I Have a Secret Son/Script

[Smosh video starts in the kitchen where we see Anthony microwaving his underwear]

Anthony: Ah, I don't care what anyone says. (puts on his underwear) Warm undie balls are the best!

Antoinette: Come on, Kwan. Let's find that son of a bitch!

[In his room, Ian has sex with a cutout of Fabio; fully-clothed]

Ian: (mumbles) I'm in love, Fabio. (hears Antoinette and Kwan entering his room and stops mumbling) What the hell?!

Antoinette: Hello, Ian.

Ian: Antoinette.

Antoinette: Who's that bitch?

Ian: She's your replacement and she's a way better kisser than you ever were. Plus, her cleavage is straight-up bonerific! And who's that, your hot-new-muscular-bigger-stronger-manlier-sweatier-gurthier-new boyfriend?!

Antoinette: Actually, (camera zooms in to her face) he's your son!

(Ian, Antoinette, and Kwan gasp as it shows a close up of all their faces. As it gets to Fabio, he says nothing)

Antoinette: I know, right?

[In the living room, both Ian and Anthony are standing up while Antoinette and Kwan are sitting on the couch]

Ian: How old is he?

Antoinette: He's thirteen.

Ian: He looks like he's thirty!

Kwan: Hey! I got a thyroid condition, you dick.

Ian: Sorry,. . . son. Um, so what do you need me to do?

Antoinette: Well, I just need you to get off your dead-beat ass and start paying some child support up in here!

Anthony: Okay, okay, hold up here. First of all, no thirteen-year old would have a freaking beard! And second of all, he's black!

(Antoinette and Kwan gasp)

Ian: You racist son of a bitch! (punches Anthony)

Anthony: (falls down) AGH! OH!

Kwan: (talks in a higher, quieter voice) You get him daddy!

Ian: I'll do anything you want Baby-Cakes, I won't be a dead-beat dad anymore!

(Jeff sings Best Dad in the World while Ian's feeding Kwan apple sauce and reading a book in bed while also only concentrating on what Jeff says)

Jeff: ''Ian is the best dad there ever was  Even though he still believes in Santa Claus.  He'll feed you applesauce and read you books in bed.  When he was a child, his mama dropped him on his head, yeah, yeah.''

[Back in the living room, Ian sits down on the right of the couch with a mug with the words #1 Dad along with his shirt he's wearing. On the left, Anthony is seen reading a SMOSH magazine]

Ian: Man, being a dad is tough, but, I'll tell ya what, it is rewarding. (takes a sip from his mug)

Anthony: Are you serious? He is not your son!

Ian: Uh, yeah, he is! Antoinette and I have held hands so many times.

Anthony: (rolls his eyes) Oh, my God. You have no idea how babies are made, do you?

Ian: Yeah, I do. (Title card: How Babies Are Made) So babies happen when a man (a drawing of a man) meets a woman (a drawing of a woman), and if they really like each other, they hold hands. (close up on the hand) Specifically, their right hand. The sweat from their excited hands enters each other's pores, and then the woman gets fat, and, three weeks later, a baby pops out of the woman's belly button.

[Back to reality]

Anthony: So you're basically saying is you're a virgin, and she's totally lying to you!

Ian: N!-B!-T! Anthony, this is my family now! You can't tear us apart!

Antoinette: Yeah, let's get out of here.

(They then hold each other's hands and Ian realizes something)

Ian: Oh, my God. It's always my left hand!

[In a flashback, Ian and Antoinette are flirting, holding left hands]

Antoinette: Oh, you! (Ian mumbles) Oh, you!

[In a different flashback Ian and Antoinette are playing a video game, holding left hands]

Antoinette: No, that's my pony!

Ian: No, you're letting Twilight Sparkle escape!

[In a different flashback, Ian and Antoinette are chopping lettuce and carrots holding right hands]

Antoinette: AHHHH!

[Back to the present]

Ian: You never held my right hand! Which means I could'a never gotten you preggers!

(Antoinette gasps)

Kwan: Alright, alright, this whole thing was my idea. Anthony, Antoinette, I'm sorry I lied to you two.

Ian: What about me?! I changed your f***ing diaper!

Kwan: I just wanted to get close to you two, because I'm your father.

(Antoinette, Ian, Anthony, and Kwan gasp as it shows a close up of their faces as it gets to Fabio, he says nothing)

Anthony: What?! That's not possible!

Kwan: Oh, it's possible. I held your mama's right hand in the 80's.

Anthony: Are you kidding me?! You can't get pregnant by holding someone's hand! Look, (grabs hold of Stevie with his right hand who comes in out of nowhere) I'm holding Stevie's right hand, AND NO ONE IS GETTING PREG-! (In the hospital, Anthony lays in a hospital bed, pregnant. Staring down on his huge belly until Stevie comes into the frame to rub his belly)

Stevie: Our baby's gonna be so cute!

Anthony: F*** OFF, STEVIE!

(Title card brightens the scene and shows the words FATHER OF THE YEAR! while on the bottom shows the words of Jeff singing)

Jeff: ♫ ''Anthony's the best dad in the world. ''♫

Stevie: ♫ ''Held hands with me and made a baby girl. ''♫

Jeff: F*** off, Stevie.

[end of the video]

Deleted Scene
[On the driveway]

Anthony: (walks to the car and sees Kwan trapped in the car) Oh, hey man. Seems pretty dangerous to lock yourself in a super hot car with all the windows rolled up. Oh, (snaps his fingers) are you using it as a sauna to get in shape? Dude, you are a freaking genius man! (drinks the water bottle and sees Kwan pointing at the water bottle thinking he's pointing at his pants) What? You like my, pants? (sees Kwan acting like he's drinking "something", thinking Kwan's a pervert) Augh, you sick pervert! (backs away) Augh!

[In the house]

(Ian brings a golden statue of a beaver to the dining table)

Ian: Okay, how is this solid-gold beaver gonna help us raise our son?

Antoinette: Oh, what do you know about raising a child? You don't know nothing, duh!

Anthony: (enters) Kwan, just tried to hit on me.

Ian: Oh yeah, where is our little Kwan baby?

Antoinette: Oh, I just left him in the car.

Ian: What?! (gets up) No! No, Kwan! (on the way out, he pushes Anthony making him spill his bottle's water)

Antoinette: (gasps) Get back here and massage my cute feet!

[On the driveway]

Ian: Nononononono! No! (opens the car) No! (picks up Kwan's head) My Kwan baby, I'm so sorry! I promise from here-on-out, I'll be the best father ever.