THE FUTURE SUCKS!/Script

In the house

(Ian watches TV)

Adviser: Are you super lazy and do absolutely nothing all day?

Ian: Yeah!

Adviser: Then get off your ass and do something with your future, lazy-ass!

Narrator: Sponsored by foundation Get off Your Ass and do Something with Your Future, Lazy-Ass.

(Ian searches for jobs on his computer)

Anthony: What are you doing?

Ian: Oh, I'm just looking for a career. I'm sick at working at my stupid dead end job.

(Ian hits a Dead End sign with a hammer)

Ian: This job sucks!

Anthony: Well you can always be a partner with me in my new business, CelebriHair. Check it out. (gives Ian hair)

Ian: What?!

Anthony: I follow celebrities to their hair salons, dig through the trash, and sell their hair online.

Ian: (drops the hair) Ew! No thanks man; besides when I'm fifty, I'll be making way more money than you.

Anthony: Really? Let's make a bet, whoever ends up less successful has to give someone a sponge bath.

Ian: Okay, but I'm not waiting thirty years to find out who won.

Anthony: Not a problem.

At the Teleporting Fat Guy's house

(Anthony knocks at the backyard and a man opens the sliding door)

Anthony: We need to go thirty years in the future, Teleporting Fat Guy.

Narrator: (sings) Teleporting, Teleporting, Teleporting Fat Guy!

Teleporting Fat Guy : Alright guys, let's do this! Touch my pits. (sees the guys confused) It's the only way we can teleport through time together.

(Ian and Anthony touch near the arm pits)

Teleporting Fat Guy: No no, no, (raises his arms) underneath my armpits. (presses Ian's and Anthony's hands with his armpits) Yeah okay, perfect! You guys ge are doin real good. (time travels with Ian and Anthony)

Ian and Anthony: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Teleporting Fat Guy: Yeah! Woaoaoaoah!

(They stopped time traveling)

At the house in the year 2040

Ian: Hi Ian!

Old Ian: (gets surprised by himself from the past) Wow!

Anthony: That's it? You're looking at yourself from thirty years in the past, and that's your reaction?

(Old Ian grudges)

Ian: Hey, quick question. Are you more successful than Anthony?

Old Ian: I think that's quite obvious.

(Old Anthony eats through the trash)

Anthony: I'm homeless?!

Old Ian: No! I got you a house.

Anthony: (sees a melt proof igloo) But what about my CelebriHair business?

Old Ian: Oh yeah. Well uh, there was a trend in Hollywood where everyone had there hair permanently removed. Soon after that, you went broke.

Ian: I guess somebody lost the bet.

Teleporting Fat Guy: Alright guys, let's go. (whispers) I gotta fart.

Anthony: Why can't you just fart here?

Teleporting Fat Guy: Duh, farting's banned in the future.

Old Ian: You think I could go back with you guys? I've been holding in a fart for twenty-seven years!

Anthony: No! One Ian's bad enough. (turns back with Ian and Teleporting Fat Guy) Let's go.

Old Ian: (runs to the group) Take me with you! (time travels with Teleporting Fat Guy, his younger self, and Anthony) Woohoo! Yay!

150 million years ago

Ian: Wha, it worked?!

Teleporting Fat Guy: Of course!

Ian: But we weren't even touching your armpits.

(A guilty look is made by the Teleporting Fat Guy, then a roar comes from the trees)

Anthony: W-what the hell was that?!

Teleporting Fat Guy: Lopsided lemur, we're a hundred fifty million years in the past!

(An allosaurus appears and roars)

Anthony: AHHH! Teleport us outta here!

Teleporting Fat Guy: It has to recharge!

Old Ian: We need to use some kinda diversion!

(Ian pushes his older self in the dinosaur's path)

Old Ian: (moves backwards) Dah!

Ian: RUUUN!

(Ian, Anthony, and Robbie Jr. ran away)

Old Ian: Fine! You're not invited to my fiftieth birthday party, jerks! (sees the dinosaur) AHHHH! (gets eaten)

(Ian, Anthony, and Teleporting Fat Guy hide in the bushes)

Ian: So wait, I just killed myself. So is that murder or suicide?

Teleporting Fat Guy: It's recharged! Quick, touch my armpits!

(Ian gives him an 'are you serious' look)

Teleporting Fat Guy: Okay fine. (touched Ian and Anthony's shoulders to time-travel with them) Woah hoho!

At the Teleporting Fat Guy's house in the present

Ian: Alright, loser, looks like you gotta give someone a sponge bath!

(Anthony looks, disgustedly, at the Teleporting Fat guy who nods while epic music is playing)

(Anthony and the Teleporting Fat Guy are giving a sponge a bath)

Teleporting Fat Guy: I love sponge baths!

CelebriHair Infomercial
Anthony: Have you ever wanted the hair of the Hollywood Elite, but it always ends up just looking like s#!t?

Ian: I spent, like, 5 hours on my hair, and I don't look anything like her!

Anthony: Well, quit imitating the celebrity's hair, and just get the real deal! How is this possible you ask? Why, with CelebriHair, of course! Our special agents will fish the hair out of the trash and put into our special odor-keeping bags. We guarantee that you'll even be able to tell what kind of shampoo they use! That hair is then reshaped into the celebrity's hairstyle and put on your head! Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Ian: Oh, wow! I look just like Jennifer Garner! Thanks CelebriHair!

Anthony: At CelebriHair, one person's trash is another person's hairpeice.