Taylor Swift Dumped Me/Script

In the living room

(Ian and Anthony watch the news)

Anchor (in the television): This just in, Taylor Swift has released an entire album about her newest breakup. It's titled Anthony, I hate, hate, hate you, (tilts his head) you suck, (tilts his head more) you dirty sack of s**t go die in a fire! (keeps talking)

Ian: This Anthony guy is so stupid. I mean who would date Taylor Swift when she's just gonna write a breakup song about him?

Anthony: (puts his hand behind his head) Yeah uh. Whoo, (crosses his arms) this guy's an idiot.

Anchor (in the television): Here's a preview of her first song.

Anthony: (grabs the remote) Here dude, we're just gonna watch something else.

Ian: No! (slaps the remote out of Anthony's hand) You know I love me some T Swift.

Taylor (in the television): (sings) ''He was a prince  And I was his queen,  Love at first sight  If you know what I mean?''

Anthony: Dude, this is actually really good.

Taylor (in the television): Screw you Anthony-y-y!

''Pants always full of pee-ee-ee.  You cried when your goldfish died  Like a little pussy.'' Screw you Anthony-y-y!

(Ian dances to the song)

Anthony: (giggles) This is dumb. (changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) ''I remember at the theater where we met,  The first time.  You ran out the movie hecka wet,  The pants kind.  Then you asked for a napkin to wipe it up '' '''Cause you dropped some "water" on the front of your pants. ''

(Ian stares at Anthony)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) ''Ooh, ooh ooh ooh!  Everyone knew the "water" was pee.  Ooh, ooh ooh ooh!  Pissed yourself while watching Paranormal Activity.''

Ian: What kinda idiot pees himself during Paranormal Activity? I barely even cried during that movie.

(Anthony gets frustrated and changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) ''I knew you were a pussy when I saw you  Dancing to my songs  Dressed up in high heels and my thong  With my face tattooed on your butt.  Oh, no! '' ''Why the hell is it on your butt?!  I, know!  Woah.''

(Ian looks at Anthony's butt with the Taylor Swift tattoo on it near the end of the song)

Anthony: (covers his butt cheek and gasps) Dude, why are we even watching this? (changes the channel)

television narrator: You are now watching Cooking Time with Fanny McGee. (plays the video)

Fanny (in the television): And now we finally prepare these amazing Hawaiian Bread rolls which smell delicious.

Anthony: (breathes deeply) Oh thank Jesus there's no way this station could play any...

Fanny (in the television): What do you think Taylor?

Taylor (in the television): Ha, they remind me of my ex boyfriend Anthony and his crappy-wannabe six pack. In fact, here's my new title called Anthony and His Crappy-Wannabe Six Pack. (pulls a guitar out of her behind and sings while playing the guitar) ''He thought he had perfect abs.  Drew them on with a sharpie.  Looked like a douche...''

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings while punching a dummy that looks like Anthony) Screw you Anthony-y-y!

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings to metal music) ''CRIED WHEN YOUR GOLDFISH DIED  LIKE...''

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings while playing the guitar) I'd catch him stealing superhero costumes from all the little kids.

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): your naked body.

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (plays the reggae while singing a Jamaican song) Screw you Anthony-y!

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) Wearing all my clothes and dancing to my...

(Anthony in the music video dances to the song while real life Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings while playing the guitar) And cutting out the a-a-a-abs

(Fanny lip-syncs and Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings while flushing the goldfish in the toilet) cried when your goldfish died

(Anthony in the music video complains about the goldfish while real life Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) nasty-y

(Anthony in the music video dances to the song while real life Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings to metal music) LIKE A LITTLE PUSSY

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings) Gave you hepatitis C. (shows a piece of paper of how she got hepatitis C)

(Anthony changes the channel)

Taylor (in the television): (sings a Jamaican song while playing the reggae) It's pretty much (Ay) incurable. (keeps singing)

Ian: Dude this is so weird! I mean these songs about this "Anthony" guy kinda sound like they're about you.

Anthony: Pfft, no! You know me better, I would never date Taylor Swift; and if I did, she would be like on her knees begging for me to never leave her.

Taylor (in the television): (sings while playing her guitar) ''And just in case  Anthony tries to say, "It ain't so,"  I secretly taped our breakup on video.'' (plays the video)

Anthony (in the breakup video): (begs on his knees while yelling and crying) Please don't breakup with me! I'm on my knees begging for you. Taylor, you're the love of my life! Plea(notices the camera and stops crying) Is that, is that a f***ing cam...

Anthony (at present time): Okay, maybe I briefly dated Taylor Swift one time like really briefly, okay?

Ian: Seriously, I would never date Taylor Swift. I have a little thing called "standards".

Taylor (in the television): (sings while playing her guitar) ''One last thing.  Before I come to an e-e-end.  I cheated on Anthony  With his amazing best friend, He's got the greatest bowl-cut hair, ' ''And thighs oh so meaty,  He's better than Anthony,  And the only one for me ever.''

Anthony: (sees Ian kissing Taylor) What the hell?!

Taylor: (sings while playing her guitar) ''Sorry Anthony-y-y,  But you do really smell like pee-ee-ee.  And I'm with Ian now  'Cause his thighs are so meaty.'' (talks) And his butt cheeks are totally firmer than yours.

Ian: Ohohoh, I love you babes.

Taylor: And I love you, forever and ever.

(Ian giggles)

Narrator: Two hours later...

Anchor (in the television): Taylor Swift has just released a new breakup album. It's called Ian is the worst boyfriend ever (tilts his head) and his butt cheeks aren't even that firm after all; (tilts his head more) they're kind of like a loose lump of lard.

Ian: (cries while wiping himself with paper towels) I just miss her so freaking much. (covers his face)

Anthony: Did she really give me hepatitis C?

Taylor (in the kitchen): (pops out from the sink) Yep!

To See More and Thanks for Subscribing
Anchor: This just in, if you wanna see deleted scenes and bloopers from this video, click the video on the right. And if you wanna get the Ultimate Breakup Medley including all the songs from this video, click the album mark with Taylor's ratchet own face. Well, I'm just gonna wait here for you to subscribe. In the meantime, Taylor's gonna list off all the guys she's broken up with.

Taylor: Let's see. There's Jake, Joe, Zack, Billy, Vince, Taylor, John, Harry, Larry, Carrie, Beary, Jerry...

anchor: F*** it, there's way too many people to keep track off! I'm just gonna end the video right now.