Google Glass Sucks!/Script

(Ian wakes up from his sleep and sees the wake up call) IAN

What the hell? Dude, what the hell is this?

NARRATOR

These are Google glasses. The newest piece of technology that'll change the way everyone lives.

IAN

(sees the glasses)

When did I start wearing these ugly glasses?

At 9:14 (Ian sees a voicemail) IAN Uuum, answer call.

ANTHONY

Hey dude, can you meet me at the park at ten? I want to show you something.

IAN

Sure. See you there.

ANTHONY

Alright. Cool--dude, are you taking a dump?

IAN

What?! No.

<p style="text-align:center;">ANTHONY

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, I can see you; we're on video chat.

<p style="text-align:center;">IAN

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh? Oh - oh my god! Uh, see you at ten.

At 9:22 outside
NARRATOR

Google glasses optimizes your life by showing you ads specifically tailored to your online shopping history.

IAN

Hey, how do I make this go away?! (bumps by a woman's baby stroller)

Woman: Watch where you're going, you idiot! (throws Ian down)

Computer: (sees the wound) You should purchase a bandaid for your wound. I found the best deal for bandaid on Ebay; would you like to purchase?

Ian: I don't have time for that; I'm bleeding now.

Computer: Understood; showing all results for bandaids within a five-mile radius.

Ian: Oh, come on. (bumps into the woman)

Woman: (gasps) Back off! (tazes Ian and runs away with the stroller scared)

At 9:35, somewhere else:

Narrator: Google glasses inaugurates Google Maps with full navigation.

(the computer tells Ian what direction to go to)

computer: Turn left. Turn right. Keep walking forward. Keep walking forward. Keep walking forward.

(Ian keeps on bumping into a wall)

At 9:39 on the street:

(Ian video chats to Anthony while jaywalking)

Anthony: Hey man; you're almost here?

Ian: I have no idea.

Anthony: Uh dude, what happened to your face?

Ian: I ran into a couple of walls.

Anthony: Okay, uh, anyway, can you pick me up some chicken nuggets? Oh, and take a picture of that mural on Jefferson Street.

Ian: Sure man. (stops video chatting Anthony)

At 9:46 near the mural:

Narrator: Taking photos has never been easier.

Ian: (sees the mural) Take a picture and send it to Anthony.

(The camera tries to focus on taking a picture)

Ian: What the hell? Come on. (tries to clean the glasses)

(the glasses take a photo of Ian's belly button and send it)

Computer: Sending picture to Anthony

Ian: Dude, no!!!

(Anthony sees the picture the glasses sent him)

Anthony: What the fu...

At 9:52 near an apartment building

Narrator: Google glasses are also helpful in teaching you how to cook or showing you the ingredients in your food.

Ian: One chicken nugget please. (pays the rasta)

Rasta: Oh yeah man; here you go. (gives the nugget)

Ian: Mmmm. (eats the nugget)

Computer: Analyzing.

Ian: Mmmm.

Computer: This chicken nugget contains...

Ian: Mmmm, that's good.

Computer: ...chicken breast, breadcrumbs, lard, plastic, sawdust, pig rectum, horse placenta...

Ian: Oh.

Computer: ...whale semen...

Ian: Oh.

Computer: ...rat fecal matter.

Ian: Oh my God. (throws up)

At 10:01 in the park

Narrator: So as you can see, Google glasses will change the way you live your life.

Ian: (sees Anthony) Hey, man.

Anthony: Oh, hey; you're late.

Ian: Sorry; it's just these stupid glasses; so what'd you want? (gives the nugget)

Anthony: Oh, haha. I actually just wanted some chicken nuggets. (takes the nugget and examines it) Did you take a bite out of this and is that puke?!

Ian: Oh, I-I gotta run. Bye. (runs away)

(Anthony eats the nugget)

Ian: Uh, route me the nearest direction to a plastic surgeon to fix my broken ass nose.

Narrator: And Google glasses feature an impressive one hour of battery life.

(the glasses shut down)

Ian: What the... (crash by the stroller of the woman and trips)

Woman: (gasps) Oh, you sicko. (grabs the baby and beats up Ian with it)

Narrator: Google glasses: Are you ready for the future?

Ian: Ah!

Woman: Take that!

Ian: Oh! Augh!

Deleted Scene #1
Ian: Mm. Oh, oh, my God. (throws up) Dude, why'd you put fecal matter in there.

Rasta: Just a little bit. Dude, I ran out of toilet paper, bro.

Ian: Oh, yeah.

Rasta: You know, have you ever... Come on, come on.

Ian: Mmm, it's not too bad, to be honest.

Rasta: That's what I'm saying, man.

Ian: Yeah.

Rasta: It's a good deal, too.

Ian: Yeah, I know.

Rasta: One dollar make, ah, Honey Boo Boo holler, you know?

Ian: Oh.

Deleted Scene #2
Ian: Looks good.

Rasta: Yeah.

Ian: No, I don't have any more money.

Rasta: I-I'll pay you a dollar and you could do baby bird into my mouth.

Ian: Okay, ready?

Rasta: Yeah.

Ian: Ready?

Rasta: Alright.

Ian: Ready?

Rasta: Yeah.

(Ian spits out some of the nugget and runs away while laughing)