Food Battle 2013 Announcement/Script

Plot
(There is a black background with Ian's Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut slowly zooming in)

narrator: It's time for the worlds of food (word food pops up) and ultra violence (word ultra violence pops up) to collide in the most awesome conflict of all time.

(They smash together and reveal: Food Battle 2013, cuts to an empty couch)

narrator: Hello? Where the hell are you idiots?!

(Cut to a door, it says: Don't ever enter and talk about food! Meditation in progress. It opens to reveal a vast dojo with a bald Anthony crouched on a box. Cuts to Anthony)

Anthony: After losing my precious Egg Roll last year, I realized all the years of murdering harmless food just wasn't worth it.

narrator: But what about Ian?

(Anthony opens the door to Ian's rood, revealing Ian, dressed with a grey tank top with a long scraggly beard, cradling his doughnut)

narrator: Without Food Battle, he and his doughnut have nothing to do but get into trouble!

Ian: What's that, Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut? (He pulls out a bomb) You want me to blow up the unicorn farm so that we can harvest their magical horns and make a time travel device so we can kill all the dinosaurs? If you say so. (laughs evilly)

Anthony: (bursts into the room) Ian! You have to stop this madness.

Ian: What the hell happened to your hair?

'''Anthony: I became a monk and vowed to never harm food again.

Ian: Are you sure?

Anthony: Yeah, I'm sure sure.

Ian: But are you sure sure sure?

Anthony: Yeah, I'm sure sure sure sure sure sure sure sure sure sure.

Ian: Sure. (shoves the doughnut in Anthony's face, it radiates a purple beam) HERE!

Anthony: (babbles as he remembers all previous Food Battles and gasps) SCREW IT! (takes off bald cap) WE HAVE TO DO ANOTHER FOOD BATTLE!

Ian: Wait! (pulls down fake beard) You never shaved your hair?!

Anthony: F**k no! Do I look like some kind of idiot?! I'd never get rid of this sexy, god-like hair! (gets freeze-framed in an embarrassing position)

narrator: Anthony's back, (makes text appears on screen saying exactly what the he's saying) and he needs your help figuring out which food he's gonna use for Food Battle 2013! (cuts out of Anthony's freeze frame) Will it be Pretzel?! Corn Cob?! Hot Dog Wiener?! Banana?! Giant Gummy Snake?! Fried Pickle?! Candy Cane?! Or Chocolate Bar Donut?! Got to smosh.com/FoodVote2013! And don't forget to vote EVERY FRICKIN' DAY to make sure your favorite food will get the call of destiny to go head-to-head with Ian's Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut! (cut to Anthony's embarrassing freeze frame)

Ian: Ha! He freeze framed you! Bitch! (gets freeze framed)

narrator: Go vote now! Or I'll freeze frame all you! You little bitches!

(In the beginning of each video, the narrator says, "Food Battle two thousand thirteen!")

Banana
narrator: Welcome back to Psychic Talk with your host, Benji Banana. And eerie mystic, Momma Loa.

Benji: Hey there folks, welcome back to psychic talk where we take your calls and Momma Loa here tells your future or whatever.

Loa: Oo, I sense you're feeling down about something man.

Benji: Can we cut the sh*t. Just take the first call.

Loa: Fine Mister Meanpants.

Tomato: Hey there, Momma Loa. I just wanted to say that I'm your biggest fan.

Loa: I already knew that. What is your question?

Tomato: I wanna know why the banana wasn't in the Food Battle last year.

Loa: Yeah, what happened, man? Why are you such a loser?

Benji: I didn't get in because the stupid fans didn't vote for me, and now I lost my show, and my wife, and my family, and I'm a sadass drunker who hosts a piece of sh*t of a psychic show.

Loa: Wait a minute, you're drunk?

Benji: Uh, no.

5 minutes later

(Benji drinks a bottle of alcohol, lies down, gets drunk, and burps)

Back in the present

Tomato: It's okay though, not everyone can be as cool and badass as the pink D-nut. I guess you're just yellow.

Benji: Did you just call me yellow?

Loa: I think she did man.

Tomato: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Benji: F**k this s**t! (turns red and destroys the set and the audience) I bet you didn't see this coming.

Loa: Actually, I did.

Benji: (goes to where the tomato is) Let's see who's yellow now!

Tomato: No, (gets beaten up) no, no!

Benji: I'm coming for you doughnut. YOU HEAR ME? And this time it's for f***king blood. F***KING BLOOD!

narrator: Vote for banana cuz this time he's coming for blood, f***king blood.

Corn on the Cob (ending)
narrator: Well, seems like corn cob is looking to kill himself. Don't want blood on your hands, do you? Give him a vote.

Hot Dog Wiener
On a highway

narrator: It was the end of the line for hot dog wiener.

hot dog wiener: Good bye cruel world.

Years ago at a park

narrator: Every since he was a child, he'd been different.

pink doughnut: Just go talk to her wiener.

hot dog wiener: (walks to the English muffin) Sure thing best friend. Hehehehehehe!

pink doughnut: Hey everyone, wiener looks like a penis.

(everyone except hot dog wiener laughs)

narrator: And it only got worse as he got older and tried to run from his problems.

At a military school

eggplant general: You got the best scores on all the important tests!

hot dog wiener: Thank you, sir.

eggplant general: But none of that matters, son! You look like a god damn penis! You make me siiiiiiick!

Back to the present

narrator: When it got too much, he gave up.

mini powdered donut: (as he drives with red hot chili pepper past hot dog wiener) You look like a penis!

hot dog wiener: I know.

Giant Gummy Snake
narrator: We always thought the attack would come from space. But we were wrong; it was the worms.

(the citizens)

narrator: God damn worms. Our city's were overrun, so we had to turn to our greatest villain to save us.

pink doughnut: Die you gummy pieces of s**t. (shoots the gummy worms) Die die die gummies, die!

narrator: We thought it was o...

pink doughnut: Die die die die die gummy worms!

narrator: We thought it was over, but we never counted on their pissed off mother.

(the giant gummy snake comes out if the water)

narrator: It destroyed China...

(the snake destroys the Great Wall of China)

narrator: ...and Europe.

(the snake destroys the Eiffel Tower)

narrator: Now it's coming to America to settle the score that killed its own family.

(the snake destroys the Statue of Liberty)

narrator: Vote for the giant gummy snake and give it a chance to avenge its dead children.

Chocolate Bar Donut
(Video opens with a view of the city)

Narrator: The city. Night. Crime.

(Two chicken nuggets are seen)

Nugget #1: We are too heavy, bro.

Nugget #2: I'm not sure about this, man. I'm scared.

Nugget #1: Don't be a pastry. This is the easiest score of all time.

Nugget #2: But, what if he's out tonight?

Nugget #1: Relax, he's not even real. He's just a scary story parents tell to-AHH!

(They see the Chocolate Bar Donut)

Nugget: Please, don't kill us!

Nugget: What the hell are you! How did you become this crime fighting monster?

(Flashback shows a young Chocolate Bar Donut with his mom and dad)

Dad: It's okay, son. Don't worry about getting freaked out in that movie. That stuff would be pretty scary.

Mom: We love you anyway, even though you're a total pussy.

Donut: Thanks, Mom and Dad! Let's take a shortcut through this even scarier alleyway.

Dad: OK.

Mom: That sounds like a great idea!

Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut: You sure about that?! Gimme all your frosting!

Dad: Oh, god!

Mom: I can't! It's stuck on me! It doesn't come off!

Donut: Please, don't hurt my mom!

Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut: Or what, little kid?! What are you gonna do about it?! Huh?! HUH?!?!

Donut: I'll grow up, and rid the city of crime, and kill all criminals, like you!

Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut: But, not today?

Donut: No, probably not.

(The Pink Frosted Sprinkled Donut kills Chocolate Bar Donut's parents)

Donut: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Flashback ends)

Nugget #1: That's a very sad story, mate.

Nugget #2: But you don't have to kill us, mister! We'll never do crime again!

Donut: Too late, punk. I made a promise to my bloody dead mother to stop all the violence on the streets. And I won't stop killing, until I find the donut that stole it all.

Narrator: Help the Chocolate Bar Donut get revenge... before he kills us all.