HOW TO BE A COP!/Script

Introduction
Anus: Hi kids. Sgt Anous here. There are two types of people in this world: good-for-nothing criminals, and officers of the law. So that's why I'm here to show you how to become a police officer. (Shows a shiny tooth) Let's go! (forces a criminal into the car) Get, get up! Get up! Get-

Step 1: Parking Enforcement
(Anous drives over the edge of the parking lot and parks incorrectly)

Anous: One important thing is to always remember to... (Sees a driver parked in a handicap zone) Sir you are illegally parked there! That spot is for handicapped citizens only!

Driver: Sorry. I'll just move my car, then.

Anous: He's resisting arrest! (He shoots the driver's knee)

(the driver screams in pain)

Narrator: HANDICAP'D!

Freddy: Next.

Step 2: Problem Solving
Anous: If you're having a problem with something, shooting it usually helps. No cash?

(Anous shoots the vending machine and gets a soda)

Narrator: SODA POP'D!

Anous: Hate the channel?

(Anous shoots the TV which changes the channel)

Narrator: SMART!

Anous: Got a ticket?

(Anous takes the ticket out of the car, shoots it, and shows his middle finger to the other police officer who gave him the ticket)

Narrator: F*** METER MAIDS!

Step 3: Speeding Violations
Anous: One of the perks to being a cop is women always flash their boobies to get outta tickets.

Old woman: Officer, is there anything I could do to... get out of this ticket?

(The old woman shows her boobs)

Anous: AAAHGHH...

Narrator: SAGGY FLAPJACKS!

Step 4: Stay Hydrated
(Sergeant Anous takes a sip of water from the water fountain and gives a thumbs up)

Narrator: HEALTHY!

Step 5: Have Fun
Anous: It's always fun to prank call other departments.

Fireman: We got a report of someone with exploding diarrhea! Who is it?!

Anous: (Pops out) It's your wife!

Fireman: (Laughs) Good one, Anous! (Laughs some more)

Anous: (Laughs) But for really though, how is your wife?

Fireman: (Stops laughing) You know she's dead, right?

Anous: Cool! Mine too!

(They both high five each other in the air)

Narrator: SINGLE READY TO MINGLE!

Step 6: Law Enforcement
Anous: No matter what anyone says, jaywalking is a crime. (Anous sees Anthony jaywalking and points a finger at him) JAYWALKING!

Anthony: Sorry sir, I just needed to cross here.

Anous: Well you should've used the crosswalk you good-for-nothing criminal!

Anthony: But there's not even any cars coming. (Anous looked both ways and didn't find an active car)

Anous: BULLS**T! (Anous shoots Anthony repetitively killing him) We have laws for a reason. If I didn't stop you from jaywalking, you could've just been killed by a car just now you stupid cri..!

(A car runs over Sergeant Anous and injures him)

Narrator: IRONY'D... Bitch!

THE END

Step 78: Self Defense (Deleted scene)
Anous: It's very important to defend yourself from crazy people. Here's a couple of my favorite moves. The Testicle Twist. (Anous gives pain by twisting the criminal's testicles) The Ball Crush. (Anous hits the criminal's balls with his knee) The Scrotum Pull. (Anous tries hardly to pull out the scrotum) And if those don't work out, I usually just use my favorite move; the Bullet to the Head. (Sergeant Anous shot the bullet to the criminal's head killing him)