Addicted to Honey Boo Boo Child/Script

In My Strange Addiction

IAN

(talks to the audience)

My name is Ian and everyone's been telling me that I'm addicted to this Honey Boo Boo show which (giggles) I'm not at all.

(Ian hangs pictures of Honey Boo at his room)

At the television

(Alana Thompson (Honey Boo Boo) speaks gibberish and Ian laughs)

IAN

(stops laughing) Uh, can you believe people actually wa-watch this crap? Stupid. So stupid.

Narrator: Ian watches Honey Boo Boo Child for five hours everyday. That's more than eight million hours a year. That's almost the size of Texas and England combined. Ian's roommate, Anthony, is the only one that knows the extend of Ian's problem. He invited us over to see if we can help.

Anthony: (talks to the audience) Ian is definitely addicted to Honey Boo Boo and it's only getting worse. He's even started to talk like that, creepy thing.

At Bob's BBQ

(Ian drinks go-go juice)

Waitress: Hi, are you guys ready to order?

Ian: Yeah, you got any cheese baws?

Waitress: Excuse me!

Ian: Cheese baws! (shows his belly button and uses it as a mouth) My tum-tum's gotta have it! (squirts the juice) Cheese balls, cheese balls! Give me- (gets carried away by the other waiters) NAHAHAHAHAH!

Narrator: Ian eats five hundred cheese balls a day. That's twenty trillion cheese balls a year. Some lions mate over fifty times a day.

Ian: Ain't no dumb show about no Honey Boo Boo whenever affect my life. I always been like this. (drinks go-go juice)

Cameraman: What's that?

Ian: It's my go-go juice, duh!

Cameraman: What's in it?

Ian: Um caffeine drink, uh soda, peanut butter, hot sauce, and a little bit X-Lax. (farts)

Narrator: Anthony's has decided to take Ian to get medical help for his addiction.

In Ian's room

Anthony: (enters) Ian, it's time to (sees Ian dressed as Alana Thompson) What the hell are you doing?!

Ian: I'm going to a pageant; you wanna come?

Anthony: No we're not going to a pageant. I'm gonna get you help.

Ian: Oh-nah-ah! You ain't go telling Ian Boo Boo Bear what to do! Nah-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. No!

Anthony: Ian Boo Boo Bear?

Ian: Yes that's my name now dummy. (drinks go-go juice) Duh!

Narrator: Ian spends two hundred dollars a week on makeup. That's enough money to buy five hundred sixty pounds of chicken feed. Ninety-nine percent of Americans believe anything they read. Ian's mom has been brought to the house to witness Ian's addiction for the first time.

In the living room

(Ian's mom and Anthony watches Ian and nodded their heads horizontal after watching him)

Ian: What wrong mama, you ain't love me no more?

Ian's Mom: (sighs and talks to the audience) F**k my life.

Narrator: Ian's mom disowned him, and in her sorrow ate herself to death. Literally. She ate herself.

In Ian's room

Anthony: Dude, look at you! You're dressed like a four-year-old, and you're about to do a beauty pageant. People are going to think you're a pedophile.

Ian: (speaks gibberish actually saying this) I'm gonna be okay. Little man.

Anthony: What?! Dude I can't even understand you anymore.

Ian: Mmm-bub figgly foo squeemy jeemy.

Anthony: Dude, I just want my best friend back.

Ian: I'm sorry. (whines)

(Anthony whines with Ian afterwards)

Anthony: (talks to the audience) I'm really glad Ian's finally able to overcome his addiction. I just don't understand how someone could become addicted to something so disgusting. Anyway, are we done here? (picks up Steven, the pet flamingo) Steven and I gotta go catch a movie. (stands up)

Narrator: Coming up next, a man in a romantic relationship with his lawn flamingo.

Anthony: (talks to the audience) What? True love comes in many forms.

In Anthony's room

(Anthony has sex with his lawn flamingo)