I love you.

Anthony: No I love you.

Date: I love you.

Anthony: I love you more.

Date: I love...

Anthony: More.

(They kept on talking while Ian is Forever Alone)

Mother's Day
Anthony's dad: So, what'd you get me for Mother's Day son.

Anthony: (laughs) You're not my mom.

Anthony's dad: (puts his face closer to Anthony's face) Or am I?

Harry: Uhmmm? i am going to the toilet.

Outside in the neighborhood

Anthony's dad: (talking on the phone) Yeah that idiot totally bought it. I'm getting a Father's Day and a Mother's Day gift this year! (stops talking on the phone and yells) YEAH!

Narrator: LIFE HACK!

Birthday (Deleted)
(Anthony was at the house with a cake)

Anthony: Happy birthday man.

Ian: Well are you gonna sing the song to me or what?

Anthony: (sings) Happy birthday to...

(The audio has been removed due to a copyright claim)

April Fools' Day (Deleted)
(Anthony is in the room with Ian that he killed and Sergeant Anous comes along)

Anous: Stop right there killer!

(Anthony checked the calendar seeing that it was April 1st)

Anthony: April Fools.

Anous: Haha. Good one! You know, have a nice day you two. (Leaves) April Fools, what was I thinking.

(Anthony gave a thumbs up)

narrator: MURDERRIFIC!

Ending
Ian: Yeah, I guess that would be pretty dumb.

Anthony: Told you.

Ian: Well, I'm gonna pinch some people for not wearing green. (pinched Anthony) Pinch! Hahahaha! (leaves)

(Ian walks out)

leprechaun: (talks on the phone) Will you tell that bitch, Tinkle Bell, she better have all me money, and in gold. (keeps talking)

(Ian sees the leprechaun)

Ian (thoughts): Oh my god, leprechauns are real!

leprechaun: (still talks on the phone) I had twenty bucks on Notro damna lou...

(Ian catches the leprechaun)

Ian: Caught you leprechaun, NOW TAKE ME TO YOUR GOLD!

leprechaun: Ooh dang it! All right, (opens the truck of his van) get in there.

Ian: (gets in the van) Okay.

leprechaun: Go on, I'll get you some gold. (Gets in the van and closes it)

Ian: So where's the gold?

(The leprechaun unzipped the bag)

Ian: Why are you unzipping that?

(The leprechaun laughs)

Ian: Oh my god, no! NO PLEASE, NO! OH GOD, ANTHONY! Please stop, it hurts!

leprechaun: What's wrong, boy?

Ian: The gold coins are hurting my hands!

(The leprechaun stopped giving Ian gold)

leprechaun: Well at least you got some free money.

Ian: I certainly did!

Narrator: Always trust a man in a Big White van.

(The leprechaun gave a thumbs up with a smile)