YELP FOR PEOPLE!/Script

The following is the script for Yelp For People!.

Shut Up! Opening
Customer: The waiter didn't smile at me when she gave me food. One star.

Ian and/or Anthony: SHUT UP!

Episode
''INT - ANTHONY'S HOUSE with him doing some skateboarding with his fingers with some punk rock music playing in the background. Apparently, he's showing off to his friends. However, neither paid attention to him and were rather focusing on their phones.''

Anthony Padilla (AP)

Guys, what's going on? You didn't see my sick ollie.

Shayne Topp (ST): Oh, we're checking out our personal reviews on Yelp. I got five stars 'cause people like my biceps. I don't even work out, so...

Olivia Sui (OS): I mean, I got five stars, but that's only 'cause everyone thinks I'm this girl named Mari.

ST: (Shayne chuckles while speaking this line) Yeah, you look nothing like her.

(Shayne then leans closer to Anthony so he could whisper something to him.)

ST: That's not Mari. I have no idea who that is.

AP: Uh, what's my rating?

(Both Shayne and Olivia proceeded to check Anthony's rating. However, with ominous music playing in the background, it is clear that they discovered something horrible.)

ST: Oh, my god.

AP: What? Guys, what?

OS: We gotta go.

(Now, both Shayne and Olivia can be seen getting away from Anthony slowly.)

AP: What-What is it? Is it bad?

ST: Um, I'm really sorry. I-I can't be seen around a "one-star".

AP: One-star?! What the...? Guys, god... you gotta help me!

(Now Anthony is pleading for help.)

AP: Help fix my rating.

(Shayne is now standing around a corner while Olivia has left the room.)

ST: There is... one way.

(A moment of silence pass for a while.)

AP: You gonna tell me or what?

ST: Oh, yeah, you gotta call a guy.

(Suddenly, a screen transition is happening where it so happens that Max Maxson is introducing himself to the audience about what he does.)

Max Maxson (MM): I'm world-renowned dirtbag cleaner-upper, Max Maxson. There are dirtbags all over the world and it's my job to clean them up. This is Dirtbag Impossible!

(Suddenly, Max and his camera crew burst through Anthony's door.)

MM: (to Anthony) You must be the loser racist with the one-star Yelp review.

AP: I'm not racist.

MM: Let's get to it, you piece of... (suddenly directed to himself) ... s**t I left my cookies in the oven!

(Max then leaves to get his cookies out of his oven and then, another Dirtbag Impossible screen transition which involves someone getting out of a burning building is played. Suddenly, everyone is in the bathroom.)

MM: First issue, all your reviews say that you pee all over the toilet seat.

AP: No, I don't.

MM: Or do you?

(Suddenly, a faked video (although put as "Definitely real footage of Anthony") is played showing "Anthony" peeing everywhere in the toilet.)

MM (as voice-over): Make no mistake, this is real footage of Anthony urinating all over the toilet. He even got some on the sink handle, the soap dispenser, and some assorted creams. He even splashed a little wee on the bathroom attendant.

AP: That never happened.

MM: Oh, come on. Even my dog is potty-trained and he's a little... you know, the little white doggies with the little... Either way, you're just full of... (suddenly remembers the breed of dog he owns)... SHIH TZU! That's the breed of dog I own. (faces the cameraperson as he prepares to leave the toilet) How about we cut that?

(A third Dirtbag Impossible screen transition which involves a Shih Tzu and then the bathroom attendant being peed on then plays and then, everyone is in the kitchen.)

MM: No, no, the real problem seems to be in here.

AP: How? I-I keep the kitchen clean. I only eat healthy food.

MM: Or do you?

(a clock ticks as there is a slight delay. Eventually, the second faked video (although put as "Definitely real footage of Anthony") is played showing "Anthony" eating from the garbage.)

MM (as voice-over): Make no mistake. This is actual video footage of Anthony eating out of the garbage. Think of all the starving children in Africa that could've eaten that garbage. What a f*cking B-hole!

AP: Again, that's not even me.

MM: What are you talking about, you dirty old... country music... can you believe T. Swift used to play that genre of music? I mean, the pop's okay, but I think her real... (Max then leaves with a screen of the aforementioned singer)

(Then the fourth and final screen transition of Dirtbag Impossible plays which show Taylor Swift and an old lady as well. Apparently, Max and Anthony are on the streets.)

MM: Now the biggest issue people had with you is you're rude to people on the street.

AP: No, no, no. I help old ladies cross the street. I'm a good guy.

MM: Or are you?

(Another delay with a clock ticking happens.)

AP: Fine, whatever, play your stupid fake footage.

MM: Roll the clip!

(The third faked video (although put as "Definitely real footage of Anthony") is played showing "Anthony" murdering an old lady.)

MM (voice-over): Make no mistake, this is actual video footage of Anthony murdering an old woman.

AP (robotic voice): Ha. Ha. I am going to push you in front of the car, then you die.

("Anthony" then proceeds to push the old lady into the car, causing her to get run over and killed. A car honks just before it ran her over.)

AP (robotic voice): Ha. Ha. Ha.

AP (real world): Wait, play that footage back again. (the video plays again) Now pause. (the video is paused just as it shows "Anthony"'s face full on.) Okay, now zoom in on the reflection on my character's eyeball. (the camera whirls as it now shows "Anthony"'s eyeball much closer) Enhance. (the video is made much clearer, revealing Max to be the creator of the video) That's you in the reflection!

MM: No, it isn't.

AP: Okay, play the footage back again and this time filter out all the foreground soundwaves.

MM (echoed voice): Ha. Ha. I'm Max Maxson and I'm gonna ruin Anthony's life with this fake footage of Anthony pushing an old woman into the street. Ha. Ha. Ha.

MM: All right, fine! You caught me!

AP: Why would you do that?

(Shayne and Olivia suddenly returned.)

ST: Anthony, don't listen to this guy.

OS: Yeah, we checked his Yelp and he has a one star!

ST: Yeah, apparently he's been peeing on people's stuff and eating their garbage.

MM: Argh, and I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!

OS: We're not kids!

AP: Yeah, we're old enough to buy alcohol.

ST: And smoke CRACK!

AP: You know what? You guys can all kiss my big, British... (he suddenly looks up in the sky and sees an asteroid about to collide with them) ...ASTEROID!!!

(They all screamed as the asteroid collided with them.)

(There was a sudden explosion. Turns out God was watching in the heavens where he rated Earth with one star on Yelp.)

God: Frickin' earth, always full of ass...(suddenly falls down a hole) ...HOOOOLES!

Subscription ending
MM (voice-over): Hello, everybody. It's Max Maxson here to say thank you for subscribing. Click the video on the left to check out bloopers and this:

MM (in behind the scenes video): My name's Anthony and when I pee in the toilet I miss it.

MM: And click the video on the right to check out Every Halloween Ever.

(Content from that video is shown.)

OS: What are you?

Costume dresser 2: A slutty nurse. What are you?

OS: A slutty bee. (she then turns to face Shelby) What are you, Shelby?

Shelby: Gandalf?

MM: And if you have one of those fancy touchscreen devices, click all the links in the description below.