Worst Online Date Ever/Script

Ian: (checks the food cabinet and sees food) Man, there's nothing to eat!

Anthony: (pops up) Hey dude, check it out. I got this groupon for this new place called, "Eat my Wiener". Two free huge wieners if we bring a date.

Ian: Sweet, I love free wieners.

Anthony: Me too, but it's for couples only.

Ian: Well, we can bring our clones.

Anthony: No, that ended pretty bad last time, remember? (shows the clones either drunk or dead)

Ian: Oh yeah.

Anthony: Why won't we just try to get real dates?

Ian: Like, girl dates?

Anthony: Yeah.

Ian: Alright, let's go get some hookers.

Anthony: What; no! (stops Ian) We need to get girls the way guys have been getting them for thousands of years.

Later on

(Ian and Anthony go to a dating website)

Claus: (gets out of the car) Hello, my name is Claus Winklestein. I hear that you are looking for the women to go on the date and have the sex, yeah?

(Ian and Anthony agreed)

Claus: Claus promises you get ze perfect match on my website or I'll let you marry my supple wife.

Mrs. Winklestein: Wait, what?!

Claus: Submit your photo below and get with ze women, (whispers) or ze men, (speaks normally) right now. Oh hohohohoho!

Ian: This looks perfect!

Anthony: Well guess it's worth a shot. (typed his name and uploaded his sexy picture) This is my sexiest picture. (found 300 matches) Nice!

Ian: Alright, (turns the laptop to face him) my turn. (typed his name and uploaded his "sexy" picture) Such a hot photo. (found no matches) Um, yeah. It's probably just messed up. Uh refresh. (refreshed the website and still found no matches) Come on, seriously?!

Anthony: Dude, you can't be so picky. Look, widen your search results a little bit. (widen to every search result, but still couldn't find Ian a match)

Ian: Dude, this sucks!

Anthony: Wait, didn't that Claus guy promise you a match where you can marry his wife?

Ian: Hmmmmmm.

At Claus's house

Claus: (makes smoothie schnitzel) Smooshie schnitzel, smooshie schnitzel, my buzz likes a smooshie schnitzel. (got a text from Ian) Oh! (picks up the phone)

Ian (thoughts in the message): Dear Claus,

My name's Ian and your site sucks and it didn't find me a girl to date. Therefore, I get to marry your wife and take her out for some free wiener.

Claus: Ugh! Claus will not lose his supple wife to some wiener loving schnoodle-noodle! Come on Claus, it can't be zhat hard to find him a girl. (saw Ian's picture) Oh my sauerkraut! His face looks like grandma Volfenhausen's  arsenstein!

Back at Ian and Anthony's house

(Ian and Anthony wear tuxedos)

Anthony: (holds candles) Hey, did your date showed up yet?

Ian (talking): Oh uh yeah, she's running a little late so she's just gonna meet us there.

Anthony: Sweet! Mine too, but first I have to melt these candles. My date says she likes her men waxed or something? I don't know, whatever. FREE WIENERS, WOO! (leaves to wax himself)

Ian: (acts miserable) Yeah, free wieners.

At Claus's massage dungeon

(Pocky massages Claus)

Claus: Ah, zhat's good. You know I like zhat Pocky. (gets another text from Ian)

Ian (thoughts): Hey dude, I really need to marry your wife like pronto; have her meet me at the wiener place and have her bring those marriage papers. BITCH!

Claus: (gasped) Pocky, Claus doesn't get it. He looks all over zhe interwebs and he found no matches for this ugly Ian boy.

(Pocky whispers to Claus)

Claus: Ah. (grabs a portrait of his wife) Come on Pocky, you know Claus doesn't want to give his supple wife. He do anything but that.

(Pocky whispers to Claus again)

Claus: That's brilliant Pocky. Go get Claus a dress. (claps)

At the restaurant Eat my Wiener

(Ian just arrived)

Anthony: Hey, glad you made it. Where's your date?

Ian: Don't you mean my new wife. Honey!

(Ian and Anthony looked at the "girl" from shoe to face)

Ian: Nice! Look at that rack.

(It's Ian's Date)

Anthony: (holds laugh)

Ian: Mmmmuuuuuhwoah.

Ian's Date: Hi zhere szweetie.

Ian: She looked better online.

Ian's Date: I'm here for ze free wieners, yeah? Come give me a kissin shlopping.

Ian: Oh no no no, NO NO! Maybe later, yeah?

Anthony: Well uh, guess it's time for me to call out my date so we can get some free wieners huh?

Ian's Date: Oh, I love wiener. (Clapped his hands)

Anthony: Oh date, you can come out now!

(Anthony, Ian, and His Date look at the girl from shoe to face It's Anthony's Date)

Ian's Date: My supple wife?!

Mrs. Winklestein: Claus?!

Anthony: What?

Ian: What the hell?!

Claus: What the hell are you doing here with this, this schtinkerhammer?

Mrs. Winklestein: I'm tired for being put out for auction by you and taken for granted andWhy are you wearing my clothes?

Claus: Oh uh, Claus didn't want you to have to marry this ugly Ian boy just cuz of ze stupid bet he made. I love you too much my supple wife.

Mrs. Winklestein: Oh I love you too Clausy poo!

(They both cried and hugged each other)

Claus: Come. Let's get away from these creepy schnootle-noodles! Yeah, ah-huh.

(The couple left)

Ian: Wow, I almost married a dude.

Anthony: Well, it technically doesn't count if he's dressed like a girl. Trust me, I know from experience.

waiter: Can I interest you young boys in some wiener?

Anthony: Well we have this groupon but, it only gives you a free wiener if you bring a date.

Ian: Wait, I know where we can get some women.

Later on

(Ian and Anthony brought their dead clones with wigs on and got four free hot dogs)

Anthony: Oh yeah, ah-ah dude, they're starting to smell really bad.

Ian: Whatever, I'm happy as long as I got a wiener in my mouth. (eats a hot dog)

Anthony: Hey, you ever think people might think we're talking about something else when we're talking about wieners?

Ian: Pfft No! Hey, watch me take two wieners at once! (laughs while eating two hot dogs at the same time) My mouth is so full of wiener!

(Ian and Anthony both laughed while eating hot dogs)

Narrator: Anthony and Ian had to be rushed to the E.R. after getting a massive wiener lodged in their throats.

Alternate Scene
Mrs. Winklestein: Oh I love you too Clausy poo!

(They both cried and hugged each other)

Ian: Romance.

Claus: Come. Let's get away from these creepy schnootle-noodles! Yeah, ah-huh.

(The couple left)

Ian: Better love story than Twilight.