If Kids Shows Were Real (Kids Shows, Videotape Mexican Music Video, Movies)/Script

Script
(Ian and Anthony are watching Dora the Explorer.)

Dora: What was your favorite part?

Anthony: I like the part where Boots stole the burrito and ate it in the tree.

Dora: I like that part too.

Ian: This show's so dumb. You do really she can't actually hear you, right?

Anthony: Uh, yeah, but it's a freaking Kids Show. Can you imagine how stupid it would be if Kid Shows were actually realistic?

Care Bears
(Ian and Anthony are behind a fence which contains a real bear inside of it.)

Anthony: I need to talk to Cheer Bear. He'll know how to cheer me up!

Ian: Good luck.

(Anthony flies the fence.)

Anthony: Hey Cheer bear --

(sounds of a bear roaring.)

Ian: NO! ANTHONY! AHHHHHHH!

(Anthony's amputated arm hits the fence.)

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Black Guy: I'm not gonna be the Black Ranger this time. I'm not.

Blue's Clues
Steve: Okay kids, let's see if we can find one of Blue's Clues

Blue: (barks)

(Steve finds the pawprint on the rug.)

Steve: Is that a clue?

Blue: (barks)

Steve: Let's see.

(Steve realizes it was paint when touching with his finger) 

Steve: GODDAMMIT BLUE YOU GOT PAINT IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE!

Blue: (barks)

Steve: YOU BITCH! (kicks Blue, and then realizes the kids are watching him) Oh. Ah, see kids? Bitch is a female dog.

Barney and Friends
(Several people run out of a room screaming, covered in blood.)

Random Woman: HE'S EATING EVERYONE! AHHHH!

(Screen cuts to a child covered in blood crawling out of the room.)

(Barney's Hand grabs the kid's foot and drags him.)

Child: AHHHHHHH!!!

(Barney Roaring.)

Donovan (Me): please dont be me please dont be me

(Barney's Hand grabs my leg and drags me.)

Donovan (Me): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

(Barney Roaring Very Loud.)

Veggietales
(Vegetables on a bowl)

Sesame Street
(Screen shows a doctor and Kermit the frog in the hospital with a dead Cookie Monster in a bed.)

Kermit: So, uh, how did he choke?

Doctor: He's been eating nothing but cookies for the past forty-two years! (examines Cookie Monster more) And he smoked ass loads of meth.

Teletubbies
(Ian and Anthony are outside screaming at the Sun, which has a face on it, as seen from the Teletubbies.)

Sun: Heh heh hehe, heh hehe heh heh heh ...

Peewee's Playhouse
Girl: Hey, I'm in the back. Come on in!

Peewee: Are you ready to see my little Peewee? HAHAHA!!

Kwame: Why don't you have a seat right over there?

Peewee: But, I was just going to show every on my little Peewee. LOOK!

(Pulls out a box of a fictional game console, the Peewee.)

Kwame: Oh! It's just, ah, heh, I thought it was your di.. oh. Can I play!?

(The screen cuts to Chimpy and Jacob playing the S Wii. Jacob beats Chimpy.)

Kwame: Ha! Thirty love, BITCH!

Reading Rainbow
Child: Hi! I would like to tell you about a book I read called Twilight. It f**king sucked!

Tails from the Ark
Honk: I'm Honk!

Cats Don't Dance
Elliot: Your are grounded, grounded, grounded, grounded, grounded!

The Nuttiest Nutcracker
(Vegetables on the Christmas tree)

A Bug's Life
Flik: Hi, Atta!

Atta: Hi, Flik!

The LEGO® Movie
(The head master's post office for two legos)

The Lion King
(The lion for LEGO Duplo pick me up with Ian)

Bob The Builder (Deleted)
(Bob's trying to build something)

The Wiggles (Deleted)
(Sitting on a bench)

Wiggle 1: Oh, look at that bam.

(Police sirens are heard )

Wiggle 2: OH SH*T!

(They run)

Thomas the Tank Engine
Thomas: Kill... me!

Epilogue
(Screen cuts back to Ian and Anthony sitting on the couch.)

Ian: Okay, so that really would suck.

Anthony: Told you so.

Ian: Whatever, man. Why are we even seeing this? Can you just turn it off?

Anthony: Can't, lost the remote.

Ian (sighs): Fine...

(Ian pulls out gun and shoots the television screen, which ricochets and hits Anthony in the shoulder.)

Anthony: AHHH! You shot me, YOU IDIOT!

Ian: O-Oh God! Wha-what do I do?

Anthony: Ask the audience.

Ian: No! That's stupid!

Anthony: JUST DO IT!

Ian: Fine... (turns toward the audience) What do you think I should do? ... GREAT IDEA!

(Ian grabs a plastic bat and begins to hit himself in the head with it 3 times.)

Anthony: Wow. Thanks a lot, a**holes.