If Romantic Movies Were Real/Script

Ian and Anthony are in the living room, watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

RAMONA (ON-SCREEN)

Go, Scott Pilgrim, kick his ass.

IAN

God, I wish I had a girlfriend like Ramona Flowers. I would totally fight her seven exes to be with her.

ANTHONY

No! You definitely, definitely would not.

IAN

Uh, yah, I would. Real life love is boring as hell. I mean, just imagine it to be like it was just like the movies.

ANTHONY

Oh my God, man. I've gone over this with you with every single subject over like the past five years and we still don't get it! Okay, look: romantic movies would suck if they were like real life.

What Women Want
Nick Marshall: (reading Darcy McGuire's mind) You want to have... sex with me.

Darcy McGuire: Nope.

Nick: Dammit!

When Harry Met Sally...
Harry and Sally are on a romantic dinner in a restaurant

Sally Albright: (making orgasmic sounds) Uh... Uuuuuggh...

Harry Burns: You okay?

Sally: (shaking the table and faking an orgasm) AAARGH! Yes! YES!

Harry: I don't know her... (points to Sally, who is still making strange sounds, and gets out of the table)

Ghost
Molly Jensen is making out with a ghost, who is invisible and Oda Mae Brown comes in her room

Oda Mae Brown: Girl, what the f**k are you doin'? You nasty.

Molly Jensen: Is it in yet?...

Pretty Woman
Edward Lewis is in a park with his sophisticated friends

Edward Lewis: Hello there, ladies and gentleman. I'd like you to meet my very special guest tonight. Come here, Hon.

Vivian Ward: (coughs and comes to Edward) Hey. I got two for one special if any y'all want in. No mouth kissing, though.

Edward: She's precious, isn't she?

Romeo And Juliet
Romeo: Thus, with the kiss I die. (drinks a poison, then suddenly realizes Juliet is alive while he dies next to her) Ugh, this is so f**ked up!

Juliet: (over Romeo's dead body) Easiest breakup eve'r! 

Her
Theodore Twombly is seen humping his computer

Mannequin
Jonathan Switcher is humping a mannequin 

Marley & Me
Titles: Just kidding. You guys are sick...

Gone With The Wind
Scarlett O'Hara: What would I do? Where will I go?

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear... I don't give a damn. (he is about to exit the house, when a group of men concierges make fun of Scarlett)

Conciergies: OH!!!! YOU JUST GOT SERVED!!!!!!

(one of the men heads to the camera making fun of the audience)

Conciergies #1: What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! What'chu gonna do?!

The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Hooker/Vivian: (coughs and sits next to Andy Stitzer on the bed) Alright, sugartits, it's gonna be 10 dollars.

Andy Stitzer: (hands her $10) Sweet. I could've just payed for this the whole time?

Hooker: Well, if you bring me back in the eighties, it would have be 5.

500 Days of Summer
Tom Hansen: Global warming is not real, my ass!

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Andie Anderson and Benjamin Barry are having a dinner date 

Andie Anderson: Sometimes I poop when I sleep. (chuckles)

Benjamin Barry: (chokes on his food) NOPE! (gets off the table)

Fifty Shades of Grey
Christian Gray has locked Anastasia Steele in chains and he is showing her paint palettes

Christian Gray: Okay, we've already been through 49 shades. Please for the love of God, tell me this one works!

Anastasia Steele: It's perfect!

Christian: (throws the palettes in the air) Great! Now we can get to the creepy stuff!

Brokeback Mountain
Two cowboys are in a tent, sharing a romantic moment

Cowboy #1: It's terrible how we have to hide our love... I wish I knew how to quit you.

Cowboy #2: (pushes the other cowboy's hand away from his face) Uh, you know gay marriage is legal in like 36 days now, right?

Cowboy #1: Wait. What?

Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist open the tent door and see the cowboy couple

Ennis Del Mar: Fer the last time, no one cares!

Jack Twist: Yeah! We support your man love!

Cowboy #1: Oh...

Back in the living room
Anthony: See? I told you.

Ian: What? You know what? I'm not gonna let your criticism ruin my view of love. (pushes the table with his foot) Now good day, sir! (gets up from the couch)

Anthony: What?...

Ian: I SAID GOOD DAY! Hmph! (leaves the room)

Later at Ramona's...

Ian: (stays behind Ramona) Uh... (smells his breath and coughs from the bad smell while Ramona turns around to see him) Oh! uh...hi, Ramona Flowers! I was wondering... ah... can I be your boyfriend?

Ramona: Sure. But, first you have to defeat my seven evil Ex's.

Ian: Piece of cake!

In the next scene Ian is seen on the ground, beaten by Ramona's seven exes

Ian: OH! AH! AH! TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT! OW! AH!