If TV Shows Were Real 2/Script

Introduction
Narrator: Please welcome the twentieth person to play Doctor Who. (keeps talking)

Ian: Dude, this show is so unrealistic. They change who plays the doctor so much, he can basically be anyone these days.

Narrator: Kevin Hart. (keeps talking)

Anthony: You do realize how stupid these Tv shows would be if they were actually realistic, right?

Ian: Not really.

Anthony: Well, I guess I have to show you then. (winks)

Ian: (tries to look at Anthony and then at the camera) What are you looking at?

Breaking Bad
At the doctor's

doctor: (grabs a bottle) I'm really sorry to tell you Walter, but you do have cancer.

Walter: (coughs for a couple of seconds) Oh my god, I have a brilliant idea to set my family up for life. Meth can't be that hard to make, right?

At Walter's house

(the house is set on fire)

Walter: Never mind!

The Big Bang Theory
(the audience laughs while Leonard knocks at Penny's door as the audience laughs some more; Penny opens her door)

Leonard: Um, hi Penny. Um, I, you are very very pretty and uh, I was wondering if maybe you want to play Magic: The Gathering with me.

(the audience laughs)

Penny: I'm at least an eight and you're like pi. Get it, three-point-one-four?

(the audience laughs)

Penny: You're basically ugly as f**k is what I'm saying. (shuts her door)

(the audience laughs)

After the atomic wipe

Leonard: I'm gonna go jump into a wood chipper. (walks away)

(the audience laughs, as well as a chimpanzee)

Orange is the New Black
Piper: Wait, I'm hot and blonde. I'm gonna have the best time ever in prison just like I did in high school.

Sometime later

Unnamed prisoner: (has someone else beat up Piper) Yeah, beat her pretty face in!

Friends
Ross: (reads the bill) HOW COME NO ONE TOLD US IT COST THIS MUCH TO LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY?

Sometime after

(Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler hold signs while Ross sits around and Moncia and Rachel gather in the dumpster)

Rembrandts: (sings) ''No one told you life was going be this rough. (claps)''

You live in a dumpster and you're broke as f**k.

Game of Thrones
Loras: (runs to Beric) Quickly, deliver this message to uh, Tygrion Landmaster or tons of people are going to die. (hands the message to Beric)

Beric: (takes the message) Alright. (stops Loras) Wait, is it the tall beardy guy or the little midget.

Loras: No no no. I believe it is the guy that runs through the forest in the second episode of season two.

Beric: Oh, the one with the fake hand that that bangs his sister. Wait, no. Ah, is it the skinny guy that got his balls chopped off. (hits himself with the message) I can't remember.

Loras: I, I don't know. Hold on, (grabs a rotary phone) let me call the author.

In George's mansion

George: (picks up the phone) George double R Martin speaking.

Loras (in the dungeon): Exactly who is Tygrion Landmaster?

George: How the f**k should I know? Heh. (hangs up and spins a wheel) Alright, who are we gonna kill today?

The Office
(Jim drools and falls asleep; he wakes up after his head hits the table)

Duck Dynasty
Wille: Hey, y'all want to shoot a duck?

Phil: Yeah, as long as it ain't gay.

director: Cut!

(the animation disappears as Wille and Phil stand up and take off their beards)

Wille: Bloody hell, I can't believe people watch this rubbish!

Phil: Who cares, we're bloody rich! Ladies, money bath, now, please?

(the assistants throw money towards Wille and Phil)

Supernatural
Sam: We're hot!

Dean: We don't need a good story.

Sam: Yeah, (grunts) just look at my abs.

(wolf howls)

Sherlock
(the police officer lays down numbers)

Sherlock: This man is obviously the killer you twatt.

police officer: How could you even know that?

Sherlock: As soon as we entered, I noticed he had a slight scuff mark on the inside sole of his shoe and his trend's full of a Chinese clay. That clay can only be ordered online in a Tuesday in late July. While I was looking around, I also noticed that he walks with a slight limp on his left leg, which is common for a Brazilian tai-chi fighter, and there's only one dojo in London that teaches Brazilian tai-chi meaning that this man's alibi is false. With this in mind, I also noticed that his allergies matched the blood type found on the victim's shirt collar. So with all the clues put together, (points at the killer) this man is the killer.

police officer: Really?!

Sherlock: No, you dumb f**k; he's holding a bloody knife.

killer: (reveals his knife) Dang it.

House Hunters
Andromeda: Which of these three houses will Jack and Susan buy: the Haitian war zone bungalow,( don't know why that house is a bungalow even though most of the people in Haiti are very poor and do not have the money to buy good houses. Also it's their only shelter they have so think about what you write in a script before you insult other people) the historical murder cabin with the beautiful lake view, or the house from Breaking Bad which is still on fire?

Susan: Can we see some, other houses?

Andromeda: (shoots Susan) No way! Choose now or die.

Jack: Um, well I'm a big fan of Breaking Bad. So I'll go with that one.

At the house

Jack: Oh my god! Walter White, I'm your biggest fan! Oh my god, I'm on fire! AHAHAHAH!

American Idol (Deleted)
Ryan: Congratulations, you have convinced your entire city to vote for your marginally talented ass and you are the next American Idol.

(no one else is seen in the audience)

janitor: (sweeps the floor) People stopped watching when Simon Cowell went off the air. So uh, no one's watching this thing anymore.

Ryan: F**k Simon Cowell.

Ending
Ian: Yeah I guess… it would be pretty stupid.

narrator: (puts a spotlight on Ian) Please welcome the twenty-first person to play Doctor Who, Ian Hecox.

Ian: What?! Hold on, what?!

Anthony: No, don't worry, they'll just replace you in like a year anyway.

Dalek: (enters) I have located the newest Doctor Who. Exterminate!

(Ian and Anthony became worried for a little while)

Anthony: That is the lamest thing I've ever seen.

Ian: I know, it looks like a thirty-year-old dildo.

Anthony: Yeah grandma, is this yours?!

Ian: (chuckles) I know, right?

(the Dalek shoots Ian and Ian started groaning, seeing his x-ray as he is disintegrated, turning him into ashes )

narrator: Well that didn't last very long. Please welcome the twenty-second (puts the spotlight on Anthony) person to play Doctor Who, he's handsome and heroic,

Anthony: Oh my god, I've always wanted to be Doctor Who.

narrator: this bird thing that dips into the water thingy.

(the camera points to the drinking bird)

Anthony: F**k my life.

(the camera shows the drinking bird for a few seconds)

Dalek: Wait, I do look like an old dildo.