Doom (2016)

From the developers who had been trying to recapture the magic of the 90's for the past 15 years, (id Software), comes the reboot which probably should have been a sad last gasp for a dead series, but somehow turned out pretty awesome instead: Doom.

Prepare your chainsaw to rip through the furious hordes of Hell, as you close the portals to the underworld once again open on Mars, by shooting enough bullets, rockets, and energy blasts to turn every demon on the planet into a fine red mist, instead of preaching the good work of the Lord to non-believers, keeping the demons from existing in the first place. No? That wouldn't be as fun?

Step into the Halo suit of Doomguy, a human McGuffin they found buried in a giant coffin in Hell, as you awaken once more to stop the Hell on Mars yet again, all because some idiots (The U.A.C.) thought that Hell would make a good source of renewable energy (Argent Energy). You know, if you had to program your computers to warn you about demon invasions, maybe you just should stop doing whatever is you're doing.

Take on the role of the angriest game protagonist since Kratos (God Of War footage) as you punch, smash, and destroy everything that gets in your way, then rip your enemies to pieces with your bare hands, as Doom's Glory Kill system urges to turn all of your enemies into health pinatas, and the finishing moves push the limits of over-the-top gore, until you grab a Berserk power-up and find out that's they were hiding the real shit! (Doomguy rips Imp's head in half) Yikes!

Get ready for a first-person-shooter campaign that is as old-school as it is modern, with all the elements you loved about the original series, such as: sprawling levels filled with secrets; giant kill rooms packed to the brim with demons; running full speed at all times; pickups; the classic Doom weapons; and absolutely no reloading, then adds just the right amount of modern touches like: collectibles: challenges: upgrade systems: and nu-metal, to create a genuinely unique FPS experience that feels like the classic Doom sequel we deserved. Suck it Doom 3!

After you're done with the combo of old and new in single player mode that goes together like peanut butter and jelly, enjoy the combo of old and new in multiplayer that goes together like Skittles and fish. As Doom's classic, fast-paced game-play and pickup focused health system awkwardly slams into Call Of Duty's load-out and experience systems, plus Halo's team focused game modes and one time bonus effects, and a bunch of gimmicky demon forms, to create an unfocused mish-mash of old-school and modern that never quite gels together. But hey, at least the emotes are pretty good!

Then once you've gone through of what Doom has to offer, experience the paralyzing creative freedom of Doom's SnapMap mode: a deceptively simple map editor, with powerful tools buried just beneath the surface, that allows players to dream up a near infinite variety of unique game play experiences, and DOTA, but would mostly be used to recreate old Doom levels and make maps shaped like giant dicks.

So polish off your Super Shotgun, and get ready to play a franchise reboot done right, (Mighty No 9 footage) because in this age of nostalgia pandering, it's getting a lot easier to screw it up forever. But now that (footage of respective games) Doom, Mortal Kombat, and Wolfenstein are awesome again, the 90's are back baby! Break out the Jnco jeans and let's rollerblade!

Starring.. People Who Masturbated, (Possessed Engineer), The Covenant, (Summoner), Stay Still You Fucker, (Imp), Undead Pharah (Revenant), Hell-en Keller (Hell Knight), Here Piggy Piggy Piggy (Pinky), FUPA, (Mancubus), FUPA Wearing an Oculus Rift (Cyber-Mancubus), Asshole Orbs (Cacodemon), The Gains Demon, (Baron of Hell), Obvious Bad Guy (Olivia Pierce), and Dr. Scary Voice (Samuel Hayden) Heck.

Hey did you know there's a classic Doom level hidden in every modern Doom level? That's pretty cool right? Maybe next time they can make them not play like garbage in the new engine.