My Twerking Addiction/Script

In My Strange Addiction

Anthony: Picking the right shorts are very important. You see, you gotta choose some shorts that are tight enough to show off your assets well, uh, being loose enough to get that (shakes his hips) jiggle jiggle wiggle wiggle jiggle jiggle. You know what I'm saying?

Narrator: Twerking is sweeping the nation at a rate of three people per second. That's almost fifteen people per hour. His best friend, Ian, is worried about his addiction and has come to us for help.

Ian: (talks to the viewers) Anthony first got into twerking when he saw Hannah Montana doing it and he hasn't stopped since.

Anthony: (talks to the viewers) Okay first of all, I'm a way better twerker than Hannah Montana; and second, I hardly ever do it. (stands up) God it's so lame. (twerks to funky music)

Narrator: Anthony twerks ten hours a day. That's almost thirty hours every week. Thirty hours of work at a retail store can buy you enough baked beans to last two years.

Ian: (talks to the viewers) I mean it's gotten so bad that he can't even hold a job. Everywhere he goes he just twerks and-and I try to stop him, I've tried to tell him, "Dude, twerking was so last month," but he won't listen. A man almost died because of him. I mean, what's it gonna take for him to stop twerking; he's hurting people.

Anthony: (talks to the viewers) Or maybe I quit some lame-ass job cuz I don't wanna twerk there anymore.

Ian: Twerk there?

Anthony: I said, "Work there." And besides, I don't need some stupid-ass jobs. All I need is my crew to survive.

Narrator: Anthony has started his own twerk crew. Their work out video, Twerk Out, has amassed an impressive fifteen views on YouTube.

In Twerk Out - Anthony & the Twerkettes

Anthony: I twerk out! (twerks with girls to some funky music)

Back in the studio

Ian: (talks to the viewers) Anthony wants to be the best twerker in the world and he'll do whatever it takes to be the best twerker. And eventually, it's gonna kill him.

Narrator: Anthony drinks five hundred ounces of twerk juice a day. That's equivalent to a pool Michael Phelps swims in. Michael Phelps' abs turn me on. To help with the intervention, Ian has brought the only woman in Anthony's life that still cares for him.

Ian's mom: (talks to the viewers) He wants Anthony to stop twerking, but I don't know; I think twerking's kinda cool.

Ian: What? No! It's just some stupid Internet fad that needs to go die in a fire.

Ian's mom: I think someone's just a little bit peanut butter and jelly.

Narrator: Ian thinks it's time to confront Anthony face-to-face. Sometimes faces have muscles and skin on them.

In the living room

Ian: Anthony, you have a twerking problem. You need to stop.

Anthony: It's just a hobby.

Ian: It's ruining your life!

Ian's mom: Can you teach me how to twerk?

Ian: Mom, I'm trying to help save his... (chokes on the apple and grunts)

Anthony: He's choking! Oh my god, call the amber lamps!

Ian's mom: Nah, I believe in Darwinism.

Anthony: Fine! (starts the music) I twerk out! (twerks while having his buttocks hump Ian having him spit out the apple)

Ian: Ah, oh. My god, you just saved my life through the power of twerk! Anthony, you know I don't agree with your addiction (stands up) but damn it I can't deny that you're the greatest twerker that ever lived. (handshakes with Anthony)

Ian's mom: (talks to the viewers) I wish Anthony hadn't saved him.

Anthony: (leaves black marks by his eyes) Today has taught me to only use my twerk powers for good. (moans) Thank you Ian.

Ian: No problem man; now get out there and save some lives.

Anthony: I won't let you down man.

(Ian gives a thumbs up and Anthony does a little twerking before leaving)

By a robbery two days later

Narrator: Two days later, Anthony intervened in an armed burglary.

Burglar: Come on Javier, come on!

Anthony: Stop right there, I twerk out! (twerks to some funky music)

(the burglar shots Anthony and runs away with Javier)

Narrator: He was completely paralyzed from the waist down.

In the house

Computer: I twerk out.

(Anthony twerks on the wheelchair)