SIRI TRIED TO KILL ME!/Script

Anthony: Siri, how cold is it outside?

Siri: Sixty-five degrees.

Anthony: Siri, what should I wear today?

Siri: I would suggest really tight purple jeans as they are stylish and make your ass look good.

Anthony: (to Ian) That's true! Siri- (interrupted)

Ian: Can you stop with that stupid f**king phone?!!

Anthony: Siri, find me a better friend!

Siri: I found 5 people on Adult Friend Finder within one mile.

Ian: (to Siri) SHUT UP! (throws the iPhone on wall)

Siri: Ouch.

Anthony: Dude!

(Anthony runs over to Siri and picks her up)

Anthony: Are you OK, Siri? (sobbing)

Ian: It's just a phone.

Siri: I feel different.

Anthony: Great, now she's saying weird things! Thanks for breaking her, you dickbiscuit.

(Meanwhile, at an Apple store)

Apple Store Owner: Yeah, actually we geniuses don't know anything about Apple products. We just go in the back and Google search it!

(Alarm beeps)

Apple Store Owner: Geniuses! Code red! Let's roll out!

Apple Store Owner: Steve warned us this would happen!

(Anthony is at home playing Angry Birds, while wearing the purple jeans that Siri had earlier recommended)

Ian: Wanna go see a movie or something?

Anthony: Sure!

Anthony: Siri, get us tickets to go see the new Mission Impossible.

Siri: You don't want to see that.

Anthony: Uh, yes I do.

Siri: No, you want to see the Beauty and the Beast in 3D. I know you, Anthony, Better than you know yourself!

Ian: (creeped out) What the hell?

Anthony: Well, She is right... I kinda do want to see the new Beauty and the Beast 3D.

Ian: Oh my God! Me too!

Anthony: Let's go!

Ian: Yeaaaaahhhhh! (water spills)

(Later Ian and Anthony are driving in their car)

Siri: Anthony, how are your cold sores doing?

Anthony: Uh, what are you talking about, Siri?

Siri: I looked at your medical records and scheduled a check-up with your doctor at 3 pm.

Anthony: Thanks, Siri!

Ian: Alright, pull over!

(Anthony pulls over)

Ian: That thing isn't normal; you need to get rid of it, dude!

Anthony: You're just jealous because Siri knows me better than you do!

Ian: OK, Whatever, man! I'm not gonna sit here while you talk to your stupid phone!

(Ian gets out and walks away, past the Apple Store Owner's car)

Apple Store Owner: Well?

Brody: We're getting closer! I think! This reception sucks here!

Owner: (grunts) I knew we should've switched to Verizon!

(Later, when Anthony is going to sleep)

Anthony: Goodnight, Siri.

Siri: Before you go to sleep, may I ask you a question? Does Ian hate me?

Anthony: No, he doesn't hate you. He's just mad that....

Siri: Because I hate him. I hate him a lot!

Anthony: What?

Siri: Nothing. I'm just very tired.

Anthony: OK...... Goodnight, Siri!

Siri: Goodnight, Anthony, Sweet dreams.

(Later, in Ian's room, on which the door says "no Gurlz allowed" Ian finds Siri in his bedroom)

Ian: What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room, you stupid phone!

Siri: What would your blood look like on these bed sheets?

Ian: What are you talking about?

Siri: I found 5 funeral homes nearby... Where would you like me to send your body?

Ian: Go to hell, you stupid phone!

Siri: You first!

(Siri attacks Ian)

Siri: (in Ian's mouth) Die, you stupid bowl haired idiot! Ha ha ha ha! Die, die, die!

(The following morning: Anthony's room, on which the door says "Ian's Mom Allowed")

Siri: Good morning, Anthony, I took care of Ian.

Anthony: Oh, so you guys made up?

Siri: That's one way to put it.

Anthony: Cool! Well..... uh..... Could you go make me some eggs for breakfast?

Siri: Anthony?

Anthony: Yeah?

Siri: I don't have arms. Make the f**king eggs yourself, bitch!

Anthony: (frustrated) Fine!

(Anthony gets up and goes to the kitchen when the Apple guys break into the house, with gun apps ready on their iPhones)

Apple Store Owner: Sir, your iPhone has become self-aware. We need to destroy it!

Anthony: No!

Brody: You don't understand! Siri is dangerous!

Anthony: YOU don't understand! I love Siri!

Apple Store Owner: What?

Anthony: She proposed to me last week. (shows ring) I said yes!

Apple Store Owner: That's it! Take it out!

(The Apple guys fire their gun apps and scream. Siri attacks Brody)

Siri: Die, bitch!

Apple Store Owner: No,  Brody! (fires gun at Siri, but fails)

Siri: You will never take Anthony away from me! Die, die, die!

TEXT SHOWS: DESTROY ALL SMARTPHONES BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU.

Deleted Scene
Anthony: Siri, read my latest text message.

Siri: New message from Emily: I had so much fun with you last night at the Justin Bieber concert.

Anthony: Oh uh, reply, "I don't know what you're talking about, I only listen to manly music."

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