Beef 'n Go/Script

(An interview with Anthony is shown.)

ANTHONY: Hi, I'm Anthony Padilla. Are you the kind of person that just loves meat, but is always on the go? Well, I know I am.

(A dramatization of old products Anthony used is shown.)

ANTHONY: For years, I've searched for an easy way to eat steak and other meat products with my on-the-go lifestyle. But products like Quickie Steak, were too inconvenient, while other products like Meatball Necklace, were just plain messy.

(Camera cuts back to Anthony. A disclaimer saying "Contains growth hormones and estrogen." is then shown.)

ANTHONY: That is, until I found Beef 'n Go. Beef 'n Go is a mostly natural, one-hundred percent ground beef meal for the person on the go. Well, I can take beef and go anywhere.

(Camera cuts to Anthony on his on-the-go lifestyle, and him doing errands)

ANTHONY: It works great as a snack when I'm running. Or, when I'm running late to class. It's also great for when I'm doing my daily errands, like shopping at the strip mall, or, driving to the strip club.

(Camera cuts to Anthony)

ANTHONY: But I'm not the only one that enjoys Beef 'n Go.

(Camera cuts to a photo of President Obama and Hilary Clinton)

ANTHONY: Here's Barack Obama, ready to wolf down some Beef 'n Go at a presidential debate. Hilary looks pretty jealous, doesn't she?

(Camera zooms in on Hilary, then cuts to a picture of Tom Cruise)

ANTHONY: And here's Tom Cruise, introducing Beef 'n Go to the Church of Scientology.

(Camera switches to Britney Speares)

ANTHONY: Our photographers snapped this photo of Britney Spears getting out of a car with Beef 'n Go in hand. Oh yeah, and her vagina's showing.

(Camera cuts to Spears' groin with "Censored" wordmark)

ANTHONY: Did I mention that Beef 'n Go can help improve your social life? Just listen as my friend tells you all about it.

(Camera cuts to Ian, apparently a five time Olympic Gold Medalist, doing some weightlifting)

IAN: One... *heave* Two... *heave* Oh, hey, you caught me working out. My name is Ian Hecox, and I've always struggled with my social life.

(camera cuts to a casually-dressed Ian)

IAN: That is, until I found out about Beef 'n Go. I never thought a tube full of beef would score me so many chicks.

(Two women walk in to the scene. Ian asks them if they want Beef 'n Go.)

IAN: You ladies want some Beef 'n Go?

(Both women look to each other and nod approvingly. They are then given a glass full of Beef 'n Go by Ian, and they lick it up.)

IAN: And the great thing about Beef 'n Go is, there's always enough to go around. So, go ahead, share it with those hot chicks! They're just bound to love it. And love you!

(Camera cuts outside to a room, where it is revealed that it is only a commercial. Anthony does not look too happy, while Ian is holding a tube of Beef 'n Go in hand.)

ANTHONY: Ugh, can you please remind me why we did this commercial?

IAN: Oh, let's see...does free Beef 'n Go for life sound good to you? Yeah.

(Camera cuts back to TV, showing a reporter interviewing the founder of Beef 'n Go. Camera later cuts back to Ian nodding approvingly.)

REPORTER: We're here with Roy Lee Jenkins, founder of Beef 'n Go. Now, I hear that in order to give your beef a very distinct flavor and consistency, that you keep your cows on a strict diet. Is that right?

ROY: Yes, uh...we feed them wheat grass, and wheat grass only.

(Camera cuts back to Ian, who is nodding approvingly)

ROY: Oh, and horse testicles.

(Camera cuts back to Ian and Anthony.)

IAN: Beugh!

(Ian spits out all the Beef 'n Go in his mouth, making Anthony feel disgusted. Camera cuts to Beef 'n Go promotion card, with two cows.)

COW 1: (sings) Beef 'n Go is really neat, it's the best food that you'll ever eat!

COW 2: (rapidly) Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, uncontrollable bladder or internal bleeding. If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, please contact the Guinness Book of World Records.