Ian Misses The Old Smosh/Script

Olivia: I would like to order.

Kimmy: Yeah.

Damien: You should do that, say that like that. Say it in the scene.

Olivia: I'd like to order.

Kimmy: Oh, right this way, ma'am.

Olivia: Yeah, that's it.

Courtney: Guys, where is Ian? We were supposed to start filming 30 minutes ago.

Ian: Hey bitches! (chuckles)

Courtney: Jesus Christ.

Olivia: Ian, what is up with your hair?

Ian: Shut up!

Damien: Whoa! What happened to him?

Ian: Well, I was walking over here and I think a tree branch fell on my head and knocked me out for a couple of hours. Either that or Anthony threw a rock at my head again. LOL! (chuckles) Oh, speaking of LOL, have you guys heard that new band L-M-F-A-O? They do the shuffling.

Courtney: Oh my God. Ian literally bumped his head and thinks it's 2011. Stop!

Kimmy: Aw, this is awesome! I've always wanted to experience the old Smosh and now I can! And it's only at the physical expense of my friend Ian.

Olivia: People are always saying how they miss the old Smosh in the comments and now we can give the people what they want!

Kimmy: Hey old Ian, we're gonna do a sketch called Every Krispy Kreme Ever. Does that sound fun to you?

Ian: Totally, Anthony.

Kimmy: Yeah.

Damien: Uh, you mean Kimmy, right?

Ian: Sure thing, other Anthony.

Courtney: Okay, does he actually think we're all Anthony?

Ian: Hold on, guys. Wait, wait, wait.

Courtney: What?

Ian: Where's the bikini girls?

Damien: Bikini girls?

Ian: Yeah, the bikini girls for the sketch. Where are they?

Courtney: There's no bikini girls, Ian.

Ian: Well then how the frickballs are we going to take the thumbnail photo?

Kimmy: Wow.

♪ Ian thinks it's 2011 ♪

Courtney: Okay, Damien.

Ian: Okay, that's Anthony.

Courtney: Okay. Uh, so just start with the line, "here's your change," and then Ian just respond super casually to the fact that he gave you the wrong change, okay?

Ian: Sure thing, dick biscuit!

Courtney: Okay. And... action.

Damien: Here's your change, sir!

Ian: Bitch! You bitch, you gave me the wrong amount of change! You gave me 30 cents over! What are you a girl?

Courtney: Okay, cut!

Ian: That was good, let's move on.

Courtney: Um, Ian, calling someone a girl is not an insult. Also, just respond like a normal person. Okay?

Ian: Okay, sure thing blonde girl Anthony.

Courtney: Okay.

Ian: Okay.

Courtney: And action.

Damien: Here's your change, sir.

Ian: Whoa! You gave me the wrong amount of change! I'mma change my hand into a fist and punch you right in your butthole!

Courtney: Cut!

Ian: Dick biscuit!

Courtney: Oh my God! Hey!

Damien: What?

Courtney: Can we, can we please?

Ian: What, are we good?

Courtney: No no, just one more. Um.

Ian: Okay.

Courtney: So, if you were at a cashier...

Ian: Uh-huh, yeah.

Courtney: ...and the cashier just like gave you the wrong amount of change...

Ian: Yeah?

Courtney: How would you respond to that?

Ian: Uh, I would say, "I think you gave me the wrong amount of change."

Courtney: Amazing, great. Just hold onto that and use that, okay? Do that one.

Ian: Okay. Sure thing dick biscuit! (chuckles)

Courtney: 'Kay!

Ian: I said that, I said that in Food Battle.

Courtney: And action.

Damien: All set. Wait wait. Here's your change, sir.

Ian: Whoa! You gave me the wrong amount of change! Now bring in the bikini girls or I'm gonna punch you right in your butthole! Dick biscuit! Fartknocker!

Courtney: Cut. We got it. Oh my God.

Damien: Can I go home or just out of the way, of here?

Ian: Anthony get on my back, we'll do a double-decker twerk.

Damien: Is that what y'all did?

Courtney: Aw, f*ck.

♪ Ian thinks it's 2011 ♪

Courtney: Okay Kimmy, so we'll just go from your line.

Kimmy: Cool.

Courtney: And we can improv on this take.

Kimmy: Yeah.

Ian: Uh-oh mister policeman, can you help me with my big raging b0ner?

Courtney: Oh god. Um, Ian!

Ian: Yeah?

Courtney: Buddy. Did you um, put a broomstick in your pants again?

Ian: I sure did Anthony.

Kimmy: How am I supposed to work with this?

Ian: I'll give you something to work with, Anthony. How about my big raging-

All: B0ner?

Courtney: Yeah, we knew you were going to say that. Very unique, dude. Good job. Comedy.

Kimmy: Wow, really great, fresh, original, didn't expect it.

Ian: (chuckles) How'd you guys predict that? Dude, we are so in sync, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony and Anthony. (chuckles) Okay guys, here's what I'm thinking for the video. I just like, come in, I'm like "Gimme some donuts bitch!" And I like knock everything over and then I take my boner and I'm like (grunts) I'll get a donut.

Courtney: Just stop, just stop! Oh my god. Oh my god!

♪ Ian thinks it's 2011 ♪

Courtney: Okay. All right Ian, let's try this one. Where you're the employee, and Olivia-

Ian: Anthony! Chode-knocker!

Courtney: Just order a donut.

Olivia: Okay.

Courtney: And, action.

Olivia: Hi, I'd like to order a donut.

Ian: And I'd like all of your money!

Courtney: Cut! Whoa whoa whoa, Ian! What the f*ck? A gun?

Ian: Yeah! It's funny 'cause it's a gun! It shoots people. It's really funny.

Olivia: Guys, I'm starting to think having the old Smosh isn't such a great idea!

Kimmy: Yeah. Maybe our nostalgia for it kind of made us forget how far we've come.

Damien: Yeah. And maybe people are forgetting how problematic things could be in 2011?

Courtney: Yeah. I miss 2021 Smosh.

Olivia: So, what do we do with him?

Courtney: Well. We're going to get rid of 2011 Ian the same way we got him back.

Ian: What do you got that rock for, dick biscuit?

Kimmy: Hey. Hey Ian? Hey. Hey Ian, you okay?

Ian: Oh... Yeah! Yeah, I'm wonderful! Whoa, Kimmy you look so young!

Kimmy: Oh, he's fine.

Damien: Hey Ian, do you want to film a sketch with us, buddy?

Ian: Wait wait wait. With you? Wait. Smosh films with men now? Hold on. Where are the Speedo guys for the thumbnail?

Kimmy: Oh my God, Ian what year do you think it is?

Ian: It's 2031.

Courtney: Oh god.

Damien: Oh sh*t.

Courtney: The rock was too big. The rock was too big.

Damien: This is better, though. Even better than before, yeah.

Courtney: Yeah.

Kimmy: We can work with this.

Ian (voiceover): Old Smosh is dead. So join me as I mourn the death of old Smosh the only way that I know how: by pre-ordering the old Smosh headstone tee shirt. It's spooky. It's tie-dye. And it's what you were asking for, right? Old Smosh is dead, so let's cope with some retail therapy.