If TV Shows Were Real/Script

Introduction
(Ian and Anthony are watching Adventure Time.)

JAKE

Quick, Finn. Jump on my back.

FINN

Aw, you're the best dog ever, Jake!

IAN

Dude, this show is so unrealistic. There's a talking, shape-shifting dog. It's like they just gave up on trying to make things real.

ANTHONY

Well, obviously. Can you imagine how dumb it would be if all TV shows were actually realistic?

Two and a Half Men
ALAN

I don't get it; where's the half man?

JAKE

I got your half man right here!

(Jake shows his private part to the other two men which they were disturbed and Jake laughs)

Lost
SHAHDID

Wow! We're heck a lost.

JACK

The smoke monster!

SHAHDID

Oh my god.

(Shahdid, Jack, and Swayer ran away while screaming for help)

CHARLIE

Ah ha no mates, I was just uh smoking a little crack.

Pretty Little Liars
MONA

(reads the text message) If you don't do what I say, I'm going to tell everyone you stuff you bra? (Stops reading) How did they know that?(The camera reveals her stuffed bra)

Friends
At an apartment room

Ross: Let me get this straight Joey, so Monica is dating Chandler and Rachel's dating you?

Joey: No Ross, you are dating Rachel, but I want to date Rachel, and Chandler is dating Rachel's boss.

(Audience laughs)

Ross: No, Chandler is married to Monica and you kissed Phoebe's sister thinking it was Phoebe, but then you went to...

(Audience laughs)

Ross: What, er, uh. You know what, screw this. (Gets up) I'm just gonna make this real simple and just go date my right hand. (leaves the room)

(The audience starts to wonder)

Joey: Lucky.

(Audience laughs and applauses)

The Vampire Diaries
Stefan (thoughts): Dear diary,

Vampires are scary.

Elena: I'm gonna suck your blood so hard.

(Stefan burns Elena by revealing sunlight)

True Blood
Jason: (backs away) No, no!

Jessica: We're gonna drink your blood.

Pam: And look sexy while we're doing it.

Jason: (opens the door revealing sunlight) Sunlight!

(The girls get burned)

Girls: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keeping up with the Kardashians
Kim: Khloe, do these pants make my butt look small?

Khloe: Totally!

(Rob reveals the sunlight makng them burn and gives a thumbs up)

The Walking Dead
RICK What are we gonna do about these zombies?

CARL

Okay, we need to stay in this house and survive. So, what kind of supplies do you have?

<p style="text-align:center;">RICK

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we have this. (walks to the Glii) But hey, at least we can play it until this whole thing blows over.

<p style="text-align:center;">CARL

<p style="text-align:center;">Cool, I-I love Wii.

<p style="text-align:center;">RICK

<p style="text-align:center;">No, it's a Chinese knockoff called Glii. It only plays karaoke songs from the hit show Glee. Check it out. (sings) We are handicapped,

geeky, pregnant and gay

and that's a-okay. (keeps on singing)

<p style="text-align:center;">CARL

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no, no. I don't wanna live on this planet anymore. (Goes to the door and opens it) Who's hungry? (Gets taken by the zombies)

Dancing with the Stars
Tom: Next up, we have Honey Boo Boo's mom.

June: BRAAAAH!

Tom: She'll preform a complex tango where her partner, Anthony, will lift her in the air and do a triple twist.

(June burped)

Anthony: Screw that. (leaves)

Jersey Shore
At Take 1

Snooki: Get you ugly ass face out of my bar!

(The Situation punches Snooki)

Seymour: Cut! You call that a punch, I want you to hit her as hard as you can! Reality TV has to REAL people! (Wipes his nose) Punch her again.

At Take 2

Seymour: Action.

(The Situation holds Snooki's head and punches her)

Seymour: Again!

At Take 5

Seymour: Action.

(The Situation uppercuts Snooki)

Seymour: (wipes his nose) Again!

At Take 8

Seymour: Action.

(The Situation grabs Shoonki's shoulders and headbutts her)

Seymour: (wipes his nose) Cut, that sucked! Punch her again!

At Take 17

Seymour: Harder.

(The Situation grab Snoonki's right shoulder and punched her downward from his elbow)

At Take 46

Seymour: Faster!

(The Situation slaps Snoonki's from her right)

At Take 153

Seymour: Less wrist!

(The Situation hits Snoonki with his elbow)

At Take 469

Seymour: More fist.

Snoonki: You look like BeibeRRR.

(The Situation showed a starting punched pose and expanded the arm to punch Snoonki)

At Take 531

Seymour: Again.

Snooki: Pepperoni.

(The Situation did what he did in Take 469)

Seymour: (giggles) I love my job.

(Snooki gets back up)

Seymour: Okay great uh this time, hit her in the uterus.

Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls(Deleted)
Bear: All right, I'm out here in the wilderness on my own. I'm gonna have to climb this tree and find some bugs to eat. (Climbs up the animated tree)

When the animation stopped

(Bear Grylls reveals his real voice and climbs off the small pole)

Bear: Ew, ew, ew! I think I saw a spider on there guys! No, cut it! Cut it guys! That was nasty! That was nasty! (Sits down on a beach chair) There's a spider on it; I'm not getting paid enough for this! That was freaking nasty guys! (Sees a hot lady fanning him) Oh, hey uh, you know I... (changes to his actingl voice) Uh, you know I once drank my own piss?

Ending
Ian: Yeah okay, that was pretty dumb.

Anthony: That's what I'm saying.

Ian: (feels an urge) Oh! Um, I gotta go home dude. (Gets off of the couch)You know how I feel about pooing in other people's bathrooms. Later! (Leaves and whispers) Oh my god!

Outside in the front yard

(Runs to find a bathroom)

Ian: Oh god! (struggles) I don't think I'm gonna make it.

dog: That's okay. Just hop on my back and I'll give you a ride.

Ian: Uuuuh...

On the dog's back

(Ian is riding in the city)

Ian: Woah, woah; this is awesome! But ah, please hurry up. I don't know how long I can hold it.

dog: Don't worry dude, I got an idea. (Makes a jump) Weee!

(Ian shouts)

In the bathroom

(Ian's at a toilet)

Ian: (sighs) Finally.

(The dog is shaped as the toilet Ian's using)

dog: Yeah, just make it quick will yah?!

Ian: You got it. (Looks upward) POWER POO ENGAGED!