How to Survive a Burglary/Script

Introduction
In Anthony's house

(A burglar enters the house and laughs while putting the Jigglypuff doll in his bag)

Anous: (pauses the video) Look this little crime committing dirtbag burglar. He just broke into your house and now he's gonna burgle the heck out of it! (plays the video)

(The burglar tries to steal the tissue box, but Anthony spots him and screams. The burglar runs to Anthony and beats him with a bat as Anthony falls down)

Anous: And now you're dead all because you were dum-dum! But don't worry, there's a solution! My name's Sergeant Anous and I'm gonna teach you how to survive a home burglary. (gives a glare with his tooth) Let's go. (stands up and farts on Anthony)

Create a Weapon
Anous: There are two (points out two fingers) foolproof ways to avoid being bat murdered by a burglar. Burglars always hate being killed. Here's a weapon you can make using items found in any household.

(The burglar holds out a bat)

Anous: Simply take some PVC pipe...

(Anthony gets some PVC pipe and the burglar comes closer to Anthony while grunting)

Anous: ...a nitrous oxide canister...

(Anthony gets a nitrous oxide canister and the burglar comes closer to Anthony while grunting)

Anous: ...a valve from any sort of massive steam-operated machinery...

(Anthony gets a valve from any sort of massive steam-operated machine and the burglar comes closer to Anthony while grunting)

Anous: ...duct tape...

(Anthony gets some duct tape and the burglar comes closer to Anthony while grunting)

Anous: ...and a butternut squash! Then you tape it all together...

(Anthony duct tapes the materials together)

Anous: ...and bam! You're ready for action bucko.

(Anthony tries to fire the weapon, but made the butternut squash falls down and have the burglar pick it up only to get scared and get hit by the squash)

Narrator: BUTTERNUT SQUASH'D!

Tire them out
Anous: (drinks milk and spits it out) Well if that doesn't work out, you can always use my next method; tire them out!

(Anthony runs away from the burglar around the table as the burglar swings his bat while running)

Anous: (grows bushy eyebrows) However, this doesn't work if you're lazy or immorally obese quadriplegic.

(An immorally obese quadriplegic Anthony jumps down to chair to avoid being hit by the burglar, but he hit him anyway)

narrator: BAT MURDERED'D!

A.S.S.D.I.C.K.
Outside in a mailbox

Anous: Well let's say that none of those options work. In that case, you need to stop that burgling burglar from getting into your house and burgling it in the first place. (struggles to get his head out of the mailbox)

In the house

(Anthony starts to close his front door)

Anous: (pauses the video) And in this case, we use the rule of always silently shut doors in case of kleptomaniacs or ASSDICK for short. You'll be surprised how many people don't think about ASSDICK. I think about ASSDICK all the time. (plays the video again)

(Anthony closes the door)

Anous: (pauses the video) Now there's a man who knows his ASSDICK. (plays the video)

Part 1
(Anthony feels relieved and turns around only to find the burglar behind him as the burglar hits him with a bat)

narrator: ASSDICK FAIL'D!

Anous: (lies down with Anthony while beating a night stick) Let's try that again.

(the camera flashes back to when Anthony closes the door)

Part 2
burglar: (knocks at the door) Girl Scout cookies!

Anthony: Oo. (opens the door) Do you have the new punch flavor?

burglar: Yep. (punches Anthony in the face)

narrator: ASSDICK FIST'D!

Anous: (lies down with Anthony while beating a night stick) Let's try that again.

(the camera flashes back to when Anthony closes the door)

Part 3
Anthony: (puts a latch on the door) Oh, try to get through that bitch!

(the burglar opens the door slightly, reaches for his bat, hits Anthony with it, and shows the middle finger)

narrator: ASSDICK TO THE FACE'D!

Disguise as a burglar
Anous: (paints a self portrait) If ASSDICK doesn't work for you, you only have one option left. Dress as a burglar yourself. (eats one of the colors on his template) Not bad.

(Anthony disguises himself as a burglar. The actual burglar enters his house while laughing and sees Anthony thinking he's another burglar)

burglar: What the hell?!

Anthony: Uh sorry sir, I am uh currently burgling this house right now.

burglar: No my apologizes. I shall burgle elsewhere. Good day sir.

Anthony: (talks silently while rising his fist) Yes!

narrator: BURGLAR BAMBOOZLE'DDDD!

Ending
Anous: (stops the burglar from leaving) Stop right there you burgling burglars!

Anthony: No no, I'm just faking to be a burglar just like you told me to!

burglar: (shivers) No, I-I'm just dressing like-like a burglar like you told me to!

Anous: Prove it; take off your mask!

(Anthony and the burglar took off their mask)

Anthony: See?

Anous: I can't tell you two apart, all you white people look the same.

Anthony: What? We look nothing alike!

Anous: BULLS**T! (shoots Anthony with his gun and eyebrows repeatedly) Ha, that burgling scum is off the streets for good! But just to make sure. (shoots Anthony repeatedly again and laughs) Let's go celebrate with some ice cream. I'll buy since I keep all my life-savings (points to his wallet) right in this wallet.

burglar: (hits Anous repeatedly with a bat and takes his wallet) Five dollars? He was rich! (laughs while leaving the house)

Anous: Well, join me next week when I show you how to get the most likes on Instagram by posting a picture of yourself dying from bat murder. (takes a picture of himself) Yeah, that one's gonna get on the popular page for sure. #Cra (talks slower) yolo (dies)

narrator: Sergeant Anous only got two likes on his picture. Both were from his mom. (shows Anous' death picture) #CRAYOLO!