If Apps Were Real/Script

Introduction
On the couch, Anthony plays Temple Run.

IAN

(looks at a photo of a hot girl on Instagram; gasps) This picture is so fake. No one looks this perfect getting out of bed in the morning.

ANTHONY

Yeah, but no one cares that these pictures are fake. Can you imagine how stupid it would be if all these apps were actually realistic?

Snapchat
ANTHONY

He lies on his back and sees dicks.

So many dicks! Why, Snapchat, WHYYYYYYY?

Candy Crush Saga
FEMALE NERD

(grunts while arranging candy) No. (grunts once more and then slams the table) Damn it! (slides the candy off the table) I'm never playing this stupid game again!

KING EMPLOYEE

(sneaks by the female nerd while talking in a creepy voice) I'll let you keep playing if you give me another dollar.

(the female nerd gives the King employee another dollar)

KING EMPLOYEE

(laughs) That's right sucker. (leaves)

Tinder
ANTHONY

I bang you!

(passes by a girl)

<p style="text-align:center;">I bang you!

<p style="text-align:center;">(passes by another girl)

<p style="text-align:center;">I bang you!

<p style="text-align:center;">(passes by a third girl)

<p style="text-align:center;">TINDER GIRL #3

<p style="text-align:center;">(stops) I bang you too!

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">(stops walking)

<p style="text-align:center;">Cool! I'm never gonna respond to you ever. I just wanted the satisfaction of knowing that you banged me. Goodbye! (walks away)

Grindr
<p style="text-align:center;">FABIAN <p style="text-align:center;">Hey Sebastian, do you wanna grind with me?

<p style="text-align:center;">SEBASTIAN

(approaches behind Fabian)

<p style="text-align:center;">Sure thing, Fabian. Let's do it.

<p style="text-align:center;">FABIAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright.

(Sebastian grinds raw meat into sausages while Fabian holds the meat down)

<p style="text-align:center;">FABIAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh looks good.

<p style="text-align:center;">SEBASTIAN

<p style="text-align:center;">You like that?

<p style="text-align:center;">FABIAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">Sebastian

<p style="text-align:center;">It's better when someone else does it, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">Fabian

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh-uh.

Pandora
<p style="text-align:center;">gangster <p style="text-align:center;">Aw I know you wanna listen to something new. So I see that you like Snoop.

<p style="text-align:center;">nerd

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">gangster

<p style="text-align:center;">And I know that you like Kanye.

<p style="text-align:center;">nerd

<p style="text-align:center;">I like the Kay-eh.

<p style="text-align:center;">gangster

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah so based on everything you like, here's a song from One Direction.

(sings The Story of My Life in a high pitched voice) The story of my life

I take her home!

Angry Birds
(a parrot is seen in a bird cage)

Tiny Wings
(a parrot is seen in a bird cage)

Flappy Bird
<p style="text-align:center;">narrator <p style="text-align:center;">F**K FLAPPY BIRD!

What he said was...
In a military base

soldier: (talks to his girlfriend on Skype) I'm never leaving you babe, no matter what. When I get home, I'm making you my wife. (cries) Sorry I'm, crying like a bitch.

But what she heard was..
soldier (in the military): I'm...leaving you...when I get home...bitch!

soldier's girlfriend: (gasps) Well now I feel less sad about banging your dad!

soldier's dad: Sorry not sorry! (smells the girlfriend's hair)

Maps
Anthony: (activates Siri) Siri, route us to our favorite pen store, Pen Island.

Siri: (routes Anthony) Now arriving at your destination.

Ian: (checks the location) Oh my god this isn't Pen Island, it's Penis Land!

Fabian: (jumps past the sign) Hey boys!

Sebastian: You wanna grind some meat with us?

Smosh
(2014 Anthony opens the app as light shines out of the phone)

2014 Ian: THIS IS THE BEST APP EVER!

2014 Anthony: I JUST S**T MY PANTS!

2011 Anthony: Hey, you already made a joke just like this in a previous If...Were Real video where you shamelessly self-promoted yourself!

2011 Ian: Yeah, you suck!

Uber
Uber Girl: Hey guys!

(Ian and Anthony get in the car)

Anthony: Whoa, we thought our Uber Driver would be another creepy guy with a mustache.

Uber Girl: Actually, we're all being kidnapped by a creepy guy with a mustache.

(Ian and Anthony starts to look at the creepy guy with a mustache)

creepy guy with a mustache: (points his gun at Ian and Anthony) Hey boys!

(Ian and Anthony scream in fear)

FatBooth (Deleted)
beat boxer : (beat boxes and approaches the fat man) Oh hey yo man, that FatBooth App made you massive!

fat man: What's FatBooth?

beat boxer: (backs away) Ee, this just got really awkward.

Ending
Ian: Yeah I guess apps would suck if they were realistic.

Anthony: Yeah, I know. (looks at someone doing yoga thinking it's a girl) Ohhh sweet dude, (bumps Ian using his elbow) check it out.

Ian: (looks at the same person doing yoga and thought the same way of the person as Anthony) Daaamn girl!

(Ian and Anthony stand up)

Ian (a.k.a. Like Guy #1): Like!

Anthony (a.k.a. Like Guy #2): Like!

Like guy #3: Like!

Ian, Anthony, and four other like guys: (stare at the person doing yoga) Like, like, like like like like like like like!

Yoga person: (looks at the guys) What the f**k are you looking at?!

The like guys: (realizes the person has a mustache) Unlike, unlike, unlike, unlike, unlike! (run away from the yoga person)

Fabian: (slides over to the yoga person) Like. (He kisses the yoga person on the nose.)

Yoga person: ....Ew.