Food Battle 2014/Script

FOOD BATTLE 2014
 COLD OPEN Ian shows up in front of camera

IAN

 Okay. Uh, hey guys. Uh, I know you're super excited for the Food Battle. Um, but I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of growing over the past year and... I just... don't think I can do it again; I've become way to mature, so I think i'm just completely done with Food Battle.

ANTHONY

F*CK THAT! I just came back from the dead and now you randomly want to end Food Battle?

IAN

 I'm just way too mature now.

ANTHONY

Uhh, you're literally reading from a poop joke book.

IAN

Look man, I'm just over all this Food Battle... sh*t and to be honest, you're kinda being a crappy friend. Now, if you excuse me, this whole conversation is making me.. a little bit pooped.

ANTHONY

(chuckles) Screw that. We're doing this right NOW, BITCH!

IAN

But we can't do it right now; we're not in the right house and I don't have my pink frosted sprinkled do- Oh.

(Out of nowhere, Anthony has Ian's donut Later, Anthony throws it to him.)

IAN

(sigh) FINE! (munching slowly)

(shows crappy Food Battle 2014 logo)

(Anthony rejects donut)

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

That is NOT how you do it and you KNOW IT! Allow me to show you with my new favorite food: rock candy.

(snarfing)

(Shows real Food Battle 2014 logo. But Anthony gags afterwards)

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

(gags)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah! Oh, my God. That is so much harder than it looks.

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">(whispering)

<p style="text-align:center;">That's what she said.

Bike Seat
<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's do a BIKE SEAT!

(cut to Ian and a bike) <p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright, donut! This is gonna be so easy!

(Ian sits on the dount seat and the tube goes up his anus. He screams after that.)

Result: X

(Cut to Anthony, who is slightly nervous and on the same bike) <p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay.

(Anthony sits on the rock candy seat and the candy penetrates his anus. However, he fakes his real emotions.) <p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, this doesn't hurt at all.

Result: ✓ (It should have been a X due to the pain of the RC seat)

(Anthony is in pain after sitting on the rock candy.)

Smoke Detector
<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright – Ow, OW. Let's just do a smoke detector.

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Come on, you green, sugary piece of diabetes! Let's detect some smoke!

<p style="text-align:center;">Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

<p style="text-align:center;">Result: X <p style="text-align:center;">