My Mail Order Bride!/Script

Anthony and Ian were having Spaghetti-O's in a restaurant and Anthony sees Ian upset)  ANTHONY

Alright dude! Wha-what's going on?! You always love your Spaghetti-O's.

IAN

I don't know. I just, I just feel like I'm missing something; you know? Do you think I need a girlfriend?

ANTHONY

Nah, you need more than that.

IAN

A fleshlight?

ANTHONY

What?!

IAN

What?

ANTHONY

No! Dude, what you need is a Russian Mail Order Bride. Check it out. Svetlana! Come on; no got all day!

(Svetlana appeared)

ANTHONY

Hey, honey. Can you come give me a back rub?

<p style="text-align:center;">SVETLANA

<p style="text-align:center;">Estop. Eh no English.

<p style="text-align:center;">Anthony: She always does this. Look, check. (positions her arms to his shoulders) There!

(Svetlana gives Anthony a massage)

Anthony: God. See dude, my life is pretty much perfect now. (Eats his Spaghetti-O's)

Svetlana: (Tals to Ian) Help, bad man, call police.

(Ian and Svetlana have a short face off)

Ian: You're right, I should go get one! Thanks man! (Leaves the restaurant)

Anthony: Have fun. Alright, (puts his leg up on the table) time for my leg waxing.

(Svetlana starts to commit suicide)

Anthony: I want this jungle-of-hair to be gone.

(Svetlana killed herself)

Anthony: Oh man!

At the house

(Ian talks to Siri)

Ian: Siri, find me a Russian Mail Order Bride.

Siri: Did you mean Mail Order Bride or Male Order Bride?

Ian: Uh, MAIL Order Bride.

Siri: Okay. Finding Russian Male Order Bride.

Ian: (doesn't realizes Siri's mistake) Thanks Siri.

2 Weeks Later

(Ian still talks to Siri)

Siri: I'm sorry. I do not understand what you mean by, "Why is my poop green?".

(Ian heard the door bell)

Ian: Mail Order Bride Day Siri!

(Drops the iPhone4S)

Siri: Ouch, that hurt, bitch.

(Ian opens the door and sees the bride as a male)

Vladimir: Happy wedding day my American love.

Ian: What the hell.

Vladimir: I am Male Order Bride Vladimir.

Ian: No I... No, this is not what I asked for.

Vladimir: Too bad, I come in. (Comes in the house)

In the road of the house

(Anthony is talking to his mom on the phone)

Anthony: Mom, I'll take out the trash later! Tah, hold on; I'm getting another call. (stops calling his mother and calls to Ian) Hey dude, what's up?

Ian: Anthony, my Russian Mail Order Bride is a (sees Vladimir vacuuming the living room) man.

Anthony: You spelled "mail" wrong; didn't you.

Vladimir: I bring you pot pie chicken.

Ian: (yells at Vladimir and slaps the pie) DAMN IT VLADIMIR, I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID FOOD! (Talks to Anthony again) Hurry Anthony, he's cooking me food and cleaning things that is really staring to piss me off!

Anthony: All right, I'll be right over. (Ended the call)

Ian: Hey, stop that!

Vladimir: (Gives Ian a pedicure) You like pedofile?

Later on at the house

(Ian opens the door for Anthony and the third Mail Order Bride)

Anthony: Alright dude, so here's what you gotta do if you wanna get rid of...

Ian: Woah, woah. Who's this?

Anthony: My new Mail Order Bride.

Ian: So you got a new one?

Anthony: Yeah, I've gone through several.

Ian: Then what happened to the others?

Anthony: They died.

(After the cutscene showing the old Mail Order Brides)

Anthony: So anyway, if you want to get rid of the Russian Male Order Bride out there, you just have to challenge him to a Poovi Dipev.

Ian: Whaaaat?

Anthony: It's Russian for talent show idiot! You see, they have to accept all challenges of Poovi Dipev.

Ian: Sounds legit. (Goes to the living room)

Anthony: (Talks to the third bride) You stay! (Goes with Ian)

In the living room

Ian: Alright Vladimir, I challenge you to Poopy Diaper.

(Vladimir doesn't understand)

Anthony: He means Poovi Dipev!

Ian: Uh, yeah. (Throws away the diaper) Anyway if we win, you have to go back to your stupid Russian place.

Vladimir: I accept. Prepare to be lose!

Ian: (whispers to Anthony) God, his grammar sucks d**k.

At the Poovi Dipev

(Vladimir starts his turn)

Vladimir: Clean flaw. Today I sing capitalist pig American national anthem. (sings in the tune of the national anthem) ''Oh hey can it be? '' Al my dogs in light bright.

And my Uncle Miguel said that Twilight is good book.

2 Hours Later

(Vladimir is still singing)

Vladimir:''And land of sheep! '' And the home of the (shrieks) great!

''(Puts down the microphone) You go now! You going to be lose. (blows a kiss)''

Ian: (talks to Anthony) You're ready for this?

Anthony: (talks to Ian) Let's do it!

(The stunt doubles start doing dance moves Ian and Anthony can't do on their own which Ian and Anthony only appear in stunts to help out the doubles)

Vladimir: Cannot do this. I cannot be lose! (Gets a gun) I cannot send me back to Mother Russia. (Shoots to stunt doubles) Hahahaha!

(Real Ian and Anthony sneaks up behind Vladimir which Anthony slaps away Vladimir's gun)

Ian and Anthony: Haha!

Ian: You just shot our stunt doubles!

Vladimir: Cannot believe I am lose. (Looks depressed)

Ian: Okay Vladimir, I'll let you stay,(starts sounding eery) on one condition. (Laughs evilly)

At the backyard

(Vladimir is being aim with balloons of pee while being naked tied up)

Vladimir: I love America.

Ian: I love being married.

Anthony: I love peeing in water balloons.

Ian: What?

Anthony: What?

Vladimir: What? (Gets hit by a water balloon filled with pee)

Alternate Ending
Ian: Okay Vladimir, I'll let you stay (starts sounding eery) on one condition.

At the kitchen

(Vladimir baked cookies)

Anthony: Dude, thanks for taking care of all my old brides Vladimir. (Eats a cookie)

Vladimir: No problem.

Ian: How did you get rid of the bodies anyway?

Vladimir: They are, how do you say, in cookie.

(Ian and Anthony spit the cookie out and Vladimir didn't mind the cookies thinking they were delicious)