Retarded Cats: The Movie/Script

The Idea
(The executive's office)

Executive: I'm so sorry, my beautiful family. I've failed you... and I failed my company.

Narrator: When a man with no options left...

Executive: (opens the container of pills) Goodbye, cruel world!

Unanmed employee #1: Sir! (runs to the executive, causing him to spill the pills) Sir, I found the funniest video ever!

Narrator: ...Has the greatest revelation of the twenty-first century.

Unnamed employee #1: It's called Dopey Cat. Just look at its cute, dopey face! And get this. This deformed cat is making that guy so much money, he quit his job.

Executive: My God. We need to tell the board about this right now! (The Board Room)

(The other employees pack up)

Executive: (enters) I know how we can save this company.

Unnamed employee #2: How?!

Executive: Retarded Cats.

Narrator: He'll stop at nothing to make it happen.

Executive: Retarded Cats count for billions of dollars in revenue every single day on YouTube. If we can find a way to create a gene-altering drug that make cats retarded, we'd be sitting on a gold mine. No. A retarded cat mine.

Narrator: But when another man has an issue with wording...

Larry: "Retarded" is too offensive of a word. Can we call them something like, "Special Cats" or "Mentally Unstable Felines"?

Executive: We don't have time for your Politically Correct bulls**t right now Larry! These Retarded Cats are our ticket out of bankruptcy!

Narrator: ...He'll take a stand.

Larry: Oh, how about we call them "mentally disadvantaged furry friends"?

Executive: Dammit, no, Larry! Now let's go make some Retarded Cats!

The Execution
(A lab)

Scientist #1: The new formula worked!

(Second Scientist showed a stuffed cat with googly eyes as it meowed)

Scientist #1: We finally created the world's perfect Retarded Cat!

Executive: Get this drug into mass production right now! I want a thousand of these Retarded Cats by next week! (The Board Room)

Executive: I'm happy to announce that Retarded Catamine is now the number one selling drug in America. Yes!

Unnamed employee #2: Yeah!

Unnamed employee #3: Woo!

Larry: NO! No, I refuse to be a part of this! All you had to do was give it a non-offensive name, but no! You just wouldn't listen to me.

Executive: You're standing in the way of progress, Larry! So either get on board, or get out!

Larry: You'll regret this decision. (leaves the Board Room)

Executive: There's no way any of us are gonna regret this decision, right?

Narrator: He'll make them regret their decision.

The Uprising
(Larry's office)

Larry: I'm gonna make 'em regret their decision! (downloads the formula while laughing)

Narrator: They should've listened.

(Executive's office)

Unnamed employee #1: (runs to the executive's desk) Sir! Larry's stolen the formula!

Executive: Oh God. If everyone gets their hand on this drug, every cat in the world will be retarded.

(The office hues a dark shade of red and an alarm goes off)

Executive: Oh no, it's begun.

(the cat sneaks up on the desk)

Unnamed employee #1: Aw! Look at that retarded, cute cat.

Cat: (jumps on the employee's neck) Meow!

unnamed employee #1: AHHHH!

Executive: Oh God!

Narrator: They should have listened. (A lab)

Scientist #1: (gets a bloody hand) AHHHH!

narrator: They really should have listened.

(Employee's office)

(The Executive checks for the cats and finds a cat eating the second employee and hissing)

Executive: I told him we'd regret this decision!

Larry: (has cats surrounding him) Hahahaha!

narrator: Oh God! They should've f***ing listened!

(In the hallways)

(The Executive runs to a strobe effect, kicking a cat into a wall in the process. A cat tries to bite his neck, but he rips the cat off and punches it repeatedly)

Ending
(In an office)

Larry: (holds a gun) All you had to do was call them something Politically Correct.

executive: They are. Retarded! Cats!

Larry: Actually, if you tried looking it up in a dictionary for once, you would see that retarded is defined as slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress. These cats are more developmentally disabled than anything and society needs to STOP! MISUSING THE WORD "RETARDED"! It's the same thing as the word "gay". Everyone's like, "Oh, that's so gay," or, "Don't be so gay!" and it's really starting to piss me off!

(The Executive throws a cat at Larry's face)

Larry: AHHH! (drops his gun on the couch) AH, YOU STUPID, GAY, RETARDED CAT! AHHHH!

(The Executive grabs the gun and shoots at the camera)

Narrator: Retarded Cats: Catpocalypse! (talks faster) Coming to theaters whenever people stop misusing the words "retarded" and "gay". (talks normal) So... Never.

Deleted Scene
executive: These Retarded Cats are our ticket out of bankruptcy!

Unnamed employee #2: Johnson, move all to teir-one divisions to work on the Retarded Cat drug.

Johnson: But the AIDS division's on the verge of developing a cure. Maybe we can move the Penis Enlargement Division instead.

Unnamed employee #2: No! That department is way too important to... some people. But nobody gives a f**k about curing AIDS!