Every Local News Ever/Script

Intro
Narrator: Live from Blandview, it's your Channel 3 news family. Your anchors, Meredith Waters and Roger Grabbit. Our trusty weather woman, Dallas Floods. Field reporters Kent News and Alison Raniere. And in charge of Blandview sports center, Boris "The Football" Johnson. Channel 3 news, your number one local station for useless small stories that only make you feel like your neighborhood is completely unsafe.

Anchors #1
Meredith Waters: Oh, you silly bunny.

Roger Grabbit: Yeah.

Meredith: Oh, and we're back! Roger, did you have a nice commercial break?

Roger: Well, any day I get to stare into your eyes is a good day to me.

Meredith: Oh, you!

Roger: Ooh, have you been working out?

Meredith: Oh, come on now, we have to do the news.

Roger: Okay, you go first.

Meredith: No, you go first.

Roger: No, you!

Meredith: Okay, a headless dead corpse was found in the bottom of a well early this morning. Officials say the body has not been identified, but it was 100% strangled.

Roger: And in other news, a new report finds that puppies are cuter than babies, to me.

Weather #1
Dallas Woods: Hi everyone, we are going to be experiencing some high-speed winds this weekend, going counterclockwise, specifically (draws two big circles) in this area and this area, which will also lead to some heavy rain and sleet (draws two small circles) in this area, and this area as well. So we'll really wanna be paying attention to these two areas this weekend.

Roger: Oh, wow.

Dallas: And obviously, in these specific areas, we'll really wanna be paying attention to the ice on the roads while driving.

Meredith: Sorry, Dallas, I don't know how to tell you this, but uh- I-

Roger: It looks like boobs!

Dallas: Pardon me?

Roger: You drew boobs on the screen. It's a-it's boobs.

Dallas: (angrily) YOU ARE A SICK PERVERT, ROGER, AND I WILL COME FOR YOU!

(Roger and Meredith laugh)

Roger: Dallas. Just a little technical snafu, it's not really boobs.

Field Report #1
Meredith: Yeah, let's check in with our field reporter, Kent, who's on the scene at the Blandview strawberry parade. Hey Kent, can you explain to us why the hell this is a thing?

Kent News: Well, Meredith, the strawberry parade has a long history here in Blandview. And as it turns out, the strawberries don't even walk in it. (laughs)

Meredith: (laughs) Oh, Kent. And how's the turnout this year?

Kent: No one is here, Meredith.

Meredith: Okay, sorry, folks. It seems like maybe there's a little bit of a lag here.

Kent: No, I don't think so, Meredith, I have great signal.

Sports News
(dramatic electronic music)

Boris "The Football" Johnson: Today in major Blandview sports news, we got the Bulls playing the Lakers. Canyon Elementary School, here at the division two soccer field for ages six and under! It has been an absolute bloodbath! Timmy Mathis has already taken a potty in the cooler twice now, earning him a red card, because as we all know, around these parts, the cooler is for orange slices and Capri Sun only! Rest in peace, Dunkaroos!

Next up in local news, what's up?

Craig, are you kidding me? We have no local sports to-Great, cool, no, fine.

Personal News
The Football: Today in personal news, a dog has been found in my yard, humping my birdhouse! Let's pull up the stats:

As you can see, the dog got a few pumps in my mailbox before making his way down the field to the birdhouse in the third quarter of my shower.

Traffic Report
Roger: Going to Alison now for our live traffic report!

Alison Raniere: Thank you, Roger! Today, on Silver Lane Street, cars are backed up in bumper to bumper traffic due to a pigeon giving birth. The pigeon was on the sidewalk, but everybody parked their cars in the middle of the road to see what gender the baby was.

Meredith: Now, Alison, I'm so sorry. You said giving birth. Was this a live birth from the pigeon? How is that possible?

Alison: I don't make the rules, Meredith. I just report them!

Anchors #2
Roger: After 64 years, the Blandview library is closing due to budget cuts. In an interview with the librarian, Libby Resnick, she said, "I hid the money in my mouth. It's all there in the back of my mouth right now."

Meredith: Oh, sorry, folks, it sounds like we had an error with the teleprompter there.

Roger: No, we did not.

Weather #2
Dallas: Gonna be a crazy storm this Sunday, starting up north, and then spreading as it goes more south, causing this interesting (zooms out) comb pattern that you see here.

Meredith: That's a poop, Dallas!

Roger: You drew poop on the map.

(Dallas angrily barks, then smiles)

Field Report #2
Meredith: And Kent, we are still waiting to hear the answer to that question we asked 15 minutes ago. How many people are enjoying the strawberries at the parade?

Kent: No one, Meredith, I'm the only one here.

Anchors #3/Crime Report
Meredith: Next up, the latest victim of the Blandview strangler has been identified.

Roger: 34-year-old Jeff Chantis was found at the bottom of a well, apparently dumped there by the Blandview strangler himself. Witnesses described the suspect to a police sketch artist, and officials are urging anyone who's seen (looks at the sketch) this person to report them to the police immediately. Gee, Meredith, that person looks an awful lot like you.

Meredith: (sternly) Dozens more remains have been left to be identified. Now back to the weather.

Weather #3
(Meredith and Roger are shocked)

Dallas: Coming through the weekend, we're gonna have a lot of cumulus clouds rolling through in a very oddly specific pattern, which hopefully means we'll have some sunshine here in Blandview.

Roger: Yeah, that certainly is an oddly specific pattern.

Meredith: (laughs) And yeah, Dallas don't mean to do this to you again, but um-

(Dallas's marks look like "THE EARTH IS FLAT")

Dallas: (angrily) WHAT IS IT NOW, MEREDITH? WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST THE WEATHER, HUH? IT'S SCIENCE! SCIENCE IS REAL, MEREDITH! WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE BREAK ROOM, MEREDITH! (barks) MEREDITH! (calmly) Back to you, Meredith.

Field Report #3
Meredith: All righty, Kent is now live with the organizer of the strawberry festival to get the inside scoop. Kent?

Kent: Thanks, Meredith, I'm here with Stuart, the event organizer, Stuart, what can you tell us about this festival?

Farmer Stuart: Well, we've got the best strawberries in all of Blandview. Did you get a chance to try any? (becomes startled) Is he okay?

Kent: No.