MY NEW HOT GIRLFRIEND/Script

" MY HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND" Script 

'Anthony watches T.V. in the living room. Ian enters with Erin. '

Ian: Hey dude, check out my new girlfriend, Erin. Erin, Anthony.

'Erin holds out her hand for Anthony to shake. He seems visibly confused.'

Anthony: This...this your girlfriend? But she's hot!

Ian: What? You're saying I can't get a hot girlfriend?

Anthony: Uh, yeah, look at you.

Ian: Well, OBVIOUSLY, (guesting to Erin's body), I can. Anyway, what do you want for Christmas?

Anthony: ...nothing.

Ian: You don't want anything for Christmas.

Anthony: Nope.

Ian sits in a darkly lit room, furiously writing in his diary.

Ian (VO): Dear diary, I know Anthony wants something for Christmas this year. Last year he said he didn't care, and then he got super pissed at me when I didn't get him anything! Looks like I'll have to do some old school investigating to find out what he really wants.

'Ian enters the living room where Anthony is reading a book on the couch. '

Ian: Yo, so Anthony, I've got this friend who's a lot like you, and he wants me to get him something for Christmas, so...what do you think I should get him?

Anthony: What's his name?

Ian: Anthon....ly. Anthonly. He's Chinese.

Anthony: I don't want anything for Christmas, okay?

Ian returns to the dark room and his diary.

Ian: How the HELL did he know my motives? He's smarter than I thought. Looks like I'll have to use, more covert methods.

'Anthony sits on the couch reading a different book. Ian pops up from behind the couch with a gun in hand. '

Ian: TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS OR I'LL BLOW YOUR F*CKING BRAINS OUT.

Ian returns to the dark room and his diary.

Ian: I couldn't get an answer out of Anthony before he suffered a minor heart attack. I should probably pay him a visit in the hospital.

'Anthony lays in a hospital bed. Ian enters with flowers. '

Ian: Hey.

Anthony: Hey! You're the first person to come see me-

Ian: Here's some flowers.

'Ian leaves. Ian returns to the dark room and his diary.'

Ian: Heh! Anthony totally took the bait. He doesn't even know I put a camera in the flower pot!

'We see that Ian has a live feed from the flower pot, with Anthony leaning forward towards the flowers. '

Ian: He's stupider than I thought! (evil laughing)

'Ian's girlfriend enters into the hospital room, seen by Ian through the live feed. '

Ian: What-what's Erin doing there?

'Erin straddles Anthony and begins making out with him. '

Ian: No, oh, no, what are you doing? No, no, NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! This sucks!

'Anthony flips off the flower pot camera. '

Ian: Anthony is so gay for making out with Erin-

'Anthony flips the lights on behind Ian. '

Anthony: Are you...writing in a diary?

Ian: It's called a captain's log you dick! What do you want?

Anthony: Well I just came here to apologize for, y'know, making out with your girlfriend. Well...we might've done a little more than make out.

Ian: Ah, whatever, we weren't actually dating. I was just paying him so he could pose as my girlfriend.

Anthony: Wait, what?

Ian: Well how else am I supposed to impress people.

Anthony: Wait, no, no, you said, him?

Ian: Uh, yeah, Erin's a dude. I can't afford a real woman.

Anthony: But...I did things with her...

Ian: Him.

Anthony: AHHHHHH

'Anthony runs out of the room, scrubs his tongue off with water under the sink, drives to urgent medical care, and runs to the building before having another heart attack. Anthony lays in the hospital bed for a second time. Ian enters.'

Ian: Merry Christmas! Sorry about those STD's, but I brought a little present to cheer you up! I didn't really know what to get you so I just went with something safe.

'Anthony pulls a furby out of the bag Ian hands him. '

Furby: OOOOH! Cock-a-doodle-do!

Anthony: A furby?

Ian nods.

Anthony: What is this, 1998? Get out of here!

Ian: Fine!

'Ian leaves, and Anthony looks around before pulling out a journal and a pencil. '

Anthony: Captain's log, stardate 2010. Ian got me a furby, BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! Love, Anthony.

Furby: Nice diary, PUSSY!

'Cut to black. The camera cuts to furby, writing in Anthony's diary. '

Furby: Dear diary, I'm sorry for making fun of you, I just wha-

'Anthony returns with a cup of water. The camera alternates pulling in on both the Furby and Anthony's faces, until Anthony's face is replaced by Furby's eyes and mouth. '

Furby: Cock-a-doodle-do, BITCH!