DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!/Script

"''' DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!" Script '''

Narrator: Once, there were two young men, Anthony and Ian, and they expecting a very important package in the mail.

Anthony: C'mon Ian, it's probably in our mailbox by now!

The two of them exit the house.

Ian: I don't get why we have to drive to get our mail. Is it really that hard to put a little hole on everyone's front door?

Ian and Anthony stand in front of their cars.

Ian: Alright, who's driving?

Anthony: I don't know, you wanna drive?

Ian: Not really, can you just drive?

Anthony: I drove last time!

Ian: No you didn't!

Anthony: Yeah, I did.

Ian: Uh, no you didn't.

Anthony: Yes I did!

Ian: No you didn't times infinity! And besides, I've got the logs to prove it.

'Ian pulls out a driving log. '

Anthony: You keep track of everywhere you drive?

Ian: Yeah, just for times like-

Anthony: What the hell is Big L's Playpen?

Ian rips the log out of Anthony's hands.

Ian: It's...It's a toy store, man...

Anthony: Whatever! Either way, I'm not driving.

Ian: C'mon man, please, just drive for once.

Anthony: There's a creepy sherpa living in my backseat.

Ian: Right, and I'm a gay wrestler.

Anthony: I knew that's what Big L's Playpen was!

Ian: Oh come on man I was being facetious! Now please, just DRIVE.

Anthony: I can't.

Ian: Why not.

Anthony: I broke my foot.

Ian: When?!

'Anthony grabs a sledge hammer lying against the garage door, he slams it into his foot. '

Anthony: Recently.

Ian: Well, luckily, you don't need your left foot to drive! I however, do, because I drive a manual.

'Ian takes the sledge hammer and slams it into his foot. '

Ian: Looks. Like. You're driving.

Anthony: I ran out of gas, I can't.

Ian: Oh really?

The camera switches to Ian filling up Anthony's car with a gas can.

Ian: Because it looks like you're topped off.

Anthony: Stop it!

Anthony tries to grab the gas can from Ian.

Ian: Take my gas!

Anthony: I don't want it!

Ian: You're gonna take my gas and you're gonna like it!

Anthony: Stop!

'Ian and Anthony fling the gas can across the street, where it hits a man lighting a cigarette, who starts on fire. '

Ian: Well I can't drive if I can't see!

'Ian squirts lemon juice in his eyes. '

Anthony: Well I can't drive if I'm not alive!

'Anthony puts a gun to his head. Ian gets into the driver's side of Anthony's car. '

Anthony: Get out of my car!

'Ian mimes rolling down the window. '

Ian: I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear you with the window up.

Anthony: The window's down.

'Ian mimes rolling it back up again. Ian mimes pretending to not hear Anthony. '

Anthony: Ian, dude, stop this!

'The two fight over miming who will roll down the window. '

Anthony: Ian, stop, stop!

Ian: Oh look what you did, you broke the freaking window.

The sherpa sits up from the back of the car and begins grooming Ian's hair.

Ian: What the hell, AHHHH SHERPA. DUDE THERE'S A SHERPA IN YOUR CAR

Anthony: I told you!

Ian: Alright, screw it, I'll drive.

'Anthony gives the sherpa a thumbs up. The sherpa returns it. The two get into the car, and drive several feet to the mailbox on their front lawn. They get out of the car. '

Ian: This is ridiculous man, you can't keep making me drive every time! Well? Open it!

Anthony: I didn't bring the key.

Ian: Are you KIDDING ME?

Anthony: You didn't bring it?

'The car sputters out. '

Ian: Great. Now I'm outta gas.

Anthony: How are we gonna get back?

Ian: Uh, I could call 911?

Anthony: No, no. I'll walk back, and send rescue for you.

Ian: You can't make it, it's too far!

Anthony: Ian! If I don't make it back alive, I just want you to know that you've been a really...really terrible friend.

Ian: I know...and, you too man.

'They hug as if it is the end of the world, tearing up. '

Anthony: See ya.

Ian: Yeah...see ya.

Narrator: And so, Anthony Padilla began his long arduous trek through the barren wasteland. Without food, water, or basic survival gear, he barely made it home alive. Unfortunately, his legs were severely frostbitten, and had to be amputated.

'The camera cuts to a man who looks like he is presumably from the future. '

Narrator: Yes, times were tough in the 21st Century. Any questions?

Student: Uh yeah, did people from the past really think we would dress this stupid?

'Ian stands next to the mailbox, there's 'help' written in stones next to him. He's waving a white flag on a stick.'

Ian: Help! Over here!

'A helicopter descends from above. Ian grabs a rope and is brought to 'safety'. '

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