THE FUTURE SUCKS!

"THE FUTURE SUCKS!" is a Smosh video, uploaded on October 8, 2010.

Synopsis
Ian is watching TV when an infomercial came up. The advertiser (portrayed by Anthony) asks Ian, "Are you super lazy and do absolutely nothing all day?" and Ian says yes. The advertiser tells him to "get off [his] ass and do something with [his] future, lazy ass!" The infomercial is sponsored by the foundation of Get Off Your Ass And Do Something With Your Future, Lazy Ass. Ian goes on his computer to look for a job when Anthony comes in to ask Ian what he is doing. He tells Anthony he is sick of working at his "stupid dead end job." However, Ian's job has shown him hammering a Dead End sign, with him shouting that his job sucks.

Anthony suggests that Ian should be his partner in his new business CelebriHair. He explains to Ian that he follows celebrities to their hair salons, dig through the trash and sell their hair online. Ian declines and says he will be making more money than Anthony when he turns 50. Anthony makes a bet making whoever is less successful give someone a sponge bath. Ian doesn't want to wait 30 years to find out who won, so Anthony has a solution.

Ian and Anthony arrive at the Teleporting Fat Guy's house and tells him they need to teleport 30 years into the future. The Teleporting Fat Guy agrees and tells them to touch his armpits. Ian and Anthony are disgusted, but he says it is the only way they can teleport to the future together. Reluctantly, they touch his armpits, only for Teleporting Fat Guy to tell them to touch underneath them. Ian and Anthony touch the underside of his armpits and the Teleporting Fat Guy starts to teleport them 30 years in the future.

Ian, Anthony, and Teleporting Fat Guy meet Old Ian, who shouts when he sees his past self. Ian asks his future self if he is more successful than Anthony. Old Ian points to someone digging through the trash, who turns out to be Old Anthony. Anthony is shocked that his future self is homeless, only for Old Ian to say he gave Old Anthony a home, which is a dog house. Anthony asks about his CelebriHair business and Old Ian explains there was a trend where everyone in Hollywood got their hair permanently removed, making Anthony's business go bankrupt. Ian proudly says that Anthony lost the bet. Then the Teleporting Fat Guy tells them they have to go because he needs to fart. Anthony asks why he cannot do it right now and Teleporting Fat Guy says because farting is banned in the future. Old Ian asks if he can come since he has been holding his fart in for 27 years. Anthony refuses, but as the three are about to leave, Old Ian jumps on Teleporting Fat Guy's back while he was getting ready to teleport back to the present, making all four of them teleport.

Ian, Anthony, Teleporting Fat Guy, and Old Ian find themselves in a field, with Ian surprised that they managed to all teleport at once since they never touched Teleporting Fat Guy's armpits. A growl can be heard and Teleporting Fat Guy says it was a lopsided lemur, explaining they teleported 150 million years in the past. An Tyrannosaurus appears and Anthony yells at Teleporting Fat Guy to teleport them out of there, but he says that the Power Glove needs to recharge. Old Ian suggests they need to use some sort of diversion. Suddenly, Ian pushes his future self out of the way as he, Anthony, and Teleporting Fat Guy escape. Old Ian shouts they aren't invited to his 50th birthday party before the Tyrannosaurus eats him. Since Ian killed his future self, he asks if his action was considered murder or suicide. Teleporting Fat Guy tells them they are recharged and tell the boys to touch his armpits, only for them to remember that it worked when they weren't. Then the Teleporting Fat Guy touches the boys' shoulders and teleport back to the present.

Ian tells Anthony he has to give someone a sponge bath, that someone being Teleporting Fat Guy. He is grinning as Anthony looks nervous. Anthony is practically upset and Teleporting Fat Guy is smiling as they are doing the sponge bath. The camera reveals that they are giving a sponge a bath. As they continue, Teleporting Fat Guy comments on how he loves sponge baths.

CelebriHair Infomercial
Anthony asks the customers if they want hair of the Hollywood elite, but always ends up "looking like s**t". As a customer, Ian says he spent 5 hours on his hair and doesn't look anything like the celebrity. Anthony says to quit imitating the celebrity's hair and get the real deal. Anthony asks the audience how it is possible and then shows that CelebriHair makes it possible. The special agents will fish the hair out of the trash from barbershops and put it in their special odor-keeping bags. They will even guarantee the people will know what kind of shampoo they use. The hair is then reshaped into the celebrity's hairstyle and can be put on the person's head. It is satisfaction guaranteed.

Ian gets the hair and thinks he looks like Jennifer Garner and thanks CelebriHair. Anthony even says that "one man's trash is another man's hair piece".

Script
THE FUTURE SUCKS!/Script

Shut Up! Opening
"When I grow up, I'm gonna be an astronaut. SHUT UP!"

Subscription Ending
"Thanks for subscribing and if you haven't already, DO IT BITCH! Whoa, that sounded a little demanding. Oh... I love you."

Trivia / Goofs

 * This is the Teleporting Fat Guy's third main appearance, who was last seen in "Anthony's Resurrection."
 * This is Old Ian's second main appearance, this first being "WTF! I'm Old!".
 * Barbershop Pole is clearly seen on Ian's left at his "Dead End" job.
 * The wig Anthony wore as the man on TV was used in Food Battle 2010 as Ian's fake hair.
 * When this video was created, Ian was going to turn 23 in about a month and Anthony was already 23. The bet they make is that whoever is more successful when they turn 50 would have to give someone a sponge bath, which means they would have to go 27 years into the future. Since they told the Teleporting Fat Guy to take them exactly 30 years into the future, that would mean Old Ian and Anthony would both be about 53, which contradicts what Old Ian said about how they aren't invited to his 50th birthday party.
 * There is no such thing as a lopsided lemur. Also, lemurs did not even appear around the time dinosaurs did.