Motion Gaming Sucks!/Script


 * IAN: Alright, guys. We're in crisis mode here. Our last Call Of Duty rip-off had to be pulled off the shelves 'cause of that lawsuit over that "airport baby massacre scene".
 * OTTO CLOSET: I thought it was pulled because no one was buying it.
 * IAN: Shut up! We need to think of more immersive games. 'Cause if we don't, we're going to be up S*** Creek without a shotgun!
 * HUGH JASSHOL: Actually, the correct phrase is, "without a paddle"!
 * IAN: No, it's shotgun. Like this one! [after shooting ceiling] Ah, dammit! Like I was saying, we need an immersive game. Motion control gaming is the future, so you guys better have some good ideas, or I'm gonna transfer all of you to the video games based on movies department!
 * ANTHONY: No! I don't want to be forced to make a Twilight game!
 * OTTO CLOSET: And, my children would disown me! Except for the gay one. He really does like that Taylor Lautner fella.
 * ANTHONY: Oh! I got an idea for a game! It's a game for...women..? So, you're a male stripper.
 * IAN: Jackpot.
 * ANTHONY: And, your goal is to make enough money to get out of the ghetto, and put yourself through beauty college!
 * IAN: Not bad. So how do you jump?
 * ANTHONY: ...Strippers don't jump.
 * IAN: No, no; motion control sucks if there's no jumping! NEXT!
 * OTTO CLOSET: I've got one, sir! It's called, "Motion... Sports...Racing Simulator".
 * IAN: (mouthing) Jumping, jumping!
 * OTTO CLOSET: And... "Jumping"? So! In this motion control game, you're a racecar driver! But, when you get in a crash, your body lights on fire! So, you've gotta stop, drop, and roll! Then, you have to give CPR to your fellow dying driver!
 * IAN: And, where's the jumping?
 * OTTO CLOSET: Uh...
 * IAN: Dammit, people! Do you not understand?! If I can't jump in real life and see my character jump on the screen, then the video game's motion controls ARE F***ING POINTLESS!
 * HUGH JASSHOL: And BTW, that's not proper CPR technique! You have to go like this--
 * EVERYONE (except Hugo): SHUT UP!
 * IAN: That's it. Both you two, Twilight game!
 * OTTO CLOSET: Damn you, Taylor Lautner, and your sexy abs! (Hugo and Otto leaving the office)
 * IAN: (pointing his shotgun to Evan Barth) You! You better give me a good idea!
 * EVAN BARTH: Uhh... Oh! I-I-I got an idea!
 * IAN: Does it involve jumping?!?
 * EVAN BARTH: Uh... Yeah! It's all about..jumping!
 * IAN: Okay; I'm listening...
 * EVAN BARTH: In this game, you jump...all over the place!
 * IAN: And how do you jump?
 * EVAN BARTH: Uh... you press the 'A' button! [get shot by Ian]
 * IAN: The gaming industry is doomed!
 * SECRATARY: [off frame] I have an idea!
 * IAN: Have you been down here the whole time?
 * SECRATARY: Yes sir. You told me to stay under the table until instructed otherwise?
 * IAN: When?
 * SECRATARY: Last week?
 * IAN: Well, what's your idea? Spit it out!
 * SECRATARY: Well, I think the problem, it isn't the game; it's the controls. See, all these motion controls should be simple to remember and easy to perform. It shouldn't be strenuous or tiring, it should just be natrual.
 * IAN: Oh my God. You're totally right! You; you're the godess of gaming. Together, you and I are gonna change this world of motion gaming! Forever [licking Secretary's ear].
 * [TWO MONTHS LATER]


 * IAN: After months of hard work, I have finally finished the next level of motion controled gaming. I've condenced all the complex motion controls, to one small device. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...The Motion-Tron 2000! [Every employee including the secretary so quiet] It's brilliant, right? And... you can jump! [Every employee including the secretary keep quiet] C'mon, guys, this is a breakthrough. [Every employee including the secretary even more still quiet] Well, F*** YOU GUYS! (maniac laughter)
 * [A message then shows that "Later that day, he tried jumping over a semi-truck and died... from childhood obesity".]