Santa is Real!/Script

(Opening: the kitchen. Cheryl is reading a newspaper at the dining table. The oven's timer is heard beeping as Stephen walks in and opens it to reveal a tray of cookies. He licks one of them, only to wince from the pain caused by the heat. His father walks over.)

Stephen's Father: Hey, kiddo. What are the cookies for?

Stephen: (excited) I'm, I'm making 'em for Santa, daddy.

Stephen's Father: (annoyed) How many times do I have to tell you, Stephen? Santa's not real.

Stephen: (irate) He is too real! And I'll prove it to you. Tonight, I'm gonna stay up and catch him.

Stephen's Father: Yeah, like you did with the Easter Bunny, right? (sarcastically) Real good job you did there. Let's go to bed, Cheryl.

Cheryl (Stephen's Mother): But, I wanna watch "Deal or No Deal".

Stephen's Father: Cheryl!

(scene: the outside of the house at night. A robber wanders into the front door. Captions appear at the bottom saying "Later that evening".)

Narrator: Later that night.

(The robber enters the house with a flashlight and bag, he moves the flashlight and spots Christmas presents under the Christmas tree)

Robber: Jackpot!

(The robber slowly walks to the presents with a smile on his face, then, Stephen jumps on him)

Stephen: (excited) Gotcha, Santa Claus!

Robber: (confused) Santa Claus?

Stephen: Yeah, Santa Claus. Duh.

Robber: (impersonates Santa Claus) Oh, yeah. Ho ho ho. That's me. I'm Santa Claus.

Stephen: Are you going to give me presents?

Robber: Of course. But Santa has some work to do, first.

(The robber walks away. Stephen is excited.)

Stephen: Cool!

(The robber looks at the shelf to find stuff to steal, only to be disrupted by Stephen)

Stephen: Hey, Santa. (repeatedly slaps his hand on the robber's shoulder). Hey (slaps on the robber a few times on the back) Santa. (slaps both of his hands on the robber's back).

Robber: (turns around and is irritated) What?

Stephen: I made something for you. Let me go get it.

(Stephen runs away to get something. The robber sighs in annoyance. Stephen chuckles and happily grabs the cookies on the plate. The robber steals a couple of items from a drawer.)

Stephen: (runs eagerly to the robber) Hey Santa! Santa! (repeatedly slaps the robber on the back) Santa I made you cookies, Santa.

Robber: (continues to steal items) No thanks kid. Santa is not very hungry.

Stephen: (on the verge of tears) But, but I spent all day making them. And, and I spent my whole allowance.

(Stephen is about to cry until the robber forcefully grabs the plate of cookies to calm him down)

Robber: (annoyed) Just give me one!

(The robber takes one bite of a cookie, he begins to look uneasy)

Stephen: How does it taste, Santa?

Robber: (disgusted) What did you make these with?

Stephen: Uh well, (begins to count the ingredients with his fingers) there's flour and eggs and baking soda.

Robber: And what else?

Stephen: (kind of confused) That's it.

Robber: (spits out the cookie on the plate and then hands it over back to Stephen) They're great.

(The robber continues stealing items on a small shelf)

Stephen: Hey Santa, why are you taking all of our stuff?

(The robber ignores him, stealing more items from the small shelf)

Stephen: Do you want some help?

Robber: Yeah, sure whatever.

Stephen: (quietly) Okay.

(Stephen looks around to see what he can give the robber. Then, he spots an item)

Stephen: Oh, I'll go get the light.

Robber: (talking to himself) What do we have here? (aggressively puts his finger on vhs tapes) Crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap. Cr-, wait. (the robber stops for a moment to pick up the Free Willy vhs tape). (reads the slogan with his finger, misreading rousing as arousing). The most arousing family adventure since E.T. Hm. (places the Free Willy vhs tape in his bag).

Stephen: (holding onto the lamp) Santa Claus. Santa Claus! I got the light, Santa Claus.

(Stephen walks to the robber to show off the lamp. However, the robber doesn't notice, as he is looking through a folder).

Stephen: Do you want a digital camera too?

(Stephen swings the lamp around, hitting the robber on the head)

Robber: (touches his head) Ow! Jesus Christ! (gets hit by the lamp again) God-

Stephen: What?

Robber: (holding his face) Nothing! Just...nothing.

(The robber continues to look through the folder. Stephen bends back down to pick up the camera, and once again hits the robber in the face with the lamp pole. Stephen stans back up while holding the camera, and hits the robber again. Stephen holds the camera out for the robber to take).

Stephen: Here you go.

(The robber takes the camera).

Stephen: I'm going to look for more stuff!

(Stephen proceeds to turn around and almost hits the robber. The robber angrily grabs the lamp pole out of Stephen's hands)

Robber: On second thought, I don't want your damn help anymore.

Stephen's father: (yells from a room nearby) Stephen, are you still awake?!

(The robber hides behind a night stand, but he isn't hidden very well. Stephen's father comes out into the living room to see what's going on).

Stephen's father: Stephen, what is this mess?

Stephen: It's Santa, daddy. (jumps and uses the lamp to hold on to) He's here. Yay!

(Stephen's father, fed up, walks away, shaking his head.)

Stephen's father: (talks to Cheryl) Cheryl, we need to increase this kid's medication.

(The robber gets up and makes his way to the Christmas tree)

Robber: Well, Stephen, better get going. (steals a few Christmas presents). He has plenty of houses to get through and he can't stay here. (Steals the Christmas star)

Stephen: Well, can he stay any longer?

(The robber walks near the front door, only to be interrupted by Stephen).

Stephen: Wait, what about my present?

Robber: Oh yeah, of course. (rummages through his bag) Um, it's right here, um...

(The robber picks up a purple bong and puts it away).

Robber: You wouldn't want that. (rummages through his bag) I got a better present right here.

(The robber picks up a long brown wig and throws it to Stephen)

Stephen: Can I have that purple flute instead?

Robber: (tells Stephen off) Don't be such a selfish brat, Stefan.

(The robber is outside of the house. Stephen is shown to have his wig on, adjusting it a bit).

Stephen: Okay,

Robber: See you next year.

(The robber leaves the house. Stephen runs on the front porch)

Stephen: (waves) Bye, Santa! See you next year!

(Stephen's parents show up near Stephen to see what's going on)

Stephen's father: What the hell is going on out here?

(The robber is driving in his car, waving goodbye to Stephen)

Stephen's father: God dammit! That's the same guy that robbed us on Easter.

Stephen: No, that was the Easter Bunny. (grabs a photo from his pocket to show his father proof about the Easter Bunny). Look.

(The photo is actually Stephen with the robber during Easter).

(Stephen walks away)

Stephen's father: (shakes his head) I knew we should have left him in the Grand Canyon.