I KILLED THE TOOTH FAIRY!/Script

(Anthony is sitting on the living-room couch wearing a set of headphones and listening to music)

(Ian walks in)

Ian: Well, dude. I am officially a man.

(Anthony removes his headphones)

Anthony: Hookers don't count.

Ian: No, dude. I lost my last baby tooth. The Tooth Fairy is gonna give me an awesome---

(Anthony interrupts)

Anthony: You... Still believe in the Tooth Fairy?

Ian: Yeah, dude. I'm probably gonna get an awesome treat for this thing.

(Anthony notices a tiny silver diamond on Ian's tooth)

Anthony: What the hell? Is that a diamond on your tooth?

Ian: Yeah, I was in a rap-group as a kid. I had all my baby teeth crusted with 14-karat diamonds.

Anthony: Oh yeah, yeah. The Tooth Fairy... He's actually a really good friend of mine

Ian: Really?

Anthony: Yeah, I'll have him come by tonight and give you a really awesome treat.. or something for that thing.

Ian: Thanks, man.

(Ian is getting ready for bed)

Ian: Good Night, Domo. (Gives his Domo plush a kiss) Good Night, Ke$ha. (Gives his blond haired doll a kiss)

(Anthony puts on a pair of fake-purple fairy wings)

Ian: Good night, baby tooth. Hope the fairy brings me a shiny new nickel.

(Ian turns off the light in his bedroom and goes to sleep)

(Ian's door opens and Anthony quietly sneaks in wearing fake-purple fairy wings)

(Anthony turns the light on and Ian wakes up)

Anthony: (Imitating the Tooth Fairy) Hello child, I'm here for your tooth.

Ian: Anthony?!

Anthony: (Still imitating) No silly, I'm Anthony's Tooth Fairy friend. He told me all about your diamond tooth. (Stops imitating) Now give it to me.

Ian: You think this is a joke, Anthony? The Tooth Fairy is real!

(A man with a tiara and a pink tutu dress walks in)

Peter peter: Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

Ian: Burglar!!

(Anthony screams, grabs one of Ian's pillows, and hits the Tooth Fairy with it, making the Tooth Fairy fall down, presumably dead)

(Anthony notices a brick in one of Ian's pillows)

Anthony: Dude. Who the hell puts a brick in their pillowcase?

Ian: My pillows were too soft.

Ian: Is he dead?

Anthony: I don't know.

Ian: Well, there's only one way to find out

(Ian grabs a knife, then stabs the Fairy's leg with it. He then twists the knife for good measure)

Ian: Yup. He's dead.

(Anthony hears a man talking on a walkie-talkie)

Man: King to TF419! Respond.. Dammit!

Anthony: Who is this?

Man: It's the goddamn Tooth Fairy King dammit! Who else?! Do you have any idea how far behind you are on your Tooth Quota?! If you don't give me 500 teeth by tomorrow... I'm gonna have to finish you off myself!

Ian: I told you the Tooth Fairy was real!

Anthony: This is some kind of stupid-joke.

Fairy King: Oh really? Fairy Punch!

(A fist from the walkie-talkie punches Anthony in the face)

Anthony: Ow!

Fairy King: Get me those goddamn teeth now!!

(Walkie-Talkie turns off)

Anthony: If we were a crap load of loose teeth... Where would we be?

Both: Trailer Park!

(Anthony is seen trying to pull out a sleeping man's tooth)

Anthony: Alright, that's the last one! How many do we have?

Ian: Um... 9 teeth.

Anthony: But there's like 12 people here.

Ian: I mean... the only guy left is that guy.

(Ian points to a man sleeping on a chair)

(Ian places a pair of tweezers inside the man's teeth)

Ian: This one's in there really good.

Anthony: Get the car.

(Anthony places a thin piece of rope on the tweezers and looks over at Ian who is in the car)

Anthony: Ready?

Ian: Ready!

Anthony: Go!

(Ian starts the car and drives off)

(The man's head accidentally breaks off and Anthony is shocked)

Anthony: (Groans) We've only collected 12 teeth. And a human head.

Ian: (Groans) The King Fairy guy is gonna kill us

Anthony: How's he even gonna find us?

Ian: I wonder if he put a tracking device on that guy

Anthony: Yeah. It's definitely in there.

Ian: Yeah, but why do I have to do it?

Anthony: 'Cause you have the smaller hands.

Ian: (Groans) Fine...

(Ian reaches into the Tooth Fairy's bag)

Ian: Okay, so there's a... Hairbrush, Um... a gerbil.. maybe, Um... no tracking device.

Anthony: Dude, it's probably up his ass

Ian: Alright. (Ian puts on a pair of white latex gloves)

Anthony: No dude, why don't we just get rid of the body?

(Ian and Anthony pull over onto a dirt sidewalk and get out of the car)

Anthony: Hey, you know how we were trying to get 500 teeth for that King Tooth Fairy guy?

Ian: Yeah.

Anthony: What are we gonna do once we get all the teeth?

Ian: Well, we were gonna... oh crap, I guess we didn't think that one through, did we?

Anthony: Nope.

(Ian uses a key to unlock the keyhole on the trunk of his car)

(Ian and Anthony gasp when the trunk opens)

(The Tooth Fairy emerges from the car trunk completely naked and holds a carjack for self-defense)

Peter peter : (Whimpers) Back off! Back off!

Anthony: He's... He's alive?!

Ian: And why is he naked?!

(Ian unzips Anthony's jacket and notices Anthony is wearing the Tooth Fairy's pink tutu dress)

Ian: Dude, what the hell?!

Anthony: I couldn't let a perfectly good costume go to waste.

Ian: Dude, you're sick. That color does look very nice on you, though.

(The Tooth Fairy agrees to this)

(The King Fairy appears out of nowhere and points his wand at the Tooth Fairy)

King Tooth Fairy: You haven't done my bidding and collected 500 teeth!

Peter peter : But, your highness! These guys kidnapped me!

King Tooth Fairy: Too bad! DIE!!

(A pink laser from the King Tooth-Fairy's wand appears and heads towards the Tooth-Fairy)

Peter peter : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Slow-motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(The pink laser stops moving)

(Then suddenly, the laser hits and kills the Tooth Fairy, making him disintegrate and shatter into a million pieces)

King Tooth Fairy: (Points at Anthony) Hey!

(Anthony looks at the King Tooth Fairy)

King Tooth Fairy: That color looks nice on you.

(The King Tooth Fairy vanishes into thin air)

Anthony: You know, I kinda feel bad for getting that guy killed.

Ian: Really?

Anthony: (laughs) Nah! You wanna go play some soccer?

(Ian nods as the scene shifts to them at the park playing soccer with the decapitated head from before)

(A song about "Kicking Heads" plays)

♫ Kicking heads, kicking heads ♫

♫ Kicking, kicking heads ♫

♫ We are kicking heads ♫

Anthony: (Jumps up) Yeah!

(There is a note at the end saying... Anthony and Ian were arrested for homicide)