Hide and Seek/Script

In the living room

Ian: Alright, I'll tell you what. Winner of hide-and-seek gets to play Dragon Ball Z on Kinect.

Anthony: That's like the lamest prize ever! The Kinect sucks, plus you're like the worst hider in the history of hiding.

In a flashback

(Anthony uncovers the window curtain)

Ian: Frick nuggets!

In a different flashback

(Anthony uncovers the shower curtain)

Ian: Frick nuggets!

In a different flashback

(Anthony uncovers Ian's blanket)

Ian: Frick nuggets!

In a different flashback

(Anthony lifts a cardboard cutout of Ian crouching while smiling)

Ian: Frick nuggets!

In a different flashback

(Anthony found Ian behind a lamp post and tilts the post)

Ian: Frick nuggets!

Back in the present

Ian: Okay, but this time I have a way awesome hiding space and you're never gonna find me.

Anthony: Oh, so I guess I'll find you in uh, (looks at his watch) oh let's see uh, fifteen seconds?

Ian: Uh, more like fifteen years, dog years. (doesn't talk for four seconds) 'Cause that's like, longer, right?

(no one talks for at least a second)

Sometime later

Anthony: Three, two, one. Ready or not, here I come, bitch.

(Ian is seen hiding under the table and smiling)

Anthony: (found one of Ian's jeans, uncovers the curtain, and only sees the jeans) Frick balls!

(Ian laughs silently)

In the bathroom

Anthony: (uncovers the shower curtains and finds a blow-up doll) Frick balls!

Under the table

(Ian giggles)

In Ian's bedroom

Anthony: (finds a bump on Ian's bed and talks slowly) Gee, I wonder where Ian is? (beats up the bump using his fists, other parts of his body, and a bat) Got you! (uncovers the blanket and finds Stevie in pain) Uh, sorry Stevie. (covers Stevie with the blanket and walks backwards)

In the living room

(Ian giggles under the table)

Anthony: (enters the room, exhales, and shouts) Okay Ian, you could come out now!

(Ian giggles under the table)

Anthony: I'm serious man, let's just end this stupid game, okay?!

(Ian giggles under the table)

Anthony: (punches the air weakly at a fast pace) Alright, if you're not coming out, I guess I'm playing Dragon Ball Z without you! Kamehamehahaha!

Sometime later

Ian: (talks in his thoughts while writing in his journal) Day one: I've been under the table for three hours now. Anthony's trying to lure me out, but I'm not gonna fall for his little tricks.

Sometime later

Anthony: If you don't come out, I'm gonna eat all your pink-frosted sprinkled donuts!

Sometime later

Anthony: (holds up Ian's blow-up doll) I'm gonna use your blow-up doll!

Sometime later

Anthony: (holds up Ian's bubble wrap) I'm gonna pop all your bubble wrap! (pops the bubble wrap)

Sometime later

Anthony: (holds up his cell phone) I'm gonna send all my nude pictures to your mom!

Sometime later

Anthony: (holds up Ian's grandpa's ashes) I'm gonna eat your grandpa's ashes. (starts to eat the ashes)

Sometime later

Ian: (speaks in his thoughts while writing on his journal) I am the best hider ever. That idiot actually thinks I left the house or something! (giggles in his thoughts)

Anthony: Well uh, since I'm all alone, I guess I might as well play with my junk. (laughs and then gets off the table)

Five days later

Ian: (speaks in his thoughts while writing on his journal) Day six: I finally found a friend in here. (picks up Kelly) I think he's a guy, but I, I can't find his balls. So, I should probably give it a gender-neutral name: like uh, Kelly. Yeah, Kelly sounds good.

In the living room

Anthony: (plays with garbage while laughing, and then sighs) Man, playing with my junk isn't any fun without Ian here. He used to love watching me playing with my junk. (drops some of the garbage on the table) Well, since Ian's not here, I guess I might as well have a circle jerk. (jumps on the couch) Whoo! (laughs)

Four days later

Ian: (speaks in his thoughts while writing on his journal) Day ten: Kelly seems down. I gotta find out what's wrong with him, or her. I-I really don't know, I still haven't found his balls. (talks to Kelly) What's wrong buddy?

Kelly: I'm just so hungry. We need to find some food up here in this bitch.

Ian: I know, but there isn't any.

Kelly: What about Anthony?

Ian: I'm not gonna eat Anthony.

Kelly: No you idiot, he has food.

Ian: No, I'm not gonna come out of hiding until he tells me that I'm the best hider of all time! So shut your yeasty little f***ing trap Kelly.

Kelly: Geez, chill out bro!

Sometime later

Anthony: (circles someone's picture) That guy's a jerk. (circles someone else's picture) She's a jerk. (circles the entire page) They're all jerky-jerky-jerks. I'm circling all these jerks! (sighs) Man, I bored. Well, I guess since I'm all alone, I guess I might as well go masturbate. (gets up, drops the yearbook, and leaves)

Eleven days later

Ian: (speaks in his thoughts while writing on his journal) Day twenty-one: Anthony's still in the bathroom doing what kinda sounds like weight lifting or something. I don't know. All I know is that I'm starving to death. (drops his journal) I need to find something to eat.

Kelly: No! No Ian, don't do that.

Ian: (talks to Kelly) Just, just one little bite won't hurt, will it?

Kelly: Of course it'll freaking hurt idiot!

Ian: Just, just one little nibble. (grabs Kelly)

Kelly: Come on silly, think about what you're doing!

(Ian thinks about his actions)

Kelly: (tries to calm himself) Jesus! (tries to calm himself more)

Ian: Yep, thought about it. (starts eating Kelly)

Kelly: Oh, oh, oh, oh Jesus! (gets eaten by Ian)

Fifty years later

Ian: (grew a beard and then later wakes up) What time is it?

Anthony's grandson: What the hell are you doing down here?

Ian: (gasps) Anthony!

(Anthony's grandson pulls up Ian)

Ian: Well now that you finally found me, (puts both of his hands on Anthony's grandson's shoulders) I guess you're ready to attempt that I'm the greatest hide-and-seeker of all time.

Anthony's grandson: Uh, Anthony's my grandpa.

Ian: What do you mean grandpa?

Anthony: It's been fifty years since you went missing dumbass.

Ian: Whoa, is that a new Xbox?!

Anthony: Yep, Xbox Thirty-six.

Ian: How's the Kinect work?

Anthony: Still sucks balls!

Kinect: Searching the Internet for old men sucking balls.

Anthony: AH, MY EYES!

To See More and Thanks for Subscribing
Kelly: To see deleted scenes and bloopers, click the video on the right. And if you wanna see another video with Ian writing in a diary...

Ian: Shut up, it's a man journal!

Kelly: Click the other video on the right, silly! And you better subscribe, bitches, or else I'm gonna eat myself. Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it, I swear.

Ian: I'll do it! (gets eaten by Kelly) OH GOD DON'T EAT ME FATHER!!! I'M OKAY AHH!!!

Epilogue
Ian: Hey uh, speaking of balls, do you guys know if slices of bread are girls or boys?

Kelly (in Ian's belly): I'm a freaking man you dick biscuit!

(Ian gets scared and then falls asleep)

Anthony: Jackass.

Deleted Scene
In the kitchen

Anthony: Well, since I'm all alone, I guess I might as well beat my meat. (beats down a steak with a meat mallet)

Sometime later

Ian: (speaks in his thoughts while writing in his journal) Day five: I'm so hungry, I must adapt to survive down here. (sniffs for food) Damn that s**t's good! (reaches for the plate)

Anthony: (sings) ''I like to beat my meat  Then I like to eat my meat!'' (wraps his napkin around his back)

Ian: (grabs the plate while Anthony sings and silently speaks) Jackpot! (eats the steak)

Anthony: Huh, guess I must've eaten my food so fast, I didn't even realized.