EVERY FOOD DELIVERY EVER/Script

[Delivery man knocks on the door] [Delivery man starts to walk away] [Delivery man has sauce around his mouth and pepperoni on his t-shirt] EVERY DELIVERY SERVICE EVER
 * Woman: Oh, yes!
 * Delivery man: Hey, got your pizza for ya.
 * Woman: Thank you!
 * Delivery man: No problem, dude.
 * Woman: Um... somebody ate some.
 * Delivery man: Oh, I don't know who did that.
 * Woman: Oh, what's on your - Is that sauce on your mouth?
 * Delivery man: No... there's no sauce.
 * Woman: What is that on your shirt?
 * Delivery man: That's uh... that's not sauce.
 * Woman: That's a pepperoni.
 * Delivery man: It's blood.
 * Woman: Blood?
 * Delivery man: I got stabbed... it's a tough job.
 * Woman: Why is my food taking so long and why is the car moving so slow?

[Delivery man runs while heavily breathing and coughing] Oh Seamless is way better than GrubHub [Delivery man knocks on the door] [James' wife comes] Why did they give me like 30 forks? [Delivery man is doing weird body movements and weird mouth movement while talking in seductive tone of voice] [Woman's boyfriend comes] Oh the food's cold already [Delivery man knocks on the door] I'm gonna open this door and hope he doesn't rob me. [They both laugh] [Woman gets out of the house as drone is just above the house] [Hamburger hits womman too strong so she fells on the ground unconscious] [Man exits the house] Why is he driving in circles around my block? [akward silence] [another delivery man comes with again wrong flavour of drink] [First delivery man's phone rings] EVERY DELIVERY SERVICE EVER
 * Delivery man: [throws woman's food at her] Don't forget to tip! Oh, God! Oh, next pickup is in five miles, ahhhhhh!
 * Bobby: James?
 * James: Bobby? I haven't seen you since high school.
 * Bobby: Yeah... you look like you're doin' well for yourself.
 * James: Yeah... well I, uh, I run my own business now and, uh, just bought this house, uh, got a Tesla, I-I'm killing it frankly.
 * Bobby: You're a food delivery guy. That's cool, that's neat.
 * James: No! This is just... this is for fun; this is a joke
 * Carol: Is food... Bobby?
 * Bobby: Carol...
 * Carol: Oh my God... it's been literally since like high school.
 * James: You two dated, right?
 * Carol: Yeah I mean until he brutally dumped me for not being cool enough and then you went on to pursue being like a world famous rapper right?
 * Bobby: Um... yeah it...
 * Carol: My Good I think what you specifically said was that you're gonna be the next Ja Rule and that my lame ass was the only thing standing in your way.
 * James: Wow, I'm glad that happened because we wouldn't be married.
 * Carol: I know. So how's the music stuff going?
 * Bobby: So good! [the door start to close slowly in front of Bobby's face] So good! Don't forget to tip!
 * Delivery man: Got your Postmates.
 * Woman: Thank you.
 * Woman: Okay listen I have a boyfriend so don't look at me like that you creep.
 * Delivery man: Oh no this is just a genetic condition, my face is stuck like this. Also I have chronic dry lip syndrome, it's kind of problem.
 * Woman: Wow, I'm sorry.
 * Boyfriend: Is everything okay babe?
 * Delivery man: Mmmmm oh hello there.
 * Woman: Don't worry he's not hitting on you, his face is just stuck like that.
 * Delivery man: Oh no this is genuine this time, I am hitting on your boyfriend. I'd totally do him.
 * Boyfriend: Oh, I love a man in uniform.
 * Woman: What?
 * Delivery man: Hey, here's your ice cream, sorry it took so long. The line was flipping crazy dude and I get anxiety in social situations so I was like AHH you know I can be. I'm also going through this breakup right now and it's like it's cool, cuz we're still friends except were not friends because like I want to be friends but she's being all like weird about it right. And it's weird because I thought it would be settle down by now right, and my parents were all like "When are you gonna get married and I'm just like I'm here mom, [starts to eat man's ice cream] why don't you love me, show me some love like you love my brother? I deserve love! [starts crying] Mommy!
 * Man: Hey when's the food getting here?
 * Woman: Any minute. They have drone delivering now.
 * Man: Whaaat? Modern life truly is marvel to behold.
 * Woman: Oh my God it's here! I'll be right back.
 * Drone commander: Roger that, target acquired. Launching hamburger.
 * Man: Oh my God! Oh my God! I asked for Thousand Island dressing. [throws hamburger on his wife] God!
 * Delivery man: Hey, Postmates.
 * Woman: Hey oh, um sorry I actually ordered lemon lime.
 * Delivery man: Oh, no problem I'll get that for ya.
 * Woman: What did just... what was that?
 * Delivery man: Oh, I ordered you a lemon lime.
 * Delivery man 2: Grab up.
 * Delivery man: Thank you, oh, I'm so sorry I ordered a lemon lime
 * Delivery man 2: Oh crap, don't worry about it I got you.
 * Delivery man: Oh thank you. I'm so sorry.
 * Delivery man: Oh that's me, got another delivery. Oh lemon lime.
 * Delivery man 2: I actually uber here, so would it be possible for you to give me a ride home.
 * Woman: I have to be here when my lemon lime arrives.
 * Delivery man 2: Oh right, same.