Every Local News Ever

"Every Local News Ever" is the 204th Every Blank Ever episode released in Smosh on July 19, 2021.

Description
This just in— the world sucks and everything is terrible. This is EVERY LOCAL NEWS EVER!

This video was shot with a very limited crew. All cast & crew followed all CDC and California COVID-19 precautions and filming guidelines.

Intro
The news reporters (see Cast) of Blandview 3 News are introduced. The narrator (Damien Haas) claims that Channel 3 news is for useless small stories that only make you feel like your neighborhood is completely unsafe.

Anchors #1
Meredith Waters (Kimmy Jimenez) and Roger Rabbit (Ian Hecox) have a nice chat before they announce the headlines.

Headlines
 * Meredith: "Okay, a headless dead corpse was found in the bottom of a well early this morning. Officials say the body has not been but it was 100% strangled."
 * Roger: "And in other news, a new report finds that puppies are cuter than babies, to me."

Weather #1
Dallas Woods (Courtney Miller) marks some areas of Blandview that have high-speed winds and some heavy rain and sleet. Roger observes that what Dallas drew looks like boobs, angering the latter.

Field Report #1
Kent News (Shayne Topp) explains that the Blandview strawberry parade, which has no one participating this year, exists because the strawberries don't even walk in it.

Sports News
Boris "The Football" Johnson (Damien) announces that:
 * "the Bulls playing the Lakers"
 * "Canyon Elementary School, here at the division two soccer field for ages six and under"
 * "It has been an absolute bloodbath! Timmy Mathis has already taken a potty in the cooler twice now, earning him a red card, because as we all know, around these parts, the cooler is for orange slices and Capri Sun only! Rest in peace, Dunkaroos!"

Since there's no local sports news to annouce, The Football gives his...

...Personal News
A dog has been found in The Football's yard, humping his birdhouse. The dog previously humped the mailbox, and after humping the birdhouse, it went to the shower.

Traffic Report
Alison Raniere (Olivia Sui) reveals that there was bumper to bumper traffic on Silver Lane Street because a pigeon gave birth. Meredith isn't sure if it was a live birth.

Anchors #2
After 64 years, the Blandview library is closing due to budget cuts, caused by the librarian, Libby Resnick, who hid the money in her mouth.

Weather #2
Dallas marks the southward storm in what Meredith and Roger claim looks like poop. Dallas barks at the anchors.

Field Report #2
Kent reports that no one is enjoying the strawberries at the parade.

Anchors #3/Crime Report
34-year-old Jeff Chantis (Damien), the latest victim of the Blandview strangler, was found at the bottom of a well. His corpse was apparently dumped there by the Blandview strangler him herself, who's police sketch looks a lot like Meredith.

Weather #3
Dallas marks the cumulus clouds rolling through in a very oddly specific pattern in what looks like "THE EARTH IS FLAT." When Meredith notices this, Dallas rants, claiming that it's science, and barks again.

Field Report #3
Kent interviews Farmer Stuart (Damien) about the parade, claiming that he has the best strawberries in all of Blandview. Kent isn't okay.

Script
Every Local News Ever/Script

Cast

 * Ian Hecox as Roger Rabbit
 * Courtney Miller as Dallas Woods
 * Shayne Topp as Kent News
 * Damien Haas as a narrator, Boris "The Football" Johnson, Jeff Chantis, and Farmer Stuart
 * Olivia Sui as Alison Raniere
 * Kimmy Jimenez as Meredith Waters

Crew

 * Director: Courtney Miller
 * Written By: Olivia DeLaurentis and Sydney Heller
 * Editor: OnJonet Williams
 * Executive Producer: Ryan Finnerty
 * Head Writer: Monica Vasandani
 * Production Manager: Alicia Gaynor
 * Production Coordinator: Jacqi Jones
 * Production Assistant: Heidi Ha
 * DP: Brennan Iketani
 * Camera Operator: Jonathan Na
 * Sound Mixer: Greg Jones
 * Art Director: Cassie Vance
 * Art Coordinator: Yasmeen Mughal
 * Art Assistant: Alex Aguilar
 * Wardrobe: Lena Frostestad
 * Assistant Editor/DIT: Matt Duran
 * GFX: Brittany Metz, Winton Foulds
 * Content Manager: Kiana Parker
 * Stage Manager: David Hill
 * Executive Assistant: Sammie Miller