Cream Cheese and Other Things

"Yeah? Well, I bet taquitos could do more everyday tasks in this catalog than your stupid pink frosted pieces of crap!"

- Anthony to Ian.

Cream Cheese and Other Things is a catalog on Smosh, known primarily for its role in Food Battle.

Description
Cream Cheese and Other Things, originally titled The Buy Something Catalougue, is a catalog owned by Anthony Padilla, which he and Ian used in their annual Food Battle competitions from 2006 to 2016.

"Food Battle 2006"


Anthony is reading his catalog while eating a taquito in the middle of a park when Ian approaches him and insults his favorite food, prompting Anthony to challenge him to see whose favorite food can complete more everyday tasks then the other. They proceed to attempt to use the taquito and Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut as a plunger, socks, a telescope, an airbag, a cigarette, a ballpoint pen, liptick, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and pool floaties.

"Food Battle 2007"


When a soaking wet Anthony returns from the grave to confront Ian, they partake in another Food Battle. This time, looking through the catalog, they proceed to attempt to use a pink-frosted sprinkled donut and a stick of celery as an oven mitt, a squeegee, a knife, a pogostick, a tool for robbing a defenseless person, a tool for "fishing for people", and a steering wheel.

"Food Battle 2008"


When Ian returns from the grave to challenge Anthony to another Food Battle, they proceed to attempt to use a pink-frosted sprinkle donut and a churro as sunglasses, a delicious smoothie, an anti-theft device, a pink-frosted sprinkled donut, an explosive, and "a weapon that can be thrown thirty feet away and kill somebody". Ian's Mom also makes an appearance in the catalog, visible in the corner of a page behind two cardboard boxes.

"Food Battle 2009"


When Anthony returns from the grave to challenge Ian to another Food Battle, they proceed to attempt to use a donut and burrito as a toothbrush, a shovel, a wig, a video game, a boomerang, a mind control device, and "edible food".

"Food Battle 2010"


When Anthony returns from the dead and challenges Ian to a rematch, they proceed to use a donut and Red Hot Chili Pepper as a helmet, a bulletproof vest, a nightstick, poison (during which Ian accidentally rips out the page), a flamethrower, a teleportation device, and contact lenses. Midway through, Anthony suggests that they "do" Sarah Jessica Parker and makes a "Your Mom" joke at the expense of Ian's mother, to Ian's chagrin.

"Food Battle 2011"


When Ian returns from the dead and challenges Anthony to another Food Battle, they proceed to use a donut and Rainbow Lollipop as a skateboard, deodorant, scissors, a GPS, a blow-up doll (until Ian backed out upon seeing Anthony's confused face), a time-travel device, a magic wand (which Ian selects by poking his index finger through his pants hole, terrifying Anthony), and a gun.

"FOOD BATTLE 2012!"


When Ian returns from beyond (and gets all of his rotting body parts fixed or replaced), he and Anthony enter another Food Battle, attempting to use a donut and eggroll as a whistle, fake ID, "hot" prom date, wedding ring, what appears to be a masturbation aide, wings, and bandage for a life-threatening wound (initially turning the pages with the catalog resting on Anthony's supposedly unconscious body, and gets thrown back after Anthony sits up and accepts the challenge).

"FOOD BATTLE 2013"


After Ian and Anthony mutually decide to have a rematch after the previous year's Food Battle, since neither of them remember with certainly who won after that battle's convoluted ending, they proceed to attempt to use Ian's prized pink-frosted sprinkled donut and Anthony's new favorite food, the Giant Gummy Snake, as a coffee mug, hypnotist (with Ian using his coffee-burnt hand to point), shin guards, a "hot girl" (with Ian using is broken and bloodied leg to point), a blanket to hide a dead body (with Anthony taking the catalog away from Ian so he can choose), a crystal ball, and money (with Ian about to point using his index finger through his pants until Anthony stands up and drops the gummy snake through his jeans).

"FOOD BATTLE 2014"
After Anthony returns from the dead yet again and convinces Ian to do another Food Battle, they proceed to attempt to use their respective favorite foods, with Anthony's new favorite being Rock Candy, as a bike seat, a smoke detector, a tampon (until Ian and Anthony mutually agree to try something else), a hacking device, an anal suppository, a iPhone, and Braille.

After the Braille challenge, Anthony chooses another challenge, but when he points at a page in the catalog, he finds that the entire page is coated in a purple liquid. He correctly infers it to be poison, but incorrectly speculates that when Ian was a child, he planted a "Brazilian poisonous Devil's breath tree" in his backyard and, thirteen years later, hired a private logging company to turn that tree into a thin, flexible paper, the kind used in most American catalogs. Anthony thinks that Ian timed this so, nine years into Food Battle, the poison in the pages would seep out, turning his catalog into a deadly weapon. Ian reveals that he simply drenched the page of the catalog in a huge bucket of poison.

"FOOD BATTLE X"


After Ian challenges Anthony to another rematch, they settle on the Food Battle Reporter's house as the site of the battle (as Anthony destroyed the previous two houses, where they proceed to attempt to use Ian's pink-frosted sprinkled donut and Anthony's new favorite food, the Chocolate Coated Banana, as a machete to shave one's beard "like a man", a fine wine (with Ian manhandling the catalog as he turns to the page), a baby (with Anthony using his foot to point), a bubble bath (until the Food Battle Reporter's Grandpa unintentionally provoke Ian and Anthony into backing out), track hurdles, a dating app (with Ian turning the page using his mouth), and a healthy smoothie.

"FOOD BATTLE 2016"


After nearly forgetting to do Food Battle for 2016, Ian and Anthony proceed to use their favorite foods, Ian's pink-frosted sprinkled donut and Anthony's Vegan Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut compete to see who can better perform as child one recently discovered they had with one's girlfriend in high school one now has visitation rights with, a clone (with Ian and Anthony getting confused by the presence of a clone in the catalog, questioning what kind of catalog they have been using and flipping over to see the cover), glue, a "dabbing Harambe" (with Anthony ripping a page out of the catalog and using it to kickstart a domino chain that results in a pointing hand prop lowering onto the catalog and pointing at the meme entry), and Christmas tree topper (with Ian knocking Anthony out of the chair before he can choose).