Food Battle 2007/Script

Introduction
Anthony walks in

IAN

What the hell? Anthony?

Anthony

I want a rematch!

Ian

What you need is a doctor. After all, you've been dead in my pool for 8 months.

Anthony

I'm fine and with the help of my new favorite food we're gonna crush you!

Ian

If you think your celery can beat my pink frosted sprinkle donuts THEN YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Ian eats his donut.

Oven Mitts
At the kitchen table

Ian: Let's see whose food can be an oven mitt.

By the stove

(Anthony picks up the pan and drops it) X

(Ian picks up the pan, but fails)

Ian: HOT, HOT, HOT!!!!!!! (drops the pan and screams in pain) X

Squeegee
At the kitchen table

Anthony: Let's see if your donut can be a squeegee.

Ian: I know for a fact that my donut can beat your celery, and if you used Wikipedia more often, then you know that before donuts were used for eating, they were used for cleaning windows.

On the driveway

Ian: Come on donut, squeegee away. (washes car) Wikipedia bastards! X

Anthony: All right, squeegee time. (washes car and works) ✅

Knife
At the kitchen table

Ian: Let's take a stab at a knife.

Anthony: Let's take a stab at your mom with my (gets a dictionary) dictionary.

At the kitchen counter

Anthony: Alright celery, here we go! Ian, can you hand me that?

Ian: The baggot?

Anthony: What'd you just call me?

Ian: I asked if you want the baggot.

Anthony: (took the baguette) It's pronounced baguette.

Ian: What?

Anthony: IT'S FRENCH! (tries to cut the baguette with celery) Come on you green piece of crap. You got (the celery broke in half and then Anthony gets frustrated) Dang it!

(Ian laughed at Anthony) X

Ian: Check this out Anthony, I can chop this baggot in half with one fatal swipe. Ye-haaaa! (chopped the baguette in half with the donut) ✅

Pogo Stick
At the table

Ian: Are you down for a pogo stick?

Anthony: Yeah, I'm down like Judge Joe Brown!

At the park

Ian: Don't let me down donut. (jumps and uses his donut as a pogo stick, but fails) X

Anthony: Come on celery, bounce me to victory. (eats the celery and uses it as a pogo stick bouncing really high that he sprang his ankle) Oh my god, it worked. ✅

Robbing a Defenseless Person
At the table

Anthony: How about, ROB A DEFENSELESS PERSON?

Ian: I'll rob you in this win. (burps)

At the park

(Anthony tries to rob a girl with celery)

Anthony: Give me all of your money!

Girl #1: AH! AH!

(The girl runs away with her purse) X

(Ian tries to rob another girl with a doughnut)

Ian: Give me all of your money.

Girl #2: (takes the donut) Mm, how much for the doughnut?

Ian: Everything in your purse.

Girl #2: Here you go. (gives Ian the purse) ✅

Fishing for people
At the table

Anthony: Let's see how good your doughnut is when you're fishing for people.

Ian: That'll be easy. Everyone loves doughnuts.

Anthony: Not yours, 'cause yours is pink, and pink is for little girls!

Out in the neighborhood

(Ian uses his donut as bait)

Man: (sees the donut) Woah.

Ian: Yes.

Man: (picks up a penny) This must be my lucky day.

Ian: No! X

Anthony: I'm gonna get ya. (uses his celery as bait)

Benny: (sees the celery) Oh what in tarnation, is that celery? Oh I'm gonna get you little guy. (runs to the celery) Come back here, you little rascal. Yeah, come back here, you damn celery. I'm gonna get you. Come back here, celery. Come back, I'm gonna get you. (crawls under a car) Come back here you damn celery. I'm gonna get you. (got the celery) Ha. (eats the celery) ✅

Steering Wheel
At the table

Ian: I'd like to see you beat me when our food is used as a steering wheel.

Anthony: This will be easy.

Ian: Yeah, as easy as my mom. High-five. (doesn't get one)

In a car

Ian: Thanks to my lucky white T-shirt, me and my doughnut are gonna win for sure. (uses his doughnut as a steering wheel) Come on doughnut! Go right, right, I said right! Come on donut! (fails and screams in terror) NOOOOOOOOO! (crashes into a sign) X

Anthony's Result: No Contest

Ending
(Ian got out of the car)

Ian: (lies down) I'm fine. (starts to stand up) Wait, is it normal to have a faint and irregular pulse? And is it normal to be vomiting blood? Okay, this is totally trippy. Now I don't have like any pulse at all. Oh man, this is awesome! (dies)

In the neighborhood

Announcer: (runs to Anthony) Anthony, Anthony. (stops Anthony) You've just won Food Battle 2007. What are you gonna do now?

Anthony: I'm gonna go home and watch Toy Story.

Announcer: Oh boy Toy Story! Can I come?!

Anthony: Hell yeah!