Guy's Guide to Being Manly/Script

Introduction
In a living room

(Anthony and two watch football)

sports announcer: Touchdown!

Anthony: Yeah, throw the ball!

Ian: (enters) Bros, do I look ready to party or what?!

Anthony: (speaks in his thoughts) Oh god, that outfit is hideous. But, will he get mad at me if I tell the truth? Ah screw it. We're all friends here, the guys would tell the truth too. (gasps and speaks out loud) Are you kidding?! You got freaking Moon Boots, you got three pop collars, and you got a long-sleeve shirt under a t-shirt! I mean what, are you stuck in the freaking nineties or what? (breathes heavily)

(the other guys stare at Anthony and then he runs away from them while crying)

Pat: (pauses the video) Has something like this ever happen to you? Don't worry, I'm here to help.

narrator: (talks as the words pop up to the screen) THE GUYS' GUIDE TO BEING MANLY!

The Guide
In the dojo

Pat: Scientist taught us that being manly is essential into keeping our penises from falling off. Trust me, it happened to my uncle when he watched the notebook four times in a row.

In a flashback

(Pat's uncle screams like a girl while holding his penis that fell off)

Back in the present

Pat: Today, I'll teach you how to stay manly around your guy friends: because the second your bros find that your lacking manliness, they'll devour you like a pack of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

In a flashback

Anthony: Alright, let's be real here guys. The new One Direction song isn't that bad, right?

(everyone stopped walking)

Ian: (points at Anthony) Kill him!

(the first bro punches Anthony and the three characters keep on beating Anthony while screaming like chimpanzees)

In the dojo

Pat: One of the most sensitive subjects between bros is how they compliment each other. Give them a compliment that is positive, but doesn't make it sound like you want to give them a little "heat to their meat".

Near the dressing room

Ian: (comes out of the dressing room while wearing a fancy suit) How do I look, bro?!

Anthony: You look fabulous.

(an X crosses over Anthony)

Anthony: I would tap that.

(an X crosses over Anthony)

Anthony: You look like an ugly piece of shi...

(an X crosses over Anthony; Anthony also threw up causing an X to cross over him)

Anthony: (talks in a fast pace) You look like a hot piece of ass!

Ian: What?!

Anthony: (talks in a normal pace) I mean you look like Spock's naked ass. (gets nervous for two seconds)

Ian: I was thinking the same thing bro!

Ian and Anthony: Yeah! (chest-bump each other)

(nine checks are on the screen and then disappear)

Ian: Oh, your nipples are hard bro.

In the dojo

Pat: How people perceive you is very important. As much as you may love your girlfriend, you can't show any of that crap to your guy friends. (concentrates on a yoga pose)

In a living room

(Anthony and his girlfriend are rubbing their noses towards each other)

girlfriend: I love you!

Anthony: I wanna name our baby Bernard.

girlfriend: It's a girl. (giggles)

Ian: (appears with two guys) Hey, what's up bro?

Anthony: (punches his girlfriend) Hey uh, ju-just my stupid girlfriend being a stupid girl.

bro #3: Yeah, girls are stupid!

girlfriend: (tries to get back up and silently talks) Ow.

(Anthony punched the girlfriend back down)

In the dojo

Pat: Body language is a big deal. Let's say you're hanging out at the club and you're single with ready to mingle; it maybe comfortable to sit like this.

In the club

(Anthony crosses his legs while the girls back away from him and the arrow points at his crossed legs)

club girls: Ew!

(an X crosses over Anthony)

In the dojo

Pat: But if you cross your legs like that, your just screaming, (talks in a girly voice) "I'm a little girly girl and I wish I was at a tampon party instead." F**k that s**t, here's some manly ways to sit: (talks as Anthony in the club does the sitting positions) the gigantic genitalia; the 90's heartthrob; the gargoyle; the overdone meme from 2011; the doggystyle; the air chair;

(Anthony falls down)

Pat: and finally, the reversal. If you've sat in one of these manly ways, chances are you've attracted a lot of hot-smoking babes. Now comes the ultimate test of your manliness,

At the club

(one of the girls grabs Anthony)

In the dojo

Pat: dancing. So make sure you only use the most manliness moves possible like these: (talks as Anthony in the club does the dances) the minor seizure; the runner; the creepy moolester; the Dookie Brown; the Chris Brown, seriously f**k that guy; the Neighbor; the Dick Cheney

Anthony (in the club): Oh, sorry, thought you were a bird.

Pat: the chainy dick; or the pay-a-black-guy-to-dance-for-you. And as everyone knows, the best way to acquire manliness is to absorb it from another man. Allow me to demonstrate. (grabs Anthony and tries to kiss him)

Anthony: Wha, no no no! MOLESTER! (runs away)

Pat: What?! I just wanted to suck out your manliness! How come...

(a cop tackles down Pat)

In a police car

Pat: Well, that's it for today's lesson. Join me next for Guys' Guide to Escaping a Police Car. (jumps out of the car from the window) Whee! (falls on the sidewalk)

(a different cop beats up Pat with a nightstick)

Alternate Scene
(the guys walk strangely)

Anthony: Come on guys, let's be real here. The new One Direction song isn't that bad, right?

(everyone stopped walking)

Ian: (points at Anthony) Kill him!

(the first bro punches Anthony and the three characters keep on beating Anthony)

Ian: How dare you say that?! You're suppose to like Slayer! Liar, you ratchet bitch!

(the two bros and Ian stop beating Anthony)

Ian: Who wants to go on a mustache ride?

bro #1: Let's go!

Ian: You're, you're the ride.

bro #2: Okay.

Deleted Scene #1
Pat: Sometimes even men gotta get their (wiggles his fingers) manicure on, but make sure you get something painted super manly.

In a living room

Anthony: Check out my nails bro!

Ian: Sick nail tits bro!

bro #3: (hugs Ian with one arm) Yeah, girls are stupid. (kisses Ian and stops hugging)

Ian: Yeah!

Deleted Scene #2
Pat (in the dojo): the YMCA.

Anthony: YMCA!

(a cop and construct worker pushes the girl away and dances with Anthony as the song continues)

construction worker: YMCA!

Pat (in the dojo): Uh, maybe don't do that one.